Not dead enough, though!
We open on this.
Just in case you were worried that the guys might not live up to last week’s pageantry, there you go.
And just in case you were worried that the guys might not live up to last week’s douchiness, here you go:
This is the result of a conversation Shawn strikes with Josh. Shawn says he’d rate Jaimee has a 9 in bed and asks Josh how Ashley rates. A 6 is his answer. That’s about 5 better than he deserves. Shawn asks how much she weighs and, as you can see above, Josh doesn’t know.
Do these guys realize that their girlfriends that they’re supposedly trying to keep are going to watch these shows and all the crap they’ve talked will bring the need for even more therapy? And by then, it won’t be free?
I have a feeling that right about now, even the blow-up doll’s standards are too high for Josh.
The guys love this and a round of pounds and guffaws follow. Next on the menu is the subject of Jenna’s chastity. She’s incorrectly identified as a virgin. Not true, she’s had three sex partners, all black. Somehow this is highly relevant to everyone. Because if there’s anything these guys like almost as much as chasing tail, it’s talking about penis. Implied black-male stereotypes abound and seem to be reinforced by MEGA, at least.
Everyone’s called to the therapy room, where Trina explains that today’s lesson will be on the subject of fidelity. Unbeknown to the guys, they were taped while they had an interaction with a hot makeup artist. And we get to watch the results! Cringe! You’re on hidden camera!
First up is Matsuflex.
Matsuflex also gives her his number and asks for hers so that they can hang (or…uh, stand up straight, as it were) after the show wraps. Nice. Jenna is, of course, a wreck after seeing this. Matsuflex explains that he gets carried away and that his energy keeps going. Straight to his crotch, he means? He says he wants to get better, which Trina takes as progress. Meh.
MEGA passes, but Margo still takes issue with him, saying she wants him to pass more than just one challenge. Trina tells her to can it, in her polite, British way.
Tommy also passes. He explains that he thinks even thinking about cheating is cheating. What the hell is he, a Bible?
Hard! And, uh, sloppy. Cameron takes this particularly hard because kissing is “so sacred” to her. Celebrity talks about his addiction to hooking up (while referring to himself in the third person, because you’re not fully living up to the obnoxiousness implied by calling yourself “Celebrity” unless you’re doing it literally). He then changes his tune and fake cries an apology.
He resolves to drop the “Celebrity” moniker and go by “Clarence” from now on. We’ll see if he can overcome his addiction to the third person as well.
At least Josh didn’t compare her to a blow-up doll this time. He also passes on the makeup artist’s pass, so yay for him.
Joey tells the makeup artist that he’s serious with his girl “in a way.” Though they exchange info, he says that he didn’t cross the line because he wasn’t planning on following through with the communication. Ashley isn’t so convinced.
Robert gave her more than a crotch bump; he also gave her his number.
And then there is Shawn.
After all the damning evidence, he starts groveling but in a completely unaffected, Patrick Bateman-esque way. Keep the Brie away from this one. As he’s attempting to undo what he just did, a woman comes in.
She introduces herself as Shawn’s girlfriend of six years.
You can tell by the look in his eyes that she ain’t lying.
Her name is Aida and she tells Jaimee that she’s taking her seat. Up till now, Jaimee only knew Aida as Shawn’s “psycho ex-girlfriend.” Shawn explains that things got Rocky with Aida a few months ago, which is when Jaimee entered the picture and just wait a second because she took him on this show for reform after a few months? Girl, you probably wouldn’t have been violating the return policy of the hardware store you found this tool in if you just brought him back. Maybe she lost her receipt? But seriously: a few months? Cut all losses!
Which is actually what she ends up doing. She relinquishes her seat and deems Shawn “dead” to her.
She thinks he made a fool of her, but if so, it was by accident. He doesn’t have the capacity to consider others long enough to make anything out of them. And really, Jaimee’s made out the better than anyone on this show so far. She wins!
Shawn and Aida sit down with Trina for some counseling of their own.
And honestly, I wonder all over again what the hell he was going to do when this show started airing and he was still “with” Aida? Are these people just chronically shortsighted or is the glare of the reality TV camera too attractive to pass up? Either way, Trina may want to give up talking thing and move on to the sledgehammers.
Anyway, Trina seems happy that Shawn’s no longer lying because you can’t progress in therapy if you are keeping secrets. He says he’s lucky to have Aida back in his life and she agrees to give him one last chance. I wonder how many of these he’s gotten so far. I’m guessing dozens.
Back in the guys’ bunk, Shawn’s repentance is even more transparent than before. His conscience is invisible to the point of nonexistence.
He tells his fellow tools, “Let’s concentrate on the positive thing: I did have two hot girlfriends at one point.”
I’m posting that screen shot to show you that he can be smug in short and long sleeves. Everyone toasts beers to his sentiment. It’s almost shocking that a contest to crush the cans with their butt cheeks does not immediately follow.
In the girls’ house, many of them project clear disdain for Aida, especially Margo. They seem to think that she’s a fool for being with Shawn in light of what happened. If jealousy is a disease, projection is senility.
With the next day comes a new challenge: a dance competition. Everyone is excited, particularly the more strippery types. Advising the teams will be this guy.
He gets compared to Ron Jeremy’s brother, but he’s straight up Christopher Guest-character from where I’m sitting. Anyway. the teams will put their own spins on the tango. The prize for this week will be a conjugal visit. That’s none of my business and I wish this show wouldn’t make it so, but whatever. I guess we all have to suffer somehow. Robert gushes that he needs a conjugal visit “like the deserts need the rain.” Everything But the Tool, much?
While Joey is way too domineering, on the girls’ side, Ashley is entirely insecure.
I can’t imagine why, what with that wonderful support system she has and all!
After they rehearse, it’s time for the competition.
Now I’m insecure.
Each team has thought up a name for their tango version.
These names, by the way, have nothing to do with the actual dances and everything to do with what’s going on in the respective couples’ relationships. For all the obliviousness on the guys’ part, and the girls’ willingness to put up with it, it’s shocking that there’s not a Scratch My Balls Tango or a Pull My Finger Tango.
This is also known in my head as the I Don’t Even Wanna Know Tango.
Clarence hams it up and puts on what Trina deems a “one-man show” and thus Celebrity rears his bloated head once more.
The Top 3 are…
The ultimate winners are Matsuflex and Jenna. But they don’t even bang! If youth is wasted on the young, conjugality is wasted on the celibate.
Whatever, at least they get a nice room to not do it in.
Robert bitches about the prize being wasted on the couple that doesn’t get down like that, saying if it were him, he woulda had “ears by the ankles.” But then he revises himself and says he would have “made love,” because he doesn’t want his girl getting mad. Ha! Do you really think the editors have your back, Robert? Exposing the entitlement of tools is what this show is all about.
It’s also about seeing Matsuflex in increasingly ridiculous underwear as we do when he gets back to his rom the next day.
Shawn notes that not even the “gayest of strippers” would wear something like that. Isn’t it funny how straight guys are often so much gayer than gay ones?
Tommy is the first called, and the Bottom 3 is what you see above: Clarence, Shawn and Joey. Clarence renounced the name “Celebrity,” but regressed during the challenge. Shawn is a two-timing champion of tools. Joey connected with the makeup girl more than his own, and also was extremely bullying. And for that, he is leaving.
Outside he weeps to Ashley and says coming on this show has shown him what a d*** he’s been and that he loves her and wants to be with her forever. Despite saying that she wasn’t going to take him back should he be eliminated, Ashley does and they drive off together. Here’s what Jenna has to say about that:
Smart girl. I mean, she’s still on this show and all, but if we’ve learned anything so far it’s that you need to take hope where you can find it.