It’s the final countdown!
Matt and Simeon may have worked well together as wingmen, but they battled each other in the final episode of The Pickup Artist. As they clashed, we had a few questions. Would Simeon’s cowboy hat reign supreme? Would Matt’s boa finally become useful? Could eyebrow piercing triumph over cosmetic dentistry?
It was a tight race, but ultimately Simeon was crowned (crookedly, one assumes) this season’s pickup artist.
First things first. A test of speed and precision was administered to find out who was the (sorry. . .can’t help it) quicker picker upper. Mystery explained that this reward challenge was to see who can kiss-close in the shortest amount of time. “It’s unfortunate that I’ll have to beat one of my best friends in the house in order to win the title,” Simeon said, proving that once again, he’s got a competitive edge that has really shone through in these last episodes. We have to admit that while his “Nobody puts baby in a corner” opener can drives us bonkers, he has some serious game these days. While they’ve all kissed out in the field, they’ve never done so against the clock and that adds to their anxiety, not to mention this is a reward challenge and the winner will have a definite advantage.“The winner of this challenge will not only get mad props from us, but a sweet reward,” Mystery tells the guys after checking what lingo the kids are spouting these days.
Simeon and Matt both work the room in a race against time to see who can score a kiss first. Within five minutes they’re bringing girls to the VIP area to work their magic. Unlike other challenges, the guys were let loose in the club at the same time and were basically going head-to-head in a kiss-off. It could have made for some awkward run-ins with the competition, especially since they sat down right next to each other in the VIP booth. If this was a wacky sitcom, they would have noisily tried to out-do each other and lost the affections of both of their girls, but alas, Growing Pains this is not.
At the 15-minute mark it was an even playing field, but Simeon managed to kiss his target just a little bit faster and won the reward challenge – he closed the deal at 15 minutes and 15 seconds.
Almost simultaneously, Matt was administering a trust test and twenty seconds later was kissing his target, too. So close!
Although Simeon is the true winner, it’s kind of insane that they both scored in less than sixteen minutes. “Being picked up by a pickup artist, when done properly, is a privilege,” Matador says while he’s watching his two protégé’s make out.
After they were both congratulated for their stellar work, we were treated to a Fuzzy Contemplative Montages for Simeon and Matt – normally we see the fuzzy farewell montage at the end of the show, but since no one is being kicked off just yet, the guys were allowed to just reflect on the “before” and “afters” of their lives. In a nutshell, both of them were anxious and insecure and overcame that. I once was lost but now am found, yaddah yaddah, you know how that goes.
After the reward challenge, Mystery comes over to tell the guys that he’s throwing a party at their house tonight, and not only that, he’s only invited girls who are “perfect 10’s.” Now, having seen the movie10,I was pretty sure this meant every girl there would have a gold swimsuit and cornrows – I was wrong. Matt and Simeonhave to pick up one of these 10’s and bring her to their bedroom and, because he was the winner of the reward challenge, Simeon was give the Master suite. Matt got the smaller bedroom (and, pray as I might, it’s just a normal room, not the one with bunk beds that they has all been sharing).
They’re given a brief lesson about how exceptionally beautiful women are people too, and then are told to use a lot of negs to make these hotties comfortable before seducing the crap out of them. They also get to make over their rooms – bonus! I’ve been waiting for this pickup show to include an interior design element. Off to the furniture store they go.
Austin Powers’ shagadelic animal-print bedroom came to mind when I thought about what kind of decor these bachelors might get, and honestly, I almost peed my pants laughing when Simeon actually chose black satin sheets and a zebra bedspread. Every bachelor needs a bed-in-a-bag that looks like wild game.
Matt thoughtfully mulls over his decorating choices and picks up a globe that would work well as a conversation piece, because what gal doesn’t love discussing the 38th parallel and actually having a three-dimensional reference handy?
The night of the party, the guys are given two hours to seduce a girl in their bedroom. Establish a comfort level and safely seduce her, Mystery tells them. Which seems creepy, but okay, that’s what we’ve been leading up to all along. As we all know, the one who does this will win the challenge, $50,000, and the chance to travel with Mystery and his entourage to teach other men the art of pickup.
Matt’s rapport with people serves him well and he easily bounces in and out of conversations, while Simeon acts as Matt’s wingman and proves that his sportsmanship trumps his competitiveness.
Simeon seemed pretty successful with a two-set, he even managed to get them into his room (and one of them complimented his bedding – I guess I stand corrected, chicks dig animal prints) but neither of them wanted to kiss him. Ouch. Matt, too, brought a two-set to his room but after some boring conversation he said, “The window to sexualize it…went out the door.” It’s a window. In a door. Trippy. But Matt wins me back when he’s asked what kind of champagne he’s drinking and replies “Only the most exclusive vintage of André.” Many a night in my youth were spent with André and his $3 vintages.
Simeon brings a limber yogini back to his room for round two of sexytime and manages to kino escalate to a kiss and then some.
Matt manages to bring one of the girls from his two-set back to his room as well and go in for a kiss as well.
The rest of the seduction is (thankfully) left to our imagination.
When Mystery calls them to his chamber, he begins this final elimination by telling them the Mystery Creation Myth. “Many years ago, before I became Mystery, I was Erik von Markovik. I was a scared kid. I cut myself off from the outside world. I was observing life rather than participating in it. I had no purpose. So I decided to do something about it and that’s when I discovered my calling.”
Mystery goes on to analyze the evening’s pickup performances and says “Simeon, I saw in you the PUA mindset. You have the swagger. Matt, here’s what I saw. You eventually saw a way to bring your target back to your room and you eventually got a couple nice kisses there. You could have done more.” Matador also says “Matt, you need to go sexual when the time is right. No apologies. Pull back your shield and reveal it.” Revealyourwhatnow? It’s looking grim for Matt – if only he had pulled this trigger everyone keeps talking about. Mystery tells them that while both of their lives will be rewarded richly because of their experiences on the show, Simeon is the next Pickup Artist.
Matt graciously concedes to his wingman despite having traveled the long road together, but Matt, we’re sure you and your globe will have no trouble in the future. And at the very least, you can go home to Chuck. Tell him we say hi.
Wingmen don’t shake hands, wingmen gotta hug.
Despite being the house spaz with uncontrollable energy (who will forever live in our mind as “Osama Bin Sexy”), Simeon accepts the title of Pickup Artist and says “For once, honestly, I’m at a loss for words.” Then he screamed like crazy and coolly headed back to a pool party full of hot girls like a true pickup artist would.