Remember him? New York barely does!
A new day dawns at the L.A. casa de New York. Sister Patterson is gone and now all New York needs is someone to clean up her mother’s razor-sharp nail clippings. And so, Lizza will return. New York says improbably kind things about her assistant: “I’m so happy to see Lizza this morning. I kinda missed having her around.” What’s in those shakes Lizza’s feeding her? MDMA?
Anyway, at least New York is finally voicing appreciation for her overworked assistant. Contrast that absence making the heart grow fonder with this…
New York says that she and Tailor Made just aren’t connecting, and it’s due in no small part to Tailor Made’s lack of effort. A wise woman once said, “Players only love you when they’re playing,” and this was before the advent of reality TV. Stevie, you couldn’t have known how prescient you were.
But enough about that, it’s time for Chuck’s Call o’ the Week! New York promptly snatches the phone out of Lizza’s hand.
So we’re back on that again, I guess. Oh well, the appreciation was peaceful while it lasted. Anyway, Chuck booked New York on Chelsea Lately. She’s already been on that show and she knows that Chelsea is a ballbuster who asks tough questions. The prospect of reappearing has New York slightly queasy.
But, of course, who is she to turn down that kind of large-scale attention. She obviously accepts the appearance.
Lizza offers to help New York with her shoes, which yields an unduly bitchy response from New York, who rants about being a grown woman.
A grown woman, mind you, who can’t drive and doesn’t make her own shakes and researches Asian culture at the dry cleaner’s. I mean, can she even tie her shoes? It’s not out of line to think she might need help with them, considering.
And speaking of those shakes, she doesn’t want one!
“Do I look like I need a f***ing shake?” she hisses at Lizza’s offer. Frankly, no. Though it might help your love vibes! New York is in full freak-out mode over the prospect of appearing on Chelsea Lately. To calm herself down, she does this…
If only she could sing, she’d give Patti LaBelle a run for her money in the diva-gesturing department. As she does this ridiculous motion, she says, “Huuuuue!” She explains that this is a breathing technique she learned from a psychic lady in Brooklyn. Probably at the Coney Island freak show, New York’s home away from home. It’s supposed to relax her. But it probably won’t work for, as she notes, “I think I’m premenstrual, I’m gonna be bitchy anyway. Huuuue!” But what’s important is that she put forth effort and ended up looking like a complete and total spectacle.
They arrive at Chelsea Lately, where New York slathers herself with petroleum jelly.
Because when you don’t have a Slip and Slide at your immediate disposal, why not make everything a Slip and Slide?
Chelsea and her sidekick Chuy make an appearance in New York’s dressing room.
Chelsea asks if New York lost weight, and she says she has. And you know, she does look good, considering past episodes. New York tells Chelsea that she quit smoking and Chelsea asks her if she means cigarettes or crack. New York plays along, explaining she meant cigarettes because, “you know, I can only do one thing at a time.” Oh, Tiffany. Your improv skills are in top form. I can’t imagine why.
When Chelsea leaves, New York snaps back to reality:
“Did she just call me a crackhead?” Now, New York, no one said anything about a head. She implied that you had a habit, at most. Plenty of people can do crack recreationally without head-level forming habits.
New York takes the stage. Chelsea notes that she is shiny as hell.
Chelsea is, in fact, obsessed with New York’s shininess.
It is remarkable. She looks so slick that I wonder if she’s leaving a trail. New York notes, “Chelsea keeps commenting on my legs. I’m thinking to myself, um, it’s not rocket science. You could have the same results. Just get a tube of Vaseline.” But don’t worry: if it were rocket science, New York would obviously be able to handle that, too.
Anyway, there is general merriment…
…until Chelsea asks about Tailor Made, which prompts another…
…”Huuuuue!” And it’s the weirdest one yet!
New York goes onto explain that she and Tailor Made are having their “ups and downs.” When pushed by Chelsea for specifics, we get yet another…
…”Huuue!” Wait, is “Huuue” code for unplanned pregnancy? Doesn’t it look like that’s what she’s referring to here? Or like she’s holding one big globe instead of her normal two? Anyway, she makes Chelsea play along and instead of “Hue,” Chelsea says “Jew” in her typical dry and really-possibly-just-flat-out-unfunny way.
After the show, New York says that being on TV made her realize that she has to tackle her problems with Tailor Made. That’s appropriate since without TV, these problems wouldn’t have been possible in the first place. In fact, she wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to have these problems without TV. I guess that makes layers of necessity.
She calls Tailor Made and chews him out.
“You are a cop-out! You have a beautiful, successful black woman on your arm that has not been (something sexual) in over three months and you need to be ashamed of yourself.” Seriously! If she’s on his arm, the least he could do is reach over and tend to her vagina. It can’t be very far from wherever his hand is, you know?
And then acting class.
New York’s playing a giant paper cutter today. Isn’t she terrific?
Actually, she has come to find that the Shakespeare showcase she and her class will take part in is coming much sooner than she thought: tomorrow to be exact. And so, she practices with her as-yet-just-acting partner, Vos.
They perform the scene from Romeo & Juliet in which Juliet talks about the nightengale and the lark. New York’s delivery suggests that she has no idea what she’s saying. Yeah, and what else is new? Scott, her acting coach asks her to explain what Juliet is talking about in this scene. “The nightengale is a bird and the lark is a fish?” wonders New York. Yeah, Juliet was a big believer in surf-and-turf combos. No, New York. That’s not it at all.
Scott knows that she’s distracted and he says that her Tiffany s*** is getting in the way. Her Tiffany s*** is always in the way. She can barely carry anything (let alone baggage)!
She’s gotta shake it off, ’cause the lovin’ and the same and Tailor keeps on playin’ games. Right now, Tiffany says, her relationship is so f***ed up that she’s bringing it to her role. “Do you love this person?” asks Scott. “I did,” she says wistfully. That’s kind of sad, actually. Or maybe she’s just saying that because she wants Vos’ sov. I don’t know. Anyway, that stank girl from the second episode is clearly reveling in Tiff’s pain.
She is much like us.
Hoping that a change of environment might do their rehearsal good, Tiff and Vos hit the beach for some rollerblading.
Of course Tiff is a crotch-grabbing mess.
Again, I ask: what else is new?
They rehearse their scene, which is to say, they steal an excuse to make out…
Tailor Made drops by! Just completely out of the blue! How random and coincidental!
As Tiffany and Vos flirt (Tiff: You’re fun! Vos: Am I? Tiff: Are you a gemini?), Lizza calls her to find out when Tailor Made can expect her.
Lizza’s reactions this episode are more priceless than real-looking fake boobs. Tiff is vague about her ETA and clearly high on infatuation. She tells Lizza to, “Relax your mind,” before hanging up. What is that, acid talking?
Tailor Made sits around, talking about wanting to have a romantic candlelight dinner with Tiff.
Lizza, like, runs away. Heh. We see Tiff approaching the house with Vos! OMG, they’re going in! Together! Where Tailor Made is! And then, we hear her exclaim and that’s the end of the episode. Obviously, this is to be continued and next week’s show looks so uncomfortable, squirming will abound.
In more ways than one!