Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Except in this case, “sweet” means “good TV.” If ever there were a modern translation of Shakespeare, surely this is it.
We begin where we left off: after a romantic-or-is-it-just-acting-oh-no-wait-it’s-romantic afternoon with Vos, he drives New York home where her estranged reality TV-hatched beau Tailor Made awaits and prepares a romantic meal for just the two of them. A romantic meal that involves champagne on ice and burritos in wrappers.
Yep. That seems appropriately classy.
New York is surprised to find Tailor waiting for her. But her level of excitement isn’t exactly high — she reacts not so much as you would to a surprise gift, but to, say, a surprise period.
“I’m so not happy to see Tailor Made,” she interviews. Well, at least she isn’t pregnant!
What Whiteboy would call “scrappin'” begins almost immediately.
“You don’t f***in’ love me!” she yells at him. Clearly, resentment has been building up in her for some time. Perhaps that is why she’s looked so busty lately. The bickering continues. At one point, New York turns to Vos, whom Tailor condescendingly tipped as though he was Tiff’s chauffeur when they walked in, and says, “I’m just sorry that you had to bear witness to this s*** stain on my life!” What Deelishis’ birthmark is to her eyebrow (per New York’s words), so is Tailor Made to New York’s life. That really puts things into perspective.
Cartoonishly (which is to say, in a completely normal fashion for New York), she and Vos rehearse their scene in the midst of this bitchfest.
Tailor critiques Vos’ delivery. He stands up so as to underline how non-menacing he can be.
Vos asks him if he works out and he says, “No, I don’t need to.” “Yes you do,” is Vos’ retort. Ha! Not that someone like Buddha couldn’t use Vos as a toothpick or anything, but you know, at least he was momentarily witty.
Vos leaves and Tailor Made and New York share what she deems “an adult dinner,” the distinction being that it doesn’t involve sippy cups or chicken fingers.
Because it’s otherwise childish. Tailor Made says something about supporting Tiffany, and she takes issue with that word. She also says it’s big. I suppose support is a large concept for New York, considering the amount she needs to stand up straight. Tailor Made says something about this visit helping their relationship and Tiff snaps back, “What relationship?”
She also takes off her ring and waves her fingers at him so that he knows that she means business.
Unsurprisingly, this leads to a huge blowup, which in turn leads to Tailor Made storming out of the house. Tiffany takes his framed picture…
…and when she realizes the trash can is too small for her to stuff it in…
…she lays it on the top, face down.
Hmmm. It would seem that, if only for a brief flicker of a moment, the trash can has forced Tiff to abdicate her role as H.B.I.C. Kind of humbling, it must be.
No matter, the next day finds Tiffany revitalized. She’s nice to Lizza, for one thing.
“Don’t you look…sluttish,” she tells her assistant. At first it seems like an insult, but then she follows it up with, “You better work, bitch!” so you know she means it as a compliment. But then considering her beauty standards, of course she does.
She practices for the day’s Shakespeare showcase with a pillow.
Well, at least it’s more animated than Vos.
She calls Tailor Made to invite him to today’s theatrical festivities, but he doesn’t pick up. She leaves a voicemail. It’s uncommonly kind. And then, she gets to acting school, where she and her classmates will perform their scenes as sort of a graduation.
She sits and awaits being called up by Scott. Right before she’s set to go on, Tailor Made strolls in. Aw, he does care! Tiffany performs that nightingale/lark scene from Romeo & Juliet with a shirtless Vos.
She’s seriously not bad. Seriously. She even cries real tears! And since Shakespeare (or whoever) undoubtedly realized that punctuating this scene with a kiss would make a wonderful point of romantic ambiguity in a reality show one day, New York kisses Vos with much gusto in plain view of Tailor Made.
Tailor, for the record, isn’t a jerk about this. He commends New York on the way out…
Similarly, before she left, New York’s acting teacher Scott says that while he wasn’t certain when Tiffany entered the class, he’s now sure that she has the acting gene. At last, Scott realizes what the rest of us have known since early 2006.
Because she “loves him” and hopes that things will “work out,” New York takes Tailor out to lunch to Dolce.
He says supportive things regarding her acting. He’s her spiritual bra. Such a task. She’s not really having it, though, and she admits that she resents him for abandoning her. But she’s the one who moved to Hollywood! But the relationship was over long before! They go back and forth. It’s impossible to get a grasp on what actually happened. She thinks fame went to his head and he changed after I Love New York 2 began airing; he thinks that she just can’t handle all the time he spends on his work. He says he doesn’t feel like bringing up her emotional volatility, which puts them at a stalemate.
A standoff even. With nothing resolved, it’s time for them to part ways, which they also bicker about. Finally, New York says, “Oh, this is my table. You walk from here. I’m not getting up.” Ha! That makes putting up with their squabbling totally worth it. Tailor slams his chair back and flounces off.
Why so babyish? New York tells us definitively, “It’s over.” Then, in the previews for next week, we see her in negotiations for I Love New York 3. So that way she can do this all again! So much for “over.”