Rock Of Love Bus Recap – Episode 4 – Kissing To Be Unclever


Just a brief refresher on the rules of Rock of Love:


…is completely acceptable.


…is not.

Any questions?

Bad news, guys, bad news: Maria has to leave the show.

I know, you’re as placid-porno shocked as Farrah is right now. Lest her constant proclamations from last episode give you the wrong idea, Maria isn’t making a trek to a pasture for retired models. I know, you’re even more shocked. She has a “medical condition,” according to Big John. He doesn’t elaborate, but he doesn’t need to: Maria was liked by everyone and will be missed. Had she stayed a few more episodes and posed a threat, “everyone” would have a more narrow definition, but hey, it’s better to burn out than fade away, right?

A somber Bret decides to give the woman who will no longer be in the running toward his penis a call.

His reaction to what Maria told the doctors as they were trying to tap her veins (as subtitled above) is, “Aww. See?” Obviously, he’s so torn up inside that he’s afraid to show it. Duh! He resolves to go visit her even though no one is supposed to. The titular character of the reality show you were just competing on counts as family, no? In addition to potentially lifting the spirit of the hospitalized, his visit will show how big of a rebel Bret can be. Rules, schumles. Sticking it to a hospital, after all, is soooo rock and roll.

So while Bret does that, the girls ride to their next destination, Chicago. Their Bret Mail tells them to “dress to impress.” As if they had to be told!

Marcia, of course, gets bombed and even shows the Pink Bus something that they haven’t seen for at least 20 minutes.

Her ass. Impressed yet?

The girls arrive looking like fembots who rose up and ditched the assembly line before they could be sanded down.

And, perhaps, hosed down, as well.

I would like to note that Marcia is wearing her black veil from the wedding challenge, which obviously goes perfectly with her nipples.

Bret explains that today’s challenge is “simply called” the Roadie Challenge. After all, why put in any naming effort when you don’t need to? It’s not like anyone cares except for me. They’ll be divided into two teams who have to work on identical concert stages, dismantling them and getting them into trailers backstage. Whichever team gets their stage in the trailer first wins. To divide the teams, Bret has the girls pick color-coded guitar picks from a velvet bag. Ashley, Beverly, Brittanya and Natasha comprise the Red Team team, while Farrah, Mindy, Taya and Kelsey make up the Black. Marcia is given an automatic win for picking the special green pick.

This means that along with the winning team, she’ll receive full VIP treatment before, during and after tonight’s concert, and share a date with Bret and the girls. And all she had to do was show up! She could have let the nipples stay inside and everything! Not that she would have, but whatever.

The challenge begins. Mindy has to pee. Her bladder seems to be attempting to burst out of her forehead.

Call it Apeena (since I know you’re dying to call Mindy’s bladder something). This point would not be particularly notable were it not for the Farrahism of the Week: “Suck it up, and hold your pee!” That these would seem to be contradictory orders but aren’t is one more indication that Farrah’s grasp on the English language is beyond accelerated. It’s divine.

Anyway, the girls have no idea what they’re doing, awesomely. To wit:

Taya deems herself the unofficial leader of the group, and her outfit seems to suggest that if her babies are hungry, she’s got that covered, too.

Make that uncovered.

She’s hustling like a mad woman, striking and throwing and rushing and and and… As Bret is going on and on about the need for her to stay safe so as to preserve her sexiness because he doesn’t want to go out with his burly road manager that night (?), this happens:

At first, it seems tragic, but then, not so much. Taya picks herself right back up and continues working.

What a trooper! But then, it becomes clear that Taya is hurt.

As she sobs, Farrah tells her to shut up and keep working.

Clearly, this woman is not enrolled in the Bret Michaels School of Sensitivity, as a simple, “Awww. See?” would have been sufficient.

Meanwhile, Marcia who’s been barking half-intelligible orders from the front of the stage, despite (or maybe because of) not having a damn thing at stake in this challenge, decides to take Bret aside and steal some one-on-one time.

Seemingly out of nowhere, she tells Bret she doesn’t love him. BAD MOVE. Quick, save face and compliment his solo album! Bret begrudgingly agrees, saying he’s not in love but he is “in lust” with all of the girls. Marcia isn’t even there. “We gotta work on that, then,” says Bret. What kind of lust-building exercises could Marcia do? Kegels?

Marcia interviews that it’s hard to have a connection with someone when you don’t talk to them, or when you don’t remember when you actually have. Well, whatever. All’s well that ends with your head in the toilet, that’s what I always say this one time while referring to Marcia.

Meanwhile, there’s lots of this:

Finally, after much pushing and bitching (at last, a Rock of Love challenge mimics the best possible Rock of Love challenge outcome), the Red Team wins.

Ashley knows that this is a boob-grab-worthy occasion. But then, what isn’t?

The Black Team is seriously salty about their loss.

Mindy says that losing this proves that no matter how hard you try, you’ll lose. Or, in the case of the Red Team, win. Like, what? Oh well, at least she looks hot saying it. Who knew her bod was so ferocious?

Taya cries as the Red Team is escorted off to receive their VIP treatment.

But Bret has something else up his sleeve, and this time, it’s particularly convoluted! He hands out cell phones to the girls and tells them that one of them has his number programmed in — they’ll know they have the magic phone when his “Go That Far” (aka “The Rock of Love Theme”) plays as the ring-back tone. That lucky loser will get to hang in VIP with the winners. Saved by shilling again! Product-placement, is there anything you can’t do?

The Black Team has a “white-trash barbecue” outside of the tour bus. Mindy worries about the Red Team “beboppin’ around” in VIP. Have no fear, Mindy: there’s not a note of scat singing to behold. Sadly! Farrah, meanwhile, bitches that while her crew is in VIP, she has to hang out with these lame crybabies. On the bus, they decide to figure out who’s emancipated from hell on a tour bus.

It is Kelsey. Check the daggers Farrah’s sending her. Why send daggers, though, when you can poke out eyes with nipples? That’s what I always ask. Seriously: always. Upon winning, Kelsey exclaims, “Oh my god, I’m out of this white-trash party!” And on to the next!

As Big John walks Kelsey to the VIP, Ashley interviews with her assessment of the situation: “If it couldn’t be Farrah, I would rather have it be Kelsey here with us, because Taya and Mindy…ugh!” So articulate, that one. Really, what else is there to say?

As the VIPs make their way to the stage (after receiving outfits and jewelry from Bret backstage), the losers head to their nosebleed General Admission seats. As Taya interviews about how terrible their spots were…

…she looks completely gorgeous. And she didn’t even have to pop out a boob or anything! Practically unheard of on this show. Amazing!

The girls onstage provide their usual…presence for the audience. Beverly lip-synchs along with “Go That Far,” and gets really into the song:

She says that she’s the only one who knows the music and enjoys the shows beyond the opportunity they provide beyond dancing with the other girls. But oh, what fun that dancing provides!

The amount of matter-of-fact boob spillage in this episode is absolutely amazing. Fact!

Though they cannot be together, Farrah and Ashley offer each other signals from their respective spots in the theater.

Clearly, their bond is one that most of us mere mortals will never truly understand.

Everyone’s having a good time except for Mindy…and it shows!

She kind of just sulks, which is no way for a potential rock of love to act when in the presence of rock and love. For shame, Mindy! Bret interviews that he sees Mindy from the stage and finds her to be a total downer. He’s really brittle this season, isn’t he?

Finally, Marcia sees a pack of diehards in the front row and decides to give them the bracelet Bret left for her in the VIP room.

It’s amazing that Marcia hasn’t yet fashioned a sign for her back that reads, “Kick me…out!” But hey, the episode isn’t over yet.

When the concert is over, the girls migrate to the after party.

It’s a good thing that black goes with everything, lest these women repeatedly experience interrupted fashion.

At the party, there is gambling. Some girls spot Beverly talking to Bret’s drummer, Chuck, and Ashley screams, “Bitch!” at her.

And really, they do seem cozy.

And cozier still:

Oh snap! Beverly, who immediately kicks into denial mode, senses that Ashley is onto her. She confronts Ashely who is oddly non-confrontational.

It’s funny that Ashley is so obliterated that she can’t even be nasty. It would seem that some people are mean drunks, whereas Ashley is a mean sober.

She’s flat-out awesome drunk.

She teeters along, saying, “I’m so sophisticated!” Farrah’s response is, of course, “Oh French!” Indeed and ooh la la!

And what’s more…

…nothing like supporting your friend, doggy-style, right? Get some alcohol in these two and an X-rated vaudeville routine spontaneously materializes. LOVE THEM.

The next day finds many of the girls worse for wear.

Meh, what else is new?

To answer that question literally: Beverly’s drummer hook-up, at least to her…

Those words are of Brittanya, who apparently has standards…? Anyway, plenty of people find Chuck cute. He’s the drummer, for rock-god’s sake! Beverly seems really to think that she never kissed him, but who knows how good of an actress she is?

Bret Mail arrives and we are blessed with a reading from Marcia.

Good morning ladies! After roadie and hero swear that there is nothing better than a beer after striking a…b-stage… ” is what it sounds like she says. Why is she just getting to do this now? VH1 should hire her as the narrator of all of its programming. Always gotta up the ante of incoherence, you know? Bring back Beehive da Music and get Marcia’s voice on that, puh-lease!

Anyway, Bret is indeed taking his winning ladies out for a midday beer.

Here Ashley takes the initiative to drop the bomb on both Marcia’s bracelet giveaway and Bev’s tongue…giveaway. Generous group this time around!

Well, actually, Bret’s the one who broaches the drummer thing. Bev stumbles over her words and Bret says, “Nice.” Bev finally says that she really doesn’t think she kissed him and Ashley counters with, “I saw you!” Beverly concedes that if she did in fact kiss Bret’s drummer, it wasn’t cool. Bret, apparently, doesn’t think she feels bad enough because he decides to twist in the knife that Ashley unsheathed by telling Beverly, “If you invited me to your show, no matter how drunk I got, I would not be making out with your friends.” Oh yeah, because nothing about his televised lifestyle suggests that he’s down with polygamy or anything. Not virginal, kiss-me-all-four-of-you-blondes-right-now-at-the-same-time Bret Michaels. The dude has a forked tongue because it saves him work. Seriously, until we see otherwise, I think we can all take this as stretching the truth for effect.

Whatever. Time for elimination!

Bret addresses the girls by saying he thinks it’s clear that they have much stronger than a “party connection” at this point. All of them? Maybe if his portrayed lifestyle weren’t an orgy on wheels, this would be slightly easier to swallow. Whatever, he seems serious, so, uh, there’s that. Ashley receives the first pass. Not long after is Farrah. Bret looks at her and says, “Daaaamn!”

Farrah comes back with, “I wore these for you!” He seems to be motioning to some white boots she’s wearing, but it’s only implied. For all we know, he could be talking about her boobs, to which I say: you wear them for everyone, Farrah.

When it’s just down to Marcia, Beverly and Mindy, Bret solemnly tells Big John to take the rest of the passes away because it’s “painfully obvious” what must happen. He says “painfully obvious” so much you’d swear it was the name of his latest single. Upon hearing this, Beverly is terrified.

Which is, of course, the point. And she probably knows this. Again: hard to tell about the whole acting thing and how it relates to her. Bret goes down the line. Marcia has a wonderful soul, but it’s not connecting with Bret’s. Not even party connecting? Mindy is cared for by and attractive to Bret. But is she emotionally attracted to him? She doesn’t answer because she probably doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Do you? Finally, there’s Beverly who broke a rule and kissed a boy and Bret’s a moral bastion in a chastity belt and blah blah blah. He adds that hearing about Beverly’s indiscretion was “pretty painful” for him. I smell a follow-up single!

Anyway, Marcia’s the one who’s going home. Bret tells her this by saying, “You are a warm-hearted Brazilian woman, but your tour ends here.” Why it gotta be Brazilian?

Between the Doritos, the tequila and the vomit, this show is gonna smell mighty different with her not around. :(

Marcia gives the exit interviews to end all exit interviews when she almost refers to Bret as “Chad.”

Obviously, this illustrates why she should be leaving, but it also illustrates why I wish she were staying. Funny, that.

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