…the Applesauce Bandit. Some defend the universe; others look out for its pork chops.
We return on Boris with renewed confidence. After being voted out unanimously by his teammates, he’s more determined than ever to show his worth.
And what says resolve better than a profile shot of him looking down? Nothing from his mouth, anyway.
The contestants all log on and find Diddy talking about his involvement with viral media.
He’s been in the bathtub. He peed. He even, in his words, “gave birth to my twins online.” Don’t worry, though — it was a Caesarean. The point is that viral videos are important, and anyone who works for him must understand that. And so, for this week’s challenge, each team must make a viral video.
I know when you’re Diddy and you can court over a hundred thousand viewers by merely passing urine, it seems that making a viral video requires very little, but I can assure you that being told, “Make a viral video,” is kind of a ridiculous command like, “Make me a blockbuster!” or “Turn this water into wine” or “Use your male parts to carry a child to term” or “Spin this straw into gold.” This task is Rumpelstiltskinian is what I’m saying.
Additionally, Diddy wants this video to be about him (after all, is there anything else in the world for anything to be about?). “Something about how I inspire, how I empower,” he says. The man gave birth! He is a walking, squatting, Lamaze-ing triumph of the human spirit.
Everyone dives into it. Kim is not going to be the leader this time around, but instead the “talent.”
This gives her the opportunity to refer to herself as “talent” repeatedly, not that she needs an excuse. Whatever, she clearly knows exactly what she needs to do in front of the camera.
Meanwhile, Downtown Team’s Mike is eager to exploit Laverne for its gain.
“You know you definitely have to be the interviewer because people are gonna like just…Laverne.” Funny that he’s being really careful and politically correct and mincing words, and yet, you know exactly what he means.
Elucidating things, Stefanie gently suggests that Laverne make herself look “more transsexual” since she looks so much like a woman.
Does that count as a backhanded compliment? And if so, was it delivered in such a way so as not to mess up anyone’s manicure?
Mike further clarifies the really quite fierce elephant in the room.
“She’s gonna use her trannyness. And you could just laugh at that period.” While this seems at best insensitive, and at worst a command to, “Dance, tranny, dance!” there’s also something about Mike’s delivery that bespeaks genuine appreciation by way of amusement. It’s as though he’s tickled at the opportunity to watch his own personal drag show. And then to have the opportunity to package that and send it out to the world? Golly gee, that’s fun! Perhaps Mike sees this as a chance to produce his hot tranny masterpiece.
The teams get to work on their clips. The first half of each team’s shooting will be devoted to interviewing people in Diddy’s life. Laverne practices with Kendra. Kendra says, “How are you?” Laverne says, “I’m gorgeous.” Here’s Boris’ reaction:
He’s clearly amused at the tranny display. Like grass to asphalt, so is tolerance to Boris’ facade. The human-spirit triumphs are unrelenting!
Laverne first interviews Diddy’s former assistant Xavier.
Everyone agrees that Laverne isn’t tranny enough. Less politeness, more shantéing! We see Mike say, “I need you to be more tranny, baby,” as well as, “Laverne, go tranny on him, baby.” Laverne says that this constant scrutiny of her level of outward transgenderedness is “extremely offensive…but whatever it takes to win!” Ha! Awesome. Glad we’re all on board. Laverne commences to dancing up on Xavier.
Also, can we stop to reflect on how awesome it is that Mike’s referring to Laverne as “baby,” through all this? If that isn’t a sign of tolerance, I don’t know what is.
She also tells Andre Harrell that she likes to do her interviews lying down. She asks if Andre would like to lie down with her and his response is…
…”I’m lost.” Sounds like a challenge that Laverne is up for!
So, the Downtown team has a tranny, while the Uptown team doesn’t even have a tape. And I’m not talking about tape to assist in tucking.
Like, a video tape. Red kind of generally bumbles, creating some strife within his team. More interviews are conducted…
Aaron gives his impression of Diddy and it kind of sucks. O’Neal McKnight (of “Check Your Coat” shoulda-been fame), however, does this hilarious parody of Diddy’s fixation on applesauce, which gives the Downtown Team inspiration for a viral skit they call the Applesauce Bandit. It sounds wack (the Wacklesauce Bandit), but it ends up working out. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s check in with the Uptown Team, who plan on doing something more interactive with their viral video, by having people do outrageous things for Diddy. It’s like the ’08 version of the, “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” spots, but without the penguins. Sadly! Anyway…
It turns out that Brianna, the struggling leader of the Uptown Team, missed a red phone call. Horrors!
Except, what she missed was the cancellation of an interview, so whatever. Apparently, this causes her team to drive out of their way, but, uh, whatever. Mostly, it’s just going to be fodder for her elimination, which: SPOILER.
Anyway, Downtown starts preparing for its Wacklesauce skit.
As Laverne diplomatically explains, “Boris, of all people, got this idea that we could make fun of him being…plus-size.” So the joke is that he’s big from eating applesauce. Like a lot of it. Gallons. Vats. Troughs. Anyway, it all seems to get to be too much for Boris because he decides, after being forced to pull a bikini over his pants, that this is degrading. Welcome to reality TV, Boris! We’re just four episodes in, but it looks like you’re all caught up! Laverne points out that she didn’t give up when everyone was asking her to play Tranny, the Cartoon Tranny. But that doesn’t mean she liked it, and she says that this entire situation forged a real human connection with Boris over bodily insecurity. Figuratively speaking, everyone’s got a former penis. Not so different after all, are we?
Meanwhile, the Uptown Team films some, “What would you do for Diddy?” stunts in the house. These include…
…passing vodka through a nasal cavity…
…waxing leg hair…
…and plucking eyelashes…
Apparently, the things you’d do for Diddy and manifestations of psychological disturbance are closely related. But then, we viewers already knew that.
Seeing how the opposite team is so committed to its video gives Boris newfound resolve. He will, indeed, play Captain Wacklesauce or whatever.
The human spirit triumphs again and again!
The next round of shooting starts.
While Downtown has Boris running around and swooping and looking generally ridiculous, Uptown lets other people handle the ridiculousness.
It mostly seems to work.
And then, it turns out that Stefanie wasn’t keeping tabs on the red phone since it was at home, away from them and all. She and a reluctant Kendra return home to retrieve it.
But Mike is too busy filming and wearing hats and stuff.
When Kendra and Stefanie call for directions on account of their driver getting lost, Mike takes time out of filming in the supermarket to tend to their navigation. Laverne flips out.
She’s all worked up over him taking time out of their shooting schedule to talk to Kendra and Stefanie. But mostly, I think, she just wanted to show off her acting skills. One viral video is simply not enough for this much person.
But the best thing about this?
So much drama for so little payoff. It’s as though this show itself has become a drag show.
In one of the Downtown Team’s final setups, Laverne is to chase Boris. She does and gets her feet tangled on some sort of plastic.
It makes for wonderful material, both as the viral video camera rolls and…
Also, during the course of their video, Laverne does this:
Which is most certainly tranny enough by any measure. At last, she’s a real boy turned girl! It’s like Pinocchio with less wood.
After a quick editing job…
…the videos are posted on Diddy.com. Here’s Uptown’s:
And here’s Downtown’s:
Capricorn alerts the teams soon after that the results are in.
And with 54.6 percent of the vote, Downtown wins! Wacklesauce it certainly isn’t.
This means the Uptown Team is on the chopping block, which also means that it’s time for ominous laughter from Kim.
My week wouldn’t be complete without it.
The team gets in front of Capricorn and a fight breaks out almost immediately.
Red is hard to work with and says, “I know,” when he actually doesn’t. Red complains about Brianna’s complaining and is met with more complaining from Brianna. Well, there’s something to be said for consistency.
He thinks he wants it more than Brianna. But does he know what it took for her to get there? Does she know what it took for him to be there? Does anyone besides the two of them really care, anyway?
Who knows. Red is voted into the Bottom 2 by everyone else on his team, and he unsurprisingly takes Brianna with him.
Red’s final case made before the Inner Circle comes down to the fact that he doesn’t give up. Brianna accepts her mistakes and highlights the passion in her work. As the judges deliberate, we see that she indeed has…
…So. Much. Passion.
But the girl with all the passion in the world is now missing a place in this competition. That’s right, Brianna is booted and she takes it really hard.
In the elevator, we see her saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t.” Well, you’re also not allowed to since you’ve been eliminated, but whatever. We then see her sitting on steps.
She’s really sad! I don’t even think Laverne could pull out this dramatic of an exit.
In her final interview, she reminds viewers to never give up. But god, if not giving up results in so much heartache, quitting might be the solution. You know?