Rock Of Love Bus Recap – Episode 1 – Third Time’s A Charm


There’s just something about Rock of Love

…you know?

Wait, what season is this again?

Thanks, Bret!

Indeed, in this third go-round for Bret, we’ll watch him literally going ’round…the country, that is, as he tours with his solo band and a group of girls competing amongst themselves to be his one and only. Or whatever.

After a montage of the reality thorns in Bret’s rose, he explains to us, “Only one woman can truly be my rock of love…three.” Ah, honesty.

He meets his potential rocks/thorns at a bar in Louisville, KY. Never having visited the Slugger capital of the country, I can still say with confidence that this seems utterly appropriate.

We get early words from some of the girls. Brittanya reports…

I’m everything I think a guy would want, actually. I’m different, I’m cool, I’m fun. I’m a little bit not too smart, but it’s OK!” “A little bit not too smart?” How wonderful to find a girl who believes in both telling and showing.

Gia (on the right) is into bondage, while Mindy (on the left) wonders aloud, “What the blonde bimbo hell have I walked into?” It’s called VH1, babe. Welcome!

The girls are lined up to receive the man who may give them his heart, but before that, will certainly slip them the tongue.

Said man tells us he’s looking for more than a groupie — he wants someone to come home to, a lover, a friend, a music-enthusiast (rather, a Bret Michaels-enthusiast), a sympathizer. If it doesn’t work out this time, he’s giving up. And he’ll just be celibate for the rest of his life. That’s that.

Bret comes in, horns ablaze…

He asks the girls, “Are we ready to rock each other’s worlds?” They are, indeed ready: ready to jump into a shallow germ pool. Bret gravely tells them that this is a real tour and so they need to be on time all the time. He then lines them up and tells them that he loves photography. But more than that, he loves formula and this is the time in the season when all of the girls will get their pictures taken by him. They need laminates, so this is his excuse to snap their photos. Because, clearly, he needs an excuse.

A girl who we’ll come to find is named Constandina, practices while in line…

How wonderfully Showgirls of her.

First up is Brittaney, who immediately starts posing like this:

Bret loves that she “plays the innocence with the sexiness.” He adds, “That is more sexy than anything.” More sexy than sexiness, even. Bret soon “realizes” that he’s seen Brittaney before, and a lot of her. He’s familiar with her work in porn. A Heatheresque Southern firecracker named Farrah wonders, “Who the French would want to f*** that?” Already bringing the lingo, Farrah jumps out as one to watch, for sure. Anyway, to prove that she’s past her porn days and more into music-making now, Brittaney sings Bret a song. You can imagine how amusing this is to her competitors.

Melissa teaches things like pilates and pole-dancing. Hopefully, she offers accelerated classes, in case she feels like making some side-money from her astute competitors. Or is that ass-tute? Thank, you thank you. I’ll be here all season. (As long as Viacom doesn’t introduce a new round of layoffs, that is!)

Nikki is introduced by John as “Nikki…Tribe…something.”

Something, indeed. Nikki informs us that she got her implants to deter her from scaling buildings that continuing a career in graffiti, which landed her in jail, would have required. I guess cutting her own hands off would have been too difficult. Anyway, Nikki Tribe Something has her own song for Bret. She couldn’t bother to memorize it, but that works out for everyone. For you see, everyone can find amusement in the fact that she reads it off of STD fact sheets…

She seems completely unaware of this. But then, she seems completely unaware, period. Maybe she just has this information lying around like it’s nothing? What place is there for shame on Rock of Love, anyway? Nikki Tribe Something’s rap, by the way, includes the lines, “I can’t believe I’m here telling you this / I know what you’re looking for, not a fake-ass bitch…” She’s cut off like pee in gonorrhea-stricken urethra.

Ashely, says Bret, is “beautiful in a Juliette Lewis kind of way.” He adds that she is “Natural Born Killers with bigger breasts,” but, as we’ll come to find, the same level of sadistic tendencies.

Megan trains wild animals.

Her skills will undoubtedly come in handy as she show progresses.

The bindi-sporting girl above, Constandina, informs us that she is from the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. She’s spiritual and deep. Additionally, she has a master’s degree in storytelling, which totally sounds like euphemistic way to describe a chronic bulls***ter. That’s not what she means, though.

Natasha attended boarding school and is aiming to start a brothel. Funny how one thing leads to another.

See how Marci’s eyes are closed in her shot?

Her lips are, too, and it’s not for the camera. She barely says two words as Bret asks her introductory questions. Marci, it would seem, is not here to make lovers!

Stephanie enjoys chicken.

This is literally the most interesting bit of information we find out about her all show.

Kelsey’s from Utah and she uses her looks to get what she wants.

What an innovator!

Maria is a 40-year-old retired model.

Bret describes her as runway-tall, but this is Rock of Love: “model” could mean any number of things.

Marcia is from Brazil and, as we’ll come to find out…

…boy, is she!

Mindy is competitive and enjoys proving people wrong.

She will undoubtedly fit right in.

Farrah is, as previously hinted at, fairly amazing.

When it’s Brittanya’s turn, Bret examines her tattoos.

He is impressed. “This is awesome…I mean, I hate to use the word ‘awesome’ a lot, but it is.” Aw, self-awareness rears its bandanna-clad head. And I love the implication that the many other times Bret’s used the word “awesome,” have been overstatements, but this time, it’s precisely the word. How can you be sure, Bret?

Beverly has seen Bret in concert but she’s never hung out with him backstage. When he asks her why, she explains that it’s because he was Ambre. Bret’s response?

“Oh, damn it!” Damn it, indeed. Damn that whole relationship to reality hell.

Samantha comes off like a 12-year-old who’s been working as a Vegas cocktail waitress for 30 years.

She is quite the contradiction.

Taya blurts out that she is a Penthouse Pet, so Bret encourages her to show some skin. She doesn’t want to be the first naked girl. Uh, Taya, you won’t be. That distinction goes to Heather and unless your nipples are working out a synchronized guitar solo, you’re not gonna top her horns-over-nips brilliance. Perhaps knowing this, she merely shows Bret her butt.

It’s pretty amazing, like 2 Live Crew-round. Picture-perfect, even.

And then there is Gia, who probably never in her life has been afraid to be the first naked girl.

She was born naked, in fact.

Bret dismisses the girls, telling them to pack up the buses (in blue and pink varieties). Before they can even board, there is strife — many of the women fell prey to the stereotype and over-packed.

When rearranging necessitates taking some bags out to fit them in, Nikki Tribe Something starts freaking out about her Louis Vuitton bag. She becomes angry at Natasha, who’s spearheading the luggage reorganization initiative.

Natasha is shocked at Nikki’s reaction, since she doesn’t even know what’s going on. Natasha concludes from this that Nikki is on drugs and in need of medication. So she needs drugs on top of her drugs? That sounds about right, per the Rock of Love School of Pharmacology. Dr. Drew, stay far, far away.

We cut to Nikki Tribe Something, assuring us that everything she takes is “legal.”

[Burp] OhscuzemeIburptaah. I’sdrinkingalilearlyok,” is Nikki’s way of punctuating her assurance of legal activity. On second thought: hurry, Dr. Drew, hurry.

The girls essentially divide themselves in half. The pink bus contains:

And the blue bus rolls at this speed:

Taya explains that there is “scandal” on the pink bus. Did Michael Jackson hitch a ride with the Elephant Man’s bones in his satchel again? Taya adds that she wouldn’t even fall asleep on that bus. That’s wise.

The way the girls have segregated themselves reminds me of something. Hmmmm. What could it be?

Why, it’s the social divide that emerged in the first season! But this time, the girls didn’t even wait an episode: they got right down to it. The lesson? These Rock of Love Bus girls move fast.

They get right down to fighting, too. On the pink bus, Marcia addresses the group, announcing the perils of flushing toilet paper and tampons down the bus toilet. Ashely takes the opportunity to write a song about Marcia “taking a deuce” and looking like a beaver. I just love that lite-rock sound, don’t you?

Ashley explains her aggression thusly: “I’m hammered. I’m, like, having fun. I’m rockin’ out. And, you know, I just see this girl Marcia. She’s not blonde, and I was like, I’m pickin’ on this girl tonight.” Look, at least she’s not the type to act without motive. Ashley, in a seemingly different part of the bus, gathers the girls around to hear her song, which now mocks Marica’s Brazilian way of pronouncing things. We see an interview in which Marcia explains that because she’s Brazilian, she doesn’t put up with crap. So it’s a curse and a gift!

Marcia’s response to Ashley’s ditty is alcohol.

This seems to shut Ashley up, which is exactly the point. What a clever plan on Marcia’s part! For no specific reason, Melissa melts down over the tumultuous scene.

In a hilarious contrast to all this bickering and drink-slinging, the blue bus is literally singing “Kumbaya.”

Bravo, casting department. Bra. Vo.

The girls soon arrive at Bret’s show.

Here, they join him onstage to show that they’re there for him by making out with each other.

It actually makes more sense than it sounds.

Farrah interviews, “I think when I get drunk, I’m a lesbian.” Aren’t we all? Also: way to foil the VH1 method of motivation on this hetero dating show, Farrah. Keep the white wine away from this one!

Or, on second thought…

…don’t. Farrah explains that some of her nights result in blackouts, and if she doesn’t remember something, it didn’t happen. She says this gravely. Clearly, she lives by these words. And speaking of not remembering, Gia interviews that her recollection of the concert is foggy, but if Farrah wants to lick her boobs, she’s allowed. What a generous bunch.

And speaking of generosity…

…could someone tell Nikki Tribe Something that this isn’t Bret?

Taya is appalled at what she sees. She interviews…

I’m a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I’m the classiest one here at this point!” Her genuine amazement at this fact is very endearing. Don’t expect the other girls to think so, though. Between the pearl-clutching and the brown hair, chances of Taya’s popularity are slim to none.

After the show, it’s…

…the after party. Things go well for a few seconds until Ashley tells Beverly that her platform-cloggy-cowboyish boots are “illegal.” She adds that they make her feel insecure. Beverly retorts that Ashley’s dress makes her feel insecure. You know, at least they’re owning up to the insecurity that plagues so many women. That’s what really matters.

Ashley seems genuinely shocked that Beverly would insult her fashion choice.

She gets up in Beverly’s face, doing a little dance.

Ashley’s so enamored with being offensive that it’s as if every dis is a thrill ride. That’s what I’m getting from this scene, anyway. Beverly eventually takes a shot and throws her empty cup at the feet of Gia, an ally of Ashley. This causes way more confusion than it should, but eventually it all gets sorted out and Gia throws a drink on Beverly, as well as the cup that contained it.

And to think that had Beverly invested in some peroxide, all of this never would have happened. She practically was asking for trouble, coming in here all brunette and crap.

Eventually, Bret makes his way into the party, but he’s missing his voice. He’s really endearing this way, actually.

Gia, announces to the world that she’s wearing no underwear by hopping up on the bar.

Y’know, at this point, I shouldn’t be surprised, and yet, no panties gets me every time.

Since this is a special occasion, with Bret being there and all, Nikki wonders what she can do with her test-tube shot. She also explains that she’s very horny and hasn’t been with a guy in months because, “I had a girlfriend. I thought this girlfriend thing was gonna work out because whatever.

This is seriously her most articulate explanation of anything yet. Also, she sounds a little like littleloca.

In case you had any doubt, necessity breeds invention. And, perhaps, bacteria. For you see, what Nikki and Gia decide to do can only be described on air in a serious of reaction shots.

You know when the seemingly unskeevable Bret Michaels is taken aback, extreme human behavior is underway. Marcia uses a Portuguese word to explain what happened and concludes by saying, “You do not serve shots from [Portuguese word].” Let’s just say that in this scene, Gia didn’t get her tubes tied — she added to them and Nikki drank from her bounty. And by bounty, I mean vagina.

So that’s kind of show-stopping, and yet it goes on! Heather decides to leave and slips as she’s approaching the door. Since she’s eliminated in this episode (spoiler!) and doesn’t do much else, she really will be known as the girl who fell from now on. Whatever, at least she can take solace that her claim to fame doesn’t have to be described in Portuguese to be appropriate for cable television.

Melissa rants that “everybody’s acting crazy and whorish!” On this show, that’s a given. She might as well have said, “Everybody’s existing!” She takes Bret aside to tell him that she’s not looking forward to dealing with this wild scene, but as long as it’s not for nothing, she’ll put up with it. She basically seems to be telling him that she better win, or else. Bret rightly interviews that he’s not feeling her ultimatum.

The girls check into the Louisville Sheraton, which gets a raving review from Samantha. H.B.I.C. Farrah explains that the three rooms they had access to created three cliques:

Her clique, the Blontourage. (It probably should be Blondtourage, but the “D” sounds silent when they say it so please allow me to streamline while understanding that they are grouped by the color of their hair because OF COURSE THEY ARE.)

Then there are the semi-crazies.

They are Blontourage allies.

Finally, there are the quiet zombies.

And even though the fact that they’re zombies is a drag and all, at least they’re quiet. They’d be totally insufferable if we had to listen to them yammer about eating brains all the time.

After Farrah and Gia leave the queit zombies to their silence, Taya rants about the drinking that’s taking place. She seems to have a general disdain for partying.

This shot summarizes her attitude perfectly. I cannot wait to see how she triggers her competitors! Taya truly is the girl with all the potential in the world right now.

Meanwhile, Constandina shows Brittaney and Melissa some bellydancing moves and wonders aloud if Bret’s ever been touched by the Goddess.

The Goddess as played by Cristal Connors or Nomi Malone? It’s an important distinction.

Meanwhile, if you think you know which girl is the biggest mess, prepare to get a load of Marcia. She does a little Ashlee Simpson-esque jig for some girls, and then runs to the bathroom…

…where she vomits, of course. Then, Bret visits the girls. Marcia seems to catch wind of this, finds him and repeatedly kisses him.

This seems to be seconds after vomiting. Someone in the background says something equating Marcia to Doritos. Bret, who still has no idea he just slapped taste-buds that were vomit-coated, says, “It’s the best Dorito I’ve ever tasted.” That’s because it wasn’t a Dorito!

Bret moves from Marica’s nacho vomit to a girl of the cooler ranch variety — he asks Beverly to spend some alone time with him. He explains that he’s singled her out because at the show, she knew the words to his songs. Even his solo work! It’s nice that Bret’s so unabashed about favoring the girls who stroke his ego the most. It makes speculation on my part virtually unnecessary.

Beverly says that back when she had a boyfriend, Bret was on her free-pass list (i.e. the list of celebrities she had license to bang, supposedly without jeopardizing the relationship, though it probably never works out that way)…right above Ed Norton. Bret clearly is offended by this. Regarding his ego, Bev giveth and taketh away.

On his way out of his room, Brittaney attempts to connect with him, but is interrupted by Marcia and then the Blontourage, who succeed in nabbing him.

Bret admits that these girls are fun, but wonders aloud just how significant he is personally to them — are they partying with him because he’s Bret, or just because he’s a rock star? He asks if it’s just a matter of, “Insert rock star here.” Since when is inserting a rock star not the objective of this show? Anyway, they don’t have time to ponder this for too long, because one of the girls suggests a group kiss and they immediately do it.

The best thing about this is that Nikki Tribe Something never gets in on the action. She stands there going, “Wait…” She’s great with test tubes but all-thumbs when it comes to fiveway kisses. Weird!

Back in the room with the bulk of the girls, Samantha strikes a pose that suggests a sophisticated Kimmy Gibbler.

Seriously, this girl is an enigma wrapped in a question mark wrapped in ABC’s T.G.I.F. lineup. Farrah, meanwhile, interviews that “Marcia Brazil” is the craziest drunk she’s ever seen, and you get the feeling that Farrah’s seen a lot of crazy drunks. She needs only to stand in front of a mirror to see one. Marcia attempts a cartwheel to entertain her competitors.

Failed cartwheel = successful entertainment. It’d be ironic if it weren’t so obvious.

Marcia stands on a table and bellows something like, “If you guys don’t shut up, I’m gonna break my bucket!” Like anyone cares about your bucket, lady! She eats chips and then throws them in Ashley’s face. Ashley then pulls a Marcia and pours alcohol over her head.

Payback’s not just a bitch; it’s a bitch with deja vu. Marcia interviews that it’s “not cool” to waste alcohol like Ashley did. Seriously, if you waste alcohol, what will you have to destroy your brain cells to make you forget that you did the same thing last night? In response to Ashley’s splash (Splashley?), Marcia attempts to choke her. She, in turn, flails as if Marcia is capable of doing anything she sets out to in her drunken state.

When this is broken up, Marcia gets sad-drunk and starts packing her bag, threatening to leave. Bret attempts to calm her down and she tells him to go away. He says he’s not going away because it’s his party. Marcia says all Bret cares about is his party. Duh!

Bret then sits with Ashley, whom he convinces to stay.

He tells her he’s about to tell the group something that’s going to “chill all of this out.”

He gives them an anti-violence speech and then tells them that he has to go figure out elimination right now. OMG! Elimination? On this show? Who ever would have expected?

But so it is.

The most notable thing early on at this elimination is how plastered Nikki Tribe Something is.

It’s really fantastic watching her irritate the silicone off Taya.

Bret gravely addresses the group, telling the girls that there is “an absolute urgency” to what they’re doing. Seriously, after lacking in it for seven months, pop culture needs Rock of Love! Anyway, because of this urgency (which I guess means “lack of time”), elimination is going to go a little differently than it has in the past. Bret calls the names of seven girls — Marci, Stephanie, Gia, Heather, Nikki, Brittaney, and Marcia. He tells the remaining 13 that they’re safe and to board the buses.

He only has two passes left for the remaining pool of seven.

He goes through each. Heather is too normal for this insanity. Stephanie hasn’t spoken to Bret. Who is Marci? Gia is fun. Brittaney is a porn star, who needs to be thought over. Marcia is a Brazilian firecracker, who may kill them.

Nikki, meanwhile, is a mess who’s becoming messier.

She seems to ball all the stages of grief into one big blaarrrgh. Also, she seems to have “F*** YOU” tattooed on her knuckles. Tough! But not tough enough to stay. Marcia and Brittaney are, the rest are going home.

Bret says that he needs someone who’s strong enough, fun enough, outgoing enough and grounded enough to hang, implying that these girls are not that. Sad, but what can you do? Rock and roll is an unforgiving beast and reality TV is much, much worse.

Nikki has a breakdown and eventually has to be escorted from set.

I know how she feels. Notgonlieahmrealgonmissherok?


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Rock of Love Bus show page
Rock of Love videos and extras

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  1. Miss Moen says:

    I used to be a big fan of Poison and of Brett, but now after seeing just a short part of this first show, I have lost all interest in both the band and Brett. I mean, could this show get any faker or sluttier girls???? All I see now is Brett trying to keep the cameras running to keep his publicity going. Nice try Brett, instead, a lot of your real fans are tuning the channel. :( sorry to see you lose your drive at what you do best,,,,,,,rock and roll.

  2. getalife says:

    What a bleached out, brain cell lacking group they are! Good luck Brett.

  3. shelly says:

    Please, Please Brett does us a favor and make something of this mess of a tv show.. Try and show us that you have something more to you than this. If your going to do a show like this make it worth our while to watch it. Your not getting any younger and for those of us that started watching you from day one of your career, this is killing us……. Find someone nice and good to you and settle the hell down…… With all of the women you have gone through i can’t believe you can’t find someone to do that with.

  4. Kathi says:

    Train wreck isn’t a stong enough phrase to describe this group!! But I’ll keep watching…nothing else is on.

    BTW, let’s start a little something here! Who’s on the top of your “Free-Pass List”?
    Mine is David Tennant. *swoon*

  5. likestoblog says:

    What has happened to our Bret, kissing vomit girls? Ewwww! Rich, you are never funnier than when you are recapping a Rock of Love show. LOL.

  6. kristal says:

    brett you are a sexy man. why in the hell do you like all them !~`!`(%**&_#`%&(+ there are real women out here but i wish you all the luck………

  7. Elliot says:

    I hate these DJ Lady Tribe moments: on the one hand I realize she would never be able to have a meaningful relationship, but on the other I really wish she had stayed, if only to see more of her wardrobe!

  8. Cat says:

    Brett – you are so sexy and have so much going for you….why..WHY??? do you insist on degrading yourself by having all of these W****S around you…I agree with krystal there are plenty of us real women out here that know how to treat our man, regardless of what he does for a living!!! Yeah rock and roll is a crazy business, but if you want a relationship – a LASTING RELATIONSHIP to work you have to work at it and it just seems that all you’re really interested in is someone slutty, but not too slutty to have hanging off of your arm. And that my love, is NOT LOVE!!! Good luck in your venture – I’ll continue to watch and hope for the best….love ya…

  9. tasha says:

    Brett I’ve been a fan of yours since i was 8 years old. i love your music and still do no matter what . A fan is a fan and they should be dedicated to you and your music for u, not the people around you or the girls that make )$$^@^%%_%*&&*$ es out of themselves . you’ll find love someday. i haven’t found it yet so don’t feel bad. you need someone to listen to you , respect the time and passion that you put into your music and realize that you need time to speak without being interrupted. i think that most of the women that you attract are to high maintenance and that they love the lime light instead of you . its your lime light and they loose that as soon as the cameras are on them for too long. but anyways best wishes to you .

    small town Huntington massachusetts

  10. Laura says:

    Seriously Brett what are you doing? I am here for you to the end regardless, but who picked these girls? I’ve met you once while you were here in Tulsa, OK and you seemed like a cool well put together guy. These girls don’t have half the class you are looking for. It’s obvious that some TV show isn’t gonna help you find your “true love”. I truly hope you find what your looking for, but this show isn’t your answer!

  11. tasha says:

    Brett I’ve been a fan of yours since i was 8 years old. i love your music and still do no matter what . A fan is a fan and they should be dedicated to you and your music for u, not the people around you or the girls that make +))!)%+~*+)`+&* es out of themselves . you’ll find love someday. i haven’t found it yet so don’t feel bad. you need someone to listen to you , respect the time and passion that you put into your music and realize that you need time to speak without being interrupted. i think that most of the women that you attract are to high maintenance and that they love the lime light instead of you . its your lime light and they loose that as soon as the cameras are on them for too long. but anyways best wishes to you .

    small town Huntington massachusetts

  12. JennBunny says:

    Brett….. I have to admit…goodluck with this group! It’ll be tough!! I’m really digging Kelsey though! She seems naturally pretty!! Your eliminations were great!!! Hopefully the girls will get along better now that the “bimbos” arent there!……..Thank you and goodnight!

  13. Jellybean says:

    After two seasons and a bevy of women to choose from, perhaps the third time around Bret will find the woman of his dreams———a trashy, partying slut. Even I, not being a celebrity, could select a mate of higher caliber with more moral decency and values than the majority of women that has competed to be his “Rock of Love”. Apparently, he doesn’t really want a relationship with a LADY.

  14. isis says:

    More crazy sh+t from BM and crew. I am so sick of seeing that scank Lacey! Why does she have to come on the show? Do you all think people LIKE her?? She is the Amarosa of VH1. Can’t stand the mean shrew… I know it’s all for laughs and for Bret’s $ account but pls don’t make us sick trying to make us laugh. The humilation these ho’s are willing to endure is scary…

  15. alicia from sc says:

    Brett, I have always loved you and your music. We are close to the same age and even share the same B-day. Awesome!!! I watched Rock of Love Bus Tour and i must say that this season looks like it is going downhill for you fast. These girls are all so fake and phony from their fake blond hair to their fake boobs!!!!You sre wonderful and it is almost embarrassing to see what you have resorted to just to find love.Well you need to quit while you can still salvage your smokin hot image with this crappy show. I couldn’t wait for Rock of Love 3 and I am sorely disappointed because these girls are not worthy of you. Your are great just being Brett Michaels and you need to keep on Rockin for sure but without these bus load of fame grabbers.. Love will happen .. It is a shame that you haven’t came to South Carolina lookin for love. Nothing like a real southern girl!!!!

    Love You Brett,,


  16. L.A. GRAFF SCENE says:


    NO TAKO LOVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

  17. Sonja Bass says:

    bret michaels is so hot and I love his songs
    one day I want to meet him in real life
    I watched all the episodes of Rock of Love wishing I was in one of those girls places hoping I am the one that you are looking for
    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRET you are so awesome
    dont worry Bret you will fine love when faith brings you to it


    Sonja Bass

  18. samantha says:

    Oh come on, these girls are soooooooooooo ugly.

    The only pretty/hot ones are the Playmate and the tomboy. At least the last two episodes had good looking women. If Bret Michaels really likes these trashy and I use this term loosly, women I lost all respect for him and his band.

    One word, GROSS !

    I used to really like this show, now I am turned off !!!!!!!!!

  19. Andrew says:

    “After two seasons and a bevy of women to choose from, perhaps the third time around Bret will find the woman of his dreams———a trashy, partying slut. Even I, not being a celebrity, could select a mate of higher caliber with more moral decency and values than the majority of women that has competed to be his “Rock of Love”. Apparently, he doesn’t really want a relationship with a LADY.”

    To the one who calls herself Jellybean isn’t that why he picked Jess from season 1 and Ambre from season 2 those two were classy ladies, but they dumped Bret. Jess wanted him to pick the runner up Heather and Ambre dumped him to pursue her career.

  20. local girl says:

    I just wanted to say Good Luck to Bret, on your journey in finding love. I was hoping Amber from the last season would have worked out for you because she seemed like a good girl, but I know finding love and being on tour must be really difficult.

    On another note I would have to say that I don’t particularly care of the gal Gia who just so happens to mention that she’s from Honolulu Hawaii. Just so no one gets the wrong idea, but local gals from Hawaii do not carry themselves in that way. She is obviously not Hawaii grown. I’m almost ashamed for her and her behavior.

    Well Bret….the most important thing is that you find love out of these batch of girls. Good Luck!!!

    Local Girl

  21. Lynne says:

    Ambre seemed to be a good and mature gal. However, that relationship didn’t work out. Why did Ambre and Bret breakup? Can he not sustain a relationship with a classy gal, or did the fault lie with her?

  22. LAURENT says:


  23. leila says:

    These girls are better off dating each other. Brett has no personality and I bet wrinkly std infested balls:) lol He may sing good, but doesn’t entertain me. The sluts on his show do however LOL Do they (VH1) just visit the strip in Las Vegas and pick up hookers along the way?? Brett darling, if you aren’t getting what you want the way youre doing things..change the way youre doing things. IDIOT LOL

  24. yomama says:

    i think he needs to get real and pick someone who is like him–an attention seeking hoe. they could have all the nasty fun they wanted and live STDed ever after. no jelousy, no rules, no commitment, just someone who will stick with you through all your sickness. stop trying to get a good girl. your not a good guy. it won’t work!

  25. Read this Brett Michaels! says:

    I’m glad Brett didn’t keep Gia and Tribe, although they would have made the show entertaining. But I don’t think Brett should have kept Brittaney. First she’s just typical looking and she was a PORN STAR. When will Brett learn that a woman who is that free and open with sex for everyone to see and with lots of men is NOT marrige material. He is not judgmental and says he doesn’t want to cast stones, but he doesn’t have to be judgmental or cast stones, he just needs to not take these types seriously. I also don’t think he should have kept that “Julliette Lewis, Natural Bork Killers” type there. All she did was start *%!(*+*#+(#^#*$( with girls for no reason, and she has somewhat of a mullet. Look, anyone that reminds you of natural born killers is NOT serious Love material. That movie was about killer psychos! Some times he should give the quiet ones a try and that little dark one in the front row with the flower in her hair may have proven to be a noteworthy rock in his life. Still waters run deep!

  26. The Skankiest Bunch Yet says:

    Samantha, at the beginning of each show the women never seem that great but they become more attractive as the show goes on.

    I was disappointed to see that they are going to be doing some of the same stunts as last time, like the roller derby one w/Lacey as a guest star. I may not follow this one. Especially since he kept a psycho, a porn star and a woman who kissed him immediately after vomiting, while cutting some more reserved types. Whatever!

  27. shea says:

    Bret, What in the hell are you and VH1 doing?! This season’s show is by far the most asinine, ridiculous, absurd, ignorant and completely idiotic way for you to meet someone! You are way better than all of this nonsense these so called “girls” that want to be with you are doing on this season. Nothing but a bunch of drunken puke smelling idiots! You probably have 1 or 2 possibilities but that could very well change too. I watched the first 2 seasons and hoped upon hope that you wouldn’t stoop to the flava flav New York level, but you did. I did watch the first episode of this season but I will NOT be wasting any more of my time watching this absurdity! Good Luck because you will need it.

  28. Rachell says:

    Yay! I get a whole new season of watching the aging Brett Michaels make out with chicks with fake #`_#_@(*(^#%_+% ties! Weee! :)

    It’s really interesting…to think he’s looking for love on this type of format? I know this is reality TV, but you seriously have to wonder if he is serious about finding love with the right women, why does he keep falling for the strippers and porn stars. None of those have seemed to work out so far. It seems like his music has always been his priority in life and he is looking for a woman who will give up all her needs in order to support his. I don’t see how a respectable woman could be with him. He seems to have a good heart, but all the making out with and sleeping with other women whilst I was trying to win his heart would be a bit much. BTW…the man has to be a walking STD by now…just thinking about it makes it burn when I pee =P

  29. Amanda C. says:

    Woooooooow! Thats all i can say! Its just beeen one episode,nd it feels like a whole season! There is allready a bunch of drama and making out and stripping! Its crazzzy!!! These girls are nutty! And the “Blontourage” are just wannabes of all of the hott blondes that were previously on this show like Brndi C, Megan, and Kristia. They will never be like them! Anyways i am not so sure brett will find “the one” on this show!

  30. Amanda C. says:

    Woooooooow! Thats all i can say! Its just beeen one episode,nd it feels like a whole season! There is allready a bunch of drama and making out and stripping! Its crazzzy!!! These girls are nutty! And the “Blontourage” are just wannabes of all of the hott blondes that were previously on this show like Brndi C, Megan, and Kristia. They will never be like them! Anyways i am not so sure brett will find “the one” on this show!***

  31. lil_chit says:

    I would like to know just how much penicillin Bret took before he taped that 1st episode. If he hasen’t been taken some STRONG doses of antibiotiocs since that taping of that 1st show, he deserves to have his #$#)(~_*!%+!)`$% fall off!!

  32. JUDY HILL says:


  33. Sara says:

    hilarious recap, as per always

  34. Melissa says:

    What’s funny to me is that the people posting comments actually think that he’s really trying to find love. This is a form of entertainment people! There are plenty of perks for the guy but you know he’s not really going to find love, but it makes for a good time watching it. And he’s not a walking STD. Everybody has to take tests before going into the house, again, read up on reality tv… they do take this stuff into consideration, lol. They know what’s going on with these shows, it’s an excuse for an aging star to hook up with girl who want to become something. I am glad that they got rid of those 2 trashy girls… they need to be on a show w/ tila tequila where it’s okay to be all over girls.

  35. lolo says:

    Is Nikki a man?

  36. lisa says:

    hey nice pics

  37. So Cool says:

    This show is like a big bag of herpes !!!!

  38. Nigel says:

    I don’t think Brett picks these girls…after all, audition tapes are looked at/screened…it explains why your least favorite girls are kept week after week(i.e Lacey)…because it causes confrontation and/or ratings…and…it’s not so much looking for Ms Right…but he’s a media ^_!$~+_#^#+^+)&~$ that gets compensation for all this…hey, Poison is winding down and Mr. Media needs one more fix…getting paid to liplock/smoosh hotties..even though this crop looks like every girl he’s ever met…a paycheck slant camera time is Win/Win

  39. amithere says:

    Hilarious commentary, as usual. I have trouble watching all of the insanity, but reading about it is a hoot!!!

  40. Change the station says:

    This show may be giving Bret money and TV exposure but I will never buy another CD he puts out. What a joke!!

  41. Karry says:

    Ashley does in fact look a little like Juliette Lewis, but i think she looks a whole lot more like Chris Crocker

  42. Bo says:

    Shouldn’t this show be called Rock of Love BusT?!

  43. Sheila says:

    I grew up loving Poison and thinking Bret was the hottest thing ever,….now Im embarrassed to say that. Didnt he get enough *** on tour without making a show with a facade of love as the &`~@&!&#_)%)+_% le…come on. You want a girl thta rocks your world but all you’re recruiting is groupies that have more silicone than self respect. I have totally lost any respect I had for Bret. I wont be surprised if you grow old and never find that “love” you think you want. I think what you really want you are getting and until your ideas change some, you wont get the real thing.

  44. cristineb says:

    Love the recap pretty much sums it up. Its sad what women will do to get on tv, I would say brett should be ashamed of taking advantage of that fact but they are the ones who put it out there, whats worse is this just shows us what this world is coming to. Maybe 1 day these girls will wisen up and realize that this is NOT sexy after all you have to have some class to be sexy, But I guess the almighty dollar is worth making yourself look like the circus clown have at it girls

  45. Christel Hendrickson says:

    After watching these HUH? Girls. I am so glad that I am just a regular, nice sometime PARTY Girl
    these chicks ARE A freaking joke Poor BRET!

  46. Tammy says:

    Why is Bret wearing a WIG??!!!???

  47. DD says:

    Nothing but a bunch of horny airheads! Bret’s all washed up and know it so he might as well keep doing these dumbass shows! What a bunch of sleezes!

  48. Barbie says:

    My heart goes out to Brett, Brett ask yourself is this the best choices or is this just good tv? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on who? Good Luck my money is on a brunettte!

  49. Bryant says:

    hahaha, i cant stop laughing every time i see the animated gif of lady tribe falling on the chick next to her during elimination

  50. Bekka says:

    1. What is up with the glitter eye shadow? Are we in 9th grade here? Lose it ladies – it looks lke crap.
    2. Was there some kind of drinking contest that I somehow missed? Getting drunk, falling down and puking is NOT attractive.
    3. Why do women insist on getting breast enlargements that make them look like they have some kind of birth defect?
    4. Do men think that abnormally large breast enlargements are sexy or do they think they look like birth defects?
    5. Did these women not watch the other ROL shows? The really wild and “free spirited” women got eliminated. Oh sorry – you’d have to have at least a partial brain to figure that out.
    6. Did the casting department ONLY select the women with the lowest IQ’s?
    7. How idiotic do I feel for watching this show? (note; I love this show LOL)
    8. How bad is it when (it seems that) the penthouse pet is the most classy one of the bunch?

  51. Carmen says:

    WOW, all this entertainment and this is just the first episode.

  52. anita says:

    I’ve tried to watch but I can’t bear more than a couple of minutes…won’t be watching any more…i loved rock of love 2, i love money, and rock of love charm school…all those shows included some great people and a few bimbos…but this show…it scares me that women like this exist…their fake body parts are beyond gross….just too disturbing to watch…

  53. i kssedatoy says:

    Awesome and funny recap!!

    FYI……”Beverly says that back when she had a boyfriend, Bret was on her free-pass list…”
    It was actually an ex-husband.

    Kepp ‘em coming, looking forward to more!

  54. cathy says:

    how can you ever find a descent woman if the only thing you look at is +$&@#)$)_#@)#+#^@ s? i feel bad for brett but if thats all he’s into is looks then he’ll never find his true love.

  55. Kris Tee says:

    At leaat this time he eliminated the most ridiculous ones right off the bat. If I had to look at Nikki and Gia the entire season, I probably wouldnt make it past the next episode.

  56. blondie321 says:

    i think that this rock of love is the most awful one yet very few of these so called women have any class all there breast are even real they act like ~+^^@`@(`(!!)#((^ s but you know i will be watchin it maybe bret can find love who knows he mneeds to he isnt gettin any younger .

  57. Nantucket says:

    This is the worst one ever. Haven’t you had enough of one night stands and groupies. Grow up!! You are truly wasting you talents. I am not into TV at all but you are such a great person. What happened to Amber? She was the one…… Why do you have to have such sluts and not some class act WOMAN.. Thank God you got rid of the Daisy look alike. Remember it’s the quiet ones that are the true tigers. Find someone that will love you and look after your future like OZZY did.

  58. WTF? says:

    I just saw/read the recap of episode one and I have to say that all of these chicks are more sluttier than ever. None of them are even attractive in anyway what so ever. What the hell happened to Ambre? I thought things were working out between her and Bret. Oh well whatever, at least I have some ugly stupid chicks to laugh at once a week on VH1 =)

  59. sarahvh1 says:

    I agree with Nantucket… This is the most ridiculous show I have ever seen. Bret Michaels is looking for ratings not love. He’s all washed up, and he looks just like all the hoochie girls on his show. Does he really want to find someone as fake as those girls? If he hasn’t found love right now, there could be a good reason for that. I don’t think it’s necessary to have a show on TV . It kinda looks bad on him….. Whatever, I probably won’t watch this season, Might as well watch jerry springer.

  60. alienator says:

    Ice Head Nikki is all Washed up. Did you know that she is Fillipino. Gross. You Hawaiians think you got it bad with Gia saying shes from your island but check this out. These Fillipinos from Hawaii come here for 3 months and they already claiming that they from California. I say no way boo you ain’t Killa Cali dude so shake da’ spot. You think Gia Stank, try posting up next to these Dog eaters they are more worse, the women think they Spanish when they from the Asian ethnic group, don’t confuse us latin Americans with your firecrackin’ language and your Nasty features. Go Home ET’s Go Home.

  61. k says:

    Bret is a horny Plastic Blow up doll. He is gettin’ old and lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. He loves and gets off on these strippers and porn stars that don’t give a hoot bout’ him and his health. He’s like a con man he gets the game and lets um’ loose after he hits the shetz. This show is a big mess and there is no winner to win it. Retire ol’ boy, hang up the hair extensions and the plastic facial surgery cuz yo’ time is up Papa.

  62. loiso says:

    Ozzy and Gene Simmons truly has a Wonderful family. I give them props for settling down and not trying to act young and wild, like Bret. He SUCKS ! and so does his trailer trash on the bus of Ghouls and gobblins. The Brunettes are fine but it’s the blondes that are making fools out of themselves, Not all Blondes act ridiculously insane, they are actually well mannered and classy, it’s these indescent women on this reality TV that gives us a dumb image of being low rated.

  63. becca says:

    Farrah and Ashley are about the ugliest nasty excuses for women i’ve ever seen uncluding fakeness

  64. kole says:

    nikki is a *@`+!#`#&~*##`(~`( i miss heather and marcy i love mindy lol shes hot good luck bret michaels

  65. Chris says:

    God I wish I could have a show like this. I would have kept Gia around. She’s hot and has a pretty wet !$&+^!^@&%(%*“+_ it seems.

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