The Pickup Artist 2 Recap – Episode 2 – Cougar Hunting

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This week, it was all about our young Love Jedis’ quest for knowledge. The guys get their first lesson from Mystery about opening sets and negging. They also learn that age ain’t nothin’ but a number, and sometimes you have to woo a lady even if they remind you of your Bubbe. All that, plus Brian wins over Mystery and Co., with his smooth moves!

It’s officially game-on at the house. The guys mourn the loss of Alex, last week’s surprise cast-off, but things have only just begun. Each guy thinks the elimination could have happened to them, everyone promises to step up their game and Matt thanks the powers that be that his chest waxing was not in vain. The next day, they are called to a “secret location” i.e. the Italian Club complete with velvet ropes and Secret Service.

Each of the guys think that somehow this means “strip club!” (because when a venue on the outskirts of town has velvet ropes, it’s gotta have strippers). Alas, as they enter the venue, and – RECORD SCRATCH! – it’s a room full of older ladies playing Bingo. “I was definitely ready to talk to some amazingly gorgeous women. Unfortunately I was slightly misled,” Simeon explains after meeting their unexpected target. However, this reward challenge is to help the guys work on their conversation skills and, in Brian’s case, his spelling skills, and the winner will receive one of Mystery’s own personal accessories and a lesson on how to use it, so these guys start buttering up the crowd. (If there was any butter leftover, I didn’t see it, but you know these ladies put in in their purses along with any stray packets of Sweet ‘N Low. Nana’s gotta eat.)

Matt totally gets how to relate to a room full of older ladies, what with his experience at his Bubbe’s old folks’ home. We love him more each week. Simeon and Kevin take the approach of calling out the women’s age and while Simeon’s “You look. . . not a day over 35,” might seem complimentary, it’s still a little cringe-y. Not as cringe-y as Kevin though, who, in addition to sweating when nervous, has verbal diarrhea all over the women he’s schmoozing. While they might look like people, in reality, Kevin mistakes them for modern American history textbooks and is disappointed when no one pipes up with tales of Nazi intrigue or even stories about walking uphill to school in six-foot snowdrifts in summer. Doesn’t go over so well with our ladies. (Nor does Brian’s telling them they stink, never a good move.)

As vengeance for the awkward conversation they’ve endured, the ladies are asked to ink out their favorite contestant on a Bingo card and, lest you forget, the winner will receive one of Mystery’s finest accessories.

Matt is named the winner of the challenge and adorably declares that should there ever be a Pickup Artist show for the over-60 set, he’s the man. Shh-shh-shhh baby, don’t you worry, Matt’s here and he’ll change the tennis balls on your walker.

Later that day, Mystery comes over for the guys’ first real lesson but, wait, what’s this? Last week I was hell-bent on figuring out what the text during the show opener said (tribal. . something. . . mental. . . I’m still working on it), this week I spot something even more magical, chalkboard poetry!

Yesterday ends history
Today we start anew
With the help of Mystery
Our moxie and a crew

Thank you, chalkboard poet, for your clear, legible printing. Moving on.

The lesson (or as Simeon hyperbolizes, the secrets of the universe) involves the guys trying out their indirect openers and negs on each other. From here on out, the episode becomes The Brian Show. Brian explains that a neg is any phrase that begins with “LADY!” and includes telling girls “Stop eye-f***ing me!” or “Pull my finger” – but that one is only to be used sparingly and only on really drunk girls. Is there anything this guy won’t say out loud?

Mystery takes Matt aside for his Reward Challenge prize, and Matt is told to reach into the Scrabble Bag of Love to pull out his winning accessory.

Out comes a boa that was obviously skinned from the same animal that lost its life to make Mystery’s fuzzy top hat. This is to be used as a conversation piece or physical restraint, whichever is more necessary in the field. The guys head to their field test on the Bus of Destiny which quickly becomes the Bus of Excellent Drivers. With all the rehearsing of their openers, the guys resembled a batch of club-hopping Rain Men.

Matt heads into the club with boa a-blazin’ but loses his set and walks out of the club mission unaccomplished. When Rian, Greg and Simeon all get shot down too, the Surveillance Truck of Watching and Learning fills with Tara’s rage when, in defense of our guys, she screams “There’s some bitches up in the club!” and Matador and Mystery concur that indeed, it’s hard out here for a pimp.

Enter Brian, sweet, no-filter Brian, who opens sets and introduces himself to everyone, while also randomly spouting “I like pickle juice!” and Borat impressions which make the girls swoon. Mystery, Matador and Tara cheer for Brian and it’s clear, he owns the challenge.

Finally, Kevin explains that before entering the club, he just puked and swallowed it. Last week he had swamp ass. I feel bad for his uncontrollable bodily functions and feel the need to reassure him that our gender is not worth all this suffering. He can’t seem to maintain the attention of any sets, owing to his liberal use of the F-word and not acknowledging the men he meets, and he walks out defeated.

Mystery and his gang emerge from the truck and he announces that one young suitor was head an shoulders above the rest and crowns Brian this weeks winner. Brian, along with two wingmen of his choosing, will get immunity and this sends him into a tailspin. These guys, he explains, “Are family…They’re like a hair on my butt.” How can he possibly be expected to choose his two favorite butt hairs? This leads to serious agonizing for Brian as well as off-screen vomiting, but this guy can boot and rally. He pukes and comes right back to giving his interview. What was that poem again? Today we start anew…with moxie and a crew? I think the poor crew just had to clean up some of Brian’s moxie.

Mystery reveals seven charms within the Coffee Table of Medallions and asks Brian who his wingmen will be. Brian chooses Greg and Todd. Mystery assigns the rest of the medallions. Kevin, because of his cursing and repetitive opener, is phased out. “Would you guys date a guy named Herman?” proves not to be a winning line, but now the real question is would you guys date a guy named Kevin?

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