Oh, Bret. Will you continue to stay here and rock my LOL?
Rise and shine, oatmeal pancakes!
We’ve got a show to cover!
As the girls check out of that weird theme hotel that they spent the night in last episode, Ashley underscores the collective disdain for Brittaney: “She when to the Alien Invasion room for a reason: because aliens need to abduct her fat ass and bring her to somewhere else because we don’t want her.” In the event of alien unavailability, I wonder if Real and Chance would do? Close enough, right?
On the bus is information on the girls’ next destination.
The “Tenacious 12″ are heading to Champaign, Il. Everyone is thrilled when they hear the name of the town, but no one more than Kelsey who gushes, “I have no clue where Champaign is, but all I know is it’s my favorite drink, so we’re going to the bottom of the bottle, y’know? I’m excited.” As if they haven’t yet reached the bottom of the bottle already, both literally and figuratively, by agreeing to appear on this show!
When the girls’ bus stops, it drops them off at an ice rink. There, they see Bret who creepily beckons them.
In a fit of slips, giggles and jiggles, the girls make their way across the ice to him.
On the way over, one notes that she doesn’t “do good on ice.” But then again, she probably doesn’t do good on traction, either, knowing this group.
Bret announces that he has devised a challenge that will engage his inner sports fan and nurturer. Kelsey and the cud she has wedged in her mouth couldn’t be more excited.
Yes, it’s another iteration of the Save Baby Bret game of last season, except this time it’s on ice.
The girls will play against the University of Illinois Women’s Hockey Club, as well as a “good friend” of Bret’s. As she skates up, someone notes, “I’ve seen that hair before.” Probably on a maxi pad. For you see, today’s special guest is none other than…
Lacey Connor! Apparently, Evil Lacey is gracing us today. But then, so is…
…Disheveled Lacey. She seriously looks unhinged. Like, more so than usual!
The girls begin practicing. There’s a lot of this…
…which is actually the real reason for the challenge. Obviously!
Farrah mumbles something about the girls being professionals or not or…something, and adds, “What the French?” I believe this is the third straight episode, in which she’s uttered what is obviously her catchphrase. I’d warn her with the Quimby Family rule of comedy (first time’s funny, second time’s silly, third time’s a spanking), but she might enjoy that too much. But seriously, Farrah. Change up the lingo. You seem to have so much potential. Please don’t become the living talking doll that is Tim Gunn.
While Kelsey skates around the rink with the grace of an extra in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice, Ice, Scabies, Beverly seems to be all thumbs where her skates her concerned.
Her incompetence is noted so often by so many that it’s clear that (SPOILER ALERT) this is all a ruse.
Enough of this. Bret decides that it’s time to divide the girls into teams. Ashley, Natasha and Maria are his captain choices. When he calls up Ashley, he encourages her with, “Come on, hot mess!” She doesn’t seem to mind being referred to as such. Glad we’re all on the same page!
The teams are divided this way: Kelsey, Marcia and Farrah are on Ashley’s team; Brittanya, Mindy and Taya are on Natasha’s (when Natasha chooses Brittanya first, she explains that they’re BFFs and that this way they can “suck together,” which a Rock of Love Bus-approved activity if ever there were); finally, Melissa, Brittaney and Beverly are on Maria’s team. Instead of a normal two-goal hockey set-up, there are three goals of varying distances from the center of the rink that the girls must attempt to score in. The farther the goal, the more points it’s worth.
Natasha’s Blue Team is up first. Highlights of their round include Brittanya’s bleeding pierced navel, a decapitated Baby Bret…
…and a possibly concussed Natasha…
And here’s a close-up, possibly concussed Natasha.
Bret notes that Natasha dusted herself right off, thus taking it like a man. Hey Mickey, you’re so…confusing.
The team ends up with four points, all courtesy of Mindy.
Next up is Ashley’s Black Team, which ends up with just two points because Kelsey only goes for the one-point goal.
After scoring the first one in the one-pointer, they should have gone for a more valuable goal, since, as Farrah notes, the Blue Team has already scored 4. She adds mega-awesomely, “Oh piss!” Now there is the catchphrase potential that I knew she had! This girl, I’m tellin’ ya. This girl’s a star.
As the Pink Team gets ready for their to-be-terrible-except-not-at-all round on the ice, Farrah yells at them, “You guys suck like a Hoover!” Looks like someone’s keen on joining the Writer’s Guild!
Except, they don’t suck like a Hoover at all. They glide like a Zamboni, thanks to Beverly’s scheme to be underestimated. They score five points immediately, winning the date.
To this, Farrah, of course, has something to say…
I don’t know if she’s a genius or the second coming of Boss Hogg or what, but with every utterance Farrah is fast becoming a gem in the Rock of Love crown.
But it isn’t all roses or biscuit eatin’ bulldogs — there’s been an injury. After falling face-first into the ice, Melissa worries that she popped her freakin’ implant. I didn’t know that was possible, but since it is, why is this the first time that it’s happening on this show? You’d think with all the bouncing and jiggling and mashing, someone would have had at least leakage by this point. I guess it’s just a testament to the fine doctors across the country working endlessly to make sure the men (and, let’s face it, ladies) of our fine nation are adequately aroused.
Anyway, Melissa is very concerned, so she speaks with…someone (?) about this:
Melissa doesn’t know the answer to this question. Come on, Melissa. Even Brandi C., knew enough to contrast her breasts to the “Gummi Bear” variety that was, I guess, all the rage back in 2007. Get it together!
Ashley, at least, offers some helpful insight: “If Melissa busted her breast implant playing hockey, then she got ‘em done in Tiajuana because $300 boob jobs pop for not reason, OK?” And thus, Ashley has introduced the world to the previously little-known concept of breast-implant snobbery. I know I noted it last week, but the collective innovation of these women cannot be understated. This show is just as educational as anything you see on National Geographic or Discovery. And buoyant, to boot!
The whole boob explosion ends with that official woman telling Melissa to…
Thank god for experts!
While Bret corrals the Pink Team for his date, something is afoul on the Pink Bus…
Oh, piss. Literally! Farrah’s not just slick-tongued, she’s also a prophet! Except not really. It’s actually maybe some food that Brittaney has been stashing in her bed.
If you think it’s bitchy of the girls to blame the bad smell on Brittaney, well…it isn’t bitchy if you’re right. Another possible source of the smell?
Sweaty socks, specifically those worn by the girls during the hockey game earlier. WTF? For real? Everyone’s disgusted and surprised at Brittaney’s stash. Best case scenario, it’s awfully fetishy. Worst case scenario: sweat voodoo.
Farrah’s hypothesis as to why Brittaney would need socks falls somewhere in the middle: she thinks Brittaney needs them as a cheap boob lift.
…you stick a sock under…
…and voila! You have boobs just as perky as Farrah’s. Not that she knows this from experience or anything.
Meanwhile, Bret’s taken his four “dates” to a strip club, where they’re expected to perform. God, that would be like Bret taking me to the Viacom building for our date. Although, I’d happily blog that, so I guess I can relate. I have the heart of a stripper, you could say if you wanted. And I kind of want you to want to say that.
Everyone’s having a crotch-grindingly good time except for Beverly.
She interviews that she’s not feeling this. Yet, everyone wants her to join her counterparts on stage. Even Bret does. He tells her with more than a touch of irritation, “You’re here to party. Go!” Forcing someone to party? Why not go whole-hog and bust out the funnel and speculum?
Beverly eventually makes it to the stage, where she takes part in one of the most amazing screen shots I’ve ever captured.
I mean, if you can tear your eyes away from the invisible cloud of piss hanging above Bev, feast your eyes on Maria whose very exposed boob isn’t even the most exciting part of her ensemble. It’s the leashes she has attached to her collar and wrists. That way she can walk herself. She’s a retired model, did you know that? That’s what they do.
Anyway, Beverly informs us she is not going to drop her drawers in front of God, Bret Michaels and everybody, in that order. The other girls, however…
Here’s more of the same…
…and yet it loses none of its entertainment value, thanks to Beverly’s disdain and Maria’s self-bondage.
Also of note is a hilarious monologue from Brittaney regarding her past and how it’s just that and she’s moving on with her life except…
…she isn’t. Not that there’s anything wrong with it! It’s really watchable, in fact!
Intercut with this is a scene of the non-daters checking into a hotel and being made to drag their bags up stairs.
She probably ate the sweaty socks, too. That couldn’t have helped. You know how heavy cotton gets when it’s wet. Also, it’s hilarious that the spelling of Brittaney’s name is too complicated even for the subtitlers.
Back at the club, Bret decides to take Beverly aside to find out whassa goin’ on with her pissiness. She’s a rocker chick, for God’s sake! It shouldn’t be this hard to get her to show some skin and mime like she’s showing much more! Beverly explains that she doesn’t want to put herself out there like that because she has three (!) kids. Bret helpfully points out that her kids aren’t here. Well, they are if they stumble upon this show, which shouldn’t be too hard since it’s shown approximately 5,000 during any given week. They end up seemingly resolving things…
And yet, Bret interviews that Beverly’s kind of a buzzkill. Bret’s about as sensitive as a beer shotgun.
The girls meet the non-dates at the hotel, much to the glee of the Blontourage…
Yay! Now they get to be bitchy to Brittaney’s face instead of just doing so behind her back. They call her out on stealing the socks. She indignantly interviews that she did not steal the socks. She asked the rink’s owner and provider of them if she could have them and he said yes. So there! Never in her rant does she explain why she wanted them in the first place, which is kind of like getting belligerent when someone accuses you of stabbing someone with a dagger only to be all, “I did it with a butter knife!” Sometimes how just isn’t as important as why.
Why, Brittaney, why?
Anyway, she feels ostracized and picked on enough to go sleep in the bus.
That’s what she says, at least. My theory is that she was just hungry.
Meanwhile, in another room, Melissa talks loudly on a cell phone that she isn’t supposed to have.
Did it really take seeing him in person to realize that Bret wears extensions? Melissa adds that she doesn’t like Bret as a person. As someone who cared enough to dig up a $2 bill after watching Rock of Love 2, how on earth did she not know what she was getting into?
No matter. Natasha tells Farrah while Melissa is at the hospital the next morning getting her boob examined. If she didn’t have such an attitude, she could have got that done for much cheaper on one of the buses. Just saying. Her boob, by the way, is indeed leaking and she has torn tendons. When she gets back to the hotel, Farrah, of course, spearheads the confrontation. Melissa denies ever having made the phone call. Farrah tells her to prove that she didn’t. Farrah knows nothing of the burden of proof, but whatever. That’s the risk you take when you speak so colorfully. Bret eventually arrives and Brittaney whines to him about being ostracized.
Bret wonders if Brittaney is crazy. Crazy, not in the “rock and roll good way,” but crazy-crazy. You better believe “rock and roll good way” is entering my lexicon with the determination of a biscuit eatin’ bulldog. At last, influential phrasing that wasn’t devised by Farrah. Who in the French ever would have thought?
Like hell they are! Bret has left with Farrah and Ashley who inform him about the Melissa’s smack talk. Farrah lets him know what Melissa said about his appearance and that she’s not there for him.
Such a helper!
Bret returns to the room and tells “everybody who’s not named Melissa” to leave. That’s such a roundabout way of saying what he has to. Perhaps that comes from his background as a lyricist. If so, he accomplished his goal in the rock and roll so-so way.
Bret confronts Melissa.
She lies boldly, claiming, “I never made a phone call.” Bret recaps the “bipolar roller coaster” she’s put him on so far, and adds with disdain that they haven’t even had sex yet! In this environment that’s actually a great point.
Elimination! Farrah is dressed in a manner that could only be described as a rock and roll good way.
Actually, it might do you well to soak in all the outfits.
I know there’s already a show with this title, but with some minor editing, Rock of Love easily could be called What Not To Wear and lose absolutely nothing.
Bret addresses the girls by saying, “For the last couple of days, we have definitely been rockin’ and rollin’ on this tour.” And as you know, he likes to rock! Bret says there have been some good highs and lows. When he says “highs,” we see Ashley doing this…
It begs the question: is she high?
Bret addresses the hair allegations first, because obviously they’re the most important. He says that he’s dropped “quality money on the finest hair extensions Europe has to offer.” This way you know he’s a cool guy who isn’t above acknowledging his fake hair. It’s actually impressive every time he does this. Would you really have guessed that he had that much of a sense of humor about himself? Joke away, he’s all good. Melissa speaks up and says she’s not feeling this. Bret knows she isn’t and. He had a feeling she was a player. He tells her to get the f*** out. Clearly, everything just rolls off his back.
Melissa interviews that the show left her with a busted up boob and a f***ed up arm and it wasn’t worth it. No solace to be taken in the fact that millions got to watch you bust up your boob and f*** up your arm, even?
Elimination proceeds like it always does. Kelsey gets the first pass. Good for her. She’s cute. Although I do wonder if she’s cute in the rock and roll good way or just cute-cute. (OK, that’s the last rock and roll good way I’m gonna use…for now.) When Maria gets her pass, she enthuses, “After tonight, I feel like we have a connection. I know he knows my name!”
Yes. Having your existence acknowledged on a reality show is a very special thing.
It comes down to Brittaney and Beverly. Bret believes that the Lord gives you two eyes to look forward. I thought the Lord gave you an eye for each boob? Whatever, the point is that Bret isn’t holding Brittaney’s past against her, he’s holding her present against her. She’s leaving.
Bret interviews that he’ll always have Brittaney’s DVDs in his heart and on his tour bus. Yet another reason those eyes are helpful. Our Lord is indeed an awesome one! And I hate to use the word “awesome” a lot, but it is.