Yay! More makeovers!
And these are actually good ones!
We open with Kristy Joe sulking by the pool.
She interviews that she feels the need to step it up. She thinks she would have been sent home last elimination were it not for, you know, the plate-throwing, spit-hocking chaos. Thank god for it. This little 30-second excursion could be dubbed Saved by the Loogie and Kristy Joe is totally playing Jessie Spano. She’s so excited! She’s so excited! But more importantly: she’s so…scared.
Later, all the girls sit around the table and Lacey admits that the way she’s been dealing with things might not be the most efficient method.
And, like, no crap. Lacey saying that maybe she’s inefficient is like saying that maybe it’s inefficient to take the helicopter to the mini-mart for a carton of Mores and a pack of Magnums. All of a sudden Lacey’s got carbon-footprint remorse? Or, I don’t know, considering the stank nature of it all, it’s probably more like a buttprint.
Anyway! The girls are not having this and they’re not having it awesomely…
Destiney wonders aloud if Lacey would even bother with such probable theatrics if she still had her minions (i.e. Brandi C., and Megan). Clearly, she’s backed into a corner…and it’s got the buttprint to prove it!
Ponder that one LonleyGirlStankKay.
Today’s lesson is on the much needed subject of anger-managment.
Way to raid the monkey house only after the feces-throwing, show! Riki introduces the girls to this lady…
…whose first order of the day is to show the girls’ behavior right back to them. Since most of them were drunk when the spit hit the fan, they’re about on the level that viewers at home were last week:
Some of the girls are shocked…
…others are amused…
Ha! I love that Kristy Joe is laughing at this! She knows it isn’t that deep! After seeming…scattered at best on Rock of Love 2, it’s so nice to see her head is exactly where it should be: thrown back in a fit of giggles.
The lady says they’ll work out whatever is unresolved via puppets. That’s right: puppet therapy. Because if there’s anything that better for reality TV than drunk, screaming, brawling girls, it’s drunk, screaming, brawling puppets.
We’re introduced to some of the girls’ puppets. A few are at the top of this recap, but here are some more:
And that’s Lacey. But I think we can all agree that her hair doesn’t look nearly as menstrual as it should.
As each girl’s puppet is shown, it is accompanied by an echoing, flashbacky soundclip representative of each personality. As we pan on Brandi C…
…we hear, “A-wooooo-oooh!” And I, for one, am reminded of how much I miss her. I was looking forward to a forever filled with poles she could drunkenly bash her head on. Stay gold, Hornygirl.
The girls are, of course, kind of amused at the nature of this exercise. Destiney interviews that she hasn’t played with puppets since she was 5, “but hey, I’m willing to try new things.” Old ones, too, apparently.
The first pupp-atic recreation will be of the spitting incident. Lacey sheepishly volunteers to play Brandi C., and Destiney plays herself.
Somehow, it’s a lot less iconic.
Next up is Lacey and Heather’s extended argument about fame and the menacing nature of ceramic.
We learn a few things:
- Heather seems to have no remorse about classifying herself as “A-list,” since she reads the “I am, bitch” line without so much as batting an eye.
- Quite awesomely, she followed up, “I am, bitch” with, “You’re the motherf***er that’s…stank-ass.” Because obviously stank-ass motherf***ery banishes Celebreality stars to C-list, at most.
- Heather is, in her words, “the one that has the heart.” Because there’s just one in all of Hollywood, and damn it, VH1 needs her. God knows this channel’s arteries are clogged with negativity and décolletage. To be fair, it does seem that by referring to herself as “the one that has the heart,” she’s giving a broad sketch of her character within this universe instead of the universe. And if that’s the case, and Heather is indeed speaking relatively, she’s right: she’s on the upper echelon of the lower rung of stardom.
They discuss the state of their relationship. Heather thinks that when Lacey saw that she wasn’t coming into scheme, but to actually learn from the experience, Lacey had no use for her and thus they fell out. They start arguing about this point, that Heather wouldn’t be Lacey’s puppet, and the lady says that they should talk this out via their puppets. What irony!
They do, and Lacey apologizes and in the most bizarre moment of genuine affection since, “I’m comin’, sweetie. I’m bringing you pizza!” Heather’s puppet kisses Lacey’s.
Yes! Sock-on-sock action comes to VH1 at long last!
So that’s sweet. Now that they’ve gotten the catharsis ball rolling, Riki polls them on their outstanding resentments. Kristy Joe and Heather still have problems with Lacey. Destiney wonders aloud why Kristy Joe is still there. We’ll soon find out! Riki says that for their challenge this week, they’ll be writing songs and poems about a particular person in the house that they have negative feelings about. They’ll perform this in front of a group. Cue mass wincing because everyone’s shy all of a sudden. That’s all right girls: just get drunk beforehand. That always helps things along nicely, if you haven’t noticed.
The writing begins!
And ends. The girls are carted to a theater, where the expressive and entertainment factors of their creative works will be judged by the usuals, as well as this dude:
There is a chair onstage so that the recipient of the performer’s ire will be on display. It is not marked “Lacey,” but it could be. Brandi M., is the first to go:
Her poem goes…
This poem is to
The woman with the red hair who seems to never care
Has the coldest eyes I have ever seen
Always manipulating someone like me
You make me so mad
I wanna tear off this scab
With all your lies
With your sneaky, evil, devilish eyes
I loathe you just like the bugs under my covers
The woman with the red hair
Always with the evil, devilish snare
Snare? Is she commenting on Lacey’s devil drum or does she mean “sneer”? Brandi M., is either touching on coy music criticism or she’s just wrong. [Edited to add: Or maybe, as suggested in the comments, she means “trap,” which is completely plausible and therefore a lot less fun.] Also: I hope she gets those bedbugs taken care of.
Jessica performs wearing a holster-esque vest. It would not surprise me to find out that wardrobe inherited this as a hand-me-down from Chance.
Her poem (presumably in part) goes:
You’re wasting everybody’s time with your lies and your deceit
It’s time to look inside yourself, and I wonder what you’ll see
The worst mistake you could make
Is to make my kindness for weakness
Jessica concludes her poem by throwing it on the ground and then projecting her gravitas to the crowd:
Way to stick it to that paper, Jess! You’ve just made forests worldwide quake at the notion of mistaking your kindness weakness.
Next up is Kristy Joe…
Her spoken-word piece goes:
Oh Lacey oh Lacey
That you need Charm School
And that is just not cool
Oh Lacey oh Lacey
Or should I say Tracey?
You act like you have
KJ uses her bongos to punctuate her final sentiment…
And, really, if not for punctuation, what good are bongos?
Destiney is next and she is awesome.
Her riot-grrrl-gone-acoustic ditty goes:
Yes I see your evil ways almost everyday
With your following friends, oh crazy Lacey
When will this madness eh-eh-eh-eh-ennnnnd?
Then you say you wanna change
But there you are
In the middle agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!
When you start the chaos in the house
I want to punch you in your f***in’ mouth!
Following a long line of punctuators, Destiney concludes with a kick:
Combined with the “Ugh!” I do believe that makes this the best end of a song I’ve heard since Rodeo and Mia’s “Let’s Love Right,” from Rock of Love 1, which concluded with them clapping, raising their hands and shouting, “Rock!” In any case, Destiney’s song, which I’ll call “Eh-eh-eh-eh-ennnnnd,” is an instant classic in the Rock of Love canon.
When Heather’s name is called, Lacey’s ready to take her post…
Except she’s wrong! Heather announces that the subject of her poem is Jessica. Except, it’s not a poem it’s, in Heather’s words, “Kind of a…haiku, if you will. A series of haikus.”
I will, but only if you scrub my mind of the concept of syllables as they relate to haikus, as there is very little consideration given to them in Heather’s “series of haikus” after the fourth line. I guess Heather got tired? Whatever. They go:
Facade of a doll
With the schooling of NASA
Oh, sweet Jessica.
Here for a backbone
Yet there already seems to be one there
Why the hell are you here?
Bossy, controlling, s***’s not getting past me.
Sharon? Well, maybe.|
I am no angel.
Owning my mistakes.
The real me.
When asked by Sharon how she feels about this plot twist, Jessica says that she wishes that Heather would have talked to her before, you know, putting her elusive backbone on blast. Heather’s response is that she’s here to cleanse her heart, body and soul. She’s going upwards, whereas Jessica…isn’t. Hrm.
With NASA-induced wit, Jessica interviews:
“I am very surprised that Heather would place any judgment on me, since unlike Heather, I don’t throw plates at people’s head, I have a grip on my anger, and I’m not a dirty whore. Sorry, I have a lot of anger towards Heather right now.”
Well, at least no one’s going to mistake this kindness for weakness! Also: WTF? Jessica explicitly said last episode that Heather didn’t throw the plate at Lacey’s head, but at the wall. I guess she’s mad at Heather for throwing her under the bus (or under the plate, if you will) especially after she stepping up to defend Heather, but that whole backbone thing is as dubious as ever.
Finally, it’s Lacey’s turn to go.
Her song is about Heather and it’s long. I’m not transcribing it, so just listen to it. It’s Juliana Hatfield-esque, which means that there’s still plenty of time to ship her to Pittsburgh and have her become some high school sophomore’s Christmas angel. Now that’s a penance I’d like to see, but mostly because after all this time, I still miss My So-Called Life.
Anyway, her song ends with her voice breaking at the lines, “My dear friend, I’m the one who’s messed things up / The one I’m disappointed in is me.” Also she cries real human tears!
Or at least, that’s what the scowling would have you believe. But at least she’s owning up to her assiness! That’s a plus. A weeping Heather thinks so, too.
Her five-second journey into musical and emotional criticism goes finds her “sad, because she made good points and she feels remorse at the same time.” Good points and remorse? That’s an unbeatable combination, like chocolate and peanut butter, rain and parades, feet and odor, Brandi C., and facial soot. For her part, Lacey says that she’s “heartbroken,” because she didn’t realize that she raised such ire in people.
Seriously? That’s like a masseuse not realizing that she raised the penis of the dude on her table. I thought the entire point of Lacey’s Celebreality existence was to get people riled up and have them eliminate themselves? Not to rain on this parade of reconciliation or anything. It’s sweet, really. Lacey compliments everyone’s good points and everything!
Oh, and Brandi M., wins for being powerful or something.
Back on the bus, Jessica makes the mistake of telling Heather that she understands where she’s coming from. Heather reiterates her points, though the jury’s out on whether they’re actually good. She adds, “I think you’re perfect, dude. I look up to you. I really, really do. You have it all.” To which Jessica replies…
Without a sheet of paper to slap around, this girl is powerless. You have to wonder why Heather is saying all of this now. If Jessica doesn’t need to be there on Episode 8, she didn’t need to be there on Episode 1, you know? Sure, the girls were given an explicit opportunity to dissect the worth of one of their competitors, but Heather doesn’t exactly strike me as the type to sit on her raging hands, waiting for the opportunity to extend her claws. Or, depending on the reunion, her fists. Anyway! Speaking of possible opportunism, the other girls (namely Lacey and Destiney) back Heather up, explaining to Jessica why she doesn’t need to be there. Tears follow and Destiney interviews, “Jessica’s upset because we don’t think she’s a train wreck…and she wants us to think she is. I think.” Seems astute to me, and it just goes to show how hierarchy works in the upside down world of reality TV.
We then see Jessica in an OTF, in which she cries over the fact that people are “makin’ judgments” about her. Again: topsy turvy reality.
At home, Jessica talks on a balcony about the ordeal with one of the girls who didn’t verbally pummel her, Kristy Joe. Heather catches wind of this and pokes her head out.
She more or less berates Jessica for “bawling” about the “55 compliments” she has lavished upon her. But it’s the you-don’t-need-to-be-here one that hurts the most! Lacey marches in, attempting to break the tension with ice cream.
That is so Stepford Wife. Her supreme excellence Kristy Joe is not having it. She recaps: “I think Lacey is definitely trying to win friends, ’cause she has no one in an alliance with her anymore. And so she’s like, ‘Oh, look I’m so sweet. Here’s some ice cream. It’s all poisoned. I love you! You’re all gonna die!’” Couldn’t have said it better.
The girls receive a note from Sharon saying that it’s clear to her that the girls are calling to question Kristy Joe’s and Jessica’s continued existence in this competition. She tells them to discuss it and choose the girl who’s evolving the least. Which: come on. That’s not how school works. You aren’t graded on an improvement curve. It’s not Kristy Joe’s and Jessica’s fault that they have little to evolve from. Topsy-turviness strikes again!
So the girls discuss this matter that is ultimately none of their business. You can’t spell “self-improvement” without your own brain. Best to focus on that, you know? Anyway, Jessica mostly stammers non-defenses. Kristy Joe says that she needs to stay because she’s been accepted to school but can’t pay for it and the prize money would help her. Plausible, as it would continue her improvement. Not that anyone cares! Additionally, Kristy Joe says that she feels that she’s letting her guard down for visible change. Jessica whines that she just doesn’t want to go. She stammers some more.
Now she is a train wreck. Aw, wish granted! It couldn’t be more beautiful if it were delivered by Santa Claus himself…or maybe Juliana Laceyfield.
The general consensus is that Jessica’s fine with or without Charm School, Kristy Joe probably won’t get much out of it and everyone hates Lacey and this new-leaf-turning-over thing seems questionable, at best. Kristy Joe explains her guardedness, that she even held back at today’s challenge. When she’s asked why, she says…
…”Because I want people to like me.” God, that’s heartbreaking. Kristy Joe is extremely articulate about matters of the heart. And in a completely different way than when she was sobbing to Bret. Ugh, it’s all so frustrating that I don’t even want to go on!
But I will: Jessica’s trying and learning and blah blah blah. Lacey feels like an atheist who’s discovered Jesus and bwah-ha-ha. Through it all, Heather is disapproving…
…and hee hee hee.
And then, for not doing well during challenges, Kristy Joe gets the boot. :(
Seriously, just :(.
Also! Kristy Joe wasn’t the name the girls sent to Sharon at the end of their enforced judgment. That was Jessica, and Sharon agrees with the choice. So she’s going home, too.
“I guess I wanted to think you didn’t have to be a train wreck to win. But I was wrong,” interviews Jessica. I suppose it’s too late to tell her: welcome to reality TV.