Rock Of Love Charm School Recap – Episode 4 – America, The Camel-toed

In the words of Kristy Joe…

Camel toe, camel toe, camel toe, look at the camel toe, oh my god, look at the camel toe! Aaaah! Camel toe!

As the episode starts, we get right down to business. That business just happens to be…getting right down to business.

Today, the girls will be lectured on the ins and outs of the rock biz by one…

If you’re reading this, you’re most likely too young to know what a big deal it is that he’s here. Back in the day, the excitement of his presence would have caused your heart to murmur. I mean Murmur. It’s true, he’s an awesome slice of cred. He’s here to lecture the girls on managing. He informs them that skills used for managing can be applied to a range of professions. Trophy-wifing and appearing in clubs, even! Trusting your own gut is important and I don’t know if it’s the bitchiness of these girls rubbing off, but when I heard that, I thought, “Wellllll some people have an unfair advantage, then, don’t they?” Also image is important. Telling that to a room full of reality TV veterans is like telling a room full of dogs that crotches are fun to sniff. THEY KNOW.

Dallas hilariously sums up the lesson of the day with: “Everybody wants to bang a rock star. But Sharon didn’t just bang him; she married him and she managed him. And that’s the smart thing to do.” You can’t help but wonder if Dallas is too dry for this world.

The girls will put what they just learned to work by managing a band they’re going to assemble. The two teams are split up like so:

(That’s Kristy Joe sitting behind Destiney. Not that you’d be able to tell, anyway, since she’s so quiet. If a Kristy Joe falls on the floor does she make a sound? The answer is a booming, “Noooo.”)

They get to work diving the positions:

For this team, Destiney will be the manager, Dallas the stylist, Lacey the musical director and Brandi M., and Wordless Joe will be the creative directors. On the other, Brandi C., will manage (god help them), Heather will style (god help us all), Jessica will be the music director and Megan and Inna will handle the creative-director duties. Brandi C., is “already passionate,” and her makeup hasn’t even started smearing yet (spoiler!).

To assemble their band, the girls audition a variety of musicians, who seem to be involved in a variety of lifestyles.

This aspiring Batman villain goes by the name of “Jester,” because of course he does.

Megan protects Lily from the sound…

…and much like her dog, randomly sticks her tongue out. I guess it’s true that people really do start to look like their dogs after a while.

This drummer is deemed “an uglier Kenny G” by Megan. It’s amazing how many layers of nasty you can fit into four words. The woman makes verbal origami every time she opens her mouth, and it’s all in the shape of torture devices.

This one comes in and for once, he’s, like, hot. As a result of his hotness, Inna awesomely asks him to remove his shirt. He declines.

What a wuss! That totally slashes his hotness, you know? Now I wouldn’t want to see him without a shirt anyway. Thanks for making coping that much easier, buddy.

The girls have more success with the next few dudes…

This one’s a former stripper, which makes Heather light up like a neon sign:

Other notables include this chick with an awesome voice, Maura:

And Charles, Daisy de la Hoya’s highly tweezed-yet-testosteroney, Renzoresque ex, who caused much unintended drama on Rock of Love 2.

The girls pick their teams and wave the rejects goodbye.

The teams convene with their newly picked bands so that they can strategize and get themselves sorted out. T-minus one screen shot to Lacey laying out her resume to her fellow musicians, and…

“I’m Lacey, by the way. I’m going to be you guys’ musical director. I actually have a very strong musical background. I’ve done a lot of touring around the country. I sing, I write, I record, I play some instruments…” Indeed. She didn’t even mention that a virtuoso when it comes to conducting crickets’ chirping.

The song-selection process takes place. Brandi C.’s team settles on “America the Beautiful.” Heather explains how inspiring this was to her as the stylist.

“Once Jessica and the band decided to play ‘America the Beautiful,’ my mind starts racing. I’m like, OK, camos. Red, white and blue…” Annnnd, then it hit a wall because that’s about the extent of patriotic outerwear. That was like a 5-meter dash, but at least it was for America! Support the troops, y’all!

Meanwhile, Lacey’s endlessly directing her band.

The crickets are getting restless.

Megan meanwhile does absolutely nothing but pour herself champagne.

“I only have effort for two things, and that’s tanning and drinking,” she says. If the trophy wife thing doesn’t work out, she could always take a position as the voice of Malibu Stacy. She’s gonna do so much nothing with her life. I can just feel it!

Heather returns with her patriotic finds.

These also include an “Air Force-lookin’ jumpsuit outfit” for Maura.

I feel like Heather developed her understanding of what “Air Force-lookin’” means via Hot Shots! Heather, for your insistence on giving every situation you encounter the campiest spin possible…

…we salute you!

Meanwhile, the boys in Destiney’s band hate everything Dallas picked out for them and Lacey’s being a total ADHD tyrant and, like, crushing hats and stuff and it’s all so much and Destiney can’t take it and…

…blahblahblah…hey look, there’s Lily!

The next morning, Brandi C., tries calling Maura to no avail.

She is wearing a top almost identical to the dress Heather wore last week that was deemed “has been” by Megan. Somehow this seems gravely hypocritical.

You ready to rock?

Yeah, well, get ready to trudge through a big pile of crap first.

It all starts when Maura has to pee. To access the bathroom, she must go through Destiney’s team’s green room.

Indeed. While waiting, she reveals…

…her brother’s in the hospital, really banged up after an accident and so she’s shaken. As she’s spinning her tale of totally justified woe, it looks as if Brandi M., rolls her eyes at Maura.

But who knows, really, what kind of place this was coming from. The fact of the matter is that when Maura’s finished talking, Brandi M., says, “I’m sure he’s going to be fine…I wish the best of luck.” She is, by any scale, completely civil given the fact that this is an opponent.

In fact, she’s too civil for the taste of Megan and Brandi C., who inform Maura that Brandi M., was talking s*** about her when she went into the bathroom.

If you study their faces above, it looks like they’re laughing. Who knows where they were going with this, but the absence of footage of Brandi M., actually talking s*** combined with Megan’s generally diabolical nature suggest that it’s one big manipulation on their part. Why they’d want to get their lead singer riled up before a performance is anyone’s guess. Maybe this is the backstabby version of driving 100 mph with no seatbelt? These girls are social daredevils. Bitchdevils, even.

Maura’s upset, so Heather runs to the other team to find out exactly what happened, because she’s too smart to trust Brandi C., and Megan as primary sources.

And that actually is what was said, basically. It just shows how petty this whole thing is, that it comes down to perception of the tone of voice that delivered a pleasantry. So. Ridiculous. Heather tells Brandi M., that Maura is “bawling her eyeballs out.” There’s never a wrong time for Heatherspeak. In that sense, Heather’s vernacular is like chocolate or personal lubricant.

Brandi M., goes bounding into where Megan and Brandi C., are still consoling Maura, toting what Megan refers to as, “her man voice and her twitching, drug-addict body…” So, she’s Steven Adler, basically?

Without so much as a single tic, Brandi M., bellows an apology, explaining that she wasn’t being derisive when she wished Maura luck. She calls Megan the manipulator, to which Megan replies…

Believable!

So now Brandi M.’s all upset.

And now is also the time for the performances. Before the “show,” the girls are called out on stage and Brandi M.’s a total mess.

And it’s just like, come on, dude. You can’t hold it together for five minutes? You aren’t used to these girls saying horrible things and lying about you by now? Welcome to VH1! You have much spirit to crush! It’s fundamentally showy to be crying on stage, especially for someone who just accused someone else of manipulating, you know? Who’s zoomin’ who here?

After going over some administrative stuff, Sharon stops and asks Brandi M., what’s the matter.

Brandi M., tearily tells her tedious tale before being cut off by Sharon, who tells them that this is not the time for such shenanigans. They’ll deal with the situation later. “Whoo! You guys are one big headf***, I tell you!” Sharon concludes. Realest moment of the series so far, right there. So. True. Bitchdevils will headf*** you like you wouldn’t believe.

The bands perform. Addiction is Destiney’s band. Brandi C., likens them to a science project. With Jester, uglier Kenny G, and Daisy de la Hoya’s ex on board, it seems more like a social experiment to me, but what the hell do I know? Brandi C.’s the scientist.

Then Chosen plays.

It all goes well until everyone’s eyes lower and…

…POW! The aforementioned…

…cameltoecameltoecameltoecameltoe.

They act like they don’t, but everyone enjoys looking at it.

Wordless Joe’s rant is particularly amusing. She doesn’t say much, but when she does, it’s great. She’s Celebreality’s answer to Harpo Marx. At last! We’ve been waiting so long!

The bands are evaluated. Miles thinks that Chosen offered nothing new by taking a standard and merely making it rock harder. Daniela thinks the outfits were cheesy and Riki calls Maura’s jumpsuit “distracting.” Kristy Joe translates:

“The judges’ comments were much like myself. They were like, ‘Oh…your outfit…oh…cameltoecameltoecameltoe!’” Now you can’t get her to shut up!

On the other hand, Addiction was smartly eccentric. Miles would put his money on that band and so would Sharon. Addiction wins. But then so do we, because we get to watch Brandi C., cry for our amusement all over again.

Ah, it feels like old times.

Meanwhile, Kristy Joe thanks Heather for essentially losing the game for her team.

Look who’s adorable all of a sudden! Somebody stop her or we’re going to be seeing I Love Lollipops in a few seasons, I just know it!

At home, tension is mounting. Lacey and Brandi C., argue about something of little consequence on the floor. Aw, c’mon guys. You’re polluting the dining area with your negativity.

Brandi M., watches, which doesn’t suit Megan at all.

She tells Brandi M., to leave. Brandi M., won’t leave. “It’s my room, bitch!” Megan yells, not unlike Freddy Krueger.

We see a tight close-up that a shove on Brandi M.’s part (this extra, which would have clarified a lot were it integrated in the episode, confirms Brandi M.’s first contact). Megan reflexively kicks her.

What’s hilarious is the Self Defense 101 stance she pulls immediately after.

Brandi M., runs off promising that she’ll let Sharon know about this. Megan is more rattled than we’ve ever seen her.

This show is soooo getting to her. It’s like wrinkles on her soul, Sun-In on her scalp, Boons in her champagne glass. Everything is going to hell.

Oh, but you know what’s awesome? Brandi M., employs the use of a marker to write Sharon a note, detailing the assault.

You know a note is serious when it’s scented. Nothing complements the bitter taste of snitching like the sweet smell of chemical grape!

Elimination! It begins with a little ball of awesome…

…all right, two balls of awesome. All right, fine: two hellballs of awesome. And for once, they’re above Heather’s neck! Aw, there’s the girl who did inexplicable things with her hair for elimination that we fell in love with. Welcome back, Heather’s Hair. No supporting character has ever touched us as deeply as you have.

Sharon says she was going to call Brandi C., down to the carpet automatically, as she was the manager of the losing band. However, Brandi M., has thrown a colorful, bubble-lettered wrench into that plan.

And so, Megan and Brandi C., are called down to the carpet.

Sharon’s read Brandi M.’s side of the story (which seems to include almost everything except the shoving), and so Sharon listens to Megan’s side, which adds Brandi M.’s shoving. Megan lies and says she felt a need to protect Lily after being shoved, so she kicked Brandi M., as if that kick didn’t beckon more violence that actually could have affected the dog for real. Whatever. Heather does not approve.

“Sharon, that’s not true!” she says. Except, barring the internal stuff, it is. Sharon polls Lacey and Brandi C., who back-up Megan’s story to Heather’s totally insane reaction.

Brandi M., tells Sharon that she walked away from the fight as it was escalating, because she’s “better than that.” This actually does seem to be true.

Riki takes the opportunity to skewer Megan, asking her what’s going to happen when she’s no longer hot enough to be valued as a trophy wife.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that I want to become a dentist,” she informs them. She never stops f***ing with people, does she? I bet she uses her final breath to criticize the ill-fitting cut of hospital scrubs.

Brandi C., takes it upon herself to enter the carpet, which is kind of like entering the dragon, but more vagina-y.

She proclaims that she, too, will leave if Megan is eliminated. She thinks that the scrutiny Megan is facing over Kickgate is unfair becuase, “She was protecting our room!”

As it becomes clearer and clearer that Megan is going home, Brandi C.’s makeup becomes streakier and streakier.

She can’t live if living is without Megan. This is like watching a baby being born, but less vagina-y. Is it possible to get dropped on your head in the womb?

Sharon eliminates Megan.

She gives a look of death as she hands over her pin. Too little, too late, too not-stabby enough.

Hey, how do you think Brandi C., is coping with this?

Oh, with the usual scoops of rainbows and aplomb!

Megan isn’t, like, a hundredth as affected as Brandi C. You can really see who wears the pants in that friendship.

“Charm School was a f***ing nightmare. I can’t wait to go back to my best life ever where I just lay out and tan and eat sushi and…tan. What more do I want? I don’t want to be here in this stupid school.” It is really nice for our sake that Megan could share with us a piece of her best life ever. Sometimes we, as a reality TV audience, are far too lucky.

Brandi C., meanwhile, is having the worst night ever.

Her makeup is so smeared that she looks like she’s been sweeping chimneys. Additionally, she says, “I can’t stand these people. When they talk, I want to drill drills into my head!” Perhaps when Megan gets her degree in dentistry, she can help out? Yet one more way Brandi C., is reinforcing her own co-dependence!

Sharon pleads with Brandi C., to sleep on her decision to forfeit. She dismisses them before Brandi C., can say anything else or, I don’t know, fill the room with a tidal wave of tears, Alice in Wonderland-style.