The Pick-Up Artist 2 Recap – Episode 7


Pickup-san, you have learned well, but for this challenge the student becomes the master.

No sooner had Mystery told the three remaining guys that they have 24 hours to each train a newbie at pickup, than there was a knock-knock-knocking on the front door. These new students, Chuck, Ryan and Darrick, are none other than Matt, Simeon and Greg’s BFFs from back home, and they’re here basically learn how to become Wingmen 4 Life (throw up your W-4-L hand signs! Woo!). The nice thing about having newbies around is that we get a whole new makeover episode, but what’s with all the ominous dun-dun-DUUUNN music? Are we being foreshadowed? Is this makeover going to turn out horribly? What does the future hold for these brave, soon-to-be spray-tanned souls?

First, let’s learn a little about them. Ryan is Simeon’s fraternity brother and old roommate. As Simeon describes it, his current look is like “some guy who just came from the beach…alone”. But if anyone can teach about the merits of facial piercings and the wonder of cocking a hat to the side, it’s Simeon.

Next up, Darrick learns what, exactly, an avatar is from Greg and he explains that the two of them go way back. He remembers Greg as being super shy around people. Aww, not so much anymore! Darrick sort of looks like Greg, too, even though they are friends, not twins. Birds of a feather, I guess.

Then there’s Chuck, Matt’s best friend since middle school. It’s obvious that Matt and Chuck have the same sense of humor and Chuck explains he’s willing to do anything for his makeover except shaving his beard, and in general he wants to “keep the douche level down.” Love him already. To hear the two of them describe a typical night out, what with all their “galavanting” and “adventures” at the “tavern” it sounds more like a ye olde good time than an evening spent scoping out the ladies.

If the idea is to not look douchey, why must they go shopping at the Casa de Rhinestone Skull Hoodies? While our guys all definitely looked new and improved after their original makeovers, there was always one too many fedoras in the room for my taste. So when Simeon starts pulling clothes off the rack for Ryan, including embellished tees, embellished sweats, embellished shoes and embellished jeans, I start to wonder just how much money I would be making, if only I kept my Bedazzler.

“It’s a big improvement,” Ryan tells us of his new look, but my biggest fear is getting stuck behind him at the airport metal detector, the man has been weighed down with so much skull jewelry it’s scary.

Greg tells Darrick that he needs to go for the tight t-shirt look instead of polo shirts, and Matt dresses Chuck in a nice button-down but gets distracted when he finds some…breast implants? In the men’s fitting room?

Post-makeover, Matt tells his friend, “You are a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus, Charles.” Seriously. Love them together.

“If I were Chuck’s mentor, I would have made him pass out and shaved his beard for him,” Simeon tells us as the newbs get their hair done. Chuck gets a “controlled chaos” ‘doo instead, because if the man doesn’t want to lose his beard, no amount of pressure (or forced loss of memory/consciousness, Simeon) would work. Darrick opted for a subtle hair/brow/lash tint and poor Ryan – poooor, poor Ryan was persuaded by Simeon (a.k.a. the Evil Peer-Pressurer) not only to get a Johnny Rotten hairdo but to get his lip pierced. Did anyone NOT cringe when they saw that needle enter his lip? And this guy needs to kiss a girl in the next 24 hours with that newly open wound, too.

Darrick also gets a fake tan applied – for the love of Bowflex, that guy has a body! Greg was worried his friend wouldn’t want to take his shirt off on TV, but it’s safe to say he has no reason to be prudish.

Greg and Matt encounter some trouble with their friends during their lessons, which gives us another dun-dun-DUUUNN moment – more foreshadowing, perhaps? Their buddies don’t seem interested in being a pickup artist which might not come across well in the field test. As Greg tried to teach Darrick his moves, Darrick resisted a bit telling Greg that smiling while he walks through a room feels cheesy and a lot of these steps seem unnatural. Matt, knowing Chuck’s well-honed bullshit-o-meter, tells him “You’ll look at these openers and say ‘No way does any of this stuff work, it doesn’t make sense’, but it works!” and Chuck tells him “I came here to support you, this isn’t something I’m particularly interested in but I wanna give it a shot.”

Simeon and Ryan, however, have an all-night intensive session and Simeon drills Ryan with techniques and tricks of the trade. Last week we had Simeon and Matt’s shirtless confessional, this week we’re treated to Simeon and Ryan getting physical.

“We were getting pretty close. That’s okay, we’ve known each other a while,” Ryan says of all the physical tips he was learning, but when it came to practice kissing, he explained “We’re not that close.” At that moment, Matador walks by the two of them doing a trust test, hand-in-hand and they’re all “Oh, hey, Matador, I didn’t see you there. What’s up? Heh. Awk-ward!”

You know what’s even MORE awkward? Having your friend shave your back on national TV.

The guys joke around as they get ready and Simeon tells Matt “Losing isn’t an option…I feel really bad that I’m gonna destroy you tonight.”

The first to enter the club was Darrick and despite Greg’s best efforts (and despite actually being approached by a girl who tells him he looks lost) he doesn’t take the bait and ends up not closing.

When Chuck enters the club, Matt gets some flack for not convincing Chuck to shave and Matador reasons “He’s either the lovable teddy bear or the serial killer, we don’t know yet.” Ouch. But also, thanks, that gives me an idea for a teddy bear serial killer screenplay. Chuck wanders around and opens a four-set of blondes pretty successfully until he gets the old “I already have a boyfriend line” we girls use liberally as a way to get out of awkward conversations with dudes. He may not have kiss-closed but it was a noble attempt.

Hilariously, as soon as Ryan enters the room, he has the most confidence and the best game of all, but the girl he targets isn’t having it.

Immediately he jumps into another set and number-closes a girl, though he didn’t kiss her, but that still made him the night’s big winner. So much for all that physical practice he and Simeon did on each other. The still shots of it will make a great screen saver for my laptop though. Mystery tells Simeon that his work as a teacher exceeded his expectations and Simeon gets all cocky saying he’s the man to beat.

Now begins the “Two Guys, One Medallion” portion of the show and Mystery tells them that one of them will not be sleeping in the house tonight.Mystery turns the tables on Matt and Greg when, instead of critiquing them, he asked them to critique their friends’ performances. Greg explained that Darrick wasn’t in a good emotional state and wasn’t body rocking, but Mystery was all “When you coached him did you do anything to correct that? You need to be his coach not his cheerleader.” Whoa, Mystery, way to B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.

Mystery told Matt that it was pretty clear Chuck was also an uncomfortable student but he made a good effort, although Mystery doth protest too much when he was like, “I’m not a beard hater. I have nothing against beards,” and then proceeded to rip on Chuck’s beard and wondered why he didn’t opt for cooler facial hair. Soul patches and ironic mustaches aren’t for everyone, Myst, leave our Chuck alone! Tara reasons that Matt has been pushed to the brink throughout the competition and it was his job to push Chuck, but he didn’t.

Despite, as Mystery says, Greg’s “heaps of potential”, it’s game over for our nostril-flaring friend. The rejection gets harder to swallow in these final episodes when quality candidates keep getting sent home, but we’re sure we’ll be seeing Greg again. At least in a Fuzzy Farewell Montage.

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