This question probably goes without asking. None of us are, babe. It’s Bret’s world — we just drool at it (and, if we’re lucky, in it).
We begin along with the day.
First of all, I think that’s Ashely and Farrah in bed but I love love love that the blonde quotient on this show is so high that it’s impossible to say for sure. Second of all, how does one get shotgun in the shower? Do you sit by idly as someone else turns the knobs and steps on the shower pedals and plays with Bret’s stick shift? If so: what a wet blanket.
Farrah mourns the loss of Gia, but the loss of her friend has taught her a valuable lesson: “Note to self: do not show your vajayjay in public.” Because who knows what someone will stick in it? Today it’s a test tube. Tomorrow, a Bunsen burner. Also, it’s cute that she has to remind herself this as the temptation clearly is always there and it’s so easy to find yourself with your lady bits flapping in the breeze.
I’m sorry to be so graphic, by the way. I just don’t know any other way to handle this material.
The girls get a note from Bret.
I miss Bret Mail that was entirely in verse, though I do take some solace in the “side/bride” rhyme. Bret interviews that although he’s never made it down the aisle, marriage is never far from his mind. Especially polygamist marriage!
The girls get to work. Brittaney interviews that, “I know that we could be a great team to inspire each other and fly on our beautiful wings of love and make the world a better place.” OK, Jeffrey Osbourne. But really, it’s nice to hear that their wings of love are beautiful. For a second, I was worried that Brittaney and Bret were old brown moths.
Beverly and Marcia have a hard time writing their vows. Beverly jokes that one of her vows should be a promise to do better in the next challenge. Intentional humor from a Rock of Love girl regarding a challenge? Is Beverly a unicorn?
Y’know what’s rock & roll? A purple notebook that says, “Rock & Roll.” That’s what.
But by far the most entertaining preparation comes via Constandina, who sets up her wedding act this way: “I have something so special in mind that I want to give to him as a gift. It’s very classy and it’s very…artsy, and it’s very…different than probably anything Bret Michaels has ever seen.” Well, it isn’t a vajayjay shot, but it’s almost as special:
The best thing about this is that Marcia is totally oblivious to the magic that’s happening just a few feet behind her. I look at this gif and I want to scream at it like it’s a horror movie: turn around! For the love of god, Marcia, turn around! You’re about to be attacked by artsiness!
The girls reach their destination (they’re in Indianapolis this week, btw) and Bret addresses them in front of the church they’re going to get fake-married in. That church is gonna need to be burned to the ground to exorcise its demons after this episode of sacrilege.
Who needs Jesus when you’ve got a projected Rock of Love logo? That’s VH1’s Jesus, anyway. Ratings Jesus.
Bret awesomely tells the girls that they look “absolutely smoking beautiful”…
…as though they’re sausages in waiting for something. Which they kind of are. Bret tells them that there’s a wardrobe room full of dresses for them to change into for the fake-weddings.
He tells them also of accessories at their disposal, and when he does, it’s clear that Bret Michaels pronounces “accessories” with the same soft-C sound as Miss J, on America’s Next Top Model. Fun fact!
Brittaney, meanwhile, is, like, touched to be fake-married to Bret.
I’d advise her to get a grip, except that she’s clutching her heart with such voraciousness that I think it would be best if she would loosen it, instead.
Outfitting gets underway.
Anyone got a Buttery Nipple? Don’t miss out on this opportunity! Also, when Ashley notices that Beverly is not dressing like Stephanie Seymour’s family-embarrassment bridesmaid in the “November Rain” video, she notes that Bret wants someone that stands out and has big t**s. How big t**ts could make a person stand out in this group is beyond me. Big t**ts merely level the playing field.
Bret waits at the alter, in an outfit you probably could have predicted.
First up is Brittaney.
As the vows are read, the girls watch in the changing room on a closed-circuit TV. You don’t even need sound to understand the contempt her competitors have for her so early in the game.
And, you know, contempt is one thing. Contempt coming from an Amazonian blonde in a Jamiroquai hat is another, infinitely more tragic thing.
Brittaney has five pages of vows.
Among these five pages: “I will be your umbrella in the rain” (but no “ella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey”?) and “If there’s ever a tear to fall from your perfect face, I will kiss it away until a tender smile blesses me.” Judging from Bret’s stoic reaction, prying that smile out might take a while. His face would be, like, raw by the end of that session.
Next up is Farrah.
She looks like virtual insanity. Her vows include the couplet, “We can party and have a good time / And occasionally, you can hit it from behind.”
As if Bret Michaels even knows what “occasionally” means!
Next is Maria. Bret kisses her and she licks her fingers as if he’s covered in barbecue sauce.
His soul is, at least.
Ashely and Kelsey go. The latter does a boob-moving trick that involves flexing her pecs. It’s cute, but Heather’s is better.
Marcia’s vow is pretty awesome.
“I promise to cook you the best, rockin’ food and never, ever wear panties.” That sounds potentially hairy. Keep this one away from the bean sprouts to avoid confusion.
Constandina belly-dances down the aisle in a manner that suggests that she has no idea how over-the-top she is.
She explains that she wants to enchant Bret “like a snake charmer.” Yeah, so does everyone. “Snake charmer” is another way to say “Rock of Love girl.” Always with the euphemisms, that Constandina.
Samantha reports that she is “in love” with Bret and would marry him for real. She also repeatedly informs him that she’s “easy.” Funny how the two points are not mutually exclusive.
And then there is Beverly the rebel.
This motocross shirt…thing is actually a gift for Bret, as is this helmet:
She really should have worn that as a veil.
Natasha wants to introduce a third party into their wedding.
Whenever someone foists some plastic upon you and implies that you should have sex with it at the beginning of your relationship, it’s probably not a sign of sexy things to come. Just saying.
Mindy presents Bret with a sculpture of her torso.
He can’t even have sex with that! Worst present ever!
Melissa gets all misty and says that when Season 2 of Rock of Love ended, she made a wish on a $2 bill.
I guess she’s implying that she wished for Bret and Ambre to break up, which: nice. At the end of this season, don’t you Bret-lovers out there start making wishes on $3 bills. That would just be queer.
Megan gives Bret stuffed animals.
You can see how excited he is to receive them.
And then there is the lovely Brittanya.
She proves the extent of her loveliness by presenting Bret with body jewelry and telling him that when they “really become friends,” he can find out where it belongs and put it back. That sounds like a hell of a friendship. I hope they forge that bond before the hole closes up.
Finally, there is Taya.
She gives Bret some framed pictures from her Penthouse shoots. She also gives him the lingerie she wore in one of her shoots.
He’ll, no doubt, get a lot of use out of it. Farrah mocks Taya’s holier-than-thou attitude, as it comes from someone who spreads for Penthouse spreads. It’s a wonderful point that I’d love to hear the rationalization for. Let’s hope Taya eventually gets to it!
Anyway, Bret ends up choosing Taya, Brittanya and Farrah as the winners of this challenge. This puts Brittaney in a tailspin.
The sad truth is that if Brittaney ever chooses to show Bret this side of her, he probably won’t, you know? She’s going to end up being her own undoing, I can feel it! Until then, I guess, we can bask in her spontaneous misery.
If we don’t, they will. I mean, they will anyway, and you don’t want to be left out from the cool kids, do you?
They check into a hotel that is brimming with theme rooms.
But before they can do to each other what the conceit of this show would have them hoping to do with Bret, there is a barbecue to be had.
Here, Marcia picks up a bottle of Patron and bellows at it…
…”You going down!” She is seriously Rock of Love‘s answer to Cookie Monster.
Tequila leads to, of course, a lap dance…
…which leads to the pearl-clutching of a contestant who isn’t Taya…
Or perhaps Maria’s just paying tribute to Natasha’s blow-up doll. She couldn’t be here tonight because she’s feeling under the weather.
The lap dances continue.
Brittaney runs inside and when she comes out, she looks like this:
That’s what this competition is all about! Regarding Brittaney’s wardrobe choice, Ashley interviews, “I didn’t even know they made bikinis in size fat f***!” Ashely is like a walking YouTube comment. She’s mean as a snake and about as eloquent, too.
Brittaney’s lap dance seems to invite a gynecological exam.
Bret seems confused. Perhaps he’s not used to seeing them upside down.
Here’s another angle:
You’re very welcome!
They move the party inside to play a game Bret has dubbed Are You Smarter Than a Rock Star? Bret has three all-access passes, like the kind he made up on the spot last season. I guess what this is telling us is that they were a stroke of genius? Eh? Anyway, they can be used at any time to divert Bret’s attention away from whatever’s jiggling in front of him and to the pass-holder.
Are the girls smarter than a rock star, by the way? The answer is a resounding, “No!” Big John asks the first question: how many months have 28 days? People scream, “One!” Even Bret doesn’t get it.
The answer is, of course: all of them. The next question wonders if you have 16 groupies and three pass out, how many menage a trois can Bret have? The answer is six. Bret says 6.5, but still gets this right, as he does the next question: if you have six beers on the floor and take away four, how many do you have? Not enough to justify your Rock of Love-like behavior should be the answer, but actually it’s four. Taya correctly asnwers questions about the green room and Poison’s state of origin (if the accent weren’t the dead giveaway, it’s Pennsylvania. Duh). No one knows how many members are in a sextuplet. I think the mention of “sex” threw everyone off course. Then Big John starts reading a question that goes, “If three groupies, eight fans and one rock star board a private jet…” but we never hear the answer because Brittanya decides to start biting on Bret’s lips. So begins a make-out montage.
In the end, Bret decides to give the passes to the girls who were “sincerely into it.” They go to Brittanya, Taya and Natasha. Hm, as Brittanya and Taya both won the challenge earlier, it would seem that he gave them to the girls he’s sincerely into. Or just wants to bang first. Whatever.
Brittaney is, as usual, crushed.
And I’m not talking about her boobs in that top when I say “crushed.” Although I could be. She rants about not getting a pass and then says, “I don’t feel good, I’m not feeling like I have that connection with Bret that I thought could be, and [voice breaking] I wish that I was never here because of how upset I am with myself and my actions.” Oh yeah, she’s totally spoiled her reputation. From now on people will laugh at her wherever she goes for losing Are You Smarter Than a Rock Star. For shame, Brittaney. For shame.
Back in the rooms, Farrah, Ashley and Natasha discuss Brittaney’s emotional state and age. Brittaney flies in and tells them not to talk s***. This leads to a rant that climaxes with Britney singling Natasha out and saying…
Ugh. What a terrible choice. Natsha flies right back at her, saying…
“You tan to get closer to my complexion, bitch!” Ha! Good point! When they can pull themselves out from each others’ faces, Brittaney reveals that…
…”My grandfather’s black!” O RLY? Gotta hand it to her for innovation, though: usually it’s, “I can’t be racist, I have black friends!” With her it’s, “I can’t be racist, I have a black grandfather!” Much like Bret’s promise in the Season 1 & 2 theme song, these girls will show you things you’ve never seen. In an interview, Brittaney clarifies (or clouds, depending on your point of view) with, “My grandfather is African American, and he’s a beautiful black man.” How interesting. The scene climaxes with Brittaney lying in a bed that looks like a space ship, wailing that she wants to go home. Let me guess: her other grandfather is an alien.
Bret licks his lips like a slightly older man would his gums and proclaims these girls, his “future ex-wives.” How beautiful. He’s really hopeful that these (apparently polygamous) reality show relationships will last longer than the previous ones. And really, when it comes to reality show relationships, that’s all you can ask for.
Bret takes the girls on a hayride…
And then they have a picnic. Bret asks Taya what kind of music she’s into and she goes on and on about Bonnie Raitt and James Taylor and growing up in bars, which explains the former point I guess, although kill me please if “You’ve Got a Friend” ever ever ever comes on the jukebox when I’m out. Anyway! During the midst of this walk through Taya’s musical life, Brittanya decides to use her all-access pass to shut her up. Bret makes Farrah and Taya go sit in the sun about 50 yards away. In an interview, Taya notes how stupid it is to use your pass when you’re sitting right next to Bret. Indeed, it is at least a little bit not too smart. But it’s OK! Farah and Taya eventually get hot and sweaty in the boob area (which: what else is new?) and they rejoin the group, though not before Brittanya can proclaim Bret the “hottest guy” she’s “ever seen.” OK, she’s going to be staying around for a while.
Back at the hotel, reconciliation becomes apparent.
Marcia says that she and former rival Ashley are now friends. Their common bond is tequila. Hair color drove them apart, alcohol brought them together. In this universe, that little triumph of the human spirit is enough to warrant a spin-off. Can’t wait!
Bret comes back to have last-minute one-on-ones with the girls.
Melissa again asks to be sent home but ends up making out with Bret.
I’m beginning to sense a pattern!
Constandina reveals that she’s taken a religious vow to not have “all-the-way sex” for three years. I’m not going to hypothesize what part-of-the-way sex could mean, but apparently tongue-kissing is off-limits.
After being bombarded by this show’s imagery for three seasons, I forgot that it is possible to kiss without tongues. That makes Christmas with the family really awkward.
Finally, there is Brittaney, who doesn’t want to get into what happened last night but proceeds to tell a ridiculously one-sided account of the girls turning on her.
Bret cuts her off and tells her he has to prepare for elimination. Sucks for Brittaney! Now more than ever!
Elimination comes. Brittanya gets the first pass for stroking Bret’s ego so well, and Melissa informs us that Beverly smells like a man. Fascinating stuff. In the end, Bret’s left with six girls:
He divides the group into troublemakers and squares when he calls Melissa, Brittaney and Marcia up. Even though they’re all problematic in their varying hysteria, they’re staying!
This means that Megan, Samantha and Constandina are all hitting the road.
Constandina is particularly pissed and rants about thinking that this show was “Rock of Love, not Rock of F***.” Uh, has she ever watched, like a single episode? Love = f***. Duh! In the time Constandina spent not having sex, she really could have been doing some research.