Tool Academy Recap – Episode 3 – Bake Love, Not War

This couldn’t be more appropriate: he’s getting his just deserts at a bake sale!

We open on the usual satisfaction of watching these guys being woken up and getting really pissed off about it. MEGA reports that he’s feeling like a million dollars, or better yet, $100,000 dollars because he survived elimination.

When I heard him say this, my initial reaction was, “Dude, get an abacus!” But then I realized that the “better yet” refers to the very real $100,000 in prize money (versus the hypothetical “I feel like a million dollars”). And then I realized that for a moment, MEGA had outsmarted me. And that’s when the shame set in.

We see Josh getting a little upset about all the stuff he said about Ashley last week — she’s a six in bed, she weighs 200-300 lbs., and he’d be better off banging a blow-up doll. That’s some slow-release remorse he’s kicking there. This is like watching him learn how to cultivate emotional reflexes. Alternately, it is like watching bronzer dry, or watching a tool fix itself.

Meanwhile, the girls mock Aida and what they perceive to be her crooked nipples.

You know, if the guys were doing this, they’d be in truuuuh-buuuullll. The girls, though, are kinda given a free pass to be as toolish as they want. Waaaaah! Life’s not fair for men! Waaaaaaah!!!

Aida, meanwhile, reads.

It’s funny how on reality TV, taking the higher road is more about inaction than action.

Everyone is summoned to the therapy room. Shawn talks about his apprehension, saying that they drop bombs on them in therapy “like Hiroshima.” Not like Hiroshima enough, though!

When they’re gathered, Trina explains that this week’s lesson will be on humility. These guys don’t know the meaning of the word! No, really, they don’t.

We see footage of Tommy saying, “What’s the definition of humility? It’s humor, right? Is it humor? Humor?” Only in this context!

In this exercise, the guys will be made to evaluate the negative state of their relationships and do a little confessing while wearing a bulletproof vest. It’d be awesome if the exercise ended with them literally being shot at, but alas, the vests are only symbolic. Wasted opportunity, Trina!

First up is Shawn.

He blames his relationship problems on himself and his insecurities — Aida’s friends all date millionaires and he’s just not balling like that. And then, something magical happens.

He cries! And he doesn’t rust or anything!

He joins Aida, whose cuddling matches the cartoonish nature of Shawn’s emotional outpouring.

Jenna offers Aida an apology for hating on her so much — she didn’t think Aida was for real upon entering the house, but now she does. What a difference some sincere nuzzling makes!

Rob is next.

He repeatedly addresses Karine as “dude.” As in, “I want you to live with me, dude.” This is a minor point, obviously, as this show isn’t called Syntax Academy. I can’t even imagine how fruitless it would be if it were.

MEGA tells Margo that she is the girl of his dreams and will always be his best friend. She was down for him when he was betrayed. The cultural void that Boyz II Men left is being filled by MEGA’s sappiness. Even though he’s sitting on his ass, he’s down on bended knee.

Josh admits that he deserves to be on this show because he’s a tool. Slow learning’s better than delusion, at least! He quickly breaks down when he decides to confess to Ashley that he talked about her weight, labeled her a 6 in bed and said he’d be better off doing a blow-up doll.

“I think you’re the perfect girl, and I’m the f***-up,” he says. Even if he somehow split himself into four entities and harmonized that with melisma, it’d still be an understatement, since all of it is news to Ashley. Josh is fully aware of her weight issues, which makes what he said in front of freaking cameras all the crueler. To apologize, Josh offers Ashley this certificate…

…and it’s not for kisses whenever she wants or a week off from chores or anything. It’s bowling affiliated and it’s apparently significant enough to signal Josh’s seriousness about the process. One man’s recycling is another man’s bowling certificate, I guess. Anyway, the best thing about this entire exchange is that Rob confesses that it almost made him tear up. “The little bastard almost got me,” he says, which is the most oddly poignant moment I’ve witnessed since New York tearfully turned her back on reality TV.

Tommy has issues with Krista’s ex — he’s jealous of their history and the fact that they share a bond over their child. Krista interviews, “Tommy’s actually thinking about things. That’s, like, awesome for him.” Ah, levity. No matter how far we’ve come, let’s never forget that we started at negative zero.

Matsuflex talks about his celibate relationship with Jenna. It’s not about sex to him and he’s falling more and more in love with her.

And then, there is Clarence. He doesn’t think he can change and will continue to live his wannabe famous lifestyle. Great! For lying to us last week and wasting our time, I present…

…his pit stains.

He and Cameron are asked to stay behind after the group is dismissed.

Cameron is embarrassed. She’s just getting to feeling that now? All of these people are on delay. Stop buffering, start living! Their exchange becomes heated enough to necessitate a round on the punching bag.

Clarence voices concern with Cameron’s behavior — he doesn’t want to see his girl going to town on a punching bag that’s just standing in for him. Whatever, Celeb — be happy that she’s taking it out on a symbol and not the actual punching bag between your legs.

Cameron wails on it hard enough to shock Trina.

God, imagine the gore if Cameron were allowed to let loose on Clarence. If they could somehow combine this with the torture-porn celebration of Scream Queens, a lot would get done and a lot of people would be happy. And, most importantly, in pain.

Meanwhile, back with the guys, Shawn talks about how weird it felt crying in front of them. But no matter, he’s confident that this is a constructive situation.

He corals the guys for a spirited pep…thing…

They all go, “One…two…three…prah-gress!” God, they can’t even acknowledge progression without being toolish. The more things change…

The next day finds the humility challenge. The guys will be made to sell baked goods at Universal Studios. The prize will be a date with their princess and a conjugal visit. Jordan explains to them, “To win, you gotta act a fool.” This involves dressing as superheroes…

…or weird…

…fairy things.

Rob, he of a body that is literally consumed with testosterone, has a hard time with this challenge.

However, Tommy ends up sitting him down and convincing him to stay. And he didn’t even have to threaten withholding sex or anything! Amazing!

The guys make their way to Universal.

And the game begins. The most hilarious thing about the entire ordeal is watching these guys explain to strangers that they’re in the Tool Academy, since this show was obviously shot months before it aired and hearing them say those two words together must have struck many hardware or even pornographic images in people’s heads.

It’s not that far off, anyway: somewhere between hammers and penises are the tools we’ve all come to love (or love hating; with reality TV: same thing).

While MEGA exhibits impressive hustle…

…Rob has people punch him in the gut ($1) and kick him in the ass ($2)…

The funny thing is that if only he’d been allow to show clips of himself to the strangers, he probably could have gotten a lot more money. And I’m not sure how he figures that collecting money like this fits in with a bake sale, but it may have something to do with the many definitions of “buns.”

Meanwhile, Josh has a hard time playing the fool and Celebrity (who’s now back to being called Celebrity, obviously) flips a lot. In the end, Rob raised the most money, Tommy came in second and Shawn, who acted like a douche in front of buses full of tourists came in first. He gets the date!

After sharing a carriage ride, he and Aida retire to the conjugal room where she proceeds to…

…refuse to give it up. She explains her position thusly: “I’m not gonna do hit hit bang boom.” I think that’s caveman for, “Not in front of the cameras!” It’s nice that she’s willing to speak Shawn’s language. Not that he understands! She also attempts to support her stance by stating, “I don’t remember any sex scenes in Cinderella.” Depends on which version you watch, homegirl.

Shawn retires back to the man cave where he is bombarded with questions. Er, just one actually…

Over what seem to be shots of orange juice, Shawn tells them he didn’t. They all make fun of him, which: duh. Shawn lashes out.

I imagine this scene not far from what you might find at a Spartan Chapter Girl Scouts meeting.

And, of course, despite the fact that this is no reflection of MEGA’s mom (unless she’s a failing baker and MEGA’s sensitive about it), he still gets upset. Shawn calls MEGA a bitch, and MEGA replies, “Your girl is, fall back.”

You know, for the sake of TV drama, it’s nice that these guys devolve at the drop of a hat.

Outside, MEGA and Shawn quickly reconcile, apologizing to each other for their flare-ups.

Elimination looms so Trina gathers the girls to poll them on which of their guys should stay.

Aida is falling back in love with Shawn, Ashley thinks Josh needs more Tool Academy-style rehab and Cameron says that Celebrity is the biggest tool of all and he doesn’t want to change. That would seem not to bode well for him, and it doesn’t. At elimination, Shawn gets the first pin and it comes down to Josh and Celebrity and Celebrity’s going home obviously.

Outside, Cameron lets Celebrity know that it was her evaluation that did him in. She repeats that he’s the biggest tool out of all of the guys.

“I’m leaving here without you, and that’s all I have to say!” she says.

Except, there’s just one more thing…

“Peace, bitch!” Ha! Most satisfying ending yet!

Celebrity then launches into an impromptu booty dance for the remaining girls. To save…uh, face? Something?

He ends his tantrum with, “F*** you, Tool Academy!”

Just in case it wasn’t absolutely explicit that this guy’s a tool, there you go.

Related content
Tool Academy show page
Tool Academy videos and extras
Tricia Dolenz’s VH1Blog advice column