Bikini fashion show! No, it’s not the name of a cheesy 80s movie, it’s the field challenge our guys had to undertake this week and man, oh man was it AWK-ward! Of course this outfit never ceases to surprise, so even though three of ‘em hit on the same girl, hyperactive Simeon was the only one who could close the deal and get her number. The rest failed miserably. Simeon was the week’s big winner and SHOCK of all shocks, Brian was the dude sent home.
But first, someone grab the keys to the Range Rover because we’re heading to the Scottsdale Plaza Resort! This week’s reward challenge sees the guys involuntarily signed up to be the prizes in an auction at a fancy-pants spa. Before they can even protest the idea of being paraded around like cattle, Mystery adds insult to injury by telling them they ain’t got no DHV. That’s “Demonstrations of Higher Value” in Mysteryspeak, and in layman’s terms it means selling yourself. I think. The explanation was vague, and I was left to infer the definition of DHV all on my own. Come to think of it, I still think Kino Escalate is an SUV equipped with electronic gambling machines, so I’m not entirely sure what most of Mystery’s man-lingo means. But in this case, at the auction, the guys are supposed to think of stories that will literally sell themselves to the highest bidder.
Matt takes this to mean that he should introduce himself as a high caliber, culturally elite oenophile and starts rehearsing a story about going to Tuscany to study cheese and wine. Simeon talked about the time he and his Sherpa got caught in a monsoon, and Brian seemed to glaze over at his tale.
If the snippets of these guys rehearsing their DHV stories were any indication, I worried for the charity that would benefit from this auction. Poor, poor Defenders of Children, times may be tough this month.
Brian presented himself first to the roomful of prim and proper ladies, and was purchased for a respectable price, likely because he wouldn’t stop shaking his booty at them.
With $575 as the amount to beat, Matt took the stage and continued his story about being taught the ways of the world by an Italian woman. Unfortunately that’s as sexy as it got because his lessons were about what stinky cheese goes best with Chianti. The stories worked though, Matt earned himself an $850 bid, and unless one of the other guys could top that, he might be living out “Under My Tuscan Son” with one of these charitable Arizona socialites.
Matt praises the group of women for their good sense to bid on him:
Final bid: $850
The other guys weren’t quite as at-ease on the stage as Matt, judging from their awkward physical DHVs and low bids.
Rian tried to woo with his come-hither bedtime look:
Final bid: $450
“I don’t want to brag or anything, I just want to tell you I’m a great person,” Simeon totally bragged.
Final bid: $575
On his 24-month service mission, Greg explained how he “left a boy and came back a man.”
Manly though he was, he still couldn’t beat Matt. Final bid: $800
Has Matt lost a reward challenge like, ever? As a prize, he got the company of wing woman Tara whose presence and general hotness will aid him later on when he’s out in the field.
I thought so.
The field test was to pick up a hired gun, a woman whose job relies on her beauty. “A bartender…a go-go dancer…a bikini model,” Mystery says, clearly after having just watched an episode of Laugh-In because when was the last time anyone in real life referenced a go-go dancer? The guys must use different techniques to pick up a bikini model after attending a swimwear fashion show, so they tested hypothetical compliments and negs with Tara. Matt clearly felt confident after hearing Brian’s line “You are the orangest girl I’ve ever met.”
The guys watch the bikini fashion show and then are let loose amongst the throngs of thongs. What you are about to read about was shot using hidden cameras. There are no actors in the club, only real people. . .
And this was where it started to get painful. While swimming in a sea of models, Greg acted awkward and hovered, Brian’s formerly cute “I like pickle juice!” did him no favors and the moment he told one of the models she had “the orangest tan he’s ever seen”, the girls scattered. Remember those Dawn dish detergent commercials where one drop of Dawn on a casserole dish immediately repels whatever grease was on the dish? One drop of Brian was all these girls needed.
Rian, Matt and Simeon all end up trying to mack on the same girl and while she was warm to Rian and cool to Matt, she ended up being hot for Simeon. Guys, take a note from Simeon – offer to take a girl out for mani-pedis because while we can handle small talk and flirting, we can’t abide cracked heels. Simeon’s manic personality and rock-star cowboy persona finally pays off and the girls are on him like nail glue.
When the challenge was over, Mystery addressed the guys in a storage room/Ultimate Fighting cage.
He’s disappointed in Matt who, even with a wing, can’t even pull off getting a phone number but tells all the guys that, aside from Simeon, who’s the obvious winner of the challenge, they could all be on the chopping block since no one else got a phone number.
Ultimately Matt and Greg were awarded medallions and Brian and Rian were in the bottom two. Never would I have thought Brian would be here – I was sure his confidence and craziness had bought him a one-way ticket to Pick-Up City. I’m amazed at Rian’s progress too, but his lack of confidence had been a worry – he does good work out in the field, but I’m starting to think that all his crying is reversing that dry heat Arizona is so known for.
Mystery calls Brian’s persona “one-note” and Tara tells him he doesn’t listen to girls and for those reasons, Rian is awarded the final medallion. In what seems like genuine sadness from everyone in the room, Mystery, Tara and Matador all say goodbye to Brian, who can’t keep his emotions in check and takes a moment to cry before sailing off into a Fuzzy Farewell Montage.
I’ll miss Brian. . .and his hair. . .and his love of pickle juice. . .but I think it’s his spelling I’ll miss most of all, especially as he bids us farewell: “I’m a new person. I’m ready for a real K-I-S-S, infinity S’s. On my lips. Instead of a mannequin this time. Or a guy.”