First there was Jesus. Then Martin Luther King, Jr. And now…
…there’s Poprah, latest in the line of great leaders.
It’s time for a lesson! But to prepare our minds and bodies, how ’bout a stretch?
Feel better? Now that that’s done, welcome to Transgender 101.
Laverne schools some of her seemingly more tolerant competitors on transgender’s ins and outs, as it were. To say the least, the term covers a broad spectrum.
Meanwhile, Kendra, Mike and Can Do discuss Laverne and her sexuality in another room.
Mike repeatedly refers to Laverne as a “transvestite,” which just goes to show his need for Laverne’s lesson. But he sounds like Amanda Lepore’s best friend compared to Can Do.
Can Do refers to Laverne as “sick,” and he doesn’t mean “sick of judgmental idiots.” Instant fail! He says that Laverne doesn’t respect her body or the gender that God gave her. He doesn’t respect the capacity for empathy that his god instilled in him. Who’s worse? Kendra politely explains that Laverne feels that she’s a woman who was born into a man’s body. Can Do winces and says, “It doesn’t happen that way.”
Then how does it happen, oh expert of queer theory? God, listening to him spout ignorance for 30 seconds is excruciating. Imagine the lifetime of that Laverne has had to put up with.
Not that she’s fazed. She’s too busy twirling and dropping it like it’s painless.
Which, come to think of it, it probably is.
Later, Brianna and Kendra grill Laverne about her love life. She dates white men, mostly. Do they have kids? No. “I’m not really stepmom material.” So true! She has a lot more style than your typical stepmom.
The topic turns to Rob’s love life, which gives him the opportunity to tell everyone that he’s gay. Kendra and Brianna become giggling school girls at the prospect, all, “I knew he was the gay one!!!”
Whatever, at least they’re not stoning him or, like, wincing. Laverne asks about his time in the military, where he wasn’t allowed to be out, per the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. It was, in a word, hard.
Then, we see some footage of Diddy talking about his policy that goes, “Sleep is forbidden.” He explains that he doesn’t sleep because he’s in love with his work. Shouldn’t he be sleeping with it then? If he loves it so much, he should marry it, but the next best thing is sleeping with it.
Anyway, this is all leading up to another Saw-like twist: while everyone sleeps, some dudes bust in the apartment and wake everyone up, as caught on night-vision cameras.
They tell everyone that they have five minutes to get ready and that talking is forbidden. How about oxygen? What ways will the powers that be devise to take that away?
Anyway, it seems all worth it because all this is leading up to a helicopter ride.
Kidding! That they’re in a military scenario does nothing to deplete Suzanne’s excitement over being airborne.
Love that her hair looks as excited to be airborne as her face does.
They’re brought into a room lined with men who bark at them. They’re given, I don’t know, something that looks like a really complicated protractor…
They have to plot points or something. It’s complicated. Laverne who’s been coincidentally paired with the person in the house who’s expressed the least amount of tolerance for her, Can Do, stands up as one of the military dudes instructs them.
Can Do is evidently uncomfortable with Laverne hovering so close. He asks that they be taught separately. Do you want separate water fountains, too? For someone who calls himself “Can Do,” it’s kind of shocking that he should be easily thrown off by what’s going on in someone else‘s pants.
Not that there’s anything to report! In response to Can Do’s open hatred, Laverne says she doesn’t know what he’s worried about. She doesn’t want him. “He’s never been my type in any, like, even nightmare that I’ve had,” explains Laverne. Gee, can’t imagine why.
Rob, meanwhile, seems to be getting everything they’re shown. So perhaps an alternate lifestyle isn’t a complete liability on this show, after all!
Anyway, all this plotting is in advance of the challenge.
They’re going to plot the points that they must travel to. There, they’ll answer a question about Diddy. If they answer it properly, they’ll be given the correct next point to plot. If they get it wrong, they’ll be directed to a detour, taking time out. Whichever team can complete the course first wins. The title of this challenge?
It’s worth the mouthful.
We see Diddy explaining the reason behind this challenge.
It all boils down to, “Now if you can’t see the forrest through the trees, you need to chop them motherf***ers down.” Then why isn’t this a wood-splitting challenge? Probably because the contestants couldn’t be trusted around each other with axes.
The one most likely to get choppy actually falters…
Poprah starts wheezing and coughing because of, according to her, all the pollen in the air. How bad is she coughing? The look on Brianna’s face when she’s describing it says it all:
Poprah clearly is gunning to sit out of this challenge. This raises suspicion. Is she trying to get out of this just because she’s big? Poprah levels with her team: if she can sit out of this challenge without ruining the game for her team, she will. If her absence causes their disqualification, she’ll stay in. “I’ll die in the f***ing woods,” she says. From a cross she built herself!
Anyway, she’s allowed to sit out. She receives oxygen…
…before being carted off. Hey, at least she went out with a bang!
The race begins.
Confusion abounds. People get lost. Quickly, this show has gone from being Saw-esque to Blair Witchy. No one throw the map in the river, please!
Boris struggles on account of his size.
Funny that Laverne isn’t tripping over her sexuality. Who’s the liability, now?
Rob is a major disappointment to his team, being a former military man. He suggests a shortcut, which ends up as a total misdirection.
Let’s check in with Brianna for a status report:
Yep. It’s going that badly.
More footage of Diddy waxing oblique about this challenge:
This time, he tells us, “I’m known for going the extra mile, but sometimes the extra mile is 3,000 miles away.” So saucy with his cliché manipulation this week!
Finally, a team reaches a checkpoint. It’s Downtown, whose members are presented with this question:
The answer is 3.
They quickly migrate to the next question…
…whose answer they agree on is 19. Right again!
Uptown finally makes it to the first question…
…which they answer with “one,” because that’s what Rob read on Wikipedia. You’re better off talking to my mom than trusting Wikipedia sometimes, and she thinks that hip-hop has something to do with cool rabbits. They are, of course diverted to a detour…
How’s that feel, Brianna?
Downtown reaches its final question.
They choose “2002,” but come to find that they are…
There’s some carcass thrown in the mix, moving things nicely into Texas Chainsaw territory…
…which is a great set-up for what happens next, when the military men hit everyone over the head with hammers.
Kidding! But they do come to tell the teams that the challenge is over.
Capricorn and Derek address the teams. Capricorn informs everyone that they performed terribly and looked deranged. The better to reality TV you with! She names Downtown the winners reluctantly but makes sure everyone understands how equally worthless they are. Gunnery Sergeant Capricorn is TCB!
At home, the loft is abuzz with Poprah discourse. Was she faking it? Should she be eliminated? Poprah tells Suzanne that she received a breathing treatment. She asks about the challenge and concludes that “So, there’s nothing I could have done.” At least she isn’t too hard on herself!
Poprah gets all up in the confessional camera’s lens and rants about losing…
…and then, she is faced with the truth: most people in the house seem to believe that she faked asthma to get out of competing. Red tells this to her straight-up.
This causes a ‘cross-the-room battle that culminates in Poprah declaring…
“Maybe if I had just went on in the woods and died, then everyone would believe me.” Maybe. Certainly, it’d be the only thing more dramatic than this argument. Fatal and non-fatal, alike, Poprah’s abounding with good-TV ideas.
Then, Saw V:
The team sits down to face Capricorn.
Rob’s misdirection is brought up, as is Poprah’s forfeit. Oh, and so is her potential sainthood: “I was willing to sacrifice my life to go out there!” she declares. This is obviously overblown, but not exactly wrong: her team did encourage her to sit out, and it’s pretty foul that they’re now using that against her. Some people were even happy that the bigger girl wouldn’t be there, slowing them down. I hope we learned an important lesson on discrimination today. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I know it’s important.
The team votes for which member is going to land in the bottom. It’s split 2-2 between Rob and Poprah. Suzanne gets the deciding vote and she chooses Poprah…who promptly brings Rob along with her. Well, that worked out nicely, didn’t it?
The two plead their cases in front of the Inner Circle.
Rob calls out Poprah’s physical limitations. Not so fast, says Poprah! Her forfeit was ordained by her maker! “First of all, this was God’s intervention. He used the pollen to take me out of the equation.” That sounds suspiciously like The Happening, pre-stabby gibberish and all! Poprah continues by comparing Rob to a used-car salesman: he’s all promise, no delivery. For example, he touted his military experience, but couldn’t direct his team. Kevin is taken aback by this and Rob kind of sputters something about his four years in the military not giving him land-navigational skills. No one can believe this because it’s pretty damn unbelievable.
The judges deliberate. Capricorn doesn’t think that Poprah should be voted out for something her team was cool with, but at the same time, Rob accepted responsibility for his unwise actions. Kevin points out that Rob’s argument focused on him being the best for the team, while Poprah thinks they’re all incompetent, anyway. Decisions, decisions.
As we await the results we see Poprah backstage fretting over what she feels has been a betrayal and saying the best thing she’s said yet on this show:
“They did the same thing to Jesus. They did the same thing to Martin Luther King. They do the same thing to every great leader.” There you have it, people. Poprah just put herself in the same category as Jesus and Martin Luther King. Before you scoff, ask yourself: did Jesus and Martin Luther King ever carry a reality show? I didn’t think so.
Anyway, it’s elimination time. Kim cries real human tears…
…but for naught, as the judges have decided that it is Rob who is not ready to work for Diddy.
He interviews that he does not agree with the decision. What, you expected him to take this lying down?