I Love Money Recap – Episode 11 – The Drink Of Disaster

In this episode, everyone gets dizzy and sloppy and ha ha, Megan laughs right in their faces…

Although to be fair, she probably would have, anyway.

Resuming from last week’s cliff-hanger that came to be when Brandi C., eliminated herself, thus creating the need to go back in the vault to find another person to put in the box, we are…

…back in the vault to find another person to put in the box. See how that works? It’s like magic, minus the wow factor. Voting begins. No one raises their hand for Whiteboy. Megan and Real vote for Toasteee and so, it is her check that goes into the box. Why we don’t see anyone so much as discussing voting for Pumkin is never explained. See what a sparkling personality and willingness to work with others gets you on this show? To that end, Megan explains her rationale for voting Toasteee into the box: “I did it for Brandi C.” This woman’s generosity knows no bounds. If she wins the $250,000 and blows her earnings on bikinis and Cosmopolitans, she’ll undoubtedly be doing that for Brandi C., too.

Oh, Megan adds to her rationale: “What goes around comes around.” You know why? Because she isn’t here to make friends.

Back in front of Hoopz, it’s time for elimination for real this time. Except, it’s not elimination for Real, as he’s the first to be called by Hoopz to get his check. She makes reference to his unfortunate proposal and says, “I know I couldn’t give you an answer…” Except, of course, by not answering, she did. Not that Real understands that.

He interviews, “I’m still waiting on my answer.” God, Real, what part of unresponsive don’t you understand?

Hoopz then calls up Megan and mentions how Megan’s skills on the pole proved her to be a threat. That’s like the first rule in the Celebreality universe: what’s good on a pole is good for TV. So Megan’s not just a strong schemer, she’s strong, period. However, Hoopz gave her her word and so Megan’s safe.

She hasn’t been this happy since she saw an old lady fall down in the middle of a cross-walk last month!

This, of course, means that Toasteee is going home.

Hoopz says that she never really trusted Toasteee and that what goes around comes around. Oh really? There’s a new one. How clever, because see, “around” is used twice and stuff. Toasteee’s exit isn’t gracious, but it’s seriously awesome: “Megan, you bitch, you left some cottage cheese on your ass. It’s called cellulite. Get Brandi C.’s doctor, OK?” That’s some awesome imagery, as though Megan missed a spot when she was eating the cottage cheese off her ass with crackers. As potentially harmful as all these body-image attacks are, it’s somewhat exhilarating to witness people unabashedly going there. It’s like anything was possible — bras in freezers, Ex-Lax-drizzled cake, hazing — and now that Toasteee and Brandi C., are gone, so many opportunities for malice are dashed. This show just died a little.

As Toasteee stomps off, we see this shot…

…and I’m struck with how much I love that Megan’s bikini looks like a censorship bar. This is her quiet way of signaling that she’s too hot for TV.

Following elimination and not hearing the answer that he wanted, Real is sort of lost and so he turns to his brother by phone.

So, why is Chance just getting to this now? Shouldn’t he have informed Real that their alliance wasn’t as solid as he thought, you know, when that became clear and he was still in the house? Real, being someone who proposed to a woman after not so much as even kissing her, needs all the clue that he can get. Doesn’t his brother know this? Chance also brings up the possibility of Whiteboy and Hoopz having something going on…

…and that Whiteboy, in addition to doing the dirty, is just doing Hoopz dirty…

What did he call her, though? There are no context clues to be had, and if the number of characters corresponds to the number of letters in his epithet, it’s probably either “bitch” or “whore,” but for all we know, it could be “penis.” At least that would add an interesting dimension to all this weird and half-hearted conjecture.

Finally, Real reveals that Hoopz told him that she can’t marry him. What the hell? Why didn’t we see that part? God, if anything has come out of this sequence it’s genuine empathy for Real: I’m just as shaken up and confused and ready to propose to the first person who can sort me out.

As we cut away, we pull back to this:

Whiteboy and Hoopz tussle under the covers. Laughing like children. Living like lovers. Rolling like the eyes of the millions who are watching them.

Challenge time!

Craig mentions something about seeing double. Hence Hoopz’s intense focus.

They arrive at the site of the challenge and Pumkin wonders…

Hmm. Perhaps because whether it’s from mouth or from butt, there’s always some crap flowing on this show.

That’s not far off, actually. The name of this challenge is, “You Booze, You Lose,” and it’s inspired by the drunken escapades typical of Celebreality programming. It’s so typical, in fact, that it goes without saying. Like, you can’t exist on these shows without being loaded. This might as well be the breathing challenge. And oh, how a shot of oxygen would benefit the brain so!

Also? For the second week in a row, the challenge exploits the specialty of the just-eliminated contestant. Heather missed out on the pole challenge and now Toasteee misses out on the toasty challenge. Their respective chi must be off.

Anyway, in this challenge, the grubbers must spin around on a bar stool 20 times…

…and then make their way through this cup-strewn bar…

…without knocking anything over…

…and then it’s back to the bar for 20 more spins and to the margarita table…

They must fill their mouths with this You Can’t Do That on Television-esque green sludge and transport it to the visual metaphor that is the toilet…

Once the slime has reached the fill line, they have to kiss one of these people…

…and cross the finish line.

Pumkin is the first to go and she’s messier than milk in a weave.

When she reaches the end, unlike the people who follow her who merely peck the Mexican extras, Pumkin spends time attached to the dude’s face.

Well, take it where you can get it per the rules of a challenge, you know? That’s what I always say when I’m sliming someone down with this old throw-up tongue. Megan interviews that she feels bad for the old guy because, “Pumkin is disgusting.” You can hear her larynx recoil and quiver when she says that. At least her delivery is consistent with her sentiment. She really knows how to sell it, you know? In that respect (as well as the blonde one), she’s sort of the Celebreality equivalent of Mary J. Blige.

Oh, and by the way?

It took Pumkin 11 minutes to do all this. Brandi called her a pig last week, but this week she’s a sloth, pending an SWV-style manicure.

Real goes and in the process reminds me of the way the dog I grew up with used to drool.

That dog made me really uncomfortable.

Whiteboy uses the crotch-grab technique to steady himself…

…repeatedly…

Whatever. You can’t knock a dude for finding his center.

Megan gets disgusting herself.

I have to say that I love being able to present a shot of her that looks post-exorcism.

Keep the crosses away from this one.

Megan’s run is actually kick-ass. Here’s how it looks right before Hoopz’s turn:

Annnnd, here’s how it looks after:

Hoopz blows through the course as though it’s one of her opponents’ hearts. She is the first back-to-back Paymaster this show has had. Oh, and for her disastrous turn, Pumkin goes straight into the box.

At home, Real has remorse over the proposal and a vigilant heart.

And that’s to say nothing of his strange taste in drinking buddies.

He confronts an apathetic Hoopz…

Seriously, what could it be? In a case of extremely unnecessary censorship, wouldn’t it be awesome if Whiteboy had called her a “Hoopz?”

Also, please note that the wine that Megan’s pouring herself has its cork floating in it.

I think Lily could have done a better job at opening that bottle.

Real collects Hoopz and Whiteboy so that he can confront them on their possible relationship, once and for all.

He asks if anything’s going on between them and Hoopz answers with a side-eye and smirk.

Uh, yeah, don’t make it too obvious there. Hoopz responds, “Everybody says it a lot.” But you know what Whiteboy says a lot? “I mean…s***.” He says it like a million times during this conversation. So I guess they really are together? Whiteboy takes Real to task for proposing to a woman that he barely knows and then Hoopz flips the script, saying that he, too, doesn’t know her and so how could he be talking about her since he called her the ultimate of all insults, a #@%$&. All those symbols weigh on your soul, it would seem. But also, this seems like a stretch. There’s a lifetime of difference between proposing marriage and telling someone about themselves. At least, in the world of reality TV, there are episodes worth of difference.

Whiteboy denies this claim, and says that turning Hoopz against Whiteboy is Real’s way of eliminating him from “this little love triangle.” So it is a love triangle?

This show is really bizarrely dabbling in the art of subtlety now. I can barely wrap my head around it because for the past 10 weeks, it’s been slammed repeatedly with a 2×4 of the sturdiest obviousness this side of Yellowstone.

Anyway, Whiteboy freaks out and storms out and broods.

Subtlety affects everyone.

Vault time!

Votes are cast. No one votes for Whiteboy. Pumkin is the only one to vote for Megan. Pumkin, in fact, is the only voter, period. Megan suggests not counting any votes and having Hoopz decide who will join Pumkin in the box. They paradoxically vote on that.

And so it will be. Hoopz emerges and immediately tosses Whiteboy and Megan in the box. In a windy interview, Hoopz explains that Real is the only one she trusts 100 percent. And you know, if Real couldn’t snag a fiancee, a ride-or-die ally is an extremely helpful consolation prize.

This Power Outing takes place on a boat.

It’s a somber sunny occasion in which no one says much until the topic of elimination comes up. Then people have plenty to say. I know, you’re shocked. Megan suggests getting rid of Pumkin to avenge the elimination of Chance. God, still? I forgot that Chance was even on this show, let alone eliminated by Pumkin. Pumkin points out that Megan was the brains behind that decision. They squabble and squabble.

Megan at one point squeals to Pumkin, “You are so f***in’ trailer park, white trash!” Ah, but what is an insult without a reference to your adversary’s weight? Pumkin, in turn, refers to Megan as as “master manipulator,” which is not so much a reality cliche as a Celebreality cliche, and one, I think, originated by Heather. Quick, Megan: hit back at Pumkin’s saggy tatters and describe why she’s a Creepy Creeperton.

The guy who’s helping coordinate this outing attempts to address the group, but he can’t get a word in edgewise. He finally does and then remarks to himself, in what looks like all seriousness…

And usually the impulse on my end would be to say, “Don’t judge us and our culture by the behavior exhibited by these people!” But considering the state of our country, I think we all deserve that and then some.

Whiteboy, meanwhile, ingeniously hangs back, keeping quiet and letting Megan and Pumkin be their own undoing.

It’s so well-played that it leads to a one-on-one with his possible girl Hoopz. Oooh, date time!

As they stare down tremendous sandwiches, Whiteboy denies ever having called Hoopz a #@%$&. He says he’s never even talked about her like that, and that anytime she ended up in his mouth, it was because Real brought her up. Well, that and because they were carrying out a secret affair under a blanket. That’s the nice way of being in someone’s mouth, though.

Meanwhile, back at home, Real prepares something nice for Hoopz because he clearly doesn’t know when to throw in the towel. But also, there was probably nothing much better for him to do while everyone was out of the house. Since Hoopz has expressed interest in visiting Italy, Real has resolved to bring Italy to her.

What, there isn’t a Mexican Olive Garden in the immediate vicinity that he could take her to?

When Hoopz is home, Real tells her to shower and get dressed because he’s going to take her someplace.

What, someplace other than the land of confusion?

As they walk out back, Real senses resistance on Hoopz’s part.

So now they can laugh about it. It seems like yesterday when this proposal was the most important, serious matter in the world. Oh wait. It was yesterday.

And thus, Real has brought Hoopz to Italy. It’s Italy because the sign says so!

Real kinda-sorta grills her on the upcoming elimination. Hoopz has no idea how it’s going down.

…Real says in reference to Whiteboy.

No really, Hoopz has no idea. And what’s wonderful is that nothing says, “What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” quite like a side eye and a quarter pound of pasta hanging out your mouth. Just like Megan is the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul, so is Hoopz the Queen of the Side-Eye on this episode.

Hoopz seems sort of irritated about the whole thing. There goes the chance for another proposal!

Elimination looms and Megan is getting super worried.

“I’m still good, right?” Megan says, citing the fact that Hoopz gave her her word last episode. But hellooooo…this is I Love Money. Your word is only good until the following elimination. Loyalty is a temporary condition when you’re there to win. Megan tells Hoopz that eliminating Pumkin for eliminating Chance would make for “a good ending.” God, Megan. Not everyone’s as invested in making good TV as you are. Clearly, otherwise we’d be seeing a lot more jiggling and drunken vomiting from Hoopz. Hoopz won’t reveal Megan’s fate either way, which is awesome. It’s great watching her quiver like a larynx.

Elimination!

“I think I deserve to stay here more than Pumkin deserves to stay here. I don’t think Pumkin ever deserved to be here in the first place…Bitch!” While some use periods and exclamation marks, Megan uses “bitch.” Her spite is so inherent, she can’t even construct a sentence without it. And that is why we love her.

Decisions, decisions…weird decisions. Megan gets the first check!

And then agony:

Hoopz calls up Whiteboy. She tearily confronts him for calling her a stranger. But ultimately, she feels that #@%$&gate was just a misunderstanding. Whiteboy is staying and Pumkin is going home. At last the elimination of Chance is avenged now that no one cares about it!

Pumkin takes Hoopz to task for acting on revenge. Pumkin doesn’t believe in that. She performs more direct expressions of malice, such as spitting and talking about sex with Mr. Boston. And really, she does know a thing or two about discipline.

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