Before we get to rehabilitating the bad boyfriends of Tool Academy, there’s a lot to soak in…
The question is: how much toolage can you take?
We open to the sound of cavemen. Cavemen who believe they’ve been grouped together to find who’s the caveiest among them in VH1-sponsored search…
Of course, that’s not at all why they’re here, but it’s awesome that they think so. Whomever thought of this ruse is the real Mr. Awesome, even if it was a woman.
The guys exit their bus in a whirl of testosterone-driven merriment.
Different dudes talk about their appeal. A tragically misnomered ego-fiend, Celebrity, talks about how well he can booty pop. Girls like this. They can like it all they want, but you know who could really get some use out of a booty-popping dude? Another dude.
This one says that he can pick up dollars with his butt cheeks while he’s stripping…
And again, that seems like a talent that would benefit other men most. If he was into that. Not saying he is. Just saying talent like that would make other dudes very happy.
…keeps the guys riled up with deception. He’s already a hero. He tells them to get ready for a little presentation. This is basically like during some cycles of America’s Next Top Model when they just throw the girls on the runway first episode to get a sense of the raw talent. Except, in this case, the boobs are much bigger.
“That’s how you stay awesome,” says this one. Who knew that just a few pumps of salad spritzer was all it took?
As the boys primp and prepare to talk the runway, the people responsible for bringing them here, their girlfriends, look on.
They seem resigned to a life of disgust.
We then get a rundown of each guy, complete with a Spice Girls-esque Tool nickname, and find out which dissatisfied young woman is his.
I know you’re going to be shocked, but Celebrity isn’t his real name: it’s Clarence. Why he thinks “Celebrity” is an appropriate nickname is a question I hope gets answered this season. You either are or you aren’t a celeb. He isn’t (to paraphrase Lacey on the Charm School reunion: real celebrities don’t run around going, “I’m a celebrity!”). For all of his accuracy, he may as well have named himself “Pregnant” or “Sensitive” or “Doc.”
Josh’s priorities are, according to his girlfriend Ashley: bowling, clubbing and then her.
That’s OK, though. Retribution is immediately upon him for being dubbed “Tiny Tool.” I can’t think of a better punishment.
MEGA’s general peacocking elicits a, “MEGA, please!” from his girl.
She deserves a Ms. Awesome title for that line alone!
We will come to find that “MEGA,” by the way, stands for, “Makes Every Girl Aroused.” I have to say that it’s nice that these guys are so up front with their delusions, they ask that people refer to them by name. It just makes them that easier to dismiss.
The runway show is just an extension of the douchiness we’ve seen so far. There’s a lot of this:
That’s Cameron’s reaction when Celebrity kisses a girl in the audience. Not to downplay her hurt feelings, but that’s kind of the least offensive thing he’s done so far.
Josh totes his bowling ball like it’s a designer handbag, while Tommy dribbles a basketball and ends up bouncing it off a girl’s head.
All together now: What a toooool!
The girls in the audience head inside the mansion for what the guys undoubtedly think is going to be a big vagina-harvesting fest.
However, when they make it inside, instead of shaking boobs, they’re confronted by wagging fingers…
That’s courtesy of their girlfriends. It is here that they find out that this show isn’t called Mr. Awesome at all. Instead, it’s…
Jordan tells them that they’ve been brought here for being lying, selfish cheaters and that this show is actually a 30-day rehabilitation program to teach them honesty, fidelity and maturity. To keep them from walking, the guy who does the best in this series of lessons will win $100,000. Those who are eliminated in the meantime will face their girlfriends, who will then decide if they want to stay in the relationship or dump their dudes. Or is that duds? Same thing on this show, really.
Shawn illustrates the general consensus regarding this changed concept:
But whatever, it’s not like any of these guys are the type to hang up when reality TV comes calling.
The next day, the guys are woken up and told to report to the “therapy room.” Many of them grumble, claiming that they don’t need therapy. Wait a few years boys, and you’ll be up to your frosted tips in necessity. Better to get in early, you know?
Here, we are all introduced to their therapist, a warm and charming Brit named…
Trina explains that this week’s lesson will focus on communication. You assume that she means communication beyond drunken chanting and general, rawr-rawr-rawring. To open the floodgates of communication, everyone will watch everyone else’s pre-show interviews. In his, MEGA says he takes home 14 chicks a week, and has girls (presumably two) for every day of the week. That’s on top of his “bottom bitch” (i.e. Margo), who knows what’s up. Well, now she does. Robert doesn’t believe his girlfriend is 100 percent committed, but he doesn’t want to marry her anyway as he doesn’t want to give half of his money away to a waitress. Shawn equates the number of women he can bag with his amount of success. Celebrity is a straight-up cheater, while Tommy is immature. Joey reports that he’s “trained” Ashley to handle the chores of the house. As they are arguing, you can see Tiny Tool yawning in the foreground.
I get the feeling that for about 75 percent of the screen shots in these recaps, “What a tooool,” is going to be a perfectly appropriate caption.
Tiny tool claims that he runs Ashley and that he’s put his foot down. Though his revelation isn’t nearly as horrible as many of his counterparts’, Ashley’s reaction is the harshest.
She’s probably been waiting forever to do that.
Dimitri doesn’t want to settle down, since guys don’t want love, they want p****. Matt is attractive to all races, and yet his girlfriend Jenna has not yet had sex with him. Curious! The last girl he banged, however, was one “Katrina” and that happened three days ago. Suddenly, Jenna seems like a genius for holding out. Not like she didn’t come off that way before, though, considering that if she hadn’t, she’d be banging a “Matsuflex.”
After this therapy session is adjourned, the girls tearily bond, while the guys beerily bond playing some weird drinking variation of football.
Drinking while playing football just seems like a way to set your hydration askew. Anyway, at one point MEGA and Rob collide.
Although since this is a reality show, the phrase “karma’s a bitch” seems entirely applicable.
The next day brings a new challenge.
In a test of communication, the couples will build beds: the men will have the instructions to dictate to the girls, while the girls will be in control of the tools. Both the hardware and the men! But only kind of in the latter case.
Arguments ensue, but most notable is that between Krista and Tommy.
Tommy eventually gets so frustrated that he throws the chair he’s supposed to dictate the directions from.
He explains, “She was tryin’ ta de-masculate me,” and so chair-throwing helped him reassert his masculinity. Yes, there’s nothing more manly than domination over inanimate furniture.
The beds, by the way, seem to be from Ikea.
This does explain the frustration, if only slightly. Putting together Ikea crap is hard enough if you’re privy to the directions. You practically have to have a degree in the weird ways of the Swedish to actually do it right, you know?
Despite Celebrity’s best efforts to imitate a tool…
…Matsuflex and Jenna end up taking it, at least partially because of Matsuflex’s bust-out of his “man panties.”
For their prize, they get an intimate date on the bed they built.
Matsuflex gives a toast about righting his past wrongs and moving forward. Good thing there are cameras around so that we can check whether he keeps his word or not!
It is important to note that some of the guys are not at all concerned with dispelling the accusation of their tool-ness.
The guys are called in this order: Matsuflex, MEGA, Shawn, Joshua, Celebrity and Joey.
That leaves these three:
Trina goes through them one by one. Tommy proved Krista right by throwing a tantrum and acting like the child she’d pegged him as; Robert gives up at the first sign of adversity and thus quit the challenge; Dimitri doesn’t share his feelings and he was rude and condescending during the challenge.
And thus, he will leave, despite Tommy’s desperate need for improvement. Jordan awesomely tells Dimitri upon dismissal, “I’m sorry, you’re just a tool.” Dimitri, of course, disagrees.
Outside Jill asks Dimitri if she’s wasting her time for him. He says, “I wouldn’t worry about it.” Well of course he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t worry about anything relationship-oriented! He has better things to worry about, like bronzer. Jill ends up getting in the car with him, which means she’s not leaving him.
The other girls disapprove.
In the car, she prods him until he says with resignation, “I love you. There you go.” Such a gentleman! Clearly, his time at Tool Academy was not wasted.