Last week in the Pick Up Artist, Karl beat Kevin by an inch and hung tight. “I can’t be in the final two again,” he says at that start of Sunday’s show, “Coming that close to elimination has really lit a fire under my ass.”Must have been a small fire; Karl couldn’t step up his game and he got the boot after a weak showing in the field. The week couldn’t have been better for Greg, though. He won the reward challenge, the field test and a compliment of the highest order from one of his lady friends. . .
Mystery invites the guys to a doctor’s office for their reward challenge and explains that when approaching a woman, a man’s “body can potentially cause some problems – sweaty palms, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat.” Oh man, this challenge was so Kevin, it’s too bad he’s not there for it – that guy was a bundle of involuntary swamp ass (his words not mine!) and inopportune mouth-vomit. This “bio-feedback” could affect their game but can be controlled.Mystery introduces a doctor who studies this kind of behavior and who has a very scientific machine that tracks their physical responses to sexy nurses.
The doctor advises them that the way to control their nerves is to regulate breathing and warm their hands. Enter Nurse Samantha, who makes it impossible for the guys to control any bodily function and may be the only nurse to make her patients feel worse while tending to them. I’ll give her points for her extra-friendly bedside manner, though. Matt is the first patient, and when Samantha starts to disrobe, his breathing gets wild and he stares blankly at her or becomes mesmerized by boobs. It’s hard to tell: he’s focused on his Lamaze breathing.
Meanwhile, the waiting room where the rest of the guys are, the air is thick with anticipation. There’s pacing, there’s nail-biting, Simeon is doing yoga to control his hyperactivity.
When it’s Brian’s turn, he explains that he controls himself by shutting his eyes to imagine that Samantha had a dog face with whiskers. Just what a sexy nurse wants to hear, right?
In fact most of the guys will themselves to look away or go for the sleepy-eyed look – moves I’m not sure would work in real life. If you approached a girl looking as chilled-out and eye-averting as this bunch, I’d ask you where you buy your pot and if you’re okay to drive.
Greg and Todd both seem happy and relaxed, and Todd’s electrodes were so mellow that they kept popping off his head.
Because of his controlled breathing and, we assume, warm hands, Greg is named the winner of the reward challenge. As a result, he’ll get to spend the night in the surveillance truck with Mystery, observing the other guys on hidden camera, a definite advantage since he’ll learn from their mistakes. Back at the house, the guys discuss the fact that their biggest fear of the day was, to put it indelicately, having a visible boner. “The reward challenge was not to go camping; we didn’t need to pitch a tent,” Matt tells the guys. “I was like, don’t smile, otherwise you’ll give me a hard wiener,” Brian says, explaining his strategy with Samantha.
Mystery, Matador and Tara stop by the house for a lesson in body language so that, one hopes, these guys will never have to fear the wiener again. And who should show up to help out with this lesson but last season’s Master Pickup Artist, Kosmo! Whose medallion actually glows!
Kosmo has been busy traveling the world and teaching other men how to approach women. The guys this season are immediately smitten with him – he’s the reason they signed on for the show and they want to live a life like his. They break into groups to learn some key moves, like the over-the-shoulder and the body rock, but then they find out that leaning into a conversation is bad strategy. As the guys prepare to go out that night, Kosmo reassures them that “Women are human. Can you believe women are going to die one day just like you?” Come on, Kosmo, don’t go spilling all our secrets. Mortality is just the tip of the iceberg, everyone. I can say no more.
Out in the field, the guys will be judged on how well they use their body language and their ability to bring a girl to an isolated location. While Todd successfully works a set of girls into his VIP booth, the rest of the guys have a harder time. Karl starts to flail in the field and eventually asks a two-set, “Would you girls ever date a guy in a wheelchair? What if it was brand-new wheelchair with power locks and air conditioning?” You can see he’s lost his mojo, and Mystery is bewildered. “I don’t know what happened there. He initiated the chat but didn’t reach their spirit!” Um, ya think? Air conditioned wheelchair jokes have never made my soul flutter, I think we need to work on Karl’s material.
Greg, who had been watching the monitor in the truck the whole time, heads out into the field (by the way, can we discuss the fact that the descriptions these guys are given when they walk in the club keep getting better and better – Greg “has nervous nostrils”, Karl “has only seen boobs on TV,” Rian “sleeps with teddy bear” – hilarious) with a definite advantage.
Greg manages to get his set to agree to join him in the VIP section and tells the girls how he donated his long hair to Locks of Love, at which point one of the girls in his set is all “Oh my God, hair giver!” and I worry that the show will never again provide a compliment quite like that. It’s all downhill after “hair giver.”
After the field test is complete, Mystery lauds the group dressed as an extra from Shakespeare in Love.
Greg is chosen as the winner in spite of his nervous nostrils, and picks Matt and Brian as his wingmen. Greg tells Mystery he chose Brian because “He lifts everybody up, how could you not love this guy?” I wonder if he means that literally, because Brian really does lift everyone up in the club. They receive yellow medallions, which represent cleansing. I don’t know how it always comes back to Coming to America, but cleansing in this context makes me fondly chuckle thinking of “the royal penis is clean, your Highness,” and I don’t think the guys can makethathappen till at least episode 6. . .
Mystery however, doesn’t approve of Greg’s choice of Matt as wingman and if Mystery had things his way, Matt would be the one going home this week. But he’s Matt! He may not have Lauren Hutton teeth anymore, but we still have a soft spot for the guy! Alas, Matt is safe, as are Simeon, Rian and Todd. Poor Karl foreshadowed his own demise throughout the episode and ultimately, he received the fuzzy farewell montage this week.