Ladies and gentlemen, we have winner!
She’s cool, calm and now gas-free. And that’s a good thing…?
Here we are. Face to face.
A trio of silver spoons. By the end of this recap, only one will be polished enough to nab the honor of Charm School graduate. The others? Back in the reality drawer to rust. Lacey’s hair color suggests that she’s on her way.
Not to spoil her mid-episode elimination or anything!
Sharon has with her Sid, who runs Rock and Wrap It Up, which totally sounds like a safe-sex advocacy campaign.
But no, silly. A leather daddy extolling the virtues of condoms? As if! Rock and Wrap It Up is actually an organization that feeds the homeless with food left behind in dressing rooms after concerts. A brilliantly simple idea.
Sid is, in fact, full of brilliantly simple ideas.
Too. Many. Joke. Possibilities. Considering. The. Cast. And. Leather.
Anyway, as the girls soak in all this info…
…both Destiney and Brandi M., interview about growing up on welfare and their humanity seriously just rushes in. That’s pretty crazy, this being a reality show and all.
Sharon explains to the girls how this lesson will apply to their final challenge: they’re going to be setting up booths on Hollywood Boulevard (getting…harder…to…resist…”giving with your head” joke…), and asking the public for donations (harder still!). The girl who grosses the highest in donations will be exempt from expulsion and automatically enter into the Final 2. However, Sharon explains that “working alone is a lot tougher than working on a team.” And more boring! For that reason, the girls will be teamed with…
…expelled students, who just happen to be their arch-nemeses! Heather’s here to help Lacey.
Megan’s here for Brandi M., though her boobs are here for all the horny boys (and girls!) watching.
And Brandi C., is here to help her spitee, Destiney. After all, nothing goes with charity better than institutionalized drama! Sharon announces that she hopes the girls can put aside their differences and focus on the task at hand. Lies! If ever there were an antithesis to the Care Bear stare…
…surely that is it.
Sharon gives the girls 10 minutes to strategize. Despite wondering if Heather was going to give homeless people a lap dance (which is taking a jab at the service industry, and so not cool), Lacey seems amenable to working with Heather.
Heather kind of murmurs, “I don’t wanna fight. It’s charity,” in the most Valerie Cherish way imaginable. The two and a half seconds she’s spent outside Charm School seem to have replenished her capacity for endearment.
Speaking of endearment…
…there’s none to be found here. Megan interviews that she’s here to sabotage, and recommends dressing Brandi M., up as a homeless person. I feel like before, she would have just called Brandi M., homeless, so her assumption that Brandi would need to undergo some sort of transformation to look homeless seems like progression. We’re all growing and learning in Charm School.
The girls set up their begging booths on Hollywood Boulevard.
The scene is so Pretty Woman, I can smell the vinyl boots. Only a Lotus and Cinda-f***in’-rella would be needed to really complete the picture. Anyway, the girls are on the lookout for specific items, which have all been assigned dollar values by the judges (or whoever).
The begging game begins.
Brandi C., kind of just waves her paper in the air at first and goes, “Charity.”
No one obliges. Perhaps they think it’s a personal request and not on behalf of, you know, the homeless.
Megan immediately gets to sabotaging. She has someone put donated water in the wrong place entirely and she has a store owner place some items in Lacey’s collection bin. Brandi M., not being an idiot, sees what’s happening and corrects the problem.
At least in part: Megan gleefully reports that she didn’t get all of the wayward items. Not content with simplicity, Megan has a multi-pronged conniving plan in place. Her next initiative is to collect pens, the item on the list that yields the least amount of pay-off.
And even though she’s totally just doing this to be a jerk, collecting pens is no small feat. You know how possessive people get about your pens. I mean, would you give yours up to a woman wearing a dress with a built-in bellybutton window?
And then there is Lacey.
We see her doing relatively well, but that all goes to hell as time goes on and more people reject her pleas for charity.
“You can’t even buy one toothbrush to help a homeless person? You don’t like homeless people? Is that what it is?” I mean, does anyone like homeless people? We may pity them or even empathize, but if we actually liked them, chances are they wouldn’t be homeless anymore, you know? Lacey also berates a woman walking into a bike shop with, “You’re gonna go buy yourself a bike, but you don’t care about homeless people? Nice, lady.”
This woman points out the folly in yelling at people as means of asking for their help. Instead of taking a second to realize that you catch more flies with honey than raving, Lacey only rages harder. This whole crazy-activist-lady-on-the-street thing is coming waaaaay too naturally to her. Keep the red paint and baby seals away from this one.
Megan poses with fans.
Sometimes, so do her boobs. This seems like an occupational hazard if ever there were. In contrast, we see Brandi M., hustling and eventually securing a winter coat from some weirdo who’s wearing it in Los Angeles. In May. WTF?
Brandi C., meanwhile, calls out to people: “Do you guys have a minute for charity? It’s for charity.” At least she’s thorough. She also asks a family if they “really need” the stroller they’re pushing their child in. Perhaps Brandi C., believes that strollers are as expendable and frivolous as common sense.
Back at the house, Riki and Daniella reveal the results.
First up is Lacey, whose collection added up to…
She’s happy enough to dance in response.
That’s the true philanthropy of the situation. Money is temporary; dances most often seen being done by drunk aunts at weddings are forever, thanks to the animated gif. A fine invention it is, that animated gif.
Destiney took in…
…which bums her out. Although it’s important to note that she and Brandi C., collected 66 tampons. Thank god — we wouldn’t want the homeless bleeding on their clean white pants, right?
Finally, there is Brandi M., who would seem to have been sabotaged by Megan. Indeed, Brandi M.’s partner-cum-adversary collected a total of 53 ballpoint pens. And she lost them all in her weave. Anyway, Riki reveals Brandi M.’s final tally and it is…
Brandi M., wins! She’s so excited and Megan is so…
…not. At least what you see is what you get with Megan. Here, see closer, get closer:
I love her “Foiled again…for the first time!” vibe.
So Brandi M., is safe at tonight’s elimination, while Destiney and Lacey will be called to the carpet. From there, Riki berates Lacey for yelling at people in the challenge. He calls it the “biggest mistake in Charm School history,” as though this show had existed for more than a month at this point in shooting. And really, it wasn’t bigger than cameltoe or Raven’s wig-weave. It wasn’t even as big a mistake as enrolling Kristy Joe and Jessica who supposedly didn’t need Charm School in the first place. Just following the show’s logic! Sharon says she understands Lacey’s furor. How…foreshadowing.
Destiney, on the other hand, was nonchalant during the day’s lesson, according to Sharon. Destiney doesn’t understand what she’s talking about, but maybe because she wasn’t paying attention. Destiney lashes out, calling out the season’s worth of bad behavior from Lacey.
Lacey argues that her passion was community outreach, whereas Destiney’s was T-shirt designing, which is selfish. Maybe Destiney’s definition of outreach includes outfitting. The only difference is some cotton, you know? Lacey pleads to stay, claiming that she’s changing and happier. However, her behavior today proved that she isn’t changing — when she didn’t get what she wanted, she grabbed. Lacey is going home.
Lacey gets ranty during her exit interview, assuring us she’s keeping the Evil Lacey inside of her for people like that non-giving bitch on Hollywood Boulevard today. Is she doing it out of vigilante duty or in hopes of a possible spin-off? Only time will tell.
That means we have a Top 2!
God, girls, don’t look so exited.
The next day, they sit outside and discuss their status as Top 2. They’re surprised but happy to be there. You’d think they weren’t on a reality show with all this original sentiment bubbling to the surface.
They receive a note from Sharon inviting them to her place for lunch. They’re so excited. Meanwhile, their Top 2 counterparts in previous Rock of Love seasons got to go to Cabo and all they had to do was accept Bret Michaels’ tongue in their throats. Doesn’t seem fair.
They get to Sharon’s beach house and are amazed by its beauty.
Sharon says she’s rarely at this house, but that Jack uses it for his “love den.” I’m pretty sure that’s none of her business and I’m certain it’s none of mine — don’t fill my head with images, lady. Anyway, they take a nice walk on the beach…
…and then they eat lunch, during which Brandi and Destiney beg Sharon to tell of her courtship with Ozzy, as though Behind the Music and the E! True Hollywood Story never existed. Seriously girls, get a TiVo. Or Wikipedia. During this meal, they talk about their plans. Destiney wants to start an eco-friendly clothing line or open an Ed Hardy store in Maui. Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before? Thank god for the Charm School challenges, inspiring one franchise at a time. Sharon gives them a final assignment: write speeches about why they think they should win. Back at home, the girls get to work:
When that’s done, the girls receive another note, notifying them that Sharon has chosen their final expulsion wardrobe.
And actually, she did a great job, as both of the girls haven’t looked better all season.
Destiney’s dress is especially flattering, particularly in the décolletage area. Thank you Charm School, for teaching me what that word means and for making me care about it more than I ever thought I could.
One last commandment:
Aw. I think I’ll miss the glimmers most of all.
The girls read their speeches. First up is Destiney, who used to get angry when she drank and used naked cartwheels to make herself feel cool (damn Heather!). Her father’s death made her realize how precious life is, however. There were times toward the beginning of this series that she reverted back the old Destiney, but her non-violent reaction to Brandi C.’s spit showed her and the rest of the world (or at least, the segment of it that watches this show) that she’s changing. Now she knows she doesn’t need to use her body to get what she wants. A design passion has awoken and she’s become a lady. In that order!
Brandi M., on theh other hand puked, burped, farted, did porn and stripped. She doesn’t say if she did it all at once, but let’s hope not. She’s finally figured herself out to the point where she doesn’t even need her note cards! She tears them up and speaks from the heart, explaining that she didn’t used to care about herself, but thanks to Charm School, has learned to stand up and be a classy lady. She won’t lock herself in a room for days, for you see, negative Brandi has died!
It’s time to crown the graduate or however they do in these parts. Sharon steps forward, revealing a dress that is almost too vast for the frame.
It’s kind of like if a fish mated with a garbage bag and then devoted the life of its offspring to being fashion.
Sharon sort of waves the diploma under their noses.
And she quickly hands it over to Brandi M.
Brandi M., is the first Rock of Love Charm School grad!
She and Destiney embrace and it’s as calm and good-natured as you’d expect from previously wild women.
Before she leaves, Daniella offers Destiney an internship at her jeans company, Frankie B. It isn’t $100,000 or even $100, but hey, it’s better than nothing!
Brandi M., celebrates outside.
It’s all a big relief/release for her, and one that doesn’t require her to say, “Excuse me” after. What a beautiful change, indeed.