Real Chance Of Love Recap – Episode 4 – Meet The Horses

At last, the opportunity for some like-minded discourse!

This episode couldn’t start more appropriately: the first word we hear is “bitch.”

That comes courtesy of Ki Ki and says everything, except not really because there’s so. much. more. Ki Ki and Lusty continue their fight that started with Lusty calling Ki Ki fake, and continued with Ki Ki repeatedly bashing Lusty’s dead mother. She really hates that corpse! She also hates the woman she gave birth to, as Ki Ki refers to Lusty as a, “bi-polar-ass, slut-ass hoe.” “Bi-polar-ass!” That might be the best -ass prefix yet. It arrives just in case you needed absolute confirmation that Ki Ki is Bootz 2.0.

There’s some face-getting-inning.

And some songwriting. Ki Ki’s opus goes, “She’s a dead bitch! / She’s a dead bitch! / Burnin’ in hell.” It’s a catchy tune that Radio Disney is going to play the crap out of. Lusty vows to f*** Ki Ki up. Ki Ki repeats, “Yo mama’s a bitch,” as though it’s a mantra. I bet Ki Ki’s favorite yoga move is the stank salutation.

K.O., can relate to Lusty, as her mom is also dead. So K.O., steps to Ki Ki, who’s undoubtedly thrilled by the attention and the opportunity to get a competitor thrown out without even having to do anything.

You can see Bubbles hovering, and with reason. Bubbles interviews that…

“I’m a peacemaker. I love peace.” She also loves piece as in pizza and swinging around the bi-pole. Just two more reasons why this is her business.

The smoke clears (probably because Bubbles ate it), and Lusty summons Real for a sit-down.

She explains her strife. Real seems shocked.

He is also maybe scared. As he should be, according to some of the girls, who have compared Lusty to the devil. Lusty does concede that, “Yeah, I might have mysterious eyes…” but she’s not the devil. I think the devil’s eyes are about as far from mysterious as anyone’s. His whole thing is pretty cut-and-dry, you know? Lusty’s most mysterious body part could very well be her brain.

Meanwhile, in a widescreen scene, whose presence is more mysterious than any eyes I’ve ever seen, Chance talks to his wild-haired brother Micah, who explains that Cali is “an industry girl.”

This came up briefly last episode, and we’re just not lucky enough for it to have ended there. Why anyone, much less two veritable VH1 vets like Chance and Real, should be surprised that any of these girls have their eyes on any facet of the entertainment industry since they’re on the supposed stepping stone that is reality TV is utterly beyond my comprehension. But hey. I’m just a blogger.

Chance and Real Mail!

Bubbles reads it because that’s really the way things should be, and damn it if this show isn’t inherent commentary about the preservation of natural order. “Good morning, ladies. It’s time to get down to business. The family business. That is.” Her delivery reminds me of Miss Teen South Carolina 2007. “That is” is the new “such as.” Everyone figures that they’ll be meeting the parents today, because clearly they haven’t studied this shows enough to realize that that episode doesn’t happen till much later in the season.

No, instead, the girls will meet with members of Real and Chance’s extended family today.

Namely, their barn animals. Or, uh, someone‘s barn animals.

The guys inform the girls that they’ll be cleaning up the barn and the girls are pretty awesomely, less than pleased at the assignment.

Though seeming somewhat disgusted in the shot above, Cali interviews that she’s not being nearly as prissy as the other girls about the task at hand. She says that if she has to stick her hand up a cow’s ass, she’ll do it. Spoken like a true industry chick!

The girls are divided into teams with various tasks laid out as such…er, make that such as:

Watching this in a car around the corner from the barn, Real explains that in addition to barn clean-up being part of their daily lives as Arabian-horse breeders, this challenge is helpful because women who are able to do this stuff turn him on. “Ain’t nothin’ like makin’ love in a horse stall.” Yeah, ain’t nothin’ like it because what other circumstance affords the opportunity to get hay in your ass crack?

Highlights from this challenge include K.O.’s utter cluelessness.

She chases after a chicken, asking, “Is this a geese?” and proving that she knows little about animals or grammar.

Though it’s difficult…

…she overcomes her ignorance to do a bang-up job.

K.O.’s physical doppleganger is her mental one as well, it turns out, as Meatball can’t tell a llama from a sheep.

The concepts of singular and plural are similarly problematic. And, like, have these girls ever read a picture book? I wouldn’t even ask them what sound these animals make for fear of embarrassing them.

Bay Bay Bay attempts to scream pigs into submission…

Lusty does some sort of weird zombie-trance thing to seduce a rouge turkey…

And Milf gets praised by Real for “workin’ that hay in a sports bra, all wet and nasty.”

He really does mean this as a compliment.

Oh, and Bubbles bonds with the donkey whose teeth she brushes, as seen at the top of this recap. Actually, it’s so amazing, it’s worth looking at again:

I like how her teeth are on full display, in sympathy. That is what you call animal compassion.

It ends up winning her the game, too: while K.O.’s team kicked ass, Bubbles brushed the teeth of one. She and Ki Ki will get tonight’s date!

“I have hay even in my bra, so I deserve this date with Chance tonight,” explains Bubbles. No, girl, you deserve this date because of awesome sound bites exactly like that. A win for Bubbles is a win for us, as it means she gets more screen time. This challenge was, in short, beautiful.

Back at home, there is discourse.

Rabbit informs Cali of Chance’s industry-girl suspicion, to which Cali responds that she’s industry because she’s a make-up artist…

…while Milf dons a look that seems to wonder what Freddy Krueger might wear to a hoedown to tell Real of Ki Ki’s dead-mother-bashing. And don’t even get her started on those 100 maniacs.

Whatever. It’s time for the date, which will take place outside and feature the barbecued stylings of Real and Chance.

The girls talk about what a turn-on it is for a man to be able to cook. Their juices must have dried up like those of a charred steak when they realized that…

…Chance and Real can’t even barbecue. Those ribs are destroyed. Despite the girls’ help…

…very little is salvageable. That’s OK, though. You know what they say: when life gives you lemons…

…make innuendo. They all dine on desserts, presented and consumed in the dirtiest way possible.

Seriously, there should be a mini-challenge in which the girls have to shovel the sides of Bubbles’ mouth.

At first, this seemed infinitely more explicit than it actually is. Don’t let that braid fool you, the owner of this breast is a male. It’s Real. For real.

You know what else is real?

Real’s concern over Ki Ki’s inflammatory remarks about Lusty’s dead mother. “I don’t want you to do this in the future,” he tells her, which is actually extremely pragmatic of him. It’s better than, say, shaking his finger and scolding her. He tells Ki Ki that he wants her to apologize.

This leads to a call home to Mom…

Ki Ki interviews, “My mother definitely would not approve of my behavior, so I just needed to talk to my mother to make me feel a little bit better about myself.” That’s her complex way of informing us that she thrives on disapproval, right? Ki Ki’s conversation with her mother is kind of hilarious — when her mom asks why she’s been giving other girls crap, Ki Ki responds, “You know how things go.” As long as her mother watches these shows, I’m sure she knew exactly what her daughter was talking about.

It all leads to an apology of questionable sincerity.

Ki Ki tells Lusty that the things she said about Lusty’s mom, “were not my intentions.” Oh yeah, the “She’s a Dead Bitch” song just slipped out. Total accident. She also says it was the heat of the moment, even though there were several moments. Over the course of two episodes, even. Whatever.

Other girls meet with Real and Chance in advance of elimination.

K.O. doesn’t like that Ki Ki got to go on a date. Real says that she can’t control Ki Ki. Well, look who’s a psychologist now!

Rabbit and Chance have an amazing exchange that goes…

Rabbit: I was picking up s*** with my hands.
Chance: You’re dope.
Rabbit: Thanks, babe.

Touching, right? Equally touching is when Rabbit cries because she hasn’t had a boyfriend in two years, since she’s so picky. Meh, she did it to herself.

Cali, in an admirably direct turn, confronts Chance on his accusations…

She sets the record straight on her makeup artistry, which should relieve Chance as 1) she’s not attempting to use this show as a launching pad for her career, since she’s behind-the-scenes, and 2) he’ll always have a personal eyeliner-applicator, should he choose her at the end of this thing.

Finally, Lusty visits Real’s room to provide a massage.

Real interrogates her on her life and mind. She says the last guy that she was with conveniently forgot to tell her he was getting married. What an ooops! Real, hilariously wonders out loud, “How are ya…mentally?”

She says she’s fine.

Her “mysterious” eyes suggest otherwise.

Elimination!

Bubbles and Milf get the first chains despite the latter being, in Ki Ki’s words, classless, not cute and raggedy as hell. Well, you know how things go.

Ki Ki, by the way, is half-cocooned in her dress like some underachieving caterpillar.

Alternately, all she would need to turn into a bat is a reversal of gravity.

It all comes down to these two. Real, channeling a slightly casual Tyra Banks, announces, “I got two beautiful ladies still standing up there…” Ki Ki becomes distraught over the prospect of being sent home…

But the unresolved issues that Dr. Real detects get Lusty the boot. In her exit interview, she says that she’s shocked that Real would keep an “animal” like Ki Ki over her.

But duh: Real keeps animals. Did she forget this episode’s challenge already?

Related content
Real Chance of Love show page
Real Chance of Love videos and extras