The boys get grabby and slobbery in the latest episode of The Pick Up Artist. That’s what happens when a professional sexologist lets them get frisky with her in the name of research. Unfortunately this sets an unrealistic precedent: while some women will let you grope them in the dark for 90 seconds, others won’t even give out their number even after some polite conversation about meerkats. Todd finds that out the hard way this week and ultimately, he’s sent home.
When Mystery arrives at the house after the last elimination, he wants to give the guys some out-of-the-classroom experience. First he asks our future pickup artists how much “hands-on” experience they’ve actually had with women, and the answers range from adolescent yet creepy (Rian: “Aside from some piggy backs in the 3rd grade…”), to grope-and-bolt (Brian: “I grabbed a boob and ran away”).
Mild-mannered Todd professes that he was a late bloomer and didn’t kiss a woman until he was eighteen. Mystery assures him that there’s no shame in blooming late – our be-top-hatted master didn’t lose his virginity till he was 21.
Enter Erin, a professional sexologist which is, apparently, a woman you can grope without payment or fear of prosecution, and who also has an assistant named Whitney. The two of them help people overcome their intimacy problems. Looks like their dress code is showing-my-business casual.
Whitney brings out a life-size mannequin and Erin asks the guys to demonstrate their intimacy techniques. Simeon gets so intimate that he pulls the wig off of the mannequin and then kneels before her – his skills seem to include simulating knighthood.
Everyone has their own style when dealing with our fair plastic maiden – Rian smooches her every so tenderly on the ear, and Eskimo kisses her and, OH MY GOD you guys, I just realized how Bristol Palin got pregnant!
Brian stares her down intently, explaining that he learned how to make out by Googling it – although I’m not sure a Google image-search ever turned up this move.
Finally, Erin uses Whitney to show where and how to stimulate a woman’s erogenous zones. I used to think Gary Busey filled the VH1 quota for bugged-out crazy eyes, but Celebrity Rehab has nothing on our guys when they’re asked to watch one woman lick another up and down. Greg either has to hold Brian back – or is he just moving him aside to get a better look?
Mystery tells the guys that their reward challenge is to employ the techniques Erin has just shown them by spending 90 seconds in the dark with her so she can judge their moves. Can a person major in sexology in college? Because I’m thinking that there are a lot of people watching this who are wondering that. Erin awaits the guys in darkness while lying atop a pile of pillow. Simeon is the first to enter. Immediately he takes off his shirt and we discover there is a direct relationship between the amount of clothing Simeon wears and the quantity of saliva he produces. In a hurried kissing session, he leaves Erin damp in a bad way. I hope Erin can clean off between sessions because I worry that by the end of this, she’ll be wearing six layers of caked-on saliva and I pity the last man in there who’s reconstituting the spit of sloppy conquests past.
While Matt and Greg cuddle up unselfconsciously, Brian goes in for his Google-stare yet again and says that kissing Erin was like “lickin’ a furry dog.” If there was ever any doubt that Brian has some lessons to learn, he just removed it.
The last man in was Rian who made no mention of spit and instead tells the guys “She is a very pleasant woman” After he finishes, he can’t stop laughing. The challenge has made all of them giddy and has left them with boob-touching stories for the ages. Ultimately Erin names Matt the winner, based on their mutual enjoyment of the challenge, but clearly none of the guys feel like losers right now. As a reward, Mystery presents Matt with an earpiece that he can use in the field; seems like Mystery wants to get all Cyrano and feed Matt lines if need be.
The guys’ lesson for this week is about reading or “calibrating” a girl’s physical attraction, ultimately leading to a kiss by the end of the night in their field test. Brian, whose nickname I’ve decided should be TMI, reveals that the only real kissing he’s done is practicing on a piece of folded ham, but it didn’t work because it was too salty. I. . .He. . .there are no words.
Out in the field, Todd gets shot down by the first girl he talks to. Watching him try to recover was like watching a war movie. Fellow soldiers Matador, Mystery and Tara kept urging him to recover as they watched from the truck, yelling “Stay with me, buddy!” and “You can do it!” Even though he showed some signs of life by getting a two-set to sit and talk with him, ultimately, he succumbed to his wounds and exasperated the girls he was trying to woo.
Despite Matt having Mystery’s ear-bud and getting tips from him in the field, he didn’t manage to get a kiss. Nor did Greg, Simeon or TMI Brian. However Rian stepped up his game and escalated his kino to include back rubs, dancing, and a kiss, although it wasn’t a full-on lip lock.
“It might not have been on the lips but it was definitely gratifying to at least kiss such a pretty lady on the cheek,” Rian explained, obviously excited by the exponential increase in female touching he’s experienced in the past 24 hours.
When Mystery names Rian the winner of the field test, Rian’s giddiness turns into giggles. In Matador’s words, Rian is always pegged as the underdog but always comes out on top, and the fact that he can barely contain his delight at how well he did is a reward in itself.
The guys all agree that at this point in the game, there’s no room for error and everyone decides to dress as if tonight is their last night so they put on their best embellished vests and head to Mystery’s Chamber of Rejection. Mystery surprises them all by telling them he’s very disappointed in them. None of them achieved the goal of kissing a girl on the lips and he wonders if any of them have what it takes to be the next pickup artist, at which point each guy ran to their room in a huff yelling “I hate you! I wish I’d never been born!” Oh wait, that was me when my parents would tell me they were disappointed in me. This show really brings me back.
In the end it comes down to Greg and Todd who are both very pretty. To those of us who are superficial, it’s a surprise to find them in the bottom two. While Todd’s smile can lure gals into a set, Tara explains that she expected more from him but he couldn’t take it to the next level. Greg gets the last medallion and Mystery tells Todd that it’s game over. We’ll miss Todd, recipient of this week’s Fuzzy Farewell Montage.