Because, as I Love Money taught us, you can’t be a true Celebreality star until you’ve had your way with the pole…
Brooke has a problem!
She pinches her stomach and refers to it as a “little pooch.” So, in other words, she’s been eating dog. Hey, as long as you’re OK with it, it’s not a problem. Kidding. She doesn’t like the, like, 1/8 inch of fat that’s on her belly. So she and her roommates are going salsa dancing. Because why work out and monitor your diet when you can go salsa dancing?
Hulk grills his daughter on her plans for the night. Since Glenn is taking her, Hulk wonders with a hint of disapproval, if she’s going to a gay club. Um, wouldn’t you want her to be at a gay club? If she has to go out, the best place would be that of genitalia that points away from your daughter reflexively. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, you know?
Whatever. They go. They dance. Brooke’s legs burn. As they sit, they talk to some woman about going there for the purpose of fitness. That woman says that pole-dancing is another one of those unconventional workouts. Brooke’s eyes light up at the prospect.
Ex-Mrs. Tyra mail!
Brooke’s mother, Linda is planning on visiting. “I got a new bathing suit. It holds my thighs in and it’s awesome,” says Linda. I think I speak for children of parents around the country when I say, “Mooooooom!” Brooke tells her mother about her newly discovered development in provocative fitness. Linda isn’t sure about taking weight loss to the pole, but Brooke implores her to try it out. “I mean, you already wear clear heels,” she says. Yeah, and per that visit you took to Fashion Bug on the last season of Hogan Knows Best, we know that you do, too, missy.
Linda arrives with…
…clear heels in tow!
Ashley makes a jokingly snide comment about the Hogans’ tendency toward “slutty shoes”…
…and Linda says, “Hey! I resemble that remark.” Indeed.
Their instructor clearly tried out for all three seasons (that includes the upcoming one) of Rock of Love.
Or if she didn’t, she really, really should have. Her name is Susan and she introduces the exercises by saying, “This is gonna make you feel hot!” But will it make you feel as hot as Bret Michaels’ bandanna? We never can say for sure.
Brooke swings on the pole and (surprise!) she’s a natural.
Susan has amazing names for the different positions. This is “very bad kitty”:
“Bad kitty” can also be used as a verb, as in, “Bad kitty it up.”
That’s how you do that. And here’s lopsided-whisker kitty:
Really amazing things happen that deserve representation without commentary. Among them:
At the end, Brooke exclaims, “I feel like my uterus had a workout!”
That, my friends, is how you know you did it right.
At the end of the class, Brooke and Linda ask Susan how they can procure a stripper pole aka home-workout kit of their own. Why, just go down to a store called Hustler, says Susan, selling it as though it isn’t a freaking sex shop.
So they go.
“It smells like Christmas in here!” Brooke enthuses. Yes, and what is a sex shop anyway, than Christmas for your loins.
They decide on a model that runs $500.
Linda gasps at the price, but Brooke ensures her that she’s considering going into stripping if the music thing doesn’t work out. It’s a worthy investment! Brooke’s kidding, although the amount of money she could rack up is serious.
Back at home, Brooke and her roommates install the pole.
It begs the question, how many Celebreality stars does it take to screw in a strip pole. I don’t know the answer, but one should definitely hold the tatters.
“People are gonna walk in and know we’re serious about being in shape,” says Brooke on her placement choice. Yeah, that’s exactly what they’ll think. Case and point:
One of Glenn’s friends who, days later, skeptically asks, “Glenn told us that you were doing this for ‘fitness?’” Of course they are! Ashley shows them how.
And then Brooke joins her in a Sapphic stance called the double-Tinkerbell.
Brooke clearly enjoys performing for the crowd who enthusiastically snaps pictures and takes video…
Angry Tyra mail!
It turns out that Jimmy Hart saw Brooke dancing on a pole on YouTube and informed Brooke’s father about it. What a tattle tale!
Brooke gets the message and freaks out.
Like it’s some big moral taboo or something. Isn’t the main issue that footage from this episode leaked months in advance of its showing because hello, it was being filmed anyway!!!
Glenn of infinite wisdom doesn’t see the big deal.
“Let’s watch it again!” he cackles. Brooke freaks out about getting it taken down. Again, this must be a copyright issue, and not a reputation one. Right?
Hulk eventually makes his way over.
He was mostly concerned because he thought Brooke was at a strip club. Really, like with windows the size of hers, wasn’t there too much light for it to be a strip club? He couldn’t tell from the background that it was for a pad he’s frequented all freaking season?
But whatever. It’s all good. And Brooke is already reaping the benefits of her new workout routine.
And if you think her guns are impressive, wait’ll you see her thighs!