Margaret Cho is ready for her close-up…
…but is the rest of the world?
Since Cho’s turning 40 this year, she’s freaking out. Hollywood discards women as they age, and kind of tragically, Margaret says, “I’m afraid of not counting.” Aw, but you do count, Margaret! I said it and your eponymous reality show backs me up!
Anyway, Margaret’s anxiety manifests itself in awesome ways, of course. Among them:
- It forces her to take a good look at herself…
…via Joan Rivers, whose appearance is so smoothed-over that looking at her is like looking at yourself with Vaseline on your pupils. The point is that looking at yourself via a plastic surgery advocate like Joan maybe isn’t the best idea because it forces you to do extreme things.
Things like consulting a plastic surgeon about what improvements can be done to your appearance and having him illustrate it by marking it up…
Props to Margaret for not completely buying into his proposed revisions. When he pointed out her “chubby cheeks,” Margaret snapped back, “It’s hella cute, though.” With confidence like that, who needs plastic surgeons?
The best thing to come out of the visit was, of course, the implants Margaret was given to test out…
Hilarity ensued when Margaret showed them off for her parents…
OK, she looks about 80.
See? Margaret’s mother’s handling of the implants was similarly awesome…
“So heavy!” Now she knows the burden collectively placed on the girls from any given season of Rock of Love! Handling silicone is indeed the fastest path to Celebreality empathy.
Of course, the best thing to come out of all this was the reaction of Selene and her belly-dancing coach…
They felt the urge to eat them! Now they know how Bret Michaels feels!
The second-best thing?
Well, there are actually two second-best things. Or even four, depending on how you count up the joy in the preceding gifs.
- It forces her to get her butt bleached
Margaret’s search for youth leads her to an anal-bleaching treatment, which frankly makes as much sense to me now as it did before I saw the procedure, which is to say: IT MAKES NO SENSE. Seriously how anyone could consider anus color enough to actually construct an ideal is completely and utterly beyond my comprehension. And I’m as far from butt-averse as they come. Pun intended.
On the plus side, it looks fun. So maybe there’s the recreational aspect. Certainly, it being something that requires a take-home kit raises the fun-factor, too.
Look, Charlie agrees! From one not-butt-averse dude to another, I salute you, Charlie.
- It forces her to…ignore everything Joan said.
She decides that instead of getting plastic surgery, she’ll just get tattoos to divert attention from her wrinkles. That’s not just a subversion of beauty standards, it’s like a one-woman picket. In vibrant colors. There’s no doubt as to why Margaret’s such a gay icon at this point, right?
- It forces her to get her cougar on
Via porn star, pro-sex advocate and Boogie Nights actress Nina Hartley…
…Margaret learns to embrace her age, and she takes her mom along with her.
Her mom says she’d bang a dude under 30. Ironically, every dude under 30 who’d be down for it is probably gay. But in the end, Margaret reaches her epiphany: sex cures what surgery can only cover. “Instead of going under the knife, go under the d***,” she proclaims. Of all the lessons Margaret has learned via The Cho Show so far, this is undoubtedly the most practical, useful and fun one yet! F*** on, Margaret!