It’s hard to say what’s more awesome. This:
Sexy, sexy episode this week, folks.
We enter whining.
Resuming just moments after last week’s shocking elimination of Chance, Real is still smarting over what he perceives as Pumkin’s betrayal. “I’m headhunting your motherf***ing ass, dog. I’m headhunting you,” he tells Pumkin. Well, at least she’ll have temp work if she doesn’t win this show. Real snarls some more…
…and silently pleads that we mistake him for someone who is menacing.
The Entertainer in his gentleman-like and not-at-all lecherous manner offers Pumkin and Toasteee refuge in his room with 12 Pack and Heather.
Pumkin takes him up on the offer, explaining how she weighed her options: “I’d rather deal with an ADD psycho than be killed in my sleep.” Yeah, at least the Entertainer will kill you while you’re awake. Comforting!
We also see Rodeo wheeling her bag into Whiteboy and Real’s room. I’m not really sure where she was staying before. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was sleeping in the pool every night, face down.
12 Pack gives us a helpful roundup of the alliances in the house:
He reckons that this final alliance is the weakest. They don’t really know what they’re doing and they’re bound to leave next. Little does 12 Pack know about…
…the blonde (plus Toasteee) alliance! Megan explains that the secret to this alliance is, in fact, its secrecy.
And you know what? Duh. By merely shutting up and turning her conniving inward, mastermind Megan is beating everyone at this point. This game has devolved into one that doesn’t require out-smarting, just a mute button. How made-for-TV is that?
Shhh! C.J.’s calling about the episode’s challenge!
He mentions something about a road trip. Brandi’s all, “But I’ll scrape my knees!” Oh, Brandi of my imagination. You’d do that, anyway.
Heather will be captain of the Gold Team, while Megan elects herself to be captain of the Green Team. She is met with resistance since no one trusts her. She presses on, though, because as she explains in an interview, “If Real’s captain, he’s definitely gonna want to send Pumkin home, and she’s part of my alliance and I can’t let that happen.” I’m dumbfounded that she has the ethics in place to be even able to deduce that. Bravo, Megan, for exceeding my expectations. How will you surprise me next? By wearing something other than a bikini?
Anyway, the issue of trust is still a factor, so Real forces Megan (and Lily) to swear on a Bible that she’ll do what the team wants her to do.
I think Megan’s soullessness just gave that Bible the condition that Chance would call “a little shakies.”
Then, more plotting. You’re shocked, aren’t you?
Hoopz sits with Whiteboy, Real and Rodeo with her invisible traitor cap on. Rodeo is willing to do whatever it takes, for she is “a target.” “We both is,” says Hoopz, whose white socks are practically pulled up to her ears.
I bet if you asked her socks which one was too high, they’d respond, “We both is.” Socks learn so much from their owners.
Then Rodeo talks to Megan, saying that she’s going to make sure that no one on their team goes home. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, tic, tic.
The teams will compete in a race in the Town Square. Two members will pull a cart that another two will ride in.
The teams must stop four times. Each stop will represent a different location traveled to in shows of the …of Love franchise.
Once at the stop, they must eat food that more or less represents the region (the crepes that are to be mistaken as tortillas by 12 Pack in the Paris section surely count as “less”). The team cannot go on until every one has eaten every morsel of his or her portion. Hope everyone brought their binging bellies!
Three members off the Gold Team must sit out to offset the teams’ imbalance. “I’m not sitting out for sure,” says Hoopz. Wrong!
After all, what is choice? Anyway, Heather, Pumkin and Hoopz are sitting out. Since Rodeo sat out of the last challenge, she’ll have to be in this one, which means the thing is getting thrown like a post-whore condom.
“Put whatever in my mouth and I’ll eat it!” screams Rodeo so that no one will think that she’s about to throw the challenge for the Green Team. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, howl, howl. Rodeo doesn’t add that whatever she puts in her mouth will fly out of it with her inevitable ensuing crack-up. How does this woman absorb nutrients when she’s flapping her teeth laughing all the time?
The first the teams have to eat is…
Some like this, some do not.
The Entertainer does not.
Anyway, the Green Team gets an early lead after consuming the sushi, leading them to…
The Green gets there first and leaves first, thanks in no small part to Rodeo’s effort.
Then, they’re off to…
At some point, Brandi is commanded to prove that she’s swallowed everything. Puppet-like antics ensue.
Finally, the Green Team hits the last location.
By this time, everyone’s feeling sort of nauseated, and Brandi clarifies why scarfing down food on a volatile stomach is not such a good thing:
“I’m throwing up and I’m eating at the same time, so I’m basically eating my own throw-up.” And that’s one to grow on. (Assuming that the nutritional content of throw-up could in fact help you grow.)
Let’s check in with Rodeo.
Der duh der der. Just going along, drinking bottled water with my pinky out, der duh der der. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, der, der.
And so, it comes as no surprise that the Green Team wins.
“I feel like this is the greatest comeback in American history,” says Real. God, better than Mariah Carey’s, even? He then compares himself to Carl Lewis, which is so apt since Rodeo helped Carl achieve victory as well, all those years ago.
But victory is bittersweet. Just like vomit!
What’s awesome is that while her team is reliving the tortilla crepes backwards, Megan doesn’t throw up. She just sort of shuts her eyes and boxes her ears. While it’s unsurprising that she doesn’t know of such things as vomit, it’s reassuring that she can still feel disgust!
Meanwhile, the Gold Team finally makes it past the finish line and Rodeo seems even less interested in disguising the fact that she threw the game.
Well, at least she knows how to have fun.
And then Hoopz, like, openly congratulates the Green Team for winning.
Heather immediately chews Hoopz out, shouting that she hasn’t been on their team the whole time. You never loved them, Hoopzie Dearest!
Things escalate with the Entertainer getting into Hoopz’s face, quite hilariously.
He begs for her to hit him.
She does not oblige. She was probably afraid of, like, being ejaculated on or something.
On the ride home, this happens…
…which is, uh, weird. And then Whiteboy says the thing about wanting to stick his old throw-up tongue down her throat. This old throw-up tongue, been down 1,000 throats. When he says this, Megan cringes ever so slightly. When it comes to this game, she’s good, but she’s not that good, you know?
At home, the Entertainer briefly plays Flavor Flav…
“What time is it? Time to get rid of Hoopz!” he says. See, Flav would never say that. It’d be more like, “I don’t know man, what’s up with Hoopz. But we should all support the troopz.” Flav is sort of the neuron-fried version of Nipsy Russell, it’s just occurring to me. But I digress.
The increasingly desperate Rodeo (and we haven’t seen nothing yet!) pleads to Megan for clemency. Brandi explains without a hint of compassion that they’re just going to do what Whiteboy tells them to do.
Because Megan’s submissive, of course. The only thing crazier than the fact that she wants everyone to buy this is…well, everyone in the house who actually does buy this. They out-crazy each other. It’s symbiotic, really.
A new day dawns and the day just happens to be 12 Pack’s birthday. Rodeo, whose frantic ass-kissing must have her lips tired, instead expresses her love for 12 Pack with her hands.
We see her making what she calls 12 Pack’s “favorite, favorite birthday treat.” It seems to involve multiple tubes of dough.
Then, it’s vault time.
Heather, who looks like she was just shaken from a vivid dream about a hangover, leads the group. She asks who wants Rodeo to go in the box and everyone raises their hand except for Rodeo. Heather goes to grab Rodeo’s check and Rodeo tells her not to touch that check. Heather, who’s so over it because she needs to go sleep off her dream, is like, “Majority.”
Rodeo says something about things not being clear. Who needs consensus when you have a sausage named after you? C.J. makes them vote again and, duh, Rodeo’s going into the box. Then, to 12 Pack, she practically spits out…
No, Rodeo, no! Not the cake! It’s just an innocent party! The cake didn’t do anything to anyone! The pastry! Won’t anyone think of the pastry?
Hoopz and Toasteee (the latter by her own sacrifice) also go in the box. Neither goes in nearly as dramatically. A shame, that.
After the vault, the cake comes up again! I love that the cake has, like, a supporting role in this episode. Rodeo picks up the pan and slams it down on the counter that 12 Pack is sitting in front of. He snickers in response.
OK, let’s do a little recapping within the recap in case you want to make this delicious dessert at home:
12 Pack’s Favorite, Favorite Birthday Treat
What you need
Three tubes of pre-made cookie dough
A sturdy cookie sheet
1. Take out your stabby aggression on the tubes.
2. Spread the contents of the tubes on a cookie sheet. Sprinkle with desperation.
3. Bake until the dessert is as fiery as your spirit.
4. To serve, slam down the sheet on a hard surface in front of the birthday boy or girl. And voila…
…you have an imperfectly cut, perfectly edible sheet of 12 Pack’s Favorite, Favorite Birthday Treat, made with mama’s rage.
Power-outing! And today, Megan will be sharing her Paymaster duties with one…
…Lily! The fairest of them all, most likely. Before embarking, Rodeo says she’d like to be the person Megan chooses for the one-on-one. Well, why don’t you bake a favorite, favorite birthday treat about it, then?
This Power Outing requires that the group paddle down river to their meal.
Or, to hear Megan tell it, she must brave a dirty river in a dirty boat with dirty people. Clearly, she is relishing her institutionalized superiority, a point made clearer when the group sees a horse on the bank, Rodeo proclaims its beauty and Megan dares Rodeo to go ride it. Cut to…
…Rodeo attempting to ride it. Or really, because she doesn’t get anywhere near it, Rodeo attempting to catch its attention. She beckons it like one might a retarded dog of the non-portable variety, holding her hand out and making clicking sounds. The horse is all, “Girl, you crazy,” and runs away. Rodeo, in response, resolves to find something else to do to stay in the house. When riding wild horses bareback falls through, you know you’re up s***’s creek, especially if you’re in Mexico.
As if we need more proof that Rodeo’s losing it a lot faster than the rest of the increasingly insane competitors of this game, this happens…
And then, an even crazier turn:
Rodeo apologizes to Megan and Megan’s like, “For what?” and Rodeo says it’s for what she did. That’s all right, Rodeo. You can redeem yourself by pleading your case to Lily. No, seriously, that’s what Megan makes her and everyone else do. She will stop at nothing to make these people look as foolish as possible. She is an evil genius. Call her Ilsa, She Wolf of the $$. I could see Megan’s sadism being totally devoted to her own sense of entertainment — I’m not even sure that she’s out to make good TV. That might be giving her capacity for altruism too much credit.
Hoopz talks to Lily and it’s predictably silly and noncommittal. When it’s Rodeo’s turn, she explains the difficulty of her task at hand:
“It’s kinda hard talking to a dog that is retar…that, that has a mental problem.” I’m not sure which I love more: that Rodeo corrects herself midway through the word “retarded,” or that she’s implying that it’s easy to talk to a dog that isn’t retarded.
Toasteee astutely points out that everyone acknowledges this exercise as a bunch of nonsense that they have to put up with…except for Rodeo, who takes it totally seriously and pours her heart out to this dog that would probably throw feces at her if only she had opposable digits.
You know? Rodeo cries!
She really means it much in the way that Mariah Carey means it when she sings about being lovelorn. She even promises that she’ll split the money with Megan, should she win. OK, so maybe she isn’t crazy, she’s just a liar.
Oh, and just in case you thought this show was lacking in self-awareness…
Lily gets her own interview.
Her own subtitled interview. She’s pretty articulate though, right?
When it comes time for the one-on-one, Megan does indeed give the time to Rodeo. She knows where the fun is!
Megan points out that Rodeo has been flip-flopping the entire time. She was anti-Megan for a while (we get a wonderful montage of Rodeo talking about Megan in, like, four different instances, the best of which shows her saying, “F*** Megan!”). “Things have changed!” Rodeo pleads. Yeah, no crap. The amount of water on the brain would seem to be at the top of that list of things.
Rodeo’s desperation is shaded in slightly when we see her weeping in an interview, explaining that: “I came here with $100. That’s all I have. I spent all my 401K getting my clothing line up…my barbecue sauce…” That’s really sad, but at least she’ll never be without seasoned meats.
At home, it’s clear that Whiteboy doesn’t get it when he ticks off his alliance.
Megan points out…
Not so, says Whiteboy, who wants Toasteee out of there. When he leaves the room, Brandi reveals…
…which is so obviously the way to go. But Megan has Toasteeeitis and is afraid that by getting rid of Hoopz, she’ll piss Whiteboy and Real off. Decisions, decisions.
Rodeo interviews beforehand that she hopes her fans are praying on the TV. Retroactively? They can’t see you! This isn’t live!
Brandi is crowned…
And Megan is, in a word, zonked.
It’s hard to pinpoint what’s gotten into her. Alcohol, probably. But that doesn’t seem to be all. Malaria? Tongue inflammation? The ghost of Anna Nicole Smith? Smack? Tough call. All I know is that it takes her about an hour to call up Toasteee to get the first check and to slog through her rationale: “Toasteee…She’s not…threat. She’s not worth anything. She might as well not be here.”
Also, I would like to point out how tan she is.
Maybe the UV rays have penetrated her Wernicke’s area, thus impeding speech? Whatever. Hoopz is staying, Rodeo’s leaving. Megan informs Rodeo that her crying was “sad” (true!) and that watching her do so was like watching an old lady beg to be there (unfair!). Rodeo handles her departure with more grace than you might expect from a woman who flew off the handle she stirred her cookie dough with. She reserves the tears for her exit interview.
She says she hopes her presence on the show will inspire her fans to never give up. Why give up when you can have people give up for you? She also sincerely hopes that her fans don’t think she’s a failure. I think I can speak for everyone when I say, we don’t. We give you an A+ for entertainment value. I mean that.
So Hoopz is staying and when she goes back to stand with everyone else, she stands with the Green Team, because, “I don’t have no team.” Uh, but you’re standing with the Green Team.
Whatever. C.J. says that this is a good point, because from now on there are no teams. It’s every man for himself. As though it hasn’t been that way all along! Still: points for dropping the pretension. Nice job, show!