I Love Money Recap - Finale - Hoopz, In The Money

Hoopz has been crowned the winner of I Love Money and she can’t believe it!

Can you?

And so, our Money train has reached its final stop.

And it looks like someone has to pee!

Not Megan, though. She already took care of that in everyone’s cornflakes. You know how she do!

Just kidding. Everyone’s clearly freaked out over the upcoming challenge. More than ever, this game is every man for himself. Where that leaves the women, I have no idea. In cheerleading skirts, perhaps? The call from Craig tells them to wear athletic shoes. Whiteboy is particularly pleased at the prospect of a physical challenge, but then, when isn’t he? Between his sneakers and his old throw-up tongue, he’s ready for any physical challenge that comes his way.

They’re carted off to the site of the challenge, which is called:

Just to give you an idea of what these people are up against, here’s a shot of the crazy scary jagged rocks below…

…and here’s a shot of this contraption from below:

Everyone loves an upskirt, right?

This challenge is based on the shoving match between Buckeey and Krazy during Flavor of Love 2. Don’t get your hopes up, though: New York, however, is not being bussed in to cackle on the sidelines. So much for authenticity. What each grubber must do is carry this sack of a dummy (that’d be Krazy’s stand-in, though I doubt they could find a pile of cloth as tuneless as Krazy, so again: inauthenticity)…

…across the narrow beam, toss it over the railing at a target and then cross back over the beam to the start. Whomever can do this in the shortest amount of time is the Paymaster. There will be no vault this week (since there are only three contestants left who aren’t the Paymaster, duh) and instead of a Power Outing, we’re looking at a Power Dinner. Hopefully this means we’ll get to see Lily in formal attire.

Megan, who exhibits rare vulnerability, is up first, but takes forever to give Craig the thumbs-up signaling that she’s ready to go. Megan, you see, is afraid of heights. I think in her case, it’s safe to say that the heights are more afraid of her. They don’t want to be called fat!

When Megan’s finally ready to go, she immediately runs into problems…

It seems that Krazy’s crazy heavy, which causes Megan to stumble…

…and ultimately drop her, thus finishing the job that many a Flavor of Love 2 girl started. Oh Krazy, we hardly knew ye. But don’t mourn her. Instead think happy thoughts. Think of all the lives she saved.

One by one, the rest go. Hoopz starts well, though she doesn’t hit the target…

She also forgets that she’s supposed to go back over to the start, so she waits around a little before rushing back over for a time of 23 seconds. Real wears mismatching arm, uh, things in a look that suggests American Gladiators-meets-Punky Brewster…

The arm things are of no help. He does worse than Hoopz, banking 28 seconds. Oh, he doesn’t hit the target either, which doesn’t seem to matter (perhaps it was in place in case of a time tie?).

Finally, Whiteboy zips through the challenge and knows when he’s done that he’s clearly the winner.

And so he is, with 16 seconds. Whiteboy reports that as Paymaster, he’s keeping money on his mind and his mind on money. Sounds like someone’s been hitting the gin and juice again!

At home, Megan and Real reflect on what they both perceive to be their upcoming elimination.

It’s like Dead Man Walking, if the nun were going to be executed, too, and wore bikinis all the time. Real is worried that his alliance with Whiteboy isn’t as strong as it used to be — can Whiteboy’s word really be trusted? Pay attention to this because Megan will exploit it for her benefit as only she can.

Power Dinner!

Real compares Whiteboy’s general demeanor to Tony Montana, and he doesn’t even say that to kiss Whiteboy’s ass, even though I’m sure he’d be flattered. I think Whiteboy’s coming more on the H.B.I.C. tip, but what do I know?

The dinner begins and everyone’s quiet, unwilling to acknowledge the $250,000 elephant in the room.

Everyone, that is, except for Whiteboy, who gets the ball rolling. There’s some alliance-squabbling, some bickering over the bickering over Hoopz that took place after Real’s real weird proposal, and things of that nature.

More importantly, there is Lily in formal attire.

Yes! I just love it when I predict stuff that’s going to happen in shows that I’ve already seen! Now that we’ve seen evening wear, let’s see if our libidos can handle Lily’s swimsuit debut!

Somewhere in the mix, Megan reports that Real questioned Whiteboy’s loyalty…

…thus stirring up more bickering. Again: you know how she do!

Hoopz picks up the slack for Real and counters by saying that Megan said if she were Paymaster, she’d be getting rid of Whiteboy. Megan counters that this was just in response to being ignored. And if Megan’s performance and bikinis on this show have taught us nothing else: she will not be ignored! This kinda bites Hoopz on the ass, because Whiteboy chastises her for not telling him about it earlier. Megan and Whiteboy trade his ‘n hers “f*** you”s for a while and it’s about as sweet and special as it would be if they were trading straight up f***s.

In the end, Hoopz is pissed, Megan’s maybe screwed herself by opening her mouth (though Whiteboy assures her that he hasn’t forgotten the multiple times she saved him) and Real adopts a Linda Richman-esque pose, much like Chance did earlier this season.

I guess it runs in the family?

Real reflects on the situation after dinner, saying, “They don’t know the codes of the streets.”

Some people aspire to the life of Tony Montana; others live it. Apparently.

Elimination!

Real chews gum like a cow. Hoopz wears a denim skirt. Whatever, it’s notable. Craig asks them what they’ll do if they don’t win the money. Hoopz couldn’t live with herself. Real with hurt more than you can imagine. Megan slurs a soliloquy resembling a case for Whiteboy to keep her around: “You know what? I worked really hard to be here. And it wasn’t doing good in challenges. It was me convincing other people to keep who is here here. And if I talked to her about him, it wasn’t because I wanted less of him, it was because I wanted more of him. It was never to hurt him. And if it didn’t prove that, then nothing ever will.” It’s not quite Anna Nicole Show sloppy…it’s more Skyscraper sloppy. Still amazing, though. Also, what in the ass crack is she talking about? It will forever remain a mystery of half-hearted flirtation.

Whiteboy calls up Real.

They’d been cool since day one, but all of a sudden, it became The Hoopz and Real Show. Perhaps out of jealousy or maybe out of loyalty to the code of reality TV (you aren’t there to make girlfriends!), Whiteboy can’t abide by this. It was Megan who repeatedly saved him, when Real should have had his back. For this, Real is eliminated.

And for that, Real is piiiised!

Real had to associate with Toastee and Pumkin for Whiteboy. Pumkin, for crying out loud, who severed off his conjoined brother and didn’t so much as cauterize the wound. But Real fell in love! He took his mind off his money! Apparently, this is very important to Whiteboy. It’s rapidly becoming a cliche, but not as much of a cliche as what Real says in an interview on Whiteboy: “Karma’s a bitch. What goes around comes around.” It’s not even that they’re both cliches, it’s that grouping them together to say all at once is a cliche in itself, at least on this show. It’s a meta-cliche. Just ask Toasteee.

And soon you’ll get the chance to! Instead of making him exit, Craig has Real sit on the couch and Whiteboy enter the Top 3 lineup.

And then, in come some familiar and sun-worn faces of the past…

Ha! In a twist that could have only been devised to pay Megan back for every nasty thing she’s ever said about anyone on this show, the remaining three contestants will face a jury of their reality TV peers to plead their cases as to why they should remain on the show. Those who pass the test (i.e. not Megan) will go on to compete in the final challenge. Megan has never seemed more frightened of a social situation in her life.

Craig asks the jury what they think of the Top 3. 12 Pack sees two people who made it there on merit and one weasel. Entertainer and Heather are both surprised that Real isn’t in that lineup. Megan realizes that she’s had a part in the elimination of each of the jury members. We see a brilliant reel of her conniving and then…

She quits! She weaseled her way in and she’s now weaseling her way out! The structure is more parallel than what this really means: that she can dish out but she can’t take it in. Toasteee is so not amused.

You get the feeling that she’s pissed that she didn’t get a chance to hand Megan her allegedly cellulite-laden ass. “They’re not deciding my fate. I decide my own fate. I’m quitting,” Megan informs us. So in the end, even though she doesn’t get the money, she kinda wins.

Craig voids her final check and Megan offers truly bizarre parting words:

“You know what? I never thought I was gonna win the money. I came here to play the game. And it was fun and I’m happy.” She didn’t come here to make friends, but she didn’t come to win, either. She came here to ridicule for sport. Only Megan Hauserman, you know? A true American television original.

As Megan stalks off, Toasteee says, “And your little dog, too!” Everyone else, on the other hand, is all…

…”Ding-dong, the witch is dead!”

And then there were two…

…and they ate toast.

And then there were two more…

…black socks pulled up almost to Hoopz’s ears. They both is. Still!

Hoopz and Whiteboy are carted to the scene of their last challenge.

It’s in a town square, possibly the same one they had to run around during that eating-and-racing challenge, in which they were made to consume tortilla crepes. This first leg of the final challenge is called the Dash for Cash — they have to collect 100 pesos (almost $10) from those sitting in the square. When they have it all, they can proceed to the next leg. The Spanish-speaking Whiteboy isn’t so bothered by the challenge. Hoopz, on the other hand, explains…

“I’m so nervous about begging for 100 pesos. I don’t even know Spanish. I know grat-zias. If I even said that right.” You didn’t, but what matters is that you sounded cute not knowing it.

And they’re off!

Like any good representative of the U.S., Hoopz shouts English at non-speakers.

And here’s her impression of their response:

Ah yes, the international language of miscommunication. In its broken way, it’s unifying.

Whiteboy has very little problem prying out the necessary pesos.

With the money in his pocket, he’s on his way.

Hoopz, meanwhile, just can’t win…

At one point, she offers to trade her jewelery, which she doesn’t seem to be wearing, or her “hair thing,” which: ew.

She resorts to yelling, “Pesos! Anybody, pesos?” which sounds like she’s trying to tell rather than acquire. You know, that’d be a great business, selling pesos. They’d fly off the shelves! Everyone would want them! Once she gets them, screw the challenge, she’s got a business to set up!

Oh, she stoops as low as to asking a woman in sore need to teeth…

This woman can’t chew, and yet Hoopz is hitting her up for cash. Gotta draw the line somewhere, Hoopz.

She finally hooks up with someone who offers to buy her navel barbell.

He messes with her a little by bringing down the amount he’s offering. He starts at 50 pesos and brings it down to 20, much to Hoopz’s chagrin. In the end, however, he gives her the full 100.

He’s such a ham about it that it’s clear that his efforts to bring down the price didn’t spring from thrift, but an interest in extended camera time.

Whatever. Hoopz gets in her car…

…and immediately, traffic backs up over an accident.

Wah waaaaah!

They end up turning around, but the detour makes Hoopz feel as though the $250,000 is slipping away from her. And it is! Whiteboy’s already at the site of the next part of the challenge.

He starts on the trail and tells us of its treachery…

“I mean, this ain’t even safe, man. There’s rocks, sticks, scorpions, hornets, beehives, a damn termite I seen so big, look like a chihuahua…” I know that snippet of dialogue isn’t particularly fascinating, but I do implore you to listen to it to soak in the brilliance of his pronunciation of “hornets.” He makes it sound so dirty! He’s probably referring to crack hornets.

Hoopz, amazingly, is not so far behind him. She hopes that he’s fallen and hurt something so that she can catch up. Awww, how wistful!

Whiteboy hits the beach, where another challenge awaits…

They must roll giant coins with Craig’s giant head on them…

…down the beach, through a series of flags.

As Whiteboy rolls, Hoopz approaches…

But he’s in the boat at the end of this challenge practically before she can even start.

The task is arduous. Hoopz mourns like she would if a P.A. told her that knee socks are out.

And yet, she perseveres.

But is it enough? Whiteboy is already at the scene of the final leg of this final challenge: back at the mansion.

In perhaps the biggest challenge of the day, Whiteboy is given several words to read:

He doesn’t fare very well.

Prokay? That sounds like Ben Gay for your prostate. I don’t know why you’d need it…well, maybe I do. And is kaydeyeffer some kind of hyper-biotic dairy slime? Sounds delicious!

Anyway! In the ultimate bit of self-reference for a show that exists to reference, the final challenge is to line up pictures of the I Love Money cast in the order in which they were eliminated from the show.

Ha, disposable television isn’t so disposable, now is it? Whiteboy admits that his “recreational habits” are not helping his cause. He should start sprinkling ginkgo biloba in his blunts. He screws up the fourth and fifth eliminations (Mr. Boston went before Destiney)…

…and it ends up costing him the game. His head swims with Celebreality.

I see some variation of this every night before I fall asleep. Thanks, VH1 for 2+ great years!

Anyway, Whiteboy’s burnt-outedness allows for Hoopz to pull ahead.

Whiteboy totally cheats and looks off her paper, as it were…

But, astonishingly, it does not help. Whiteboy finalizes his lineup and…

…it’s wrong! Hoopz, however…

…is right! She wins her second straight Celebreality competition show in a row. This time, however, she won’t get a chance to leave her prize — it will leave her. You know how money do!

Hoopz freaks out and it’s pretty awesome.

And to think that she’s been chewing gum the whole time! Is there anything this woman can’t do?

Whiteboy takes his defeat graciously.

He points out that he never backstabbed and that second-place actually means something to him. Something beyond netting as much airtime as the winner, I think he means. Interesting!

Hoopz cannot wait to provide for her family, which: aw.

Looking particularly like Stacey Dash, she interviews, “I cannot believe I’m a quarter-millionaire. I never dreamed it. I never thought it and now I am!” To be fair, have you ever dreamed of being a quarter-millionaire? Not exactly something most people aspire to, but exciting all the same!

They all share a good-natured toast…

…to being better off than most Americans during this time of financial crisis! Cheers! It’s one thing to have a happy ending; it’s another thing to have a timely happy ending. The prescience of this show is nothing short of amazing.

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