I Love Money 2 Recap - Episode 1 - Reality: The New Root Of All Evil

Oh Tamara…

…we hardly knew ye, again…

And this time, we understand how much that sucks.

We open exactly where we did last time.

Two boats abreast speed to a mansion in Huatulco, Mexico. It’s a boat its riders will struggle to get off of, and once they do, they’ll be faced with one Craig J. Jackson, who will explain rules everyone knows on the mansion’s lawn before Celebreality “all-stars” (a once loose term that is now positively baggy from all the lovin’ that’s gone on) race through the house making preliminary alliances and then move on to a captain-determining challenge, which will lead to an ass-kissing segment and, finally, team selection. Seriously. Why show reruns when you can just get a (mostly) new crop of people to do the same crap?

We see clips and hear reminders of the pasts of these former …Of Love contestants, the best of which features Tamara from the first season of Rock of Love.

“I’m like Bret…girl…” she says, reminding us not only that the first season of Rock of Love was sooo classic, but also that you don’t need any mastery of the English language to be completely quotable on VH1. In fact, you’re probably better off without it.

We hear various self-characterizations from these various characters. It wears a lot of hats…

…some of them actually end up on his head, even! It is expensive to be Frenchie. Tailor Made is happily two-faced. Buddha is proud of the act of violence he was never really held accountable for. Milf gave love a real chance but is giving reality TV a realer one. T-Weed refuses to acknowledge that his claims of being a multimillionaire repeatedly were shut down and his participation on this show would seem to only shut them down further. What’s a measly $250,000 to someone who’s worth $100 million, anyway?

Buckwild gives us a down-to-earth snapshot of her tenacity:

“I stuck my tongue down Flavor Flav’s mouth. I will do what I need to do.” In other words, she will be French kissing a lot of money this time around. Also, if a child decided to color in the typically black and white Little Loca by taking crayon to computer monitor, Buckwild is probably what she’d end up looking like. She’s vivid, that’s all! Myammee is similarly determined: “I’mma do anything for the money: eat sand, drink ocean water. But I cannot, y’all already know, I will not get this weave wet.” And so she won’t. Once the boat nears the shore and it’s time for everyone to jump off in the most dramatic way possible, Myammee wears what appears to be a witch’s hat.

Doesn’t, like, every single woman these days on TV have a weave? Why is it that Myammee is the only one you ever see complaining about getting it wet? Is she just more conscientious than her fake-haired sisters, or is this way of her channeling her OCD? Perhaps if she wins, she can use the money toward both cosmetology training and therapy to get to the bottom of my question. I would really appreciate that.

They get out of the boat, they run up the cliff and they line up so they can hear Craig tell them the rules that they already know. As he goes over his spiel, It stands with his mouth open.

That’s how you can tell he’s really listening.

Craig mentions the ILM alumni status of the Entertainer and Heat. He points out that the Entertainer actually eliminated Heat. The Entertainer says that he didn’t — it was his team, and that it had nothing to do with wanting the path of least resistance to Destiney. Yeah. Right. As Paymaster, The Entertainer had say that week on the Bottom 3 since that team had reached a stalemate and instead of choosing Whiteboy (who went on to place second in the entire competition and who was always considered the biggest threat), he went with the illogical choice of Heat. You can’t lie to the obsessed, Frank, and anyone invested enough in these second-stringers to be watching this season counts as obsessed. If you’re reading this, you especially know how true that is.

Finally, the grubbers are allowed in the mansion to frantically search for beds.

If only people could understand Angelique, perhaps they’d care enough to tell her to shove it.

Meanwhile, the Entertainer is clearly savvy to the strategy needed to play this game and wastes no time forging an alliance in a bid to get Buddha out of there. Which is to say: he totally remembers his Whiteboy gaffe and does not want to repeat it.

Buddha becomes aware of his status as a target.

He proceeds to trash-talk the Entertainer.

Really? Frank’s divorced? Huh. Also, he calls the Entertainer out for his perpetual failing. And yet, they’ve both ended up in the same place! Funny how Buddha’s perceived success has landed him on I Love Money 2, while all Frank had to do was sit his ass on his parents’ couch and make love quietly in his basement bedroom and hang out with a parrot.

Leilene interviews that she’s treating this game like a strip club: she’s gonna get in, get out and leave with the money.

She is also, apparently, going to strip. She sunbathes topless with Angelique in the pool.

This would seem to run counter to her anti-stripper stance on Charm School, which Saaphyri rightfully calls out.

Old habits die hilariously! And not at all.

With that out of everyone’s system, Craig corrals the group to cut everyone’s checks and to find out what they plan to do with the money should they win.

Buckwild is going to pay her mom back for lawyer-bill loans she needed as a result of charges of assault with a deadly weapon and malicious destruction of city plants. That admission makes me see Buckwild in a totally different light: you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat plants. Ice wants to leave Hooters. Angelique is sort of like Lacey, except instead of using her powers for evil, she uses them for incomprehensible.

Milf forgot the question even though it’s been asked repeatedly by the time it gets to her and is the entire conceit of the scene. I worry about MIlf, I do. 20 Pack is not here to make money, he’s here to compete. He sounds like Megan, and what’s more, his boobs are almost as nice as hers. T-Weed wants to start a credit union in the hood. Ah, the spirit of a usurer. This guy’s endearment knows no bounds! Onix worries about the fact that he may have lost his job to do this show, so he’s basically counting on breaking even. Leilene just wants to bang. In response to this, Saaphyri interviews: “I think I need to go tell Leilene that she needs to stop being such a slut.” Oh yeah, like we didn’t see you totally going for It’s schlong in the supertrailer, Saaph. Bonez wants to donate 10 percent of the money to his church. The needle’s eye just got a little bit bigger.

Cali is going to pay off her family’s bills, as well as the debt she owes on her implants. Funny, because they could have played a part in her casting. They could end up paying for themselves, basically!

Prancer, on the other hand, will get implants. Are all of the other reindeer laughing and calling Prancer names this time? It will use his money to make more money, possibly via a chicken-wing spot. Also, I don’t know if you know, but he is a heavenly dude. All I can think of is It appearing in that old Angel Soft commercial with all those naked babies sitting on clouds and laughing as their fake angel wings flap rapidly. I’m enjoying the image, I gotta say. Saaphyri will donate more lace wigs for those with alopecia and cancer. Buddha will funnel the cash into his non-profit, Buddha’s Boys. Heat’s mom’s doing better, but he still wants to help her. Tailor Made wants to take time off to spend with his daughter. Myammee will help her aunt. Tamara wants to live on a houseboat…on the ocean. She scoffs at the notion of having a houseboat on less tumultuous waters, in fact. So she wants to drown elaborately, basically.

Piggybacking on this, Tamara admits that she was portrayed as not being so swift on Rock of Love. We see her telling Bret that she doesn’t know the extent of anything. Not even her lack of knowledge!

Finally, there is the Entertainer. We all know why he’s here, so Craig spares us the redux for the first and probably only time this season. Our gentle host then tells the group to change into their bathing suits if they haven’t yet.

And then: crisis. Tamara is nervous, getting a strange vibe and “not quite feeling it.”

She wonders if the show is cut out for her. She’s no doubt cut out for it: the question is whether I Love Money can hang. I wonder how many times Tamara has told someone, “It’s not me; it’s you,” and I wonder how many times she meant to say something else.

Bonez and 20 Pack comfort her.

They convince her to stay on. Their comfort gives Tamara the will to stay on board, and she admits that she was feeling lonely and friendliness basically was all she was looking for. Entering a reality competition to make friends: talk about knowing how to play the game!

It only gets worse for Tamara, as Craig gathers the group outside around a big, stinking pit of mud.

He says the mud was drained from the sewers of Huatulco. So, straight from the tap, then? He explains that a bunch of coins are hidden in this mud pit. The grubbers will have one minute to dive and and see how many they can collect. The two who end up collecting the most will be the team captains. Tamara despairs, “I don’t want to swim in mud. I can’t even hardly swim in water.” And she definitely can’t swim in a wading pool! If only she had her houseboat already so that she could just lean out the side of it while she combed through the mud!

First up is Leilene.

Suddenly, this challenge makes a lot more sense.

Like, infinitely, more sense. Leilene, by the way, collected no coins, which makes it seem like this is going to be particularly difficult.

But it isn’t. Myammee gets 10. As she’s picking the mud out of her wedgie, Craig is counting off her coins and she goes into a spontaneous dance.

Pretty smooth! I mean, not smooth enough to be unnoticeable, but smooth enough to be notable.

Heat gets 18.

Milf does 18, too.

Angelique already has mud on her boobs, by the way.

If you ever wondered what the Entertainer would look like rendered in chocolate…

…wonder no more.

It goes on…

Somewhere in there, Buckwild gets 18, Prancer does 20, Tailor Made does 14, Bonez does 10, Cali gets 16, Onix does 11, Ice gets 14, Frenchie gets, like, 2…

But more importantly, she gets to show off her boobs, so the entire ordeal with worth it. To her, at least.

At Tamara’s turn, she notes her fear of water and then says she should rethink the houseboat thing.

Indeed. Make an apointment with yourself to rethink that, Tam. She gets 7.

T-Weed talks all kinds of nonsense about quadrants and how this exercise is geometrical.

It sounds so pseudo that it makes my brain regret the day it ever decided to learn anything. However, T-Weed’s plan proves effective as he gets…

So that means he and 20 Pack will be the captains. Ass-kissing commences.

Poor, sad Leilene is worried that her piss-poor showing at the challenge will reflect on her standing in the competition.

Tamara, meanwhile, attempts to endear herself to T-Weed’s well-traveled ass.

Instead of kissing ass, all the Entertainer can think of is getting Buddha’s outta there. He coins a mantra: “No Buddha.”

It seems to work at first, as 20 Pack is more than willing to roll over and give the Entertainer control of his team (it’s hard to tell if 20 is being smart in allowing someone with experience to have say, or if he’s just naturally submissive) and T-Weed seems amenable to shutting Buddha out as well. However, he soon begins negotiating with Buddha, who praises his own physical prowess and intellect (it is “obviously a given,” because, duh, when you want a brain boost VH1 must be the first channel you turn to).

For someone in control to even entertain the idea of keeping Buddha around, the Entertainer is not pleased.

Elimination!

It seems confused. This show having the repetitive nature it does, plan on seeing a lot of confusion from him.

Buckwild, meanwhile, wears her Charm School hat.

Because in this universe, self-reference is godliness.

Everyone is lined up for the gym-class style back-and-forth team selection. As the camera sweeps over the crowd, it becomes clear that Myammee is wearing a bra.

Why is she wearing a bra? Because, as we come to find out, her girls need the freedom that only near-nakedness provides:

When Craig asks her what’s up, she explains, “Whatshername had bathing suits on last season, so I figured why not lingerie?”

Why not, indeed? I guess we should expect a taste of Hollywood Boulevard at every elimination, then? Fantastic.

Anyway, this all happens in the middle of team selection which goes like this: 20 Pack chooses The Entertainer, Heat, Prancer, Frenchie, Saaphyri, Cali, Tailor Made and It. It explains, “I was the last dude on the elimilation line, man.” Elimilation. New name for an old concept! You heard it here first! Or second, if you watched the episode.

Frenchie, meanwhile, explains her inclusion thusly:

He cannot resist because she will not let him by sheer force of will and suction.

Alternating with 20’s choices, T-Weed selects: Onix, Bonez, Myammee, Buckwild, Milf, Buddha and Ice.

Again, the Entertainer is not pleased. He feels that T-Weed has betrayed his trust, but T-Weed has his own agenda. It involves not making friends and not exhibiting anything close to human endearment.

He gets the last choice, and it’s down between Leilene and Tamara.

Tamara seems to be having a particularly difficult time coping with the stress.

To make his final decision, T-Weed calls an arm wrestling match between Leilene and Tamara. When you don’t have a teacup-sized dog to have your underlings plead their cases to, the reduced level of humiliation stemming from an arm-wrestling match will have to do.

Leilene wins, which means she gets to stay. More importantly, this means that Tamara flies off the handle in a fit of humiliation that includes condemning the production crew by saying things like, “You have no hearts and no souls!” and “You humiliated me in front of national television!”

Way to accept responsibility! Is she going to sue God when her houseboat capsizes? She also calls out production for exploiting these “stupid f***ing idiots,” and calls herself a “winner”…despite the fact that she just lost.

And she continues losing: instead of walking down the trail like everyone else ever on this show, Tamara goes back inside the mansion, seems to get lost inside a closet and then runs upstairs.

I guess that makes her a smart f***ing idiot?

I leave you with It. In the absence of Lily, I think he will be the show’s good-natured, mentally…interesting moral center.

Let’s all have a good season, everyone!

Related content
I Love Money 2 show page
I Love Money video and extras

This entry was posted on Monday, February 2nd, 2009 at 10:25 pm