Rock Of Love Charm School Recap – Episode 2 – Group Hex


In this episode…

…evil gets an upgrade!

We open extremely and mercilessly close.

Here, I thought Angelique’s lips couldn’t be more fascinating and then a camera angle proved me wrong. This show has something to everyone, not just its students.

Did you know that that was possible? I didn’t. Did you know that it was possible to be flanked by so much pink without throwing up? News to me! I’m not sure if I’m feeling myself growing smarter or if my brain is shriveling or what, but something intense is going on inside.

Outside, there is plotting.

Dallas is Lacey’s public enemy No. 1, and she wonders if she can dig up a way to mess with her anonymously. Lacey sort of mulls the idea out loud, reasoning that this may take the fun out of the sport of messing. Megan, who holds multiple medals in events such as standing-broad connive and shot put-bitches-in-their-place, knowingly points out that it doesn’t take all the fun out. What’s hostile is worth doing, you know? Lacey moves on to other girls who need to be taken out. “Who else do you think is undeserving to be here?” she asks. “Besides everybody?” Brandi C., shoots back. Her words always make the impossible happen! The girls decide they’ll focus on targeting Brandi M., and Heather for no real reason. But who needs a reason when you’ve got an abundance of bitchiness?

The girls congregate around the pool to hear some details on the day’s challenge.

Brandi M., looks like Chow Daddy. As usual! If whatever it is she’s pursuing doesn’t work out, she should really look into shilling school lunches to Boston-area children. I hope she’s boning up on African dance!

The Sharon Mail says something vague about spending time at the beach. Brandi C., who at this moment is the human equivalent of a Kool-Aid mustache, is all…

…”Oh yeah!”

The girls are given outfits, which many of them enjoy.

Oooh, and they’re pink!

They make it to the beach and spend some time drinking from hollowed-out pineapples.

But their day of fun in the sun in long-sleeved-shirts (WTF?) is cut short by a man who introduces himself by saying, “Welcome, tarts!”

You may remember him from the first episode of the last Charm School. Apparently, he’s a big fan of Rock of Love because he knows exactly how to address them. Anyway, today’s commandment is…

…which means that today’s challenge is going to be all about teamwork. Physical teamwork. Physical teamwork that can in no way be mistaken for an orgy. We’re in virgin territory here…for the first time.

Jones has the girls march while sounding off kind of hilariously.

I need charm and I need class…/’Cause Bret Michaels dumped my ass…” It’s funny because it’s true…and so damn unfortunate.

He has them do push-ups, and at some point early on, Dallas’ hat flies off, which means she has to sit down.

It’s all very arbitrary and extremely whatever since who wants to be doing push-ups with all that silicone to contend with, anyway? Sgt. Jones is kind of a jerk, too, as we find out when he calls Brandi C., out for having a hard time with the push-ups because she’s “chunky.”

It’s so great that they have guests on this show to teach these women the importance of self-worth. Good thing Brandi already has it, as she explains that instead of being fat, she is curvy and admired for it. Jones is just jealous that he couldn’t get Bret Michaels to so much as consider his ass, let alone dump it.

The next challenge is a beanbag toss. It has to go down the line, from one girl to the next…


…otherwise, whomever drops it has to run it back to the front of the line and the whole chain has to start again. This, you can imagine, makes for riveting television.

It’s fairly amusing that Dallas is standing on the receiving end of Lacey’s bean bag/malice. Lacey throws the bag at her head and makes it otherwise difficult to complete the task.

For missing too much, Dallas is made to sit.

Megan, too, repeatedly screws up and she takes her sweet time running the bag up to the front. But at least we get exposed nipple (however censored) in the process.

We cut to Heather bitching in an interview that…

We’ve got Megan and Brandi and some prissy girls that think they’re too good. They just want to show their boobs and, y’know, we all got fake t**s in this house. Put a shirt on and let’s get down to business.” Again, it’s funny because it’s true, but this particular declaration has the distinction of also being funny…

…because it’s hypocritical.

Anyway, Brandi C., eventually gets told to sit down, too and she cries.

Oh well, at least her tears are making possible the wet-sand needed for the castle she and Dallas so clearly want to build, per the way they’re positioned.

Then comes the final challenge, in which the girls are being made to pull a sled. Without prompting, Jones tells Megan to sit and be pulled.

Perhaps this is something to poke the embers of hatred and competition in the hearts of a cast full of Megan adversaries, but seriously, all it comes off as is institutionalized superiority. At the best, it’s suggesting that the not-Megans are reindeer…

…at worst: dogs. At one point, they all stop and struggle and Jones asks if anyone would like to join Megan. Well, duh, Brandi would, especially since she figures that as Megan’s best friend, she has rights to that sled as well.

“Hell yeah, that’s my place!” Brandi C., interviews. Sitting the right hand of the master manipulator? Does that make Brandi C., the Jesusmanipulator?

The challenge ends with a, “F*** you, bitches!” from Brandi M.

And that’s the extent of Brandi C., and Megan’s punishment. Gee, harsh. I thought it would at least involve some interpretive dancing about short-order cooking.

Back at home, Sharon Mail informs the girls that the next day’s challenge will involve teamwork and they should split themselves into two teams of six.

Immediately, Brandi C., commands Jessica to work with her, Megan and Lacey. Poor, meek Jessica never stood a chance.

Later, an awesome bitchfest breaks out over the day’s events. Brandi C., talks about how tiring the challenge was, and Brandi M., scoffs this since, you know, riding in a sled isn’t really tiring at all. They go back and forth and Brandi C., apologizes for not having muscles.

No, really, it’s OK, Brandi C.

Megan lounges and calls Brandi M., “disgustingly trailer-park.

As opposed to, I don’t know, attractively trailer-park. Lacey’s all, “Yeah, she’s really trailer park. She’s really, really trailer park,” with the laid-back conviction generally reserved for discussing another bitch’s natural hair color in environments like this. Brandi M., takes issue with being called trailer trash, since she grew up in the suburbs. However…

…her airbrushed wife-beater is doing nothing to help her case.

But then again, those who are doing all the trailer-park accusing…

…are eating off the floor, using towels as place mats. This is what Brandi C., deems a “dinner excursion.” Let me guess: the coffee table is strewn with empty Colt 45s and Misty 120s butts.

Brandi M., also makes mention of Megan’s “thunder thighs,” which would be a detail not even worth relaying (since, duh, these girls insult each other’s weight, especially Megan, who’s already called everyone “fat”) were it not for a) the fact that it becomes a major plot point (spoiler!) and b) the fact that it’s accompanied by this awesomeness in motion:

It’s so on…and it’s amazing!

Later, Megan and Brandi C., try to sleep and Brandi M., decides to throw a party in their room.

The party involves making fun of Brandi C.’s ruby slippers, general derision and defacing of property.

It’s funny ’cause it’s childish! And, per actual online documentation and I Love Money OTFs, true in Brandi C.’s case.

It’s morning!

…and Heather obviously wishes that it weren’t. She’s got the right idea, though: when the camera’s on you and you haven’t put on your makeup yet and are to bleary to find your sunglasses, hide your face at all costs.

Brandi C., takes a look at Brandi M.’s work.

Beautiful, darling! Beautiful!” she says, in the most bwah-ha-ha-ha way possible, just in case you’ve forgotten that you’re watching a soap opera.

Challenge time!

The girls are introduced to Daniella’s rock-star hubby, Gilby Clarke, and are told that today, they’ll be assembling fake stages and green rooms, the likes of which Gilby would use during life on the road.

How much you wanna bet that “good porn” refers to fare like Oui and Club, not kid stuff like Playboy?

Here’s a sampling of the materials they have to work with:

It should be noted that there’s a precise process detailed (right down to the lamp panties), so this challenge amounts to building a giant useless model and not having to invent one, lest you think anyone’s creativity is being challenged.

The teams are as follows:

Destiney is full of woe for having to work with the previous day’s weakest links and Lacey (the barbed link, if you will). Destiney’s worst fears are almost immediately realized when Lacey starts aggressively yammering as they’re getting started, “Will you please let me be in charge a little bit?” Since when does she ask?

Still, the team which might otherwise be dubbed the Gaffe Factory actually has its stuff together.

Gilby praises the ingenuity of moving water via a wheeled amp and calls this a “roadie move.” Fun fact: in a bit that ended up on the cutting-room floor, Sharon told the girls when she first addressed them that they were looking to turn out a “woman of self-worth…who also happens to be a roadie.” This bottled irrigation is a complete and utter virtue.

Megan is generally proactive.

It’s pretty amazing. I would have thought that if she had to carry anything heavier than Lily, her arms would snap off.


…Angelique has a hard time understanding the instructions because she’s French. Later, everyone scoffs at this, but uh, have they bothered to listen to her talk for, like, a second? Her laundry list of linguistic shortcomings might as well be tattooed on her lips (and there’d be room for it and everything).

As Megan sets up the green room, she gets to the part that requires a pair of panties for the lamp.

Destiney, take off your panties!” she shouts, only to find that Destiney isn’t wearing panties today. I love it when that happens. Megan then commands Brandi C., to give the goods and lo and behold…

…she is wearing panties! Though she doesn’t seem to have any real attachment to them.

We are left to assume that Megan didn’t take the panty initiative on herself because of some illusion of daintiness, although the manner in which she secures the panties to the lamp…

…is with such precision that it bespeaks years of technique perfection.

While their team is close to done, the other team is lagging…

Let’s check in with Frenchie.

Yep. Still a f***-up.

Finally, Lacey’s team finishes and all that’s left is for Gilby to turn on and unleash his guitar-spun power…

…except that’s not all. Lacey, being full of sadism and extraness decides to hop on the drums and bang along as Gilby plays.

She never catches up to him rhythmically. You the the feeling that she would have stayed there all day and tried in vain, too. You know, there’s something to be said for mystique when it comes to budding rock-stardom.

Anyway, since their team won, Megan, Brandi C., Lacey, Destiney, Jessica and Kristy Joe are safe from elimination tonight. Megan breaks the situation down thusly:

So now one of the girls from the other team is gonna get expelled tonight. And I hope that it’s Brandi M., or Heather, but it will probably be one of the other, fatter girls.” I know that quote is pretty horrible and, at the least, unsisterly, but it’s also a bit softer than usual. She just inadvertently complimented Heather and Brandi M., on their size. Is Megan losing her edge?

At home, nonfat Heather talks to Dallas about what went down today, as if she wasn’t there to watch it.

Dallas talks about Angelique’s incompetence. And then to prove that speak of the devil and she appears rocking some crazy extensions on her hair and mouth, Angelique comes skipping up. Heather explains that they’re reflecting on the day, but in interrupted by Angelique’s assertion that…

It’s worth pointing out (again) that they’re about to fight about Angelique’s grasp on English, as if there’s any indication that it isn’t limp and waning. When called out for under-performing and perhaps overstating her ESL-ness, Angelique launches into a tirade. Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version:

At least she tries to fill in the spaces that her English fails with extreme facial expressiveness, you know?

There’s one more thing that happens before elimination:

Brandi C., and Megan visit Sharon during her office hours.

Brandi C., shows Sharon Brandi M.’s handiwork. Sharon points out that there’s a “large testicle” drawn next to Brandi C.’s mouth. Really? It seemed protruding in the blurred shot above. That’s an awfully erect testicle to be jutting at her like that. It’s not so much a teabag as a stirrer. There’s some back-and-forth regarding who got it worse: which would you rather have on your face — balls or pentacles and whited-out eyes? For many of us, the answer is simple. For Brandi C., and Megan, it is a point of debate.

Megan also goes into Brandi M.’s thunder-thighs comment, describing its effect on her in the most breathy way possible so as to inadvertently prove that she’s just blowing hot air…

It…like…that…I can’t even hear that…from somebody standing…next to me.

Sharon, rather drolly notes that this was something of a revelation, as she didn’t know that Megan possessed tear ducts in the first place.

She asks if Megan eats and Megan says she eats healthy things “like chicken.” It’s unclear as to whether Megan means that she eats things like chicken or that she eats like a chicken. Little from Column A, little from Column B most likely. Also?

She calls this the performance of her life. Considering that she fooled no one, I’d recommend that Megan not quit her day job…if she had one, that is.

Elimination! The Bottom 3 are Brandi M., Angelique and Dallas.

Sharon chastises Brandi M., on drawing a “willy” on Brandi C.’s face. I’m glad Sharon has finally sorted out her male genitalia. As a mother of two, it’s important for her to reach that point. At first, Brandi M., is all, “I didn’t do that.”

But then Sharon shows her the picture…

…and Brandi’s like, “Oh, yes I did.” So she actually needed to see her work to know it was hers? I guess when you’re such a prolific artist, every masterpiece starts to blend together.

Riki speaks up in Brandi M.’s defense, describing Megan and Brandi C.’s poor showing at that military-style challenge. “I thought my legs were going to break!” is her defense.

She and Riki go back and forth until Sharon tells her to shut up before she gets pissed off. For some reason, Brandi C., takes this extremely hard.

At least her make-up isn’t running all over the place like a drunk blonde.

When it’s time for Frenchie to plead her case, she, too, gets into it with Riki, whom she eventually decrees must wash his hair.

As opposed to her, who looks as if she didn’t wash it for 50.

Dallas on the other hand has an attitude. In mocking it Sharon makes us realize that…

…no one on the corner’s got swagger like her. Swagger like her. Swagger swagger like her.

Finally, it’s time to make the cut. Sorry, Frenchie. You live in your own world, “Franceland,” as Sharon puts it. That sounds like a mixture of France and Tomorrowland. Last one on Baguette Mountain gets sacre bleu in the bathroom!

Sharon polls her team and with the exception of Heather, Frenchie’s voted out.

Not that she cares or anything!

I’m not gonna stop streeping anytime soon. I love it! I’m proud of it!” she shouts upon exiting. She should probably reconsider, if only because she’s never looked better than when sporting a massive croissant across her bosom. It just goes to show that as long as it’s French, it’s classy.

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Rock of Love Charm School show page
Charm School videos and extras

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