Rock Of Love Charm School – Episode 6 – Sex, Videotape and Apathy

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At last…

…man meat!

We begin with a heartfelt note from Inna:

I have to say that I’m extremely proud of her for using the right “you’re.”

Lacey decides to dabble in the art and field of annoying people while they are sleeping. To achieve this, she bangs pots and pans.

Or, uh, I guess a trash can? It’s like New Year’s Even in the gutter. I guess you could say that about the general tone of VH1.

Commandment!

The girls are out by the pool, where various booths are set up.

Daniella addresses the girls and tells them that today is all about enjoying the finest things that life has to offer. She sends them to sample the substances. And that’s it. No mention of a challenge or anything. Heather, not being brain dead, wonders aloud what the catch is. Ya gotta watch out for that one. She’s savvy.

The same couldn’t be said for some other girls, who start pounding the drink offerings.

Destiney finds herself confounded at the concept of tequila tasting.

I didn’t realize that you can just take a sip!” Welcome to the world of consumption, Destiney. You have much to learn. But seriously, this verbalizes the way these girls approach life in the most succinct manner possible.

Dallas, meanwhile, is getting loose in every sense of the word.

She flirts with the experts, despite their geekiness.

They’re men and they have penises and I’m ready,” she interviews. Again: a very neat encapsulation of the Celebreality lifestyle.

Temptation is a part of life, it doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right.

After the tasting, the girls sit around the pool and talk (what else?) animal rights.

That sounds like a great premise for a direct-to-DVD historical epic. I would pay money to watch Clan of the Cave Brandi. I mean, I’d at least Netflix it.

Meanwhile, Lacey’s, like smacking and sucking…

…and it turns out that what she’s slurping on is fish juice. Kristy Joe interviews that she’s spotted fish and caviar on Lacey’s dish. Dallas calls her out on this, and Lacey attempts to explain why as a militant animal activist, this isn’t hypocritical…

…but Dallas doesn’t let her get a word in. That’s really frustrating. I was looking forward to tearing apart Lacey’s logic. But also, it’s not cool to engage the easily engaged and then just turn your back. That’s like turning on your iPod and telling it, “I won’t hear it!” It’s poorly reasoned and your iPod doesn’t care!

Although, on second thought, perhaps Dallas did this merely to drive Lacey crazy, which it does while requiring the least amount of effort possible on Dallas’ part. So, uh, bravo, perhaps?

Lacey goes on and on, soon upsetting Brandi C., who sees that her co-dependence is being threatened. Lacey says pish-posh to that and takes this squabble through the house, landing on Dallas’ bed, where she proceeds to put her feet on Dallas’ clothes and pillows.

It has to be noted that Lacey looks sexy in this scene.

Truly sexy. Maybe it’s the inherent naughtiness of a woman being in another woman’s bed? Maybe it’s the angle?

There’s more face-getting-in.

Lacey wants Dallas to explain herself, but Dallas refuses. Lacey can’t stand it! At last, her Achilles heel is revealed: she can’t deal with being ignored. Brandi C., preternaturally senses this and she attempts to keep Lacey at bay, but in the middle of this face-to-face squabble, she takes a trip to the bathroom. That’s like deciding that now that you’re in the shark cage, it’d be a great time to change your tampon. Bonus points if Lacey’s head is positioned under your crotch. Color needs refreshing!

Lacey and Dallas have a seriously wonderful exchange. It goes:

Dallas: I can smell the fish in your breath.
Lacey: You’re smelling your own p****.
Dallas: Your mouth would smell like my p****.

OK, so Dallas has gone from amazing to superhero.

Lacey, out of sheer frustration over Dallas’ verbal upper hand, pours her drink on her.

Dallas doesn’t lash out, which Heather takes as a sign of progress. In just six episodes, Dallas has gone from apple-throwing to ahimsa. Heather, by the way, is completely awesome when she reflects on what just happened with Lacey (she’d watched most if not all of it, because she loves this s***, too)…

I mean, I got the chills, like whoa! [Burp].” Nothing like injecting your words with a little Homer Simpson to bring the levity. Puts everything into perspective, you know? All’s well that ends gassy, I guess.

Meanwhile, downstairs, a cop rides his motorcycle in!

…Kristy Joe walks along, notices it…

…and then keeps right on walking…

I guess when you’ve been on the receiving end of Bret Michaels’ eye-lined gaze and tongue, nothing’s shocking.

The cop, whose name we come to find is Officer Rick, ushers the girls inside. They’re salivating like dogs in a sausage factory. Some hopefully think he may be a stripper. At first it just seems that they’re so excited because he’s a man and he has a penis and they’re ready…

…but he really is a good-looking dude.

Wee-ooh-wee-ooh-wee to you, Officer Rick.

Inside, Kristy Joe sees cameras, condoms and blow-up dolls. She wonders if they’re making a porno. Always a good question in these parts, especially since for some, the answer ends up being: uh, yeah.

But first, Officer Rick is going to administer Breathalyzer tests to the girls to make sure that they didn’t take the opportunity to overdo it at the preceding backyard event.

This show being…this show, blowing double entendres are never far from anyone’s lips, especially in the presence of actual blowing. “Nobody gave Heather $20, so I don’t see why she’s gonna blow this thing,” Lacey interviews before cracking herself up.

Nothing like engaging yourself, you know? If most of us could do it, we’d never leave the house.

It turns out that the results of this Breathalyzer will be used to group the girls for today’s challenge. Those results, by the way, are:

Kristy Joe – .003
Heather – .004
Jessica – .006
Destiney – .009
Brandi C. – .01
Brandi M. – .02
Lacey – .042
Dallas – .087

The girls are grouped into pairs starting with the most sober, so Kristy Joe and Heather make up the first team, Destiney and Jessica are on the second, and so on. The girls will create and shoot PSAs on the dangers of drinking. That won’t be easy without crash-test dummies, but they’ll try. They each get a finger-wagging facet: Kristy Joe and Heather’s will be on the harm that excessive drinking does to unborn babies, Jessica and Destiney will talk about drinking’s effects on one’s body, the Brandis will take on the belief that drinking leads to promiscuity, and Dallas and Lacey will talk about how drinking puts people in dangerous situations. Not tackled: how reality TV puts people in dangerous situations by placing mortal enemies on the same team. Well, not tackled explicitly. They have one hour to shoot.

The girls get down to work, except for the ones who don’t. Dallas won’t even sit near Lacey.

Destiney asks her what she’s doing, and she snaps back, “What am I supposed to be doing? Helping Lacey win?” Well, sabotaging yourself certainly won’t help. That’s like cutting your period hair off to spite your face.

And speaking of faces…

…I have never seen someone with such a pronounced frown in my life. Or at least, this week. And I work across the street from a Toys R Us, so you know I know frowning. I just want a giant kangaroo to come and jump on Dallas’ mouth, but that’s not the right toy-store brand.

Meanwhile, Heather and Kristy Joe plan to do their PSA as a TMZ-style stalking of Britney Spears, whom Heather resembles to a nearly uncanny degree.

Dallas finally decides to work with Lacey…

…except, once she does, you wish she hadn’t. Lacey tries to set up the camera, and asks how mechanically inclined Dallas is. “Not at all,” she responds, following with…

Gross. Maybe she’s being sarcastic, but she also could be just pragmatic. Hard to say for sure. Chilling.

Also?

How’s that for pragmatism?

For the Brandis’ part, they decide to simulate sex on camera. Perhaps it’s out of habit.

Don’t do it, Brandi M., your plastic dude is clearly gay…

I mean, check out the mouth.

Destiney and Jessica’s P.S.A., is kind of pomo in that it breaks the fourth wall. As Destiney rattles off ways alcohol can harm one’s body…

…she stumbles…

…falls, and then Jessica comes out from behind the camera to aid her…

It’s as self-conscious as a Rock of Love girl without makeup.

Over by the pool in Geniusville…

…Heather and Kristy Joe attempt to review their material. They cannot, so they ask Riki how to rewind and play their tape. “Press rewind. Then press play,” he says. You know what they say: there’s nothing more helpful than a smart-ass. Believe me, I know: my desk is a veritable information station, with a line regularly wrapped around it. Anyway, it turns out that they didn’t record it the first go ’round, which means they have to do it all over again.

It seems to lose very little so, uh, yay for them!

Finally, it’s time to present this stuff.

Everyone loves Heather’s and Kristy Joe’s. As for the Brandis, vid…it’s Brandi-grabbingly good!

Also, look who’s best friends all of a sudden? If you ever need to quickly explain cognitive dissonance, look no further than the picture above…although, that might require explaining many of the Brandi-related events that have gone down since the first Rock of Love, so on second thought, never mind. The concept of cognitive dissonance is infinitely simpler than the tangled web of personality that VH1 is weaving.

You know, there’s some sex-doll heavy petting…

…which Daniella finds shocking…

…which Brandi C., eventually finds shocking and…shocking…which I find shocking, because wasn’t the whole point (or at least part of it) to be shocking?

Dallas and Lacey present the worst…

…I mean, she’s blatantly reading, you know? There’s no reading allowed in this house! The books are fake! But really, her stilted, wooden delivery actually makes this the most P.S.A.-like, or at least it’s most like the P.S.A.s that I enjoy. Never underestimate the entertainment value of incompetence.

The judges don’t see it that way, though and Lacey and Dallas get called out for their lack of creativity. “You might as well have been taking a pee, it was as dull as that,” says Sharon. I think that sounds pretty damn exciting, actually. Destiney and Jessica were unconvincing, while the Brandis were obscene, according to Daniella, and “probably very offensive to most people.” Yeah, and none of them watch VH1. I’m just saying that the Brandis knew their audience extremely well. But not better than Kristy Joe and Heather, who in addition to exhibiting pop culture savvy, were provocative. Heather also receives praise for her acting, which totally makes her week. Kristy Joe and Heather are the clear winners of this challenge.

Following that announcement, a celebratory Heather notes in the kitchen…

I hope Britney’s not mad, ’cause you know I love her!” I’ll tell you what, Heather: Britney tore herself away from hanging on your every word, as she has been for the past year and a half, to call me and tell me that she’s pissed. You better send her a fruit basket or something to make up for this.

Elimination!

In addition to Dallas and Lacey…

…the Brandis are also (shockingly?) called down to the carpet…

The Brandis are regressing — they’re back to being “trashy girls.” Sharon says that as if it’s a bad thing! They were creative but inappropriate and they know that so they can stay.

That means it’s down to Lacey and Dallas, which means…

…headache!

Riki points out that Lacey pushes Dallas’ buttons. Lacey says regardless of that, when it came time to work, she was ready and Dallas was nowhere to be found. Dallas says, “That’s not true, I was outside crying because you poured a drink on me.” Liquid’s like weapons, it wounds sometimes.

Bickering ensues. Lacey denies ever getting close to Dallas, which is a lie, as Heather corroborates…

…and this, in turn, causes Brandi C., to chime in, defending Lacey and saying that she pulled Lacey away from Dallas…

…except for when Brandi C., left in the middle of that altercation to go to the bathroom, which we don’t hear her mention. Maybe instead of Charm School, what these girls really need is memory boosters. Or, like, truth serum. Now it’s a bickerfest between Brandi C., and Heather. It ends with Brandi C., accusing Heather of yelling at her like an “abusive boyfriend.” If that’s the case, then Sharon comes down on her like a ruler-wielding nun.

Being disruptive gets Brandi C., flung from the room. Then begin the waterworks and…

…the running eye makeup.

Brandi C.’s greatest lesson could be how helpful waterproof mascara is. So far, that remains unlearned.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, Dallas doesn’t give a f***, and so she’s getting expelled.

In her exit interview, she says she wish she would have punched Lacey in the face and cursed out more people. Once a charmer, always a charmer.

Sharon eventually calls Brandi C., in and tells the group generally that they are draining.

Brandi C., says, “Tell me about it!” I mean, the amount of body fluid she’s lost from crying on these shows alone makes Sharon’s statement not just figuratively true, but literally as well.

Related content
Rock of Love Charm School show page
Charm School videos and extras

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