Brooke Knows Best Recap – Episode 7 – Like, A Virgin!


This opening screenshot is presented without commentary.

Because really, what else is there to say?

Before we get to the action, I just want to point out that Ashley is reading Isabel Allende.

For some reason, I find this extremely interesting.


Tearing Ashley away from The House of Spirits, Brooke announces that she’s teaming up with the charity Becca’s Closet, which offers prom dressed to underprivileged girls. And guys, I guess, if they want them. Brooke’s been helping collected dresses. She adds, “One of the boys gets to go to the prom with Brooke Hogan.” Wait. What boys? The romantically underprivileged ones? We’re about to find out that the answer is a resounding yes.

Brooke and the roomies show up at what seems to be the Becca’s Closet HQ.

They all help the girls try on dresses. Kinda-sorta hilariously, Brooke dispenses advice about what fabrics look good on what body types. Also, she is pro-cleavage, which: duh. To one girl, she says, “Oh, that’s really pretty”…

…even though her face says otherwise. They all leave with a sense of accomplishment, with Glenn deeming the experience “some powerful stuff.” It’s not everyday that you get to be a secondhand stylist, you know?

Tyra Meal!

Brooke fills in her dad on her new venture in charity. She explains that she’ll be accompanying a guy to the prom. Hulk does not approve. “It’s a high school guy, their hormones are raging. Like a raging bull!” Brooke points out that she’ll most likely be bigger than her date, since she’s most likely bigger than everyone. She’s Amazonian, that one. Hulk offers that in that case, her date will probably want to “climb the tree of love.” Only if said date is Flavor Flav, who, come to think of it, would probably looooove Brooke Hogan.

At home, Brooke receives a call from her date, Eddy.

He wants her to meet his family before the prom. The better to marry you with! Glenn gets on the phone, pretending to be Hulk, which kinda-sorta-not really freaks Eddy out. Glenn then plays himself and grills Eddy much like Brooke’s dad would. No verbal affect necessary! He asks how Glenn feels about kissing on the first date, and follows it up hilariously with, “What’s second base nowadays?” Brooke is mortified.

I don’t know why. I think the question is legitimate. The meaning of second base has changed so much throughout the years. For example back in the day, it used to refer to a sport called baseball, an archane activity kids involved themselves in before the discovery of sex.

And then, human tragedy before human tragedy:

We’re told that this takes place May 10, which would have been the day after Brooke’s brother Nick was sentenced to eight months in jail. Brooke is practically suffocating with grief, but as Whitney Houston once said, “When you’ve got friends to wish you well, you’ll find your point when you will exhale.”

Thus, Glenn and Ashley share a very shoopy group hug with Brooke. Brooke talks about being frustrated with people who say the car accident was intentional (people said that?). She also evaluates the state of her family. They all wanted to move on after the divorce and then another tragedy strikes. These flashes of honesty and emotion are nice. You’d think you could make a whole episode around them, but hey, maybe that’d be telling too much. In any event, the rest of the episode serves as a case for Brooke’s ability to bounce back and put on a cheery disposition. If she could live down the denim chaps, she can live down anything. Believe it!

And who has time to wallow when there’s a prom to attend? Brooke’s date, Eddy, arrives and he’s practically piddling himself on the way up to her apartment.

When she answers the door, she notes how cute he is. Sweet! She pins his boutonnière on, telling him that he should let her know if she sticks him with the pin and hurts him. Oh he’ll let her know. Most likely by swooning and saying, “Please, Brooke, may I have another?”

There are pictures taken.

(In this one, Glenn directed them to, “Give me sexy.” Eddy took it seriously.)

Clearly, Brooke is very committed to her charity work.

On the way to Eddy’s, Brooke gets a call from her father.

He instills the fear of God in Eddy. He asks Brooke if she could whip him, should the need arise. She thinks she can handle it. Eddy is, like, having the time of his life.

They arrive at Eddy’s where there’s a flock of people waiting.

Brooke does what any girl would do before her prom:

She performs an impromptu show. And by “show” I mean “half song,” because she stops in the middle because everyone watching her is making her nervous. Good thing this show isn’t filmed before a live audience! She’d never get out of bed. Her performance may be slight, but Eddy’s emotions are not. He cries!

He cries! He cries! I mean, he cries! Brooke says it’s sweat, but I think that’s just wishful thinking on her part. She doesn’t want him to be into this that much because, god, can you imagine the hassle?

Brooke, Eddy and what appear to be some of his friends, all make it to prom.

Brooke reports that this is making her “sad” because she didn’t go to prom. When her prom party points out that this is her prom, she says, “I know, I’m so happy.” Well, that was easy. The only quicker way to get that frown to turn upside down would be to have a kangaroo jumping on her face.

And then, Brooke and Eddy dance.

And dance.


And dance.

All along, Eddy’s friend has been pressuring him to get some from Brooke. “A kiss…something,” is how one of the commands goes. So, he’d probably settle for a boob. When Brooke walks out to use her phone, the pressure returns, with Eddy’s friend advising him…

Yeah, that’s great. That’ll turn her right on. If there’s anything chicks love, it’s being cornered and tongued down by an 18-year-old virgin. Brooke’s just playing hard to get for the promise of the kind of loving she’s after. Clearly.

So Eddy does corner her outside, but he doesn’t put any moves on her. Instead, he goes the verbal route…

And you know that “one thing” is, “Can I kiss you?” But Eddy chickens out and asks if she’s having a good time. Well now that you just bungled that, she isn’t.

Back inside, Eddy promises his friend that he’ll kiss her by the end of the night. As he dances with Brooke, gushing all along…

…he goes in for a kiss and…

…misses. Eddy has no facial coordination.

Prom is over!

On the way home, there is more gushing, though it’s probably not the kind of gushing that Eddy would prefer. “I would hang out with you on a daily basis. If you came to my school, you could totally sit at my table,” he says. “OK, thank you,” is Brooke’s curt response. Clearly, she is losing her patience. Then Eddy’s friends bring up his virginity, which Brooke says is “attractive.” Clearly, she is losing her mind.

They arrive at Brooke’s place. “This is…my door!” she says as Eddy practically walks her into it. Then, when she is as literally cornered as she has been all night, Eddy goes in for a kiss:

You can see Brooke’s cheek in smiling position in that shot. We can also assume her tongue has retracted as far back as it will go. When Eddy gets back to the car, he’s like, “I kissed her!” Kissed, maimed, assaulted…all in the same ballpark, really.

Back upstairs, Brooke talks about Eddy’s, erm, excitement that was aroused while dancing.

She describes their kiss as “the most awkward thing ever.” Well, she’s almost right: it’s second to Eddy himself. And that’s why we love him.

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