New York Goes To Hollywood Recap - Episode 3 - Japandemonium!

In this episode, New York has her Zen moment.

It lasts all of five seconds, of course.

We open on New York cutting an apple…

…poorly. Still, it’s about the slightest screw-up that comes at her hands all episode. Seriously, if that apple were to appear a few segments in, you know she would have picked it up and said, “Are you Japanese?” And besides, it’s so nice to see her with a knife again. Remember the days?

It’s a family reunion of sorts.

Anyway, New York is cutting her own apple poorly because Lizza’s late. A showdown ensues when Lizza finally arrives.

Lizza’s excuse is, to be frank, ridiculous: she says, “Don’t live in the Valley, then!” since she lives in Beverly Hills. So it’s New York’s house’s fault, basically. New York rakes her over the coals, of course, in the most ridiculous way possible, of course. “You really have to make sure you’re here on time,” says NY. “OK, dooood?” And when she says that, she does this:

And she wonders why Lizza doesn’t take her seriously!

Soon, however, New York’s over it. She receives a call from her agent Chuck who informs her that he’s booked a spec commercial for her. OMG!

The bad news is that since it’s spec, it’s unpaid and it might not even air. But still, it’s a chance for Tiffany to be on TV. And how often does that happen? Besides every week, I mean. The commercial is for a Japanese energy drink and if it does air, it will do so in Japan. Chuck suggests that Tiffany get to know Japanese culture. Once off the phone, Lizza asks how much she knows about said culture. “I like Thai food,” is New York’s response. Evidently, her sophisticated palate forces her to arrive upon this fancy way of saying, “Absolutely nothing.”

Then, acting class. It’s Shakespeare day, but first: gibberish.

And angry gibberish, at that. And then, tongue exercises.

Vos’ tongue exercises turn New York on. Did you forget your bandanna at home today, Bret? Anyway, New York and Vos finally read together.

New York reports that because Vos is such a good acting partner, she feels that she can really loosen up. You know what else allows her to loosen up?

Her tenuous grasp on socially appropriate behavior. Woman, thou art loosed, like, 24/7.

And then, it’s time for research on Japan. New York takes her first query to the dry cleaners.

The thing is?

The woman working there is Korean. “Is that the same as being Japanese, or, like, not at all?” New York wonders. For the second time in two days (here was the first), I wonder if Angela Chase has possessed the body of a Celebreality starlet.

She takes her quest for knowledge to the nail joint in the same strip mall. To the two women giving her a pedicure, New York says, “You guys speak such a beautiful language. Is that Japanese?” They openly laugh at her.

Anyway, no. No, it is not Japanese, nor are they. Although what they actually are remains ambiguous. It sounds like they say they’re Hangugauan, which would make them both Chinese and very specific. Hmmm.

The final stop on New York’s journey of enlightenment is a Japanese restaurant. How moderately less offensive of her!

The chef they come up against is a real ball-buster…literally, if you ask New York who claims that as part of the chef’s choice menu, the chef was, “tryin’ to feed me all kind of fish, with tentacles and testicles and fried duck and guinea pig.” What, no poison?

After some grousing over the eating implements, New York finally speaks to the chef with a modicum of respect. The chef, in turn, teaches her some Japanese phrases. She mangles them (at one point she repeats back, “Tiffany this,” which makes sense since she thinks the world should revolve around her), but hey, at least she’s not, like, spitting on the chef’s culture.

And then, it’s time for the commercial shoot. New York reports that this is a big day for her. But, really, what day isn’t?

Felicia introduces Tiff to the craft services table, which seems to exist to uphold the conception that Japanese culture is full of tentacles and testicles.

Tiffany meets the director of the commercial, who seems to speak zero English.

He tells Tiff, via his assistant, that she’s beautiful. “Gracias,” says New York. Hmm. I wonder if he speaks Spanish?

She also meets with the creator of the energy drink she’ll be shilling. He gestures to her to open the drink. How do you open something in Japanese? She is implored to take a sip and so she just kind of fakes it, albeit respectfully.

They also ask her to recite her line. She does so with unexpected gravitas.

It turns out that she wasn’t supposed to say the line in English. This screw-up is the assistant director’s fault and for it, she gets battered.

The director hits her with the script, but she barely flinches. And that’s about all the time we spend on it. Hard to say what they were going for with this one.

New York preps for the shoot…

…and then she’s ready to go. She says that she’s nervous because she needs people to respect that she’s a serious actress. In an energy-drink commercial.

Yeah, she’s that bad. But it’s all the drink’s fault! “This drink tastes like rotten eggs, rotten feet, but mostly: fish oil!”

Still, Tiff sticks it out and arrives upon something that maybe could be mistaken for an enthusiastic endorsement, as long as, like, you squint your eyes.

But there’s another problem. She’s supposed to karate chop the board she’s standing behind, but she can’t. One after another she tries to chop it, but it’s too sturdy. On the third try, she reaches her threshold.

And, to continue the thread of her gif-able behavior of this episode reflecting New York history, that is pretty reminiscent of this from the Flavor of Love reunion…

She’s always doing that!

Anyway, she chastises the art director…

…who’s subsequently taken down by the director-director…

She gives the board deal one more shot. She tells the art director: “This board better break, ’cause if it don’t, I’mma break my foot off in yo ass.” She’s always saying that!

Anyway, break it does and so, New York leaves the shoot without a paycheck, but triumphant all the same.

And then, just when you think the ending couldn’t be happier, we see a preview for next week’s show and find out that it will feature one…

…Sister Purple Patterson! Mama’s home, everyone!

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New York Goes to Hollywood show page
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New York on Breaking Up with Tailor Made

This entry was posted on Monday, August 18th, 2008 at 10:27 pm