This week on The Pickup Artist, the guys show how far they’ve come, and man, they sure don’t look like the same nerds we met six weeks ago. They were total pros out in the field and there was lots of making out going on. There was also a very Top Gun vibe what with all the wingmen – Rian and Greg easily filled the roles of Maverick and Goose as they competed against Matt and Simeon (er, Iceman and Slider) for immunity. There was no sexy, sweaty beach volleyball, but we did get a glimpse at a new, shirtless Simeon. Umm, Simeon. . .care to explain?
When Rian returns to the house with the last of Mystery’s medallions from last week, Simeon tells the group “We’re the Fantastic Four right here.” With Brian now gone, the guys have lost a friend, but also a rival – they’re all one step closer to being the master pickup artist, but first, in a move to see whose day game it tops, they’re are hurtled into a sea of coupon-clippers and price checks at the grocery store.
Mystery explains that day game is like a watered-down version of the pickup techniques the guys are used to – body language must be toned down and negging should be kept to a minimum. Besides, no woman is going to get with you if she has Tofutti Cuties that need to hit the freezer asap. A subtler approach is called for. While Matt starts off strong, all the Luna Bar jokes in the world couldn’t stop him from losing momentum. He ends up nervously batting around an onion, which I wish was a euphemism, and leading Mystery to joke “There’s an eight-set of asparagus right behind you!” Poor Matt just couldn’t produce. Get it? Produce? Like the produce aisle? Sorry…
Next up, Rian enters boldly and heads straight for the chocolate fountain, always a good move, because where there’s a chocolate fountain there are most definitely single women congregating. He starts off well but then starts in on some “theater exercise” version of patty-cake, yet he still manages to number close a two-set of girls. The grocery store seems to be Rian’s element.
Maybe Simeon remembered the Sesame Street episode where the food in the fridge could talk to each other, because when it was his turn, he seemed to direct his opener at a wall of herbs rather than the girl next to him, and was shocked when the ladies weren’t responsive. He then forced a girl into conversation and somehow, despite her discomfort, got her phone number, all the while causing our judges to cringe.
“What I proceeded to do is the exact opposite of everything I had been told,” Simeon said while sauntering off into the employees-only room. Meanwhile, Greg couldn’t close any deals and froze after making chit-chat and faking interest in food samples. The fake perplexed look on Greg’s face as he fakes interest in what he just sampled and fake contemplates going back for more is genuinely entertaining.
Matt and Greg may charm the ladies at night, but their day game proved lacking and Rian was named the winner of the challenge.
Back at home, Matt confides to the gang that he feels like he’s dumbing himself down when he’s out in the field. “Who’s going to a club to talk about the Socialist policies of France? Nobody is! But that’s in my wheelhouse, you know?” Well Matt, you’re right. No one goes to bars, or the supermarket or even French Socialist club to talk about that. It looks like your wheelhouse shall remain a fortress of solitude. Later, Matt references Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner so actually, Matt might want to hit up Club My Dad if this is the kind of conversation he’s looking for.
Mystery, Matador and Tara arrive to teach a lesson about being a good wingman. These lessons include talking up your buddy in what’s known as “accomplishment intros” and preventing obstacles from getting between you and your target, in other words, warding off cock blocks. With the help of a wingman, the goal of this week’s field test is to make out with a girl. As the winner of the reward challenge, Rian was allowed to choose his wingman, and he decided to pair with Greg, leaving Matt and Simeon together.
Out in the field Greg and Rian successfully manage to get three girls to come sit with them in the VIP area. Greg makes out with his target in no time at all, leaving her awed by his smooth techniques.
Rian was left to fend off the other two girls – literally. He actually had both girls offering to kiss him and each other, and one of the girls even apologized saying her kissing was out of practice. Rian went in for an innocent “little brother” kiss with her and while it wasn’t a full-on makeout, for a guy who was trying to diplomatically handle a threesome without ever having kissed anyone, he did well.
Later when it’s Matt and Simeon’s turn, Simeon and His Magical Cowboy Hat get some action right out of the gate.
Matt and His Suit spend too much time talking business and he doesn’t make a move on his target until after Simeon comes by for some wingman motivation. Watching them and seeing how much their confidence has grown since the beginning of the show is exciting at this point. As soon as Simeon leaves Matt and his girl alone, they’re playing tonsil hockey in no time.
Having a wingman has made the guys wayyy less self-conscious.
“It’s official, we’ve built four really, really impressive pickup artists,” Doctor FrankenMystery tells his assistants Matador and Tara.
Since Matt and Simeon both achieved the makeout goal, Mystery chose them as the winners. Their styles complemented each other and ultimately that’s what won it for them. On the other hand, while Greg also accomplished the goal, he proved to be a selfish wingman by not helping in any way (perhaps he could have pulled one of the target girls off of Rian for a few minutes so Rian could collect himself), and now the two of them would be fighting for the last medallion.
We haven’t heard much from the guys in the way of playing the reality game – up until this point they’ve all been grateful for the lessons they’ve learned from Mystery – but now that it’s down to four, it’s getting competitive. “At this point, I really wanna win this competition and strategically I think Greg poses more of a threat than Rian does, therefore I would actually like to see Greg go home,” Simeon says. Cold, Simeon, cold. But this is an elimination show and there’s been no cattiness thus far, so it’s refreshing to finally see some strategy employed. We’re so close to one of the guys saying “I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win!” I can feel it.
Each guy was allowed to make his case for staying, and Rian made his point by saying that he doesn’t even kiss his family, so to have kissed one girl on the lips, even if it wasn’t a makeout, was a success. That tugged at the old heartstrings until Matador pointed out “You don’t kiss? That’s what we do man!” Touché. This guy must’ve killed at debate club.
Greg sealed the deal though when he said “I feel like I’ve grown one thousand percent, and I feel like I have the potential to grow another million percent.” How can you say no to that? That’s some solid math right there. Had Rian only played the numbers game, maybe he wouldn’t have been the recipient of this week’s Fuzzy Farewell Montage.