Just what this show needs!
You know what’s weird? Brooke starts this episode off by saying, “You know what’s weird? That millions of people are having sex right at this moment.” Brooke seems to be turning into Angela Chase, which cracks Ashely right up.
And then Glenn comes out (not like that, he clearly did that episodes ago) and says that his friend, Rey, needs a place to crash for three weeks. Is he straight? Yes! Is he cute? Erm…Brooke says, “He’s a certain type for certain girls.” Cut to…
…evidence of Brooke’s charity. Truth be told, Rey isn’t bad at all, if you’re into schlubs.
Ashley gets major points for not being able to control the falling of her face when Rey enters.
And also for this:
Yep. That Ashley’s pretty awesome.
With Rey comes a host of crap:
And a light saber because he’s apparently, like, 8.
He also has tattoos, which, like most tattoos, say so much about him.
The Apple tattoo is because, “Steve Jobs is, like, God to me.” And this permanent Legend of Zelda Reference…
…is because he’s a die-hard gamer, which we also learn in the next scene when Brooke and Ashley come in and are immediately ordered to shush.
Rey has in the course of like 45 minutes, scattered his crap all around the couch he’ll be sleeping on. This, according to him, is his world: games, Xbox 360, Rock Band and his light saber. Between “Dude, um, sit”s, he reveals that he games for six to eight hours everyday. No wonder why he needs a place to stay! Kidding: he reveals that he works at night. Also, the way he meets people is online, I’m sure you’ll be shocked to learn!
Hulk calls and Rey is all sassy with him on the phone. He identifies himself as, “R-3-Y…Reynaldo?” How adorable. Brooke gets on the phone and Hulk gets all snippy and bent out of shape, like, “He needs to answer your phone respectfully! He’s answering your phone like it’s a big joke!” This is serious business, according to Miss Manners over here.
The next day, Brooke and Ashley awake to this:
They giggle over it, but seriously? Seriously? Who puts their bare, apparently gaseous ass on someone’s couch like that? Or even near someone’s couch? Brooke and Ashley are amused enough to photograph this…
…and they don’t even get too bent out of shape over the exposed wiener, whose presence leads me to believe that Rey is packing. I mean, he wouldn’t dare be that free otherwise, right?
Unless he’s going for, like, G.G. Allin levels of offensiveness.
When he’s finally up, Brooke points out to Rey that it’s weird to wake up to a naked dude on your couch. “With his junk on your white blanket,” Ashley adds helpfully.
Rey explains that he’s usually up before everyone else, so he didn’t think it would be a problem. But see, to combat even the slightest chance of it becoming a problem, you keep your penis put away when you’re sleeping at the apartment of someone who isn’t actively interested in using it. You know? To be fair, Rey does apologize repeatedly. While this shows he’s not a jerk, it also shows that he clearly doesn’t get it. Exposed penis is only an honest mistake when there’s a rabid dog gnawing at your crotch.
Then Al Green comes and every time his presence is announced on this show, “Let’s Stay Together” pops into my head.
I always find myself left disappointed. The Dog’s been put up by Hulk to check out Rey. He sits down and grills everyone for a few minutes. He’s cool with Glenn being gay, which is such a relief, since I’m sure Glenn would have rearranged his lifestyle for this person he’s chatting with for five minutes. When he leaves, he reports that Rey is “kinda weird in my book,” which could make Rey a complete nonthreatening square, considering the nature of the Dog’s book, you know?
And then Rey brings some chick home with promises of a late-night dip in the hot tub…
…and then, when he can’t get the hot tub to work, proceeds to wake up Brooke…
…forces her out of bed, and then asks if this girl can squeeze her crotch into one of Brooke’s bikinis…
Brooke calls Glenn and rants on his voice mail, saying that it’s time for Rey to hit the road.
She is utterly justified.
The next day, Rey uses Brooke’s bathroom and it really doesn’t seem like a big deal (there’s, like, crumpled toilet paper sitting in there), but she freaks out and whines about there being pee all over the place.
And really: enough is enough. She calls a house meeting and says that Rey has to go.
She tells Glenn to tell Rey to get out, but Glenn won’t do it because he’s Rey’s friend and it’ll be “awkward.” Major, major points off for Glenn not being able to do the right thing. It’d be one thing if Rey were merely annoying. It’d be one thing if he merely smelled bad. But this guy is practically farting his annoyance all over the house, seemingly oblivious to how bad it smells. He’s aggressively inconsiderate and it’s not hard to point to about a dozen different ways in which this has manifested itself. And Glenn won’t do it. Boo! Boo!
Brooke talks to Tyra, I mean Hulk, and does some more complaining about her toilet, which: come on.
But she does explain the situation and Hulk tells her she has to man up since Glenn won’t. That’s just what she does.
She and Ashley tell Rey that it’s not working out. They do this with humor: Ashley says the lessons he’s learned about not being bare-assed in other people’s houses should serve him well down the line. Rey takes this with a good amount of humor, himself.
Aw, the guy’s all right, and we’re just now getting to see that! Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?