Scream Queens Recap - Episode 1 - You Wanna Be On Saw?

Yes, it’s Scream Queens, the reality competition in search of a Saw VI starlet, or as we like to call her, America’s Next Top Masochist.

In short, there are two things you need to know about this show. This…

…and this…

These girls didn’t need to go wild; they arrived that way.

The girls who are dying to be killed on screen meet those who hold their fate:

That’s hard-ass acting coach John Homa, Saw I-III star Shawnee Smith and the director of the awesome Dawn of the Dead remake and the even more awesome Slither, James Gunn.

Unfortunately, they do not meet the man they hope to call boss:

Hopefully, they’ll be lucky enough to to meet their end at his hands. Erm, make that his puppet master’s hands, whomever that may be now that Jigsaw’s dead. Erm, better make that, her own hands, since that’s the whole point of the Saw deaths, unless we’re talking Saw III, in which people weren’t able to “MAKE YOUR CHOICE” thanks to bogus traps set by Amanda, who wasn’t willing to mimic Jigsaw’s slavishness to “fairness.” Spoiler?

Whatever.

We meet some of the girls.

Jessica proclaims that she has the “innocent girl-next-door-that’s-going-to-kill-you-in-your-sleep” type of look. It seems that the latter part of that designation describes not a look but a mindset. Anything you’d like to share with us, Jess?

Marissa is classically trained. Hoity toity, aren’t we, now?

Jo-Anne came to Hollywood five years ago, and she’s anxious for something to happen regarding her career because, according to her, she’s getting old. Aw, Jo. You’re not getting old; Hollywood’s just getting young. Try telling yourself that. It does wonders for the worry lines!

Linsay is a former child star:

Note that those quotation marks are designated for the word “star.” It’s rare that something celestial is that down-to-earth.

Tanedra has zero acting experience, while Lina on the other hand…

…at least has a resume.

Saw VI (2009)…Dead Girl would look soooo hot on that thing.

Shawnee has collected the girls in a room and addresses them stoically enough that it reads like a reality show version of Amanda on serious stabilizing meds.

She compares horror acting to punk rock, and says that participation in the genre requires them to throw their balls to the wall. There’s a reason they should do this with their balls and not their ovaries: eggs break. Shawnee adds, “One of you will become a star. The rest of you will be cut from the competition, one-by-one and go back to waiting tables and open casting calls and dreaming about your big break instead of living it.” Ha! Get a load of Shawnee de Sade! OK, so she is Amanda.

Amanda introduces the girls to their “first scene partner”:

They scream and run around in the exact fashion you’d hope. This first challenge will find them improving a scene, in which they must plead for their lives and convince the slasher composite not to kill them.

There’s a lot of that.

Michelle goes the heartstring-and-vas-deferens-tugging route when she tells the killer that she’s pregnant with his child.

…there’s not a lot of that. Although, speaking of wielding sexuality…

…Kylah’s showing (”What are you gonna do without me?” she purrs) has the effect of a tourniquet on a penis.

Tanedra does some selfish-unselfish pleading (”I have a baby girl!”) and attempts to appeal to the man behind the mask (”This is not you!”) sorta like Catherine Martin at the bottom of the well, talking to Buffalo Bill. Tanedra’s showing is fantastic and effortless, bespeaking an inexperienced rawness in the best possible way.

Lina…

…laughs…? Tanedra says it best when she describes Lina as “floppin’ around like a fish out of water.” I’d just replace the “water” with “vodka.”

And just in case you thought no one could out-crazy her…

…Jessica and her finger are here to prove you wrong.

Sarah also…

…whines and stuff.

In the end, the judges agree that they all suck. Ha! They’re going to have fun torturing these girls, you can already tell. However, Tanedra sucked the least so she wins and gets immunity from this week’s elimination.

The next day finds John Homa visiting the girls for an acting lesson. The lesson is simple: seductively eat a piece of fruit. Many of these girls opt for a showing that suggests meat-eating, instead.

Tanedra gives Sarah an awesome side-eye in response to her turn, which is straight-up Erica Gavin.

Again, they all suck. Oh well, at least this time sucking is what many of them were going for. “I ask for a simple seduction! I get a bunch of girls having sex with fruit!” fumes Homa. Dudes all over the country would kill to have that problem, you know? Lina gives him some lip back and Homa retorts, “You’re the one giving a banana a b***j**, not me.” He’s probably just scared he’d enjoy it.

He has the girls redo the seduction in a less X-rated fashion. He tells them that now he wants to see them go from seductive to scared.

By and large, it seems that Homa approves of the revised showings, even though many of them are still orgasm-esque. Again, with the sadism.

Kylah decides to illustrate her fear with something you don’t normally see unless some one’s on the receiving end of the Heimlich maneuver: a grape spittake. Homa says in response, “Good idea, but guess what? It’s gross.” Meh, it’s a horror movie. The audience will deal.

Kylah retakes and cries on command, which is pretty damn impressive.

The lesson ends. As if they aren’t sick of it by now, the girls enter some room in the house that contains a food spread. When one of the platters is opened, it reveals…

Snakes! Real ones, too! The girls scatter and scamper in response. I guess there’s going to be a lot of that in this show? Anyway, the Shawnee Mail tells them to meet in the den, where she goes over their first Director’s Challenge. They’ll read a scene from Slither, which will find them in a tub and confronted by a between-the-legs snake. Since they’ll be bathing, they will also be nude. They have options to cope:

Nude swimwear.

So-called “modesty patches,” which are worth wearing just to get to say the name. The girls could alternately go totally naked. No really, the film crew won’t mind.

The girls go over their script. Some take to it in a completely organic, nay natural, way…

Others, like Jessica (or actually, from what we see, only Jessica), are outraged over the way that they’re being asked to exploit themselves.

A series of increasingly tighter shots illustrates Jessica’s elevating rage.

Whatever. Life (and near-death) goes on. The girls arrive at the set of their challenge.

Sarah sets the bar high.

Jo-Ann is dispassionate, according to James.

And Kylah does a series of short-controlled breaths to suggest lamaze.

Perhaps she has found a new way of passing that grape.

For Jessica’s turn…

…she walks onto set boobs-out, which seems to surprise people, not only because of her incessant complaining, but also because it seems that no one else did so. The closet freaks always put up the biggest fight!

The challenge ends. At home, the girls find a list hanging from a meat hook.

It’s from Shawnee and it summons five of the girls to meet in the ballroom at the stroke of midnight. Ooh, witching hour! Those girls are: Jo-Ann, Michelle, Sarah, Kyla and Jessica. Michelle raves like a backwoods lunatic about the possibility of being considered one of the five worst for this week. Tell it to the snake, girl.

They all congregate…

Michelle and Sarah are called up to the front. It turns out that these rounds are being done Project Runway style, with the best and worst girls summoned. Michelle and Sarah comprise the Top 2, and all of Michelle’s bitching was, well, fruitless. There can only be one Leading Lady, and it’s Sarah.

The rest of the girls fill out the Bottom 3.

Jessica has a nervous energy, but she and her occasionally exposed nipples are staying. Kylah is hot but off-putting. Jo-Ann is holding back and unable to perform. Hot wins out over cold feet, and Jo-Ann is sent home, a little older, but none the wiser.

The last shot we see is of an axe crashing through Jo-Ann’s picture.

As Jigsaw constantly invents new methods of torture, so does this show invent new methods of sensitivity.

Related content
Scream Queens show page
Scream Queens videos
Horror Hotties (a photo gallery of fright-flick actresses)

This entry was posted on Monday, October 20th, 2008 at 10:55 pm