There’s just something about Rock of Love…
Wait, what season is this again?
Indeed, in this third go-round for Bret, we’ll watch him literally going ’round…the country, that is, as he tours with his solo band and a group of girls competing amongst themselves to be his one and only. Or whatever.
After a montage of the reality thorns in Bret’s rose, he explains to us, “Only one woman can truly be my rock of love…three.” Ah, honesty.
He meets his potential rocks/thorns at a bar in Louisville, KY. Never having visited the Slugger capital of the country, I can still say with confidence that this seems utterly appropriate.
We get early words from some of the girls. Brittanya reports…
“I’m everything I think a guy would want, actually. I’m different, I’m cool, I’m fun. I’m a little bit not too smart, but it’s OK!” “A little bit not too smart?” How wonderful to find a girl who believes in both telling and showing.
Gia (on the right) is into bondage, while Mindy (on the left) wonders aloud, “What the blonde bimbo hell have I walked into?” It’s called VH1, babe. Welcome!
The girls are lined up to receive the man who may give them his heart, but before that, will certainly slip them the tongue.
Said man tells us he’s looking for more than a groupie — he wants someone to come home to, a lover, a friend, a music-enthusiast (rather, a Bret Michaels-enthusiast), a sympathizer. If it doesn’t work out this time, he’s giving up. And he’ll just be celibate for the rest of his life. That’s that.
Bret comes in, horns ablaze…
He asks the girls, “Are we ready to rock each other’s worlds?” They are, indeed ready: ready to jump into a shallow germ pool. Bret gravely tells them that this is a real tour and so they need to be on time all the time. He then lines them up and tells them that he loves photography. But more than that, he loves formula and this is the time in the season when all of the girls will get their pictures taken by him. They need laminates, so this is his excuse to snap their photos. Because, clearly, he needs an excuse.
A girl who we’ll come to find is named Constandina, practices while in line…
How wonderfully Showgirls of her.
First up is Brittaney, who immediately starts posing like this:
Bret loves that she “plays the innocence with the sexiness.” He adds, “That is more sexy than anything.” More sexy than sexiness, even. Bret soon “realizes” that he’s seen Brittaney before, and a lot of her. He’s familiar with her work in porn. A Heatheresque Southern firecracker named Farrah wonders, “Who the French would want to f*** that?” Already bringing the lingo, Farrah jumps out as one to watch, for sure. Anyway, to prove that she’s past her porn days and more into music-making now, Brittaney sings Bret a song. You can imagine how amusing this is to her competitors.
Melissa teaches things like pilates and pole-dancing. Hopefully, she offers accelerated classes, in case she feels like making some side-money from her astute competitors. Or is that ass-tute? Thank, you thank you. I’ll be here all season. (As long as Viacom doesn’t introduce a new round of layoffs, that is!)
Nikki is introduced by John as “Nikki…Tribe…something.”
Something, indeed. Nikki informs us that she got her implants to deter her from scaling buildings that continuing a career in graffiti, which landed her in jail, would have required. I guess cutting her own hands off would have been too difficult. Anyway, Nikki Tribe Something has her own song for Bret. She couldn’t bother to memorize it, but that works out for everyone. For you see, everyone can find amusement in the fact that she reads it off of STD fact sheets…
She seems completely unaware of this. But then, she seems completely unaware, period. Maybe she just has this information lying around like it’s nothing? What place is there for shame on Rock of Love, anyway? Nikki Tribe Something’s rap, by the way, includes the lines, “I can’t believe I’m here telling you this / I know what you’re looking for, not a fake-ass bitch…” She’s cut off like pee in gonorrhea-stricken urethra.
Ashely, says Bret, is “beautiful in a Juliette Lewis kind of way.” He adds that she is “Natural Born Killers with bigger breasts,” but, as we’ll come to find, the same level of sadistic tendencies.
Megan trains wild animals.
Her skills will undoubtedly come in handy as she show progresses.
The bindi-sporting girl above, Constandina, informs us that she is from the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. She’s spiritual and deep. Additionally, she has a master’s degree in storytelling, which totally sounds like euphemistic way to describe a chronic bulls***ter. That’s not what she means, though.
Natasha attended boarding school and is aiming to start a brothel. Funny how one thing leads to another.
See how Marci’s eyes are closed in her shot?
Her lips are, too, and it’s not for the camera. She barely says two words as Bret asks her introductory questions. Marci, it would seem, is not here to make lovers!
Stephanie enjoys chicken.
This is literally the most interesting bit of information we find out about her all show.
Kelsey’s from Utah and she uses her looks to get what she wants.
What an innovator!
Maria is a 40-year-old retired model.
Bret describes her as runway-tall, but this is Rock of Love: “model” could mean any number of things.
Marcia is from Brazil and, as we’ll come to find out…
…boy, is she!
Mindy is competitive and enjoys proving people wrong.
She will undoubtedly fit right in.
Farrah is, as previously hinted at, fairly amazing.
When it’s Brittanya’s turn, Bret examines her tattoos.
He is impressed. “This is awesome…I mean, I hate to use the word ‘awesome’ a lot, but it is.” Aw, self-awareness rears its bandanna-clad head. And I love the implication that the many other times Bret’s used the word “awesome,” have been overstatements, but this time, it’s precisely the word. How can you be sure, Bret?
Beverly has seen Bret in concert but she’s never hung out with him backstage. When he asks her why, she explains that it’s because he was Ambre. Bret’s response?
“Oh, damn it!” Damn it, indeed. Damn that whole relationship to reality hell.
Samantha comes off like a 12-year-old who’s been working as a Vegas cocktail waitress for 30 years.
She is quite the contradiction.
Taya blurts out that she is a Penthouse Pet, so Bret encourages her to show some skin. She doesn’t want to be the first naked girl. Uh, Taya, you won’t be. That distinction goes to Heather and unless your nipples are working out a synchronized guitar solo, you’re not gonna top her horns-over-nips brilliance. Perhaps knowing this, she merely shows Bret her butt.
It’s pretty amazing, like 2 Live Crew-round. Picture-perfect, even.
And then there is Gia, who probably never in her life has been afraid to be the first naked girl.
She was born naked, in fact.
Bret dismisses the girls, telling them to pack up the buses (in blue and pink varieties). Before they can even board, there is strife — many of the women fell prey to the stereotype and over-packed.
When rearranging necessitates taking some bags out to fit them in, Nikki Tribe Something starts freaking out about her Louis Vuitton bag. She becomes angry at Natasha, who’s spearheading the luggage reorganization initiative.
Natasha is shocked at Nikki’s reaction, since she doesn’t even know what’s going on. Natasha concludes from this that Nikki is on drugs and in need of medication. So she needs drugs on top of her drugs? That sounds about right, per the Rock of Love School of Pharmacology. Dr. Drew, stay far, far away.
We cut to Nikki Tribe Something, assuring us that everything she takes is “legal.”
“[Burp] OhscuzemeIburptaah. I’sdrinkingalilearlyok,” is Nikki’s way of punctuating her assurance of legal activity. On second thought: hurry, Dr. Drew, hurry.
The girls essentially divide themselves in half. The pink bus contains:
And the blue bus rolls at this speed:
Taya explains that there is “scandal” on the pink bus. Did Michael Jackson hitch a ride with the Elephant Man’s bones in his satchel again? Taya adds that she wouldn’t even fall asleep on that bus. That’s wise.
The way the girls have segregated themselves reminds me of something. Hmmmm. What could it be?
Why, it’s the social divide that emerged in the first season! But this time, the girls didn’t even wait an episode: they got right down to it. The lesson? These Rock of Love Bus girls move fast.
They get right down to fighting, too. On the pink bus, Marcia addresses the group, announcing the perils of flushing toilet paper and tampons down the bus toilet. Ashely takes the opportunity to write a song about Marcia “taking a deuce” and looking like a beaver. I just love that lite-rock sound, don’t you?
Ashley explains her aggression thusly: “I’m hammered. I’m, like, having fun. I’m rockin’ out. And, you know, I just see this girl Marcia. She’s not blonde, and I was like, I’m pickin’ on this girl tonight.” Look, at least she’s not the type to act without motive. Ashley, in a seemingly different part of the bus, gathers the girls around to hear her song, which now mocks Marica’s Brazilian way of pronouncing things. We see an interview in which Marcia explains that because she’s Brazilian, she doesn’t put up with crap. So it’s a curse and a gift!
Marcia’s response to Ashley’s ditty is alcohol.
This seems to shut Ashley up, which is exactly the point. What a clever plan on Marcia’s part! For no specific reason, Melissa melts down over the tumultuous scene.
In a hilarious contrast to all this bickering and drink-slinging, the blue bus is literally singing “Kumbaya.”
Bravo, casting department. Bra. Vo.
The girls soon arrive at Bret’s show.
Here, they join him onstage to show that they’re there for him by making out with each other.
It actually makes more sense than it sounds.
Farrah interviews, “I think when I get drunk, I’m a lesbian.” Aren’t we all? Also: way to foil the VH1 method of motivation on this hetero dating show, Farrah. Keep the white wine away from this one!
Or, on second thought…
…don’t. Farrah explains that some of her nights result in blackouts, and if she doesn’t remember something, it didn’t happen. She says this gravely. Clearly, she lives by these words. And speaking of not remembering, Gia interviews that her recollection of the concert is foggy, but if Farrah wants to lick her boobs, she’s allowed. What a generous bunch.
And speaking of generosity…
…could someone tell Nikki Tribe Something that this isn’t Bret?
Taya is appalled at what she sees. She interviews…
“I’m a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I’m the classiest one here at this point!” Her genuine amazement at this fact is very endearing. Don’t expect the other girls to think so, though. Between the pearl-clutching and the brown hair, chances of Taya’s popularity are slim to none.
After the show, it’s…
…the after party. Things go well for a few seconds until Ashley tells Beverly that her platform-cloggy-cowboyish boots are “illegal.” She adds that they make her feel insecure. Beverly retorts that Ashley’s dress makes her feel insecure. You know, at least they’re owning up to the insecurity that plagues so many women. That’s what really matters.
Ashley seems genuinely shocked that Beverly would insult her fashion choice.
She gets up in Beverly’s face, doing a little dance.
Ashley’s so enamored with being offensive that it’s as if every dis is a thrill ride. That’s what I’m getting from this scene, anyway. Beverly eventually takes a shot and throws her empty cup at the feet of Gia, an ally of Ashley. This causes way more confusion than it should, but eventually it all gets sorted out and Gia throws a drink on Beverly, as well as the cup that contained it.
And to think that had Beverly invested in some peroxide, all of this never would have happened. She practically was asking for trouble, coming in here all brunette and crap.
Eventually, Bret makes his way into the party, but he’s missing his voice. He’s really endearing this way, actually.
Gia, announces to the world that she’s wearing no underwear by hopping up on the bar.
Y’know, at this point, I shouldn’t be surprised, and yet, no panties gets me every time.
Since this is a special occasion, with Bret being there and all, Nikki wonders what she can do with her test-tube shot. She also explains that she’s very horny and hasn’t been with a guy in months because, “I had a girlfriend. I thought this girlfriend thing was gonna work out because whatever.”
This is seriously her most articulate explanation of anything yet. Also, she sounds a little like littleloca.
In case you had any doubt, necessity breeds invention. And, perhaps, bacteria. For you see, what Nikki and Gia decide to do can only be described on air in a serious of reaction shots.
You know when the seemingly unskeevable Bret Michaels is taken aback, extreme human behavior is underway. Marcia uses a Portuguese word to explain what happened and concludes by saying, “You do not serve shots from [Portuguese word].” Let’s just say that in this scene, Gia didn’t get her tubes tied — she added to them and Nikki drank from her bounty. And by bounty, I mean vagina.
So that’s kind of show-stopping, and yet it goes on! Heather decides to leave and slips as she’s approaching the door. Since she’s eliminated in this episode (spoiler!) and doesn’t do much else, she really will be known as the girl who fell from now on. Whatever, at least she can take solace that her claim to fame doesn’t have to be described in Portuguese to be appropriate for cable television.
Melissa rants that “everybody’s acting crazy and whorish!” On this show, that’s a given. She might as well have said, “Everybody’s existing!” She takes Bret aside to tell him that she’s not looking forward to dealing with this wild scene, but as long as it’s not for nothing, she’ll put up with it. She basically seems to be telling him that she better win, or else. Bret rightly interviews that he’s not feeling her ultimatum.
The girls check into the Louisville Sheraton, which gets a raving review from Samantha. H.B.I.C. Farrah explains that the three rooms they had access to created three cliques:
Her clique, the Blontourage. (It probably should be Blondtourage, but the “D” sounds silent when they say it so please allow me to streamline while understanding that they are grouped by the color of their hair because OF COURSE THEY ARE.)
Then there are the semi-crazies.
They are Blontourage allies.
Finally, there are the quiet zombies.
And even though the fact that they’re zombies is a drag and all, at least they’re quiet. They’d be totally insufferable if we had to listen to them yammer about eating brains all the time.
After Farrah and Gia leave the queit zombies to their silence, Taya rants about the drinking that’s taking place. She seems to have a general disdain for partying.
This shot summarizes her attitude perfectly. I cannot wait to see how she triggers her competitors! Taya truly is the girl with all the potential in the world right now.
Meanwhile, Constandina shows Brittaney and Melissa some bellydancing moves and wonders aloud if Bret’s ever been touched by the Goddess.
The Goddess as played by Cristal Connors or Nomi Malone? It’s an important distinction.
Meanwhile, if you think you know which girl is the biggest mess, prepare to get a load of Marcia. She does a little Ashlee Simpson-esque jig for some girls, and then runs to the bathroom…
…where she vomits, of course. Then, Bret visits the girls. Marcia seems to catch wind of this, finds him and repeatedly kisses him.
This seems to be seconds after vomiting. Someone in the background says something equating Marcia to Doritos. Bret, who still has no idea he just slapped taste-buds that were vomit-coated, says, “It’s the best Dorito I’ve ever tasted.” That’s because it wasn’t a Dorito!
Bret moves from Marica’s nacho vomit to a girl of the cooler ranch variety — he asks Beverly to spend some alone time with him. He explains that he’s singled her out because at the show, she knew the words to his songs. Even his solo work! It’s nice that Bret’s so unabashed about favoring the girls who stroke his ego the most. It makes speculation on my part virtually unnecessary.
Beverly says that back when she had a boyfriend, Bret was on her free-pass list (i.e. the list of celebrities she had license to bang, supposedly without jeopardizing the relationship, though it probably never works out that way)…right above Ed Norton. Bret clearly is offended by this. Regarding his ego, Bev giveth and taketh away.
On his way out of his room, Brittaney attempts to connect with him, but is interrupted by Marcia and then the Blontourage, who succeed in nabbing him.
Bret admits that these girls are fun, but wonders aloud just how significant he is personally to them — are they partying with him because he’s Bret, or just because he’s a rock star? He asks if it’s just a matter of, “Insert rock star here.” Since when is inserting a rock star not the objective of this show? Anyway, they don’t have time to ponder this for too long, because one of the girls suggests a group kiss and they immediately do it.
The best thing about this is that Nikki Tribe Something never gets in on the action. She stands there going, “Wait…” She’s great with test tubes but all-thumbs when it comes to fiveway kisses. Weird!
Back in the room with the bulk of the girls, Samantha strikes a pose that suggests a sophisticated Kimmy Gibbler.
Seriously, this girl is an enigma wrapped in a question mark wrapped in ABC’s T.G.I.F. lineup. Farrah, meanwhile, interviews that “Marcia Brazil” is the craziest drunk she’s ever seen, and you get the feeling that Farrah’s seen a lot of crazy drunks. She needs only to stand in front of a mirror to see one. Marcia attempts a cartwheel to entertain her competitors.
Failed cartwheel = successful entertainment. It’d be ironic if it weren’t so obvious.
Marcia stands on a table and bellows something like, “If you guys don’t shut up, I’m gonna break my bucket!” Like anyone cares about your bucket, lady! She eats chips and then throws them in Ashley’s face. Ashley then pulls a Marcia and pours alcohol over her head.
Payback’s not just a bitch; it’s a bitch with deja vu. Marcia interviews that it’s “not cool” to waste alcohol like Ashley did. Seriously, if you waste alcohol, what will you have to destroy your brain cells to make you forget that you did the same thing last night? In response to Ashley’s splash (Splashley?), Marcia attempts to choke her. She, in turn, flails as if Marcia is capable of doing anything she sets out to in her drunken state.
When this is broken up, Marcia gets sad-drunk and starts packing her bag, threatening to leave. Bret attempts to calm her down and she tells him to go away. He says he’s not going away because it’s his party. Marcia says all Bret cares about is his party. Duh!
Bret then sits with Ashley, whom he convinces to stay.
He tells her he’s about to tell the group something that’s going to “chill all of this out.”
He gives them an anti-violence speech and then tells them that he has to go figure out elimination right now. OMG! Elimination? On this show? Who ever would have expected?
But so it is.
The most notable thing early on at this elimination is how plastered Nikki Tribe Something is.
It’s really fantastic watching her irritate the silicone off Taya.
Bret gravely addresses the group, telling the girls that there is “an absolute urgency” to what they’re doing. Seriously, after lacking in it for seven months, pop culture needs Rock of Love! Anyway, because of this urgency (which I guess means “lack of time”), elimination is going to go a little differently than it has in the past. Bret calls the names of seven girls — Marci, Stephanie, Gia, Heather, Nikki, Brittaney, and Marcia. He tells the remaining 13 that they’re safe and to board the buses.
He only has two passes left for the remaining pool of seven.
He goes through each. Heather is too normal for this insanity. Stephanie hasn’t spoken to Bret. Who is Marci? Gia is fun. Brittaney is a porn star, who needs to be thought over. Marcia is a Brazilian firecracker, who may kill them.
Nikki, meanwhile, is a mess who’s becoming messier.
She seems to ball all the stages of grief into one big blaarrrgh. Also, she seems to have “F*** YOU” tattooed on her knuckles. Tough! But not tough enough to stay. Marcia and Brittaney are, the rest are going home.
Bret says that he needs someone who’s strong enough, fun enough, outgoing enough and grounded enough to hang, implying that these girls are not that. Sad, but what can you do? Rock and roll is an unforgiving beast and reality TV is much, much worse.
Nikki has a breakdown and eventually has to be escorted from set.
I know how she feels. Notgonlieahmrealgonmissherok?