In this episode, some of the girls get makeovers, but only one looks head-and-shoulders better than the rest:
Bret Michaels, eat your heart out!
As the episode begins, so do the girls begin their day.
Remember how Brandi M., said she looked like a drunken pirate when reviewing her bad-girl material on this show’s first episode? Yeah. Still room for improvement.
Meanwhile, Megan, Brandi C., and Lacey connive as usual. They’re unhappy that Frenchie went home, but glad that Brandi M., placed in the Bottom 3, as that planted an elimination seed that can now “sprout into a big, Brandi bitch flower,” says Lacey.
What a metaphor! Her command of the English language suggests a drunken…poet?
The girls are gathered and told to dress in their favorite outfits in advance of today’s teach. Brandi C., opts for a “leopard-printed, lingerie-type skirt and top,” Megan chooses a bikini and they both squeeze Lily into the hotness seen at the top of this post.
For many of these girls, of course, it’s just business as usual.
Especially if your “business” involves amassing a wad of ones.
Today’s commandment is:
And the teacher is:
Melissa is here to teach the girls how to dress appropriately. Or at least, she’s here to suggest certain ideas that the girls maybe haven’t considered. Ideas like bras, for example.
But not like that. Brandi C., likes this outfit because it makes her feel like a tiger. Leopard print: perfect for that senior-citizen-on-Viagra spunk! Brandi has worn this outfit out, which surprises many people but not me. Per the supertrailer (but not the episode, which: WTF?), she wouldn’t wear it to McDonalds. She’s too classy for that.
Rodeo’s called up and the anticipatory sense of pain from her peers’ scrutiny is immediately apparent:
Melissa polls the girls. Lacey thinks Rodeo looks like a country bumpkin. What, no horticultural imagery, Lace? Not even a melon-patch joke? Megan thinks Rodeo looks like the Crocodile Hunter. Zzzzzz. Step it up, Megan. “Alligator bag” is bitchier.
In this dress, Heather reveals more than just her implants: she says that this get-up telegraphs “sexy” to men. Megan, on the other hand, thinks that it looks “has-been.” See, there’s the kind of half-thought-out bitchiness I’ve come to expect. The girl’s still got it!
Megan describes her outfit as…
…”sporty.” Laugh now, but when she’s a trophy wife later, it’ll all make sense. Megan reveals that she would wear a bikini to “a nice lunch.” Given that her and Brandi C.’s idea of a “dinner excursion” involved eating on the floor using towels as placemats, it’s totally conceivable that lunching in a bikini could mark an elevation in taste level.
Melissa explains to the girls some basic tenants tenets of her fashion philosophy: there is a difference between Sunset chic and Sunset stripper, for example. The fact that the main difference is better plastic surgery (new face, anyone?) goes unmentioned. Key pieces are better than trendy pieces. In other words, some things are temporary, but clear heels are forever. Accessories should be balanced to match the simplicity of an outfit or lack thereof. Now, do pasties count as accessories or garments?
Do you mind if we check in with Lily for a second?
Thanks. I needed that palate-cleansing.
For today’s challenge, three girls will be made over. The group collectively decides to have those girls be Heather, Brandi C., and Megan.
They then choose teams, gym-class style. Heather calls on Jessica, Dallas and Destiney. Brandi C., gets Inna, Kristy Joe and Brandi M. Megan ends up with Lacey and, inexplicably Rodeo. Rodeo says, “Yeah, she hates me. But she knows that I am a lady and I have style and I have class.” So yeah, like I said: inexplicable.
Each team will be given $300 to spend at It’s a Wrap, a thrift-store type deal that specializes in clothes worn in Hollywood productions. They’ll need to assemble looks for three different occasions:
As the girls skip out, we get a peak into some of their lesson that ended up on the cutting-room floor, chiefly:
My favorite is, “Dude, Look Like a Lady.” I think that’s a good thing to keep in mind no matter where you go or what genitalia you rock.
The girls arrive at the store and there is strife.
Megan hates everything her team picks out for her, probably because it’s old and used and ageism runs deep.
Brandi C., on the other hand, is very easy to work with when she’s divorced from Megan. Too bad being easy isn’t fun. Not in this way, at least.
Heather wonders aloud if what she’s wearing is classy. If you have to ask…
But really, the outfit-selection process goes by pretty smoothly, Megan’s teeth-sucking aside.
The check-out line, however, is a different story.
Megan notices that her team is lacking in accessories and time, so she decides to pull Rodeo’s bracelet off and put it in their bag, as if they bought it. Although probably if you ask Rodeo, Megan was just taken with the bracelet’s style and class.
Midway through this scheme, Megan realizes how stupid it is, so she stops and gives Rodeo back her bracelet. That’s that, right?
Not even by half. Complicating the matter is that Brandi M., is watching it with the gaze of an asthmatic kid watching his classmates on the baseball diamond through a fence. Where’s Superman when you need him?
So later at home, Brandi M., is able to get Rodeo all riled up about this…
…for a pointless confrontation…
…that doesn’t even satiate Rodeo’s hunger for drama. But then, if rejection from Bret Michaels, barbecue sauce shilling, Rodeo’s Rise-n-Shine Oatmeal Pancakes endorsing, apathetic horse beckoning and crying about your bank account on national TV couldn’t, a little “Get over it, since it’s over” speech from Megan isn’t likely to do much good. Rodeo mad…again!
But at least we get these wonderful shots of Rodeo blowing off steam:
After all, you can’t have stress relief without the stress!
It’s the day of the show and the girls are assembled to start getting ready. However, Sharon is here to introduce them to a major theme in rock and roll and Showgirls, alike: s*** happens. Riki gathers up all the clothes they purchased.
And already, his manhandling of these garments is too much for some of these girls to bear.
As he’s jostling the fashions, Kristy Joe advises to her teammates, “You guys, just be calm.” She says it to them like she’s on a hijacked plane because OMG, Riki is hijacking their fashion!
And he really is terrorizing it.
In the end, this is what the girls have to work with:
This is so Book of Genesis. Why is Sharon such an angry god?
The girls have an hour and a table full of, like, pins, pens and stain stick to sort themselves out.
But they’re going to need some strength!
Brandi M., makes the best of the resources she’s given, edible and otherwise, washing jeans out in the chlorinated pool and hoping for the best.
Just like mom used to!
Helping judge today’s show will be reality TV vet…
If Project Runway aired on VH1, Jeffrey would so be attending Charm School right now. Where cattiness and under-bus throwing and not being here to make friends are concerned, Jeffrey is in his element. OK, let’s start the show!
First up is the interview attire. Heather looks like a funeral crasher.
Megan’s shirt can’t help but wrap itself around her. I bet it thinks she’s as hot as she does.
I would so hire this woman to tie my ties. She’s done a bang-up job on her own.
Next, we have the cocktail party looks.
More like rocktail! Heather wears pleather pants. If only everyone would coordinate their clothes to rhyme with their names! Megan could wear some sort of pagan crap (she’s already had a pentacle on her forehead, so it wouldn’t be a stretch). Or perhaps leggin’s. Brandi could wear Candie’s. Whatever, I’m sure she already does.
Jeffrey notes the spots on Megan’s dress. In the same desperate manner with which Rodeo does…oh, everything in the last episode of any given show that she’s appearing on, she says, “Megan really likes this dress…” as though Megan is a retarded child who a) can’t be reasoned with and therefore had to wear it and b) should be given a pass for her unpredictable choices. Megan starts to silently protest and Rodeo’s like, “No! You like it!” Hey Rodeo, everyone can see you times a million, since you’re being filmed! And really, what’s Rodeo’s motivation here? Explaining away the soil? Throwing Megan under the bus? It seems like an ineffective way to accomplish either. As a result, the back wheel of Rodeo’s bus is caught in the soil and no amount of gas is going to get it out. The hot air she’s blowing proves it.
All things considered, Brandi C., just looks straight-up fantastic.
Finally, there’s the parents-meeting attire:
Note to all: please do not try to out-square your potential mother-in-law. She’ll get competitive and you’ll end up looking like a shown-up doily. Daniella takes issue with this outfit that couldn’t be less Heather if it had daisies appliquéd on it. She’s like, “Really? Would you really wear this? Seriously?”
Heather says she would because she’s enjoying this conservative look. Less Nancy more Sarah, Heather.
Look! Even she can’t believe it!
After Megan’s stomp…
…she reveals that this was the dress she picked out. “No it’s not,” counters Rodeo for absolutely no logical reason. Now Rodeo’s bus has turned into a dragon and it’s blowing smoke up everyone’s ass.
Finally, there is Brandi C.
She is clearly the most upgraded. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to win! Not by a longshot. Sadly!
During group evaluations, Sharon asks Megan’s group what the hell is going on.
Rodeo, in her third and most graphic instance of unnecessary information, explains the bracelet incident.
Megan and Lacey explain its irrelevance. Daniella cross-examines Rodeo, asking if the bracelet was used in the show. Rodeo replies, “No…but I…the thought…” Is she trying to say, “It’s the thought that counts”? Add “against you” and now we’re talking.
Rodeo explains that in the face of Megan’s wishy-washy bracelet thievery, “Normally, I would have walked away, but you said that you do not respect a quitter. And I’m not a quitter.” But see, if your impulse is to walk away, then you are a quitter. Either launch a line a syrup or stop waffling, Rodeo!
Sharon asks the girls what she thinks Jeffrey think of this bickering.
He’s probably thinking, “I’d love to insult all their mothers!”
We get incredible interview footage from Rodeo…
No hysterics ensue when Brandi C.’s group is examined. Look at how anti-drama they are! They aren’t letting hatred get in the way of physical contact. Inna’s narration, however, left coherence to be desired while her footwear left sensibility to be desired and her hair left shampoo to be desired.
And so, because Megan’s team was as messy as Inna’s hair, Heather’s team wins. Yay?
After the challenge, Sharon holds office hours. As Rodeo makes her way there, we hear her saying, “These two bitches can kiss my ass right now,” in what must be her best classy lady voice.
“Everything was wonderful Sharon…I’m sorry, Miss Osbourne,” starts Rodeo. Sharon corrects her self-correction, telling Rodeo to call her Sharon, as she has been for, you know, the past two and a half episodes. Rodeo’s franticness makes her do the most curious things. I really hope we get to watch her juggle cakes this time.
Rodeo talks more about the bracelet. Megan touching her jewelery seems to have affected her beyond consolation.
She’s not a cheater, and Megan is. Rodeo sobs so much that she can barely get the words out to say, “Even if you eliminate me, you’ll see that I was right.” A modern day Joan of Arc right here, and she’s got the precious iron to prove it.
Sharon asks Rodeo to summon Megan. It may seem weird or unfair of Sharon to force one girl to talk to another who’s been consistently making her cry…
…but Rodeo doesn’t seem to mind that at all. How strange.
Sharon has but one question for Megan: did she try to cheat? Megan has but one word in response: no. And that is that for real this time.
Sharon wastes no time calling four girls down to the carpet:
Basically, they were so chosen because Inna is a slovenly love tank, Megan is bitchy, Rodeo is out of her element and Lacey is a drama-magnet. Take out the word “love tank” and those descriptions could really fit any of them. Perhaps I need to spend some time in Specificity School.
Lacey interviews that she wants the “big, old redneck” sent home. We see Rodeo pop up on the screen yee-hawing and throwing her hair around.
Come on, Lacey. She is not that big.
Sharon lays into Lacey right fast. Lacey starts to explain, “I have strong opinions!” but is shushed by Sharon, thank god.
She’s allowed to go back and stand with the group.
Megan’s the next to receive Sharon’s lashings. She is, in Sharon’s estimation a “conniving, back-stabbing little bitch.” Also, Sharon informs her: “Yeah, you changed your clothes today. But Megan, in here, you’re still a bitch. A real f***ing bitch.“
Megan is not amused…but then, of course she’s not. She’d only be amused if she were the one who was getting to call another girl a real f***ing bitch.
She goes back too so that it comes down to Inna and Rodeo. For now, Sharon announces, this is Rodeo’s last stand.
Sharon’s really sweet about it, telling Rodeo to be proud of who she is. The general idea is that Rodeo doesn’t need Charm School and that this experience could have done her more harm than good. Certainly, it’s doing a number on Destiney right now.
Rodeo is, as usual upon elimination, crushed.
“I stood up for myself and I looked like an idiot and I’m pissed off as hell. It was all because of that f***ing bitch, Megan. I need money! And that bitch is able to stay in here! She’s a f***ing whore, she’s a slut and I hate her!“
Once a classy lady, always a classy lady. That’s Rodeo for ya!