I Love Money Recap - Episode 9 - Lying Sack of Spit

When someone told the Entertainer to put his money where his mouth is…

…it’s highly doubtful that they meant it literally. Silly Entertainer, bills are for banks!

With 12 Pack’s ousting, the Orgy Room alliance is just down to two…

…and that’s no way to have an orgy. Heather interviews that there’s no way she’s going to win if her only ally is public enemy No. 1. If only Flavor Flav were on this show so that she could be friends with Public Enemy’s No. 2. Ya picked the wrong recording artist to give your heart (and real estate on your neck) to, Heaths!

Anyway, so in something of a desperate move, Heather attempts to socialize with Brandi and Megan.

Heather pets Lily and calls her “so cute.” Nice that it took her nine episodes to notice! Way to plead your case. Anyway, Megan and Brandi aren’t having it, as we’ll soon see.

C.J. Mail!

C.J.’s voice bulletin regarding the next challenge says that it will test the contestants’ strength, accuracy and agility. Ooh! It must be a challenge based on the time Lacey, Brandi and Heather joined Bret in his room after everyone else had gone to bed! How kinky!

Kidding. And besides, no one’s even thinking that far ahead. Brandi and Megan have a very stimulating conversation on the definition of “agility.”

Brilliant. And if you throw in another “L,” you have the word for when a fish plays sports.

Actually, that’s not Brandi’s final answer. She works through it with Megan like paraplegics in quicksand.

This is actually not wrong.

Nor is this. Funnily enough, what they’re running around right now is the definition (most simply: nimbleness). And in doing so, they’re displaying the exact opposite of agility. Sigh.

The contestants arrive at the site of the next challenge.

Its name?

Its inspiration?

Duh. Based on Pumkin’s pseudo-star-making saliva assault on New York during the penultimate episode of Flavor of Love, various events will test what C.J. refers to as “salival ability” in the realms of distance, height and accuracy. Pumkin is pleased as a pumpkin to have a challenge in her honor: “It makes me feel really good to know that there’s an entire challenge based off something that I did.” Oh yeah, imagine that on a show whose entire conceit is presenting up with challenges based on its contestants’ behavior. That’s like getting excited that the mail that’s arrived at your house is addressed to you.

Whatever. The games begin. The first event will test distance.

This seems to be a good score. Several more people go. Highlights include Hoopz’s surprisingly dainty turn…

…which Real says turns him on. Uh, aren’t you forgetting your bandanna, Bret?

Oh no, wait. There it is. “It turns me on” and a bandanna? I guess Real really is Bret Michaels. This proves it.

Also, Heather has faith that her bronchitis will aid her in this competition. It’s no longer just for impeding people’s lives! What’s amazing about this is that she pronounces it with the “ch” sound intact…

“Bronchitis!” Seriously, if there’s any way to make bronchitis fun, surely Heather has found it.

Megan is totally grossed out to go. She literally says, “Ew.”

And that green milk that they are drinking to build up the necessary spit wad really is disgusting. Anyway, Megan’s disdain lands her dead last.

That’ll teach you to scorn green milk, lady!

Brandi goes and she’s terrible, which seems to dismay her (but not her breasts, which are fabulously perky as always)…

After she’s calmed down or whatever, she puts it all into perspective.

“I would have to say that I’m probably better at swallowing than spitting!” she announces. Well, at least one thing’s for sure: she sucks.

Finally, the Entertainer goes and his very…special brand of strength applies well to spitting.

This means that Megan, Toasteee and Brandi all have to sit out of the next event. Since she’s last, Megan will end up in the box. Oh well, at least we’re ensured an entertaining Power Outing.

The next event tests the ability to spit high. People jump and spit and jump and spit and for some reason, I’m reminded of Snorks and/or seahorses.

Wouldn’t it be cool if the Entertainer all of a sudden gave birth to half a dozen micro-sized Entertainers, just like a seahorse? They’d come out all, “I loooooooooooooove male pregnancy!”

Anyway, the Entertainer proves to be the highest spitter, as well. He’s awfully talented with his mouth, but then, we already knew that, didn’t we?

The Bottom 3 on this event are the rest of the women.

Haha! Girls suck! This proves it!

The final event is one that requires the remaining guys to spit at targets of different point values — the smaller the bull’s eye, the greater the amount of points there are to be gained.

During the course of the Entertainer’s run, we see this:

…which leads to the question: which is the bigger target, the actual target or the Entertainer’s ass? Also, is it weird that his tightly sheathed ass is erotic? Yes? I don’t care. I’m fine with weird.

Whiteboy goes and seems to flounder…

…though, Real does bang-up work.

Maybe. It’s unclear how well he did until C.J. finally announces the total point tallies — and the Entertainer takes it all! He celebrates in a manner that can only be described as Phelpsian.

Back at home, the Entertainer addresses most everyone except for Hoopz, Whiteboy and Real, saying that he wants Hoopz and Real to be voted into the box. Megan, who’s clearly at the most risk of losing this time, since, you know, the Entertainer hates her and all, agrees to make this happen.

The Entertainer waits patiently, sipping from a giant pitcher and looking not one bit crazy.

As usual!

Heather interviews that, “the Entertainer is saying he wants Hoopz in the box and this and that, but I’m thinking, why not Megan?” Um, because she’s already in the box? Keep up, Heather. It’s not that hard. You’re there, we’re not.

Meanwhile, the Entertainer reveals his true plan: he wants Megan, Hoopz and Real in the box so that he can scare Hoopz and Real into liking him. His plan is to eliminate Megan, thereby “saving” Hoopz and Real and gaining their respect for doing so. And then a hero comes along. And then you run away frightened, but shhh! Don’t tell him that.

This requires some planning with Whiteboy. The Entertainer tells him straight up that he wants in on his alliance. Whiteboy is less than open to the idea.

The Entertainer, in a bit of oddly still desperation, says that he wanted to link up with Whiteboy, et. al. from the beginning, because Whiteboy is real and Real is obviously real (hence the name) and blah blah blah. It’s a case of real finding real finding Real. To pledge his support, the Entertainer promises that he won’t stab Whiteboy in the back. He says the word “ever” nine times in about five seconds. Way to inadvertently announce that you’re a fast-talker, there, Frank. He also fist-bumps Whiteboy like half a dozen times.

He keeps asking for more so that by the end, Whiteboy is, like, pummeling him.

Whiteboy ends up breaking skin, but it doesn’t matter says the Entertainer, because, “I feel no pain.” That explains a lot about his willingness to make an ass out of himself, actually. Insight!

Then, the Entertainer and Heather take one more stab at preserving their crumbled alliance.

“I promise Megan will go home, just get Hoopz and Real in that box,” the Entertainer says somewhat frantically. But where does his alliance-building initiative leave Heather, she wonders in an interview. Well, girl, we all die alone. Try taking solace in that!

Meanwhile, the blondes + Toasteee are all freaking out that the Entertainer has the power this time around.

They decide that it’s most important to get Heather out of there, and so they decide that instead of following the Entertainer’s advice, they’ll vote Heather in the box. Heather must have heard a ringing in her ears or a tingling in her tatters or something because she walks up as they’re having this conversation…

God, this is going to hurt.

Vault time!

Hoopz’s name is called and no one votes for her. That’s queer! Heather’s name is called and…

…everyone votes for her. Queerer and queerer. In response, Real hilariously lets out a…

…”Wooooow!” in the style of Flavor Flav. Quick, Heather, sit on his face! Make a fast alliance! Show your social agility! Sadly, that doesn’t happen. But what does happen is that Brandi also gets unanimously voted in the box.

When the Entertainer finds out that no one followed his requested plan, he’s pissed.

Heather explains that Megan and Brandi did not vote for Hoopz, as requested. The Entertainer points out that neither did she. This is true, but seriously, can you blame her? It would be pointless to make enemies at this point by throwing up her hand for an opponent, since her single vote wouldn’t do anything anyway. She’s not your superwoman, Entertainer. She’s not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything’s OK. Especially when she’s up against what she describes as, “liars and phonies and floaters.” Oh my.

Power Outing!

Whoever that guy is in charge informs the group that they’ll be eating American food today. The phrase “American food” is repeated so many times that it loses what little meaning it has. Basically, it means that they’ll be having a barbecue, which pleases the Entertainer so, since he’s sick of all the rice and beans he’s had to put up with being in Mexico. Oh yeah, I’m so sure that a) that’s all they have in that obviously stocked mansion and that b) his palate is discriminating at all. Again, this is the dude who had New York’s (and Heather’s!) foot in his mouth.

During the Power Outing, there is frolicking…

…and merriment by way of watching Megan eat ribs.

For some reason, I find this image wholly shocking. The Entertainer talks about eliminating her and Brandi. Megan suggests that he eliminate someone who’s not going to keep him from winning (i.e. Heather), and the Entertainer counters by saying that sometimes his thinking isn’t rational. Entertainer, you so touché-zy!

When it comes time for the one-on-one, the Entertainer elects to spend it with Heather. She reacts almost exactly as 12 Pack did when Toasteee chose him for the one-on-one: all, “Why me? I thought we were straight!”

The Entertainer really doesn’t like that Heather deviated from their plan. She goes through the whole superwoman bit again, but the Entertainer isn’t having it, really. Once Brandi and Megan return, in fact, he’s super-friendly to them.

Heather is not amused.

Brandi and Megan return the friendliness in spades and almost-visible nipples back at home when they offer to massage him.

They’re like a pair of cougars. Also, they are like predatory older women.

Brandi covers the top half…

…while Megan’s territory is the bottom.

They explain that no girl in the house likes Heather because she did all of them wrong. What’d she do to Toasteee and Pumkin? And Megan and Brandi for that matter, actually? The Entertainer doesn’t care about what Heather did to others, just to him. “She ruined your plan this morning,” says Megan, who, uh, also ruined his plan this morning. But I guess Heather’s not rubbing all up on him so her ruining was worse than Megan’s ruing.

Also?

Whatever they’re rubbing on him starts to pill up into little balls. It looks like boogers. That’s not sexy unless, I guess, you’ve got a respiratory fetish, which I actually wouldn’t put past the Entertainer.

Toward the end of the massage, the Entertainer adopts a pseudo-post-coital glow and says…

And surely watching him stretch out the drama in between is purgatory.

Elimination!

C.J. asks the Entertainer what he learned on the Power Outing and the Entertainer reports that he learned that Megan loves bathing suits. “I think that’s all she owns,” he says. First of all, it took him this long to realize that? Did he just get rid of his baby eyes? And second of all, how the hell did the Power Outing teach him that when it was one of the only scenes in this entire show when Megan wasn’t wearing a bikini? Oh Entertainer. Your confusion confuses me so.

The Entertainer mentions the way Heather withdrew when 12 Pack left. It hurt him big time and he emphasizes this by gesturing to his heart…

…so that way you can really tell that he’s lying. Heather pleads her loyalty and is shot down immediately by Brandi and Megan, whose mini-alliance could be described as the B.M. alliance. It’s so appropriate considering that they’re full of crap.

Screaming ensues. Heather accuses them of lying. Heather accuses them of ganging up on her. Heather accuses them of jealousy since she got with 12 Pack. Brandi sort of hilariously interviews, “Heather starts yelling at us. You’re not at a strip-club, honey. You don’t have to scream at me. I can hear you.” Oh snap! You know a girl’s busting out the sassy guns when “honey” enters the conversation. The only thing that could make that statement queenier is if Brandi were wearing her crown when she said it.

Craig and the Entertainer sit down while this goes on.

Real reports that it’s great, like watching Rock of Love again. OMG, I would kill to watch Rock of Love live. They should totally adapt it for ice and take it around the country. I bet Rock of Love’s demographic and that of adapted shows for ice isn’t very different at all.

Anyway, Brandi gets the first check due to her non-threat status.

Entertainer makes her kiss him and she does so reluctantly. Whatever, at least you got away with only having to tend to the cheek, you know

Then, the Entertainer calls up Megan. He says he was ready to void her check as well as this one…

I love that he drew a tongue on it and that said tongue looks like a tube of lipstick, as lipstick reminds me of the genitalia of dogs. It all comes full circle! Anyway, the Entertainer is clearly pleased with his rendering.

Megan is so not.

Aw, it’s the bad-smell face we saw so much on Rock of Love 2! That’s the Megan I know and love! Welcome back, confused-disgusted girl!

And speaking of confusion and disgust, Megan is not going home! The Entertainer had to “think and think and think” about this decision, and at least he knows what he’s getting with Megan. Ever-morphing conniving? Heather’s “betrayal” was too shocking for him to be able to deal. He accuses Heather of pushing him away and then asks for a hug and she refuses. Ha! See, she is consistent!

Heather’s exit interview is awesome. “I hope they all lose, they all f***ing suck…some a-hole with a black heart and black soul is gonna get this money, and they don’t deserve it.” Speaking of the girl I know and love! Welcome back s***-talking, Heather! Sucks that you’re leaving so soon.

Related content
I Love Money show page
I Love Money videos and extras

This entry was posted on Monday, September 1st, 2008 at 9:00 am