In this episode, Laverne goes through some stuff…
…all for our entertainment…
We begin with a prank of the most minor variety. As Deon sleeps…
…Mike approaches him and puts a pretzel in his mouth.
Hilarious, right? Yeah, I don’t think so, either. However, Deon picks up the slack on the lame joke by getting outwardly angry and totally overreacting.
“Respect my f***ing personal space!” he interviews. “Respect my f***ing professional space!” See? Now it’s funny. Thanks, Deon!
The prospective gophers sit around the apartment when…
…the red phone rings. Red phone! Red phone!
It’s pretty awesome that pairings have been put together to maximize the drama. Reality TV, you are too kind to us.
Laverne and Boris ride more amicably than you’d think. They have no idea where they’re going, though this all changes when they open their assignment envelope and find out they’re about to…
…fly to Paris! Yay! Paris! Boris mentions something about bringing a French girl back. Because, you know, they’ll have plenty of time for human trafficking and everything. He adds, more tolerantly than you’d ever expect based on his behavior last episode, that they can even bring back a dude for Laverne. “French men would be gorgeous if they were circumcised,” is Laverne’s retort. Apparently, Laverne’s standard for beauty goes below the belt. Fair enough, I suppose. Boris can’t even know what to say to this.
Fair enough, again! Laverne interviews regarding her excitement of the trip to gay Paris. “I so feel like Carrie Bradshaw going to Paris for the first time to meet up with Mikhail Baryshnikov. Except I’m black. And a transsexual.” Wait. Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t a tranny? All those, I was watching that show wrong. Suddenly, Sex and the City is infinitely less interesting.
Once on the ground, the Uptowns and Downtowns in Paris get their assignment:
Human trafficking it is! Kind of, not really. They’re there to persuade models to fly back to America with them for a shoot for Sean John eyewear that those who didn’t go to Paris must plan.
(Just in case you don’t trust me.)
It all goes almost too easily. Boris and Laverne meet up with Stefan, which at first, they think will be the model…
…but then it turns out just to be the model’s contact. It turns out that the model, who, instead of being called “Stefan,” possesses the infinitely more feminine name, Angela (not that I’m judging!), is at the Montmartre, which seems to excite Laverne.
Except for the fact that the Montmartre is huge and undoubtedly filled with gaunt, sophisticated women, this being Paris and all. How ever will they find her?
Let’s take a break from the struggle to hear a wonderful tale from Diddy about…struggles, of sorts.
“I feel like there’s no mission that I can’t accomplish. I don’t care if I gotta walk to Zimbabwe, cut down some trees in a forest and jump on the back of giraffe butt naked with no money. If that’s my mission, I’mma come back successful. ” I kind of wish he would do this. That’d be a reality show. Also: love love love the implication of his ability to walk on water. Do you think Diddy’s next name change will be to “Jesus?”
Checking in with the Uptowns…
…Poprah speaks to her team, who’s preparing for the photo shoot. She wonders if she should have them send pictures of the glasses they’ve picked out. Suzanne, with more than a hint of exasperation, says that Poprah’s trying to do it all again. Poprah looks at her and says, “You’re team leader? I’m rolling back.” At first it seems like divine intervention (paging Puff Jesus!), but then Poprah reveals that she’s letting Suzanne handle the burden this time because she doesn’t want to be on the chopping block again. When life gives you lemons, turn them to wine.
They finally meet up with their model, Louisa, and she’s adorable.
In order to persuade Louisa to come back to the States with them, Kim plies her with candy and Jesus juice. Not really, but she does use the phrase, “Mr. Diddy,” which is hilarious. And, apparently, helpful. Louisa agrees to go.
Back at home, the Downtowns are working on their concept. Deon quizzically suggests the concept of skylines because, “Glasses are the new skyline.”
That response comes courtesy of Kendra’s mouth, though any number of us could have said it ourselves.
Meanwhile, the Downtowns finally meet their model:
Boris will deny this later, but he openly flirts with her, asking about her fans. She doesn’t have any.
He says that she will in the U.S. Well, one, at least.
The U.S. counterparts go shopping. Uptown finds itself in a tiff, as Brianna disagrees with virtually every one of Red’s suggestions. At one point, he asks her, “Do you get what I’m saying,” and her response is a single, flat, “No.”
She doesn’t even want to get what he’s saying. You know?
More plotting for the Downtowns. Deon suggests the slogan: “Clarity. Vision. Expression.” Kendra chimes in again with, “That’s wack!” Well, if you’re going to be a foil, at least be a reliable one, that’s what I say. Mike seems to be in disbelief of Deon’s capacity for wackness.
With everyone now back in the States, the teams…strategize. Just like they were doing when everyone wasn’t back in the States. Whatever.
On the Uptowns, someone suggests the tag of, “From Day to Dark.” Brianna thinks long and hard about this.
What better way to shill glasses than by visualizing first, you know?
The next day, it’s time for the shoot. While the Downtown Team has hired a make-up artist and hairdresser, the Uptown Team has…
…Kim. Wah wah. Louisa proves herself a total diva as Kim works on her.
A good tongue-lashing from Tyra Banks would set this one straight right quick. She wouldn’t be able to smile with her eyes for weeks.
Meanwhile, the Downtown Team changes its tag to…
…if only Brianna were around to explain how wack this is. A shame, as Laverne seems completely behind it. With a regal sort of conviction, she explains…
…”It’s also a manifesto about how to live your life. See yourself. What does it mean to find yourself?” You know you’re smack-dab in the middle of attention-span-generation brainstorming when a two-word phrase is considered a “manifesto.”
Let’s check back in with Louisa.
You know, I’m all about watching people say dumb things, but it would serve Louisa incredibly well to put a pin in it and break the ring.
As Angela poses, Mike yells at her not to show her nostrils. Laverne interviews that Mike acts like he’s on a football field and is very overbearing. And so she proceeds to be…overbearing.
And speaking of overbearing…
…Kim directs the photo shoot, barking commands at Louisa. Whatever, the waif could use some structure. At one point, Kim says to Suzanne, “This is what you said you was gonna do: direct.” She seems to be oblivious of the fact that her usurping is the cause of Suzanne’s not doing this. Whatever. This shoot seems to go a lot better than the Downtown’s.
After some light graphic design…
…the teams are done. Laverne is supremely confident with her team’s concept.
How confident is she? Laverne loves the idea so much that she says she’ll be “shocked and RuPauled” if the other team can pull out something so great. Ah, Laverne, you push me away with your misguidedness and then you win me right back with your linguistic flair. LOVE LOVE LOVE “shocked and RuPauled.”
The teams meet with Capricorn and this guy (who isn’t the lead singer of Wilco, btw)…
The ads are unveiled.
Not-Wilco says that the Downtown shot has too much hair detracting from the glasses and that “See yourself” sucks. It’d be funny if their slogan were instead, “Suck yourself.” That is how you sell glasses. Not-Wilco likes Uptown’s better, though he does take exception to the amount of eyebrow in the show. How you doin’? Really well because Uptown wins!
At last! Laverne takes this really hard.
She cries all the way home. And at home.
She cries so much that I almost named this recap, “Boys Don’t Cry.” Meanwhile, the Uptown Team celebrates with the glasses they were given as prizes for winning this challenge.
And then, it’s time for the Downtowns to finally face the Inner Circle. Saw VI ensues.
Before the Inner Circle can so much as implant a key under one of the contestants’ eyes, Laverne starts talking about her dedication and why she shouldn’t go home. Boris, in a rather telling turn, says that Laverne intimidates everyone she works with. Capricorn asks Boris what he contributed and he hilariously reports that it involved making the model feel comfortable. Laverne erupts into a fit of laughter and says that he was actually flirting with the model. Boris denies this.
Oh, and somewhere in all of this, Stefanie breaks down.
See? Boys still don’t cry.
The team unanimously votes Boris into the bottom. He takes Deon with him.
Immediately, Deon lays into Boris: he’s inconsistent, inefficient, an eyesore (ouch!), forgetful, slothful and, “here for bells and whistles, t**s and ass, straight up.” But only if said t**s are on women born women, you know?
Boris gets grilled about his contribution again, and he says he found the model. Laverne contests this. Uh, they were together. They both lose. Deon, who stands behind this sucky ad of theirs is just so off the mark, explains Boris. He understands where the ad went wrong. He can, like the failure of an ad advocates, see himself.
Because Deon has a background in advertising (billboards, even!) and because he’s flip-flopped so much, it’s he who gets the boot.
Reflecting upon the fact that he didn’t answer the Inner Circle’s questions, he says, “I f***ed myself! I f***ed myself!” Well, better him than someone else while he was sleeping. You know? Professional space, consider yourself respected!