Rock Of Love Charm School Recap – Episode 5 – Pass That Duchess

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With Lily (and sometimes Megan) gone, it was somewhat comforting to have someone step in and hold it down for the tongue-hanging-out set, you know?

It’s morning. Brandi C., and her armpit miss Megan terribly.

But she has decided that she’ll stay for the sake of avenging Megan. That should buy her a cuddle or two when these two are inevitably watching this show (over and over and over again) in Brandi C.’s bed together.

Meanwhile, from what we can tell, mama cooked the breakfast with some hog…

…yet for Dallas, today will be a good day.

Commandment!

The girls are introduced to Lisa Gache. It’s ironic that her name is a mere vowel away from “gauche,” as she has made it her mission to be anything but. She co-founded Beverly Hills Manners, which aims to turn slobs into sophisticates, one finger bowl at a time. That’s not they’re motto or anything, but it should be.

Lisa teaches the girls the type of things they’ll need to know should Richard Gere cruise into their lives in a Lotus, sweep them off their thigh-high boots and attempt to assimilate them into his escargot-eating lifestyle. Things like sitting with your knees closed.

And sitting, period, for that matter.

And how to eat soup.

Ah, yes. The complications of soup. I have a feeling that lessons teaching the girls how to breathe and blink properly were cut for time.

The girls are informed by Sharon that this lesson is to prepare for a visit they will receive from the Duchess of Birmingshire. They will be split into three teams to entertain the Duchess at different points throughout her meal. Dallas, Kristy Joe and Inna have been selected to be team captains because, Sharon says, they’ve yet to take a leadership role. That’s a nice of way of saying that unless they are in the presence of camel toe, they are mute.

Way to take that leadership role by the balls, Dall. I guess we should be happy that she stepped it up enough to warrant subtitles, though.

Lacey taps Kristy Joe and asks if she can be on her team. Kristy Joe says no!

Have I told you lately how much I love Kristy Joe? If nothing else, Charm School is making her look the best by merely placing her in a context other than one in which she has to fight for a man. Like Cyndi Lauper didn’t say, penis changes anything. Here, Kristy Joe has charisma. At least, when she’s talking. Which she should do more! Or maybe not! I don’t know! KJ, we’ve had our differences in the past, but I think you are neat.

Lacey does this:

Which a) shows the maturity level of those who live within this Celebreality culture, and b) is also holding it down for those whose tongues unconsciously hang out their mouths. In other words, this is for my peoples who lost their retarded chihuahuas. Put your tongues to the sky. We will never say bye bye.

Kristy Joe instead chooses Jessica and Brandi M. Dallas calls on the help of Destiney…

…’cause I know, she like, has a sense of humor. Also she picks Heather, possibly for similar reasons.

And that leaves Lacey and Brandi C., for Inna, which she so doesn’t want.

Nobody wanted them, in fact, which is kind of eye-opening because it was just last week that they carried themselves like they ruled the school. In Megan’s absence, they’ve gone from bullies to booger girls.

Then a guy comes in who’s playing the Duchess’ chief of staff…

…although from the looks of him, he’s playing Ricky Gervais playing the Duchess’ chief of staff.

Not-Gervais ticks off a list of rules by which the girls are supposed to abide in the presence of the Duchess. They are to curtsy upon her entry. They can never turn their back on her. They must mind table manners. They must eat and drink at the big D’s pace. They have to call her by her full name, which is never spelled out so I’m just going to do my best in approximating what these people are made to say about 5,000 times this episode: her full name with title is Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Birmingshire Paige Irvingcrow Harrington. They must keep her from seeing another woman’s décolletage, which makes me wonder if the Duch Lady is horny and bicurious. Keep that one away from Craigslist. Also, apparently, alcohol, as they aren’t allowed to serve her any.

Inna’s team will hang with D-Nasty for appetizers, Kristy Joe has her for the meal and Dallas’ posse will share dessert and tea with her.

The teams practice what they learned today.

Inna reminds her team to “courtesy.” It’s a shame Beverly Hills Manners doesn’t have literacy training. She also thinks that décolletage means bra and underwear, so any impulse to dress like Madonna circa Blonde Ambition must be curttailed. Sucks!

And actually, that’s not what décolletage means.

Lacey knows this, but she interviews that Inna’s stupidity isn’t her problem. But the stupidity in not recognizing that Inna’s stupidity is her problem? All Lacey’s.

Also?

The tongue thing goes from motif…

…to supporting character. Star, even. You’d think these girls had some sort of mental rewiring causing them to hear “Bret Michaels” whenever “Duchess” was said, for all the anticpatory tongue action.

Arrival!

The duchess goes down the line as, one by one, the girls mess up saying her improbably long name.

Brandi M., is particularly mush-mouthed and even says “Birmingham” instead of “Birmingshire,” if you can believe it! Well, I never!

After the receiving line, it’s time for appetizers. There’s only one problem: Inna’s décolletage.

Not-Gervais tells her that she’s offensive, basically, and needs to cover up. Inna runs off and comes back and this is considered better:

It must be said that the Duchizzle is on the wack side, if she prefers this look.

And speaking of looks:

This woman is mugging up a storm. She’s living camp. She’s a set of tucked male genitalia away from a drag queen. How any of these girls thought she was really a duchess is mind-boggling. Whatever.

Inna screws up again when she asks the duchess if she wants something to drink. Lady D requests wine and Inna’s all, “Coming right up!” before Lacey and Brandi C., bust out their trombones and wah-waaaah all over her promise. Inna realizes what she’s done and explains to the Duchess that she’s not allowed to give her alcohol, which puts her in a state that Lacey accurately describes as “pissy” for the rest of the cocktail-free cocktail hour.

Contrast Inna’s response to the alcohol query with Brandi M.’s…

Brandi M., tells her they don’t have any and apologizes. She basically gets praised for doing so. Yay for her. Except not for long because she stumbes over D-Bag’s full name again and is scolded for not knowing the proper way to address her “better.” That’s “better” used as a noun, btw. There’s all kinds of Megan replacement going on up in here.

Unlike the alcohol situation, this is something Brandi M., has control over and thus should apologize. Whatever, lady. You eat soup so slowly, it’s as though your tongue’s been dropped on its head. Who’s better than what now?

Brandi gets moved to the end of the table and Jessica is brought up and made to sit next to this royal pain.

While there, Jessica attempts to endear herself to D.D. Rope-Her by telling a joke: What did the fish say when he hit the glass? Nothing — fish can’t speak.

The Duchess is not amused. I’m sure Kristy Joe isn’t either, what with a potential non-speaking role model being the butt of a joke and all.

Meanwhile, during all of this, Sharon is watching and cracking up.

Her levity is unparalleled. More than anyone on any of these shows ever, she is one of us.

She explains that the Duchess isn’t actually a Duchess at all.

As if we didn’t see that coming. All right, so Sharon’s not totally one of us. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to slip some breathing lessons in there.

Finally, there is the last group.

Despite a shaky start via a tea spill by Heather, it goes well. They have spotted dick for dessert, so there’s plenty of fun with double entendres. Spotted dick, by the way, has nothing to do with what’s probably in Michael Jackson’s pants. It’s this:

It looks so good. I would love to get my mouth on that dick.

So would Heather, who obviously goes there most explicitly with the dick entendres. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be Heather.

It’s time for D.H. Stankpants to hit the highway. As she leaves, the girls practically juggle themselves in an attempt to keep their backs away from her. It looks like a basketball play, all people-weavy and such.

Sharon thinks this is hilarious.

Then, it’s time to go over the results of the challenge.

Ooh, I sense a new motif a-brewin’. Brandi M., didn’t get her name right. Jessica was nervous. Inna was too tempting, both in an alcoholic and flesh-bearing sense.

And there. That settles it. Holding your face is the new sticking out your tongue.

Spotted Dicks win!

Lacey interviews that were it not for Inna, her team would have won. Because of this, she wants to kill Inna. Well, you know what, Lacey? You consciously refused her help on the whole cleavage thing. I wouldn’t suggest anyone kill themselves (even though it seems only fair, given her word choice), but a nice maiming could do wonders.

Then, the girls wind down by the pool and, like, stick out their butts and stuff.

It’s all fun and games until they get official word from Sharon via a note:

It states that the two losing teams must come up with someone on their team to go to the carpet during elimination. An argument breaks out when Destiney points out that Lacey and Brandi C., really could have helped their teammate out, implying that in not doing so, they displayed a decided lack of charm.

Brandi C., reasons that “Lacey told Lacey herself.” I’m not sure what that means, but I enjoy it immensely. As far as having a way with words, possibly New York is the only person in this Celebreality universe who tops Brandi C.’s unique flair. Destiney keeps arguing, invoking the sisterhood aspect of the first commandment and everything. Looks like someone’s playing to win! Anyway, Inna offers herself up, which is the right thing to do, even though Lacey and Brandi C., aren’t being exactly honorable.

Meanwhile, Jessica wonders if all three can go to the carpet. That is so weenie.

Kristy Joe wants to sacrifice herself, as she reasons that her captain skills were faulty, but that’s kind of ridiculous, as she was the only one who didn’t screw up because, hello? She’s awesome. Brandi M., ends up offering herself up, which seems only right…

…except scratch that, because then Brandi M., decides that she doesn’t want to go up because she knows she’ll be eliminated. Is psyching out the judges and scheming charming? Kristy Joe seems to side with Brandi M., as she smokes what’s probably a clove cigarette, but what could be a More.

She reasons that taking such a stand in front of the judges will show them that Jessica has the very thing they think she’s missing: a backbone.

What, me wishy-washy?

Elimination!

Sharon asks who the two teams have pulled as their weakest links. It’s Inna and…Kristy Joe?!? Jessica protests like a lady.

She also joins her captain on the carpet.

Kristy Joe explains that she selected herself because she felt that Jessica was talked into doing something she didn’t want to do. Noble! Jessica is totally OK with being down on the carpet, though. Sharon leaves the decision to the last standing member of their team, Brandi M., who says that Jess should remain on the carpet.

And then: a twist! Since there are only two girls on the carpet, one more must come down. Sharon will be the one to select her and she chooses…

Brandi M.! Well, it all didn’t work out now, didn’t it?

Brandi M., is crapping her pants. Riki emphatically tells her that he hates seeing her up there (crush much?), but Brandi M., eventually gets sent back because she really does want to change. This is like the most complicated, overly dramatic line dance I’ve ever seen. Pull up your socks and hit the carpet / Hear criticism and cry like a faucet. Now turn!

That leaves Jessica and Inna. Jessica’s trying to prove she has a backbone and yet, her indecision pervades. Inna just has all the wrong ideas. Inna’s getting the boot. She has to, like, crumple herself up to hug Sharon.

She’s seriously like twice as tall. Outside, Inna voices her disappointment but says she still as “mad respect” for Sharon.

Even though it looks more like angry respect.

Oh, and also there’s this:

Pour out a little liquor sparkling apple cider.

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Charm School videos and extras

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