Real Chance Of Love Recap – Episode 5 – The Girl With The Most Chain

Everyone’s after Rabbit, like a pack of dogs.

Are you panting yet?

Following last week’s Lusty bust-up (lust-up?), Ki Ki resolves to embroil herself in less drama from now on.

If you’re scaling down on the drama, you might wanna rethink having your eggs with wine. Just a suggestion.

Meanwhile, Meatball feels that she hasn’t spent sufficient time with Chance, so she goes to his room. Real lets her in and says that Chance will be right with her. Meanwhile…

…he lurks like the possibility of a stain during a pasta dinner. Meatball waits patiently…

…and finally…

…boo! Whoa. Next to accepting actual responsibility, this is the scariest thing Chance could possibly do. Real, for the record, thinks this is funny enough not just to laugh at…

…but to laugh at with what seems to be hard-boiled egg in his mouth. On TV. In a context in which he’s supposed to be sexually appealing. I guess when you have your own show, you make up the rules. Even the ones of attraction.

Speaking of!

…Milf and her barely sheathed butt come in to visit with Real. Meatball finds this disrespectful, as she was attempting to enjoy one-on-one time with Chance, even though Real was totally in the room anyway. Whatever. Her reaction stretches beyond irked into the realm of grossed-out…

…so that’s cute. Also, Milf nets a smack on the ass from Chance, so Meatball’s irritation is justified. Why bite the Meatball when you can get the Milf for free, you know?

Challenge time! The girls get outfits.

Some are red. Some are black. Could today’s challenge be a game of human checkers? Finally, my Celebreality dreams are coming true!

Unfortunately, it’s just an ’80s dance off, as moderated by these people:

They seem notable.

Anyway, Ki Ki is very confident about this challenge, since she has years and years of dance training and has been in some music videos. That wouldn’t make her an…industry girl, now would it?

The guys tell the girls that merely calling themselves “Black Team”…

…and “Red Team”…

…just won’t do, so their first damn task is to come up with a new name. Black comes up with the Stallionettes. Gee, where did they get that? Could it have been from last episode, when that made-up word spun off another made-up word was repeated about 5,000 times? Then again, you can’t knock these girls for equating spinning-off with creativity. After all, look where they are.

Per Bubbles, Red adopts the name Mixed Spice. Not everyone is on board with this name, but whoever their Kaba Modern advisor is convinces them that it’s good. There’s a reason she’s a dancer and not a linguist, you know?

Rehearsals begin. Kabadvisor asks Mixed Spice if any of them have any special skills. Milf does!

She turns a cartwheel, much to Meatball’s disdain. Meatball’s so sick of Milf’s cartwheels, which we see a montage of. This woman turns herself a lot. It’s as though every opportunity is an opportunity for sexercise…

…you know?

Pornorobics are no concern of the Stallionettes. Instead, Cornfed’s wackness that possibly derives from her whiteness is the focus. We see wonderfully entertaining shots of Cornfed struggling with the moves. She’s definitely raw. But whatever, some guys like it like that.

The competition begins.

The most remarkable thing about Mixed Spice is Rabbit, whose hip-rocking entrances Real.

I don’t even need to note the foreshadowing nature of this, right?

The Stallionettes go…

They seem good enough. They end their act on the ground.

This is, apparently, impressive. For staying closest to their advisor, the Stallionettes win! Their prize will be to attend a Stallionaires performance. Aren’t they basically living in a Stallionaires performance? That’s like giving dessert as first prize of an eating contest, you know?

Speaking of food…

…at home, Meatball attempts to connect further with Chance by serving him spaghetti and (you guessed it) meatballs. This is her subtle way of telling Chance, “Eat me!”

Perhaps reconciling his feelings with the symbolism, Chance takes a bite or two and is not into Meatball’s ‘balls.

He tells her that her sauce is bad. Hard to please much, Gramps? Meatball explains that it’s just tomatoes. But he likes soul food, so there! But she can cook soul food, so what does he want? Nothing. He has come as close to literally spitting out Meatball as possible without resorting to failed cannibalism.

It’s time for the Stallionettes’ date!

Risky’s preparation cap is adorable and hilarious. Perhaps she is too? She’s said about as much as that piece of plastic during her entire time on this show, so who knows?

Date time!

And it’s romantic, too!

At the dinner that follows, Real sits between Cornfed and Bay Bay Bay, which really pisses Ki Ki off, she relates the next day.

I knew wine with eggs was a bad idea!

Meanwhile, Rabbit and Cornfed have made Chance and Real cheesecake, which is apparently very buttery. Not knowing they’re in the company of picky, soul-food aficionados, they serve this dessert to their potential men…

Chance immediately spits it out.

He’s either 2-years-old or channeling the woman who throws up her digestive system in Lucio Fulci’s eco-terror classic City of the Living Dead.

And you know they’d make it again for him in a second. He’s whipped them and he did it with innards.

Today’s going to be a little different: Chance is going to hang out with Real’s girls…

…and Real’s going to hang out with Chance’s girls…

This should be fun and painful! Real says grace before the meal. After, he says, “Everybody here believes in God, right?” Well, clearly. It was either a convent or Real Chance of Love. But you know, clerical life is a lot more uncertain of a career than reality TV. That’s stable. When Bubbles doesn’t jump for Jesus, Real calls her out. She tells him, “I feel like I don’t need God to be a good person, because I’m a good person on my own, you know?”

Real does not know and openly disapproves because being a good person apparently involves being pious and accusing people of having demons and ignoring the part of the Bible that talks about not casting judgment. I think we all need to use Real’s life as a model.

There’s some more industry-girl talk regarding Cali.

This talk comes up so much, it’s practically an industry unto itself. Meatball gets a little snippy with her about it, but Cali explains that she’s behind the scenes and she wants to do gore stuff anyway, and how glamorous is that? Cali just got a little more awesome, not gonna lie. City of the Living Dead 2, here you come, girl!

Also, Real’s boner for Rabbit?

Still there!

Meanwhile, Milf tells Chance that she enjoys Real’s touch, eyes and kiss. She just wants to make him feel like he never did. K.O. all of a sudden starts crying (could it be the Patron shots?), explaining how she was adopted and doesn’t have a family to offer Real.

No dowry?! Feed her to the crocodiles in the moat!

Speaking of crocodiles (and, more specifically, their tears), Chance immediately starts crying in empathy…

How adorable is it that the second a woman starts crying, he tears up as well? It’s nice to know that no matter how insensitive he gets, he’s still…sensitive.

Real decides to have one-on-ones with two of Chance’s girls.

This leads to a rantfest from Meatball…

…and a flirtfest with Rabbit, for whom Real confesses true feelings. But first, he tells her that the Patron “got me a little wet.” It’s funny how not having a vagina makes that statement infinitely nastier. Seriously: think about that statement’s only possible biological implications (because you know he isn’t talking about pouring it on himself, sweating or pissing his pants) and try not to throw up in your mouth a little.

Real’s liked Rabbit since Day 1. He also implies that Chance isn’t feeling her, which seems like a boldfaced lie. Rabbit wonders if it’s some sort of a trap. Smart girl!

Meanwhile, Ki Ki confronts Real over feeling neglected at dinner.

It is wonderfully insignificant.

And then, in a turn that would seem to corraborate something Real just told Rabbit, she attempts to give him a gift, which she has first of all “wrapped” in a manila envelope…

It turns out to be swim trunks. Chance is not impressed.

It’s hard to say if this is a true sign of him not feeling her, or if Chance is just being…Chance. Perhaps those two things are one in the same.

Chance gets suited up for elimination.

He looks like a Triple Five Soulscout. Cali gets his first chain. Then Real gives his chain to a girl who makes his blood boil:

But during his next turn to give a chain, and all the ones after find him offering it to Rabbit. Again and again she refuses. Perhaps she is afraid of getting burned by his blood. Or other…wetness. His girls become resentful. Bay Bay Bay cries, even.

Wanting to get in on the rejected attempts at swapping girls, Chance offers his chain to K.O., who weeps in response.

K.O. has genuine feelings for Real and can’t accept it. Chance seems actually cool with this, but K.O. belabors the point, throwing a mini-tantrum and proclaiming that she is not a piece of meat who can just get passed back and forth. I would love to see Real and Chance actually eat a piece of meat by passing it back and forth. Alternately, they could start on either end, and work their way to the middle. Anyway, K.O.’s analogy sucks, because if she were a piece of meat, she’d be consumed by now. The guys are treating her more like a volleyball. OK, a tennis ball at worst.

Even though K.O. wails, “Send me home!” she ends up accepting Real’s chain. She’s soup for one, damn it!

Chance’s response to her display, by the way…

…is fab.

It comes down to Rabbit and Meatball. Rabbit says that Chance clearly doesn’t want her since she isn’t already sitting down on his side. Oh Rabbit, get with the program…of suspense and drama. She’s so green, that one. Anyway, when she’s offered the chain, she refuses it. She has fire! Chance eventually convinces her to take it and she shoots him a look.

It’s so hot that she’s asserting herself like this! She grabs the chain, asks if he wants her chain and then throws it on him. She finishes by telling him that she wants breakfast tomorrow. All that little domineering display was missing was a smack on Chance’s ass.

Oh, K.O., by the way, is still freaking out.

She’s squatting and crying. In hay. On reality TV. Whether this counts as a highlight of her life or a nadir purely depends on your point of view. Either way: it’s really something.

And so, for no real reason, Meatball is sent packing.

Maybe it’s because her name was “Meatball?” Even though Chance gave it to her, I wouldn’t put it past him to hold it against her.

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Real Chance of Love show page
Real Chance of Love videos and extras