Rock Of Love Charm School Recap – Episode 9 – Oh My Heather

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It’s time to face the…

…face.

And here’s another one – :(

Commandment!

In response, Lacey interviews, “Well, I do know that I art sort of a bitch, and I art sort of conniving and manipulative, but I’m trying to, art, be nice, so I think I know who I art.” Lacey, you’re a real piece of work. Thou art art, even.

The girls are introduced to:

Obviously, today’s lesson is going to be about connecting with the audience and putting your best face forward. If it’s very early in the morning, this undoubtedly involves wearing sunglasses, but the girls already know that. It’s like the house’s supreme commandment: Thou Shalt Rock Sunglasses ‘Til Made Up.

Dawn polls the girls on the second question you can see written on the board: misconceptions people may have about them.

Brandi M., sometimes comes off as a bitch. Destiney has been called trashy or slutty. Heather’s known for being a hard-ass. Lacey’s reputation is that of a mean, emotionless girl. “Bitchy” and “intimidating” are also thrown around. Sounds like the girls are avid message-board readers!

The next exercise involves the girls filling out this pie chart…

…to rate their satisfaction in each category.

Brandi M., goes first:

In response to Brandi M.’s meager sexual satisfaction level, Heather is not amused:

Don’t just sit there scowling, Heather. Help a sister out!

Then Destiney goes…

…she also rates her sex a 1, exclaiming, “Don’t have any!” And here, it’s hard to tell if any refers to satisfaction or actual sex. It seems like she’s referring to the latter, which starts the ball rolling on Heather’s episode-long meltdown. Heather interviews that Brandi M., and Destiney are probably the most promiscuous girls she knows, especially Destiney. And while that very well could be true, doesn’t the whole “my body my choice” rule apply here? Certainly not for the sake of reality TV, but for the sake of friendship? Or just basic decency?

Heather goes next and she rates her sex life a 3, adding that she’s not going to write a 1 “because that’s absurd.”

Destiney and Brandi M., sense the implication immediately.

But this being VH1, no amount of obviousness is obvious enough until it’s completely spelled out. Heather tells Dawn that Brandi M.’s and Destiney’s claims about their sex lives aren’t true. Brandi M., asks how Heather knows this and it’s because she’s talked to them. She cites a hook-up Destiney recently had in Hawaii, and the Entertainer and Heat before that. Destiney interviews that her sex life is hers and private. Indeed: hers, private and an I Love Money subplot. It all makes sense. Anyway, this isn’t supposed to be a promiscuity test — it’s about satisfaction, which means these girls could rate 10 if they’ve had sex with 10,000 people or no one at all, depending on their taste. Even though Heather’s sentiments would be best reserved for a bathroom wall, you can kinda see where her frustration is coming from, given the $100,000 at the end of the tunnel. Regardless, Dawn basically tells her to MYOB and to drop it now. It’s great advice and not just from a branding perspective — if only Heather did that, she might have had a fighting chance to stay in this competition.

Riki then announces that in this week’s challenge, they’ll design a T-shirt for Christian Audigier’s Smet line, and the winning entry will be picked up and sold nationwide. Time to get those creative juices flowing!

Or something! Speaking of bathroom-wall material, Heather reiterates that she knows about Destiney’s sex life and that Destiney’s claims just weren’t true.

Destiney, who’s just clearly hurt, says that how she judges herself is her business.

Then, Heather wipes.

The fight extends into the bedroom, where Heather yells at Destiney to stop playing victim and then accuses her of having “flip-flopped friendships” on her. Gee, I can’t imagine why. Then Lacey comforts Destiney, and all that’s missing is the Twilight Zone theme song.

This goes on…

…and on…

…and on to the point where Lacey becomes a mediator (Lacey!), telling Heather that she thought they were all past this sort of nonsense.

Well, she thought wrong. Heather says that she doesn’t trust Lacey and that Lacey’s being fake. She’s not buying the Pippi Changedstockings bit. Also: Heather feels attacked. That’s like fire resenting an extinguisher.

Outside, Brandi M., Lacey and Destiney talk about Heather’s superiority routine despite the fact that she’s going against, like, all of the commandments they’ve learned. Heather walks out wearing what’s probably Bret Michaels’ cowboy hat, a crown of superiority in this house if ever there were.

Not fit to stop at Destiney and Lacey, Heather says that Brandi M.’s behavior “really brings red flags to me.” I hope it twirls them while it does that, just for the entertainment factor. Heather brings up “the dog thing,” meaning Brandi M.’s assertion that she was allergic to dogs when Megan was in the house, which we now find out was untrue.

The girls share a tense bus ride to the Smet design office, where they’re paired with an expert who will help them design their shirts in the one-and-a-half-hour deadline.

The girls get to work. Lacey wants a shirt that combines her love of animals, the human race and the earth.

Essentially, her look could be described as “wearable tote bag.” If you pledge just $500 to VH1′s Save the Hussies campaign, this can be yours.

Destiney wants to pay tribute to her dearly departed father via her design. Brandi M., becomes taken with an octopus that will incorporate into her design.

And as for Heather, she becomes taken with…

…herself. Riki told the girls that the shirt should be a reflection of themselves, but it’s truly doubtful that he meant that literally.

As if Heather’s computer has a great great sense of poetic justice, it crashes.

Doesn’t this happen, like, every single time a computer is used in a challenge on any of these shows? Celebreality is haunted by a ghost in the shell.

After rebooting, Heather scrambles to get her ego back on her T-shirt.

It’s nice to see that they did away with the flag. You don’t want it to have to compete with the bedazzled hair. That would be just tacky.

At home, Lacey, Destiney and Brandi M., sit Heather down for one last attempt at peace, which is big of them, considering how much she’s offended each of them in the past day.

Heather sits down…

…sticks by her story that the other girls are liars, and then gets right back up because she feels attacked when Lacey says, “Well, that’s not what you said yesterday.” As Heather walks away, the girls still attempt to connect with her, pleading with her to come back to work things out. But Heather won’t. And you know, she’s clearly holding onto her conviction, but I thought when it came to playing the game of reality TV, she was smarter than this. As far as branding goes, this fail is becoming more epic by the scene.

Case in point:

Brandi M., then sits alone with Heather, figuring that she can maybe connect one-on-one and that Heather won’t feel so threatened. Apparently, she does because Heather calls Brandi M., out on perceived dishonesty. Heather says she’s allergic to dogs for real, but she just sucked it all up and took her allergy medication. Which she undoubtedly keeps in Bret Michaels’ hat. Heather, who sounds like she’s going to expose Brandi M.’s lie, says, “You would have went through this whole thing without telling Sharon if I wouldn’t have said anything. And that’s not being charming!” She’s clearly an expert in the art and craft of charm, herself.

It’s T-shirt time!

The girls will be judged by none other than…

…and his partner-in-Smet:

Hallyday looks like Sigfried crossed with Roy crossed with a white tiger. He’s a one-man Vegas show. No wonder he’s the King of Rock and Roll in France.

The girls begin their shirt presentations.

Brandi M., says she chose an octopus to represent herself because octopi regenerate arms that they loose and she feels that she’s losing stuff and growing back others or whatever. Another similiarity: octopi look really hot in plaid skirts.

Destiney’s shirt is inspired by her dad’s passing. It represents him as her guardian angel, as well as him rocking out with all the people who’ve died. Even 2Pac and Biggie? There’s also a phoenix angle she gets in there, though it’s hard to say what ashes she’s rising from. Definitely not I Love Money hook-ups, though.

Lacey continues her pledge drive.

And then, there is Heather.

She explains that she is looking down on the shirt because of things that she’s done in her past.

Is designing a T-shirt with her face on it one of those things? The other girls find this Heathercentric fashion turn shocking.

Heather goes on to propose a yearlong campaign of Heatherfaced merch. “Why not start off doing this an in a few months, do another one?” she wonders with precision suggesting she had this idea before anyone gave her the OK to actually verbalize it. And then, just in case the self-investment is unclear, she adds, “After watching this and seeing, you know, my path in life on TV. My fans or people that look up to me, they can get a piece of that and they can feel that. Does that make sense?” In a word: ehhh…

Christian and his feline companion evaluate the designs. They are subtitled more than anyone on this channel since Frenchie, and they are basically just as hilarious. I’m including as much of that as possible here.

Christian wonders why the guitar on Destiney’s shirt is upside down. But the king of the jungle points out…

…that the guitar on his shirt is upside down. Really, though, I think Frenchelvis just wanted the excuse to touch his buddy. Anyway, apparently upside down is right side up when it comes to putting guitars on T-shirts. It would seem that the world of T-shirts is as topsy turvy as that of reality TV. Who knew?

The discussion on Brandi M.’s shirt can be summed up thusly:

But merely summing it up wouldn’t be very much fun, so here’s the extended session of taking liberties with English and the female anatomy:

Fascinated yet?

Pretty much!

Sharon says that she likes this sweatshirt because her daughter has a tattoo of an anchor with rope around it. Pfft. My mother has an octopussy, and you don’t see me clamoring for this nautical hoodie of questionable unisexuality.

On Lacey’s design, the octopussy liker says he would have rathered…

Lacey, hypersensitive animal activist that she is, seems genuinely offended that Boy Frenchie referred to the animal as a “beast.”

Oh Lacey, better him than you.

And finally, there is Heather.

Heather explains that she was inspired by the Ed Hardy shirt that features a tiger’s head, so that her shirt is “kind of like the tiger but instead my face.”

Hallyday says he doesn’t think it’s for them. You don’t say! Perhaps he feels threatened: there’s room for just one cat person in here, and that slot’s his! Heather gets kind of desperate and mentions the computer crash, but god, can you imagine what this shirt would look like if it hadn’t?

Not that Heather agrees — she interviews that she still likes her shirt. Well, at least her self-esteem is healthy, you know?

Sharon narrows her choices down to Destiney and Brandi, and Destiney is ultimately named the winner.

And she’s been raving about Ed Hardy all episode and clearly so into this challenge and so ultimately thrilled at the news that it’s really nice to see her win.

Heather doesn’t think so, it seems. We see her on the phone, talking about how she wants to leave.

Sham goes on to remind her that she has it in her to win this because she has a college degree. Most likely not in graphic or fashion design, though. Heather explains the situation this way: “If I leave, I might disappoint and offend Sharon. If I don’t, I might have a heart attack and die. You know, it’s like damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Or, damned if you do, die if you don’t. And seriously? A heart attack?

Heather resolves to go see Sharon.

Sharon immediately asseses Heather as a “mess.” That’s being polite, really. Heather rattles off a string of incoherent recollections and wisdom. Highlights include, “How can you win the Olympics doing steroids?” and “Blah blah blah blah blah with blah blah blah blah blah.” On one hand, it’s nice to hear some Heatherisms as this series has been sadly devoid of them. On the other, it’s kind of sucky that it took such an obviously trying time to get to them.

KEVIN!

(Sorry, at Christmastime, even the most tangential Home Alone reference is irresistible to me.)

Sharon tells Heather to keep her head down, meaning that she shouldn’t pay attention to what the other girls are doing. “Keep your head up,” might be better advice, but whatever. Sharon asks Heather to send in the other girls.

They tell Sharon about Heather’s criticism over the way they represented their sexual history. Destiney’s assessment that two or three partners equals a one on the satisfaction scale is broken down hilariously by Sharon: “I’m no math whiz, but if two to three partners in six months equals one percent satisfied and you take that times two and multiply it by 99, then to be 100 percent satisfied, Destiney would have to be really, really busy.” Despite the fact that it was a scale of 1 to 10, which means that Destiney would be 10 percent satisfied and that you’d actually multiply it by 100 if it were 1 percent anyway, you can see Sharon’s point. And hey, she did say that she’s not a math whiz.

Also, Brandi M., confesses about her allergy lie. “What a f***ing little actress you are!” Sharon responds and Brandi says, “Noooooo!”

What did she want? A cookie? A refund on her Claritin?

Sharon wonders if Brandi told her this because she was inclined to or because she thought Heather was going to. Brandi says she just didn’t want the dog thing hanging over her head anymore. Ah, the unbearable heaviness of being someone who lied episodes ago about allergies. Sharon says that Heather, in fact, did not tell her about this, which: HA! Not that it ends up mattering during…

ELIMINATION!

All the girls except Destiney get pulled to the carpet. Heather’s having a hard time being amongst liars. Lacey says it’s always, “You guys, you guys, you guys,” which is at least a new spin on “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” mentality. Heather agrees with this and says, “Yes!”

Heather apologizes for being out of sorts; this is the longest she’s gone without smoking pot in 10 years.

Well, that explains her quesionable Rock of Love choices and her I Love Money mellowness, right? And indeed, Heather’s eyes are wild and wide enough to prove that she isn’t stoned.

Sharon says that she can tell that something’s not right with Heather, and Heather agrees, saying, “I just live in a house of liars.” Ugh, stop now while you still have the chance!

But, of course, she doesn’t. Sharon says the best gift she can give Heather is expulsion. Really? That’s better than $100,000?

Sharon says that Heather needs help, although she doesn’t get specific. What kind of help? Rehab? Anger management? A dealer who works nights? Regardless, we next get true poignancy set to “Taps.” A flashback comes on of Sharon saying, “Don’t f*** up, Heather,” from the first episode and Heather answering, “I won’t.”

And it just reminds you of all the promise Heather’s always had to deliver good TV and be generally kick-ass and how far she slid from that, especially during the course of this episode. It’s just sad to see her struggling — she’s the human equivalent of turning the lights on to abruptly end the party.

On her way out, Heather hugs Brandi M., and it’s nice to see that not every connection of hers has been severed.

In her exit interview, Heather explains that she needs to figure herself out before she can do anything.

As long as she keeps her self-discovery and T-shirts separate, I’m rooting for her still.

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Rock of Love Charm School show page
Charm School videos and extras

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