VH1 has a new H.M.I.C. (that’s headmistress in charge, fool!) and she’s coming with intelligent perspective!
“Y’know, when I first laid eyes on the girls, I thought, my god. I’ve never seen a more bizarre group of women in my life.” Levity arrives on VH1! At long last!
We begin where we’ve been so often…
…watching Heather adjust her implants. The more things change (into ensembles that resemble a community theater’s crepe-paper-and-fabric fire scenery), the more they stay the same.
As the girls ride on a bus that suspiciously looks like last season’s bus…
…we hear a voice over courtesy of Sharon Osbourne, explaining why the girls are on the road to reform: “Millions of people around the world watched their disgraceful behavior as they kicked, scratched, lied and cried and even stripped nude on a show called Rock of Love.” Millions of people watched, but more importantly, millions of people loved. I seriously don’t see anything wrong with what Sharon described but maybe I’m just jaded.
Jaded like Dallas…
…or Raven, whose stank countenance suggests that she’s coming against her will.
They made her appear on a reality show…twice. Poor thing! Someone help her!
We see Courtney, she who lasted an episode and some change on Rock of Love 2 (since she slept through eliminations, her walk-of-shame happened during the morning of the second episode)…
She says, “All I know is I’m allergic to penicillin!” And from what we’ve seen (and from what we’re about to see) of Courtney, it’s conceivable that she is not exaggerating and that this is, indeed, all she knows.
They step off the bus and Megan seems thrilled that Heather gave her the gift of amusement and a sound bite with that outfit of hers…
“Heather shows up in a combination of a ’80s wrestler, superhero, like, comic book, ugly whore streetwalker bitch.” That says everything…more than once, considering how redundant it is.
A limo rolls up and everyone thinks it’s someone special, except it’s just Lacey.
Her chauffeur gives her some cash from her dad and it’s all so ostentatious that it screams set-up. You know she paid him to give her that money, right? It’s slyly indulgent, like Blair Warner in fox fur.
Heather is most affected by Lacey’s posh arrival.
“If anybody should be arriving in style as a rock star it should be f***ing me,” she moans. According to Heather, what’s unfair is not that someone got to take a limo instead of the bus; it’s that the someone wasn’t her. I’m pretty sure that she’s being 100 percent serious, too. God, these people are so evolved that they don’t even have to try to make ridiculousness anymore. They just blink a few times and open their mouths and bathe us in a Roman shower of reality.
Soon Sharon Osbourne pops out to say hi to the group.
Rodeo is a thrilled as a carny.
“Yeah baby!” she says, responding to Sharon’s presence. Small hands. Smells like cabbage?
Sharon tells them that she watched their Rock of Love exploits and that they acted like bitches in heat. Heather nods solemnly as if to suggest that acting like a bitch in heat was in her contract.
Which it kinda was, come to think of it.
Sharon goes on to explain that this show isn’t about making the girls into boring women who drink tea and listen to chamber music. It’s about making them into women of importance with self-worth. Women of importance with self-worth who don’t adjust their implants repeatedly not just in public, but in the hyper-public of television.
Sharon tells them that whomever makes it the furthest in the quest for importance will go home with $100,000. Everyone gasps and oohs and ahs at the notion of being one-tenth-millionaires. Everyone, that is, except for Angelique.
Yes, but does streepping provide the exhibitionist outlet of reality TV? Oh wait. It does. Don’t bother answering that.
The girls enter the house to find their rooms. Angelique gags like she just downed a bottle of Pepto over the “peenky” Barbie-ness of it all.
Even though there’s not a streeper pole to be found?
The girls come to find that they’ve been assigned rooms to maximize the domestic drama. Heather, for example, will be living with Megan and Brandi C., her two “least favorite heartless, conniving bitches.” She wanted to room with her two favorite heartless, conniving bitches, but Patty and Selma weren’t invited to participate and, besides, they’re cartoons.
Brandi M., is also in there and she whines because Megan brought Lily and she’s allergic. Megan says, “I don’t know what to say,” because she can’t be bothered to make her mouth form any words beyond those.
But the best of this situational comedy is that Lacey has been placed on the same bunk bed as Dallas.
Rodeo and Heather find this hilarious because it is.
And then, some groundwork is laid. Brandi C., introduces Megan to Lacey…
…Retardaire Alliance, consider yourself formed!
Meanwhile, Courtney double-fists…
You can see where this is going, right?
Raven sits and sulks and acts like she’s better than everyone. She should be flattered that anyone wanted to turn a camera her way. To quote her from the first episode of the first season of Rock of Love, every thorn has its rose, and this reality thing is it for you, babe.
Rodeo approaches Raven and she expresses clear disdain for kindness, however terrifying a cackle that may accompany it. Raven explains that she’s an anomaly. Yeah, because not being there to make friends is really something that makes you stand out on a reality show. Despite the limburger-level stank, Rodeo stays with Raven and they end up walking out to the mixer that’s happening in the backyard. On their way, Raven explains that she is actually smart, but she’s not being boastful or “brashful.” Apparently, she’s so free of brash that she’s not afraid of sounding like a fool by using words that aren’t actually real. Well if there’s one thing for sure, it’s that she’s being extremely obtuse about announcing her intelligence. Raven says she was meant for something much greater. Perhaps she means a dictionary.
Outside, the drama is brewing.
It all starts when, just to be an assh***, Lacey reaches over and tickles Dallas’ butt. Dallas, seizing the reality TV opportunity (Carpe skankbag!) to out-assh*** her adversary, pours Red Bull on Lacey…
…more liquids fly…
…and then so does an apple. Right at Lacey’s head.
And so evaporates any sympathy you may have felt for Dallas for being messed with when she was minding her own business. Thanks for making that easy, Dallas!
Lacey says her ear hurts and she can’t hear out of it.
She’s probably lying, but still: how is that not assault? How is it that Dallas wasn’t immediately thrown out by her labret piercing?
Megan and Jessica watch the scene in awe.
IT happens a lot, but it’s always nice to see people on these shows in as much disbelief as we are at home. Thanks girls! I feel so much less alone!
Brandi C., interviews that if the apple hit Lacey’s brain, she could have died. Thanks, Brandi C.! I feel so much smarter!
It keeps happening! This show is an adrenalin shot to the intellect.
And speaking of intellect…
…it’s the main point of discussion between Jessica and Raven. It starts when Jessica introduces herself and Raven responds with, “Don’t pay any attention to me.” Aw, modest! Brief jibber-jabber is interrupted when Raven reads Jessica with, “Intellectually, there’s nothing baking upstairs.” Or maybe she says “baking.” Either way, it’s poorly stated projection. Seriously, Jessica can, like, construct a sentence. Her intellect practically shakes its tatters in your face, considering the present company. After small talk Raven up and decides that Jessica’s stupid? How intelligently reasoned.
An argument breaks out, with Brandi C., defending Jessica by saying that she works for NASA. Apparently, NASA has a reality show leave-of-absence option. How progressive!
It all ends with Raven stalking off and Brandi C., squealing, “She’s disgusting!” Ah, that makes it all worth it.
Outside, Lacey confronts Raven over her flap with Jessica. This, unsurprisingly, devolves into hair-pulling.
Immediately, Lacey apologizes, explaining…
“I thought it was a wig!” Ha! If you can’t pull it off, insult its authenticity. Lacey’s really gunning to be the most mega megabitch since Heather Duke.
But there’s no time to dwell on this because…
Weeeeee! Looks like someone got into the catnip!
Courtney is trashed to the point of, like, sleeping while balancing on a potted plant.
Oh Rodeo, always the caretaker. You know your foliage is always safe when Rodeo’s around!
Courtney is so plastered, you wonder if she’s part wall. The peak of her intoxication just happens to coincide with the induction ceremony. Let’s see how she does!
Doing great so far, girl! No one will suspect anything!
Sharon introduces her fellow deans to the girls. There’s Riki Rachtman, who you may remember from the Rock of Love reunions.
There’s also Daniella Clarke:
Her husband is Gilby Clarke of Guns ‘n Roses fame, so she knows what it is to score big in rock and roll.
Sharon introduces the girls to the Charm School commandments…
…and she tells them that they’ll face their past at this induction ceremony: she’s going to show them clip reels of their most salacious moments on Rock of Love before they get their pins and are officially enrolled in Charm School. Oh great, it’s the Disingenuous Happy Funtime Hour, since now that all have to act ashamed of the behavior that got them on TV and is keeping them there. Also: as if these girls haven’t watched themselves pole-swing and makeout and bitch at each other countless times! Thank the unsurmountable egos and VH1’s repeat-heavy programming schedule for that! Rerun central just got a little more rerunny.
In the wake of her reel, Angelique is refreshingly unapologetic.
Talk about levity! At least she knows not to spoil her chances of future streeping when this reality thing dries up.
She is made to shred the DVD containing her reel.
One down. A closet-full waiting at home to go.
It’s Courtney’s turn, and, uh, she’s not doing so well.
She almost walks into the deans’ table when Sharon calls her up. You can practically smell the pink elephants that are circling her head.
This is even more apparent when Sharon approaches her and tells her, “You stink!” She hilariously waves away the stink as she reprimands Courtney.
Uh, Sharon? That doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe try spraying Lysol directly on Courtney’s tongue?
Sharon sends Courtney upstairs to get some rest. But no matter what happens, it’s doubtful that she’ll ever sleep back her dignity.
A few more girls go. Brandi M., is a drunken pirate with a body that never stops functioning. Oh, Brandi M., how we’ve missed you.
When it’s Megan’s turn, she announces, “I don’t really see myself as working.” Coming from someone who played her last reality show for sport, this is not surprising. Ultimately, she sees herself as a “top-of-the-line trophy wife.” It’s amazing that a single sentence could provide such a topsy-turvy ride through a person’s self-esteem, but that’s Megan for you.
Brandi M., who already hates Megan talks about that face that Megan does when she’s unamused…
She says it’s as though Megan is “smelling s***.” We at the blog know this fact all too well.
During Rodeo’s round, she blurts out…
Sharon’s response is classic: “Oh, I know!” In Charm School, flattery will get you…dismissed? Some people look like they’re smelling s***; others just do.
Raven reveals that she’s here that her goal is to become a “new-age talk show host.”
What nobility! Now you can definitely see why she’s so condescending — clearly, she’s here for a profound purpose. No, no frivolity there. Sharon wonders aloud if Raven is mad as a box of frogs. I think she’s as kooky as a crypt of wigs.
Heather calls her Celebreality turn, Daisy beat-down included, “embarrassing,” as if her cleavage-rhinestones-and-all outfit bespeaks anything but a complete and utter lack of shame.
Dallas says she came for education, not drama. And then she cries.
As if either of those things are possible!
Finally, there is Lacey, who takes the opportunity to tattle about the apple incident.
She also totally cracks up at her reel. Kinda love Lacey for keeping it real.
The girls go out to the yard for more mixing (beverage-wise and socially). Sharon goes up to check on Courtney and is met with some crack…
She tends to it and it strikes me that…
…covering up ass-crack is the Celebreality equivalent of tucking someone in. Aw, tenderness!
Elimination looms and so the girls get suited up in their Charm School uniforms.
Heather makes hers extra, as she’s wont to do.
Baby-steps to class. That really could be the title of the Heather Chadwell story.
The girls enter the main hall in their uniforms and Sharon comments on how “smart” they look.
Ah, figurative speech, you are far too kind.
Immediately, Raven announces that not only does she want to leave, but she’s “being straight-up and adamant” about doing so. I love how “up and at ‘em” worked itself in. I bet she did that on purpose because she thinks the expression is “up and Adam.” Raven’s getting brashful with her words again!
And she’s also getting lost.
In her exit interview, she talks about Charm School not being for her on account of her pedigree.
What pedigree would that be? Yellow-point? Holier-than-chow-chow? Clydesdale? Raven’s weird enough that I’m kinda sorry to see her go, though I can’t possibly blame anyone for disagreeing.
Sharon announces that because Raven booted herself, someone still needs to be officially expelled. No!
The Bottom 3 of Courtney, Lacey and Dallas are called down to the carpet.
Sharon calls Courtney forward and tells her that Charm School is not the place for her; rehab is.
Courtney begs for another chance but she’s not getting one. And really, this was her second chance. You’d think that after, I don’t know, sleeping through your elimination on the first reality show you were on, you’d do everything to avoid the same fate. Courtney seems like a sweet girl and it would have been nice to see her turn everything around, but in the words of another reality show host-slash-woman shaper, she just did not want it enough.
Courtney flees in a torrent of tears.
Outside, she reflects on her experience.
She reasons that if her time on this show makes a difference in one person’s life, perhaps she did have a purpose. Whatever you need to get yourself, through, you know? At least she’s doing so now with words and not alcohol. That’s a little comforting, right?