Be prepared to meet the sisterhood of the conniving bikinis.
We begin on a beautiful sight.
It’s the frantically mumbled equivalent of being wished, “Good morning, sunshine!” It’s Rodeo, who as usual is gargling joy. I, for one, cannot believe the nerve of some of her housemates, who bashed her cackle in last week’s extras. Why do these people hate love?
And then there’s this:
This is sort of like when someone in a horror movie picks up an ax that he’s destined to be killed with.
And, also, one man mourns.
“They’re jealous. They can’t handle her beauty,” says the Entertainer regarding his gff Destiney’s elimination. Look on the bright side, man: now your ass can sing whenever it has a song in its ass-heart. 12 Pack chalks up Toasteee’s decision to eliminate Destiney to scare tactics enforced by the Green Team: they instilled the fear of God (aka money-lessness) in her by threatening that she’d go next if she got rid of Real. Funny…
…Toasteee doesn’t seem especially fearful.
And now, she has even less to worry about, as Megan and Brandi approach her with the idea of a new alliance to trump all those half-assed other alliances.
Not pictured is Pumkin, who they also want in. This show is getting complicated with all of the twists and turns and alliances and dubious trustworthiness. It has the effect of Memento II: The Lobotomy. Poor short-term memory. It never had a chance. :(
Anyway, the challenge is announced, and Pumkin quizzically does this throughout the duration of C.J.’s spiel.
Noooo idea what’s up with that.
Captain discussion begins. Brandi wants to run things for the Green Team. While her teammates are reluctant at first, someone points out…
And obviously, vagina had everything to do with that. Vagina power! If ever there were a Celebreality moment to make Alexyss Tylor proud, surely this is it. Anyway, the outcome of this discussion is that Brandi is indeed piloting the money. Y’all gotta be the pilot of the money. Y’all got to be the money police.
Over on the Yellows, Pumkin assumes the position, in a completely different way than a few screencaps ago.
The grubbers are shipped to the challenge, which is called…
We see a few this-close-to-questionable Mac representations floating in the water…
…and then C.J. explains the challenge, which is based on Midget Mac’s brush with drowning that happened on the second episode of I Love New York 2. Midget Mac’s fear of water is a perennial favorite on this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s like herpes, except instead of making your genitals tingle, it targets your funny bone. That’s the idea, anyway.
So anyway, this is going to be a relay race. One member of each team has to swim out to rescue the fake Mac. Once he or she crosses a line on the shore…
…two teammates must run up to put Mac on a backboard, which they must then run back to the finish line. The first team to complete this cycle four times wins. Since the Gold Team has seven members versus the Green Team’s five, two Goldies have to sit out. Rodeo volunteers. She’s not feeling well and besides…
“I can’t take the breath.” Uh, yeah. Whatever that means. Pumkin also selects the Entertainer to sit out for no specified reason. Perhaps she just can’t handle his beauty or singing ass.
It’s decided that Chance will swim first for the Green Team, and 12 Pack will do it for the Gold Team. 12 Pack scoffs Chance’s overdressedness by explaining his own get-up: “I’m all shaved down, ready to go. I’ve got my tight swim trunks on…” It sounds like he’s poking fun at his own image…
…but no. The only thing he’s poking at is those trunks and he’s doing so in a much more literal way.
The race begins. 12 Pack is, in C.J.’s words, a torpedo. Do not ignore the phallic imagery. Chance, on the other hand, is slow as hell.
He describes his technique as “a simple dog paddle.” Teen Wolf is his co-pilot. Anyway, because 12 Pack goes for the furthest Mac (they’re lined up in the water at various distances), he actually ends up leaving the water a bit after Stroke Doggy Dogg Chance.
But the important thing is that he glistened.
For no good reason, here’s a shot of Brandi that I enjoy.
Next up are Heather and Megan. Much is made of Megan’s hotness and indeed…
…the lack of cornrows is the only thing keeping her from being a 10. Heather’s bod is similarly banging…
…banging all over the place, that is. Her boob begins to slip out and, witnessing that she’s actually taking the time to tend to it, the Entertainer calls out, “Don’t worry about your boobs. Everyone’s seen ‘em.” So true. But actually, we haven’t seen them enough during this show. Why no topless sunbathing? The tatters are scarce! The tatters are disappearing! Someone’s poaching the tatters and making them into ashtrays. Tatters in the mist! Etc.
After Megan and Heather’s ample showings, the race is neck-and-neck, or more pertinently, boob-and-boob. Whiteboy heads out for the Greenies, and Toasteee and Pumkin both go out to get the submerged Mac for the Yellow Team. Toasteee struggles getting the submerged dummy out of its restraint.
Pumkin will not help her for fear of “sharks and s***.” Because you know a shark is much more likely to think, “This one has her head submerged, but that one doesn’t. I’ll eat this one for being so reckless.” God, hasn’t Pumkin seen Jaws? Or even its poster? Sharks can swallow you whole no matter how close to the surface you are!
Toasteee finally gets Mac free without being consumed. This leaves Hoopz as the last member of the Gold to swim out. She accomplishes her task like it’s nothing, meaning that this marks yet another…
…Gold Team victory! Amazing! Four in a row! Gold Team rules the world! Gold Team for president! Gold Team for change!
Back at the house, the ass-kissing commences. Megan wants to make sure that Pumkin is on board with her new alliance proposition.
Pumkin listens to Megan, but at the same time interviews, “I think Megan is a conniving bitch.” So, yeah, there’s always that.
Then Megan and Brandi freak out about the upcoming elimination because they know that they’ll be in the Bottom 3.
“This is the worst elimination ever!” says Brandi. Just wait till next time when you’re inevitably in the Bottom 3 again. Why is it that Brandi’s always in the bottom? Could it be that’s she’s part shark? I hear they like to sit on the ocean floor. The girls wonder if Pumkin will keep up “her end of the bargain.” Uh, did she even agree to have an end? Anyway, Megan feeds Lily during this and we’re reminded…
…that this dog is still the show’s most endearing personality.
It’s time to head to the vault.
Obviously, Brandi and Megan are going in the box. But which one of the Stallionaire alliance members will be brave enough to put himself in? Not Whiteboy — he’s Public Enemy No. 1 and he knows he’ll be eliminated automatically. Not Real, either — he went last time. That leaves Chance, who reports that he’s a solider by putting himself in there. So noble, he is. Not being on board with Chance is tantamount to not supporting our troops. And if your status ain’t hood, forget about it. You might as well be a commie.
Before the Power Outing, Toasteee and Pumkin, who really are an alliance, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-be-stampeded-by-traveling-pants, discuss the state of things.
Pumkin worries about booting the obvious choice of Chance, for fear of the repercussions. Is the Stallionaires alliance playing smart? No, they’re playing friends. But in the process, they’re intimidating Toasteee and Pumkin. Hey, that’s smart! But, sadly, not friendly. A hell of a situation they’re in.
The outing is taking place at an outdoor spa. They’re offered massages, but Chance declines. He’s so pissy that you wonder if the main reason he declines is he doesn’t want to mess up the massage table.
That doesn’t mean he can’t have fun watching, though!
Pumkin wonders why Chance is so crabby. He interviews that they already see eye-to-eye…
…and he’s not there to butter her up. Uh, actually that’s exactly why he’s there. This section of the show is like butter for everyone’s soul. Pumkin asks why she should keep everyone. Brandi is weak. Megan is conniving. “We’ll totally have your back,” says Megan, failing to add that what they’ll be having it for is stabbing practice. Chance, meanwhile, is quiet. But not for long, thankfully. He quickly proves his worth via an argument with Megan, who wants him to leave the table so she can get crafty with Pumkin.
“She’s a dingbat,” is among the things that Chance reports in an interview on Megan. “Dingbat” is such a thuggish thing to say, isn’t it?
The argument reaches absurdly childish levels with Megan, at one point saying, “Don’t tell me not to talk about you and then go ahead and talk about me.” Make me! I know you are but what am I? Ooops, I mean… (she wasn’t even talking to me). Megan doesn’t say it or anything, but you know in her head she was regarding the fork’s proximity to Chance and thinking…
“I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!”
When it comes time for the one-on-one, Pumkin chooses to meet with Megan, much to Chance’s pearl-clutching.
Megan implores Pumkin to eliminate Chance. To assuage Pumkin’s fear of revenge, Megan says that next time will be her turn to be captain, and she will not eliminate Pumkin. But what if a new arbitrary rule pops up, as new arbitrary rules tend to do? No fear, Pumkin: if Megan isn’t the captain, she’ll throw the next challenge. Either way, Pumkin will be safe for another episode. In other words for as long as it’ll take for 5,000 new alliances to form and for everyone to forget about what happened this time.
Chance strikes a Linda Richman-esque pose…
…and says that his lack of a one-on-one with Pumkin is why he’s having “a little shakies now.” “Shakies?” Is he on Scooby Doo? And if so, is this the case of the haunted grammar?
Chance is not afraid of being eliminated because so many people have his back.
“I got a hell whole handful,” (or something like that) says Chance. Wait a minute, that’s not Chance! That’s Mr. Appleton who lives next to the abandoned carnival! Oh, no wait. It is Chance. Sorry to disappoint you.
Who will be eliminated? Who will it be? The suspense is alternately boring…
…and worth pondering.
Could it be Brandi, who isn’t able so much as to count the number of times she’s been in the Bottom 3? No, of course not. It’s precisely because of that that she gets to stay around. Again. Brandi gets the first check. Then Pumkin, who inarguably looks better than she ever has on this show, for what it’s worth…
…calls up Megan. She informs Megan that she holds a grudge and what Megan said that first day in the house plays in her head on repeat. We get an awesome loop of Megan saying, “Saggy boobs suck,” over and over and over again. Now there’s a ringtone for ya. And it’s true to boot. Unless you’re into that. In which case, you’re probably the one who’s sucking in the saggy boobs scenario. Just saying.
Anyway, Megan’s staying, which means Chance is eliminated! The Stallionaires alliance is being chipped away!
Real is shocked.
Chance is pissed.
And then Real gets pissed. Like, really pissed.
And then, it’s Chance’s turn for shock, albeit pissy shock. He says that Pumkin will get “aten” (like pie?), and then offers this as a final goodbye…
And then, the truth sets in…
…and we see, like, four of the stages of grief in Real, all within moments of each other and sometimes all at once. It all happens so fast. But don’t cry, dry your eye: we’ll always have jing-jong, guys!