I Love Money 2 Recap - Episode 2 - Pinky Lady And Saaph

At last, we discover what I Love Money’s secret-alliance tradition was missing…

… a pinky-swear!

We open on a series of status-reporting. First, there is this…

…20 Pack and Angelique embrace in open-air slumber, spooning with her in the top position, if you will. What the French?

Meanwhile, Buddha gives us a rundown of the competition as he sees it…

Can you even stand his wisdom? Buddha is a perfect mix of clairvoyant and obnoxious. He is clairnoxious. I speak, of course, from an inferior perspective.

Meanwhile, Onix is attempting to reconcile his alliance with Heat and the Entertainer, and loyalty to his team.

It is not easy. He will fail. Spoiler!

And finally, there’s this bit of nonsense:

For reasons most optimistically explained as hormonal (but not necessarily), Leilene says to Buddha, “I gotta be honest with you. I like you.” Buddha wonders if she’s crazy. She’s not, she’s just cool and fine. Saaphyri pipes up with, “Girl, you like a lot of people!” In light of what happens later in this episode, this is something of a prophecy, if you can call a straightforward reading of behavior and tendencies a prophecy. And considering how slow people are in this house, you can. Saaphyri adds, “I’m trying to express to Leilene, this is I Love Money, not I Love Love!” Maybe not, but at this point, I love love Saaphyri. I forgot how much I missed her and her decidedly colorful take on the concept of communication.

Buddha and Leilene continue their weirdness. Buddha tells her, “I like you, too,” and she says, “Are you serious?” with the excitement of someone who just won the third-tier prize in a church raffle. Leilene, here is your tote bag:

Enjoy it before you stuff it in your closet. Or wherever. Buddah goes on to interview that Leilene’s ho-ish tendencies and limited intellect make it “absolutely impossible” for him to be attracted to her. You know what’s also absolutely impossible? Buddha’s constant claims of superiority holding any merit. He protests way too much, you know? I understand that there’s a hierarchy everywhere, but this is VH1, not MENSA.

Challenge time! In a departure from the constant strain to hear what the hell Craig was saying on the speaker-phones of those product-placed mobiles from last season, there is instead a talking picture of him:

…the sound holes over the mouth make it Pee-Wee’s Playhouse-esque. I, for one, would love to see an intellectual wrestling match between Buddha and Chairy. Always bet on seafoam.

The teams are given uniforms. Captain choosing commences. Myammee will rep Green, while Heat’s alleged veteran expertise will allow him to head the Gold Team. May he lead them all to a third-episode elimination!

They arrive at the site of the challenge.

With a hat tip to Chance’s K.O. of Mr. Boston during the first season of I Love New York, which seems uncharacteristically butch in retrospect, they’ll be boxing with giant gloves in what looks like a Magic Bounce suspended above the water…

It’ll be a best of seven series. One team will choose a player to take the ring and then the other team will have the chance to send in whom they feel is an adequate fit. And then they’ll switch the selecting order with each round. I know it sounds boring, but I assure you that this is relevant.

The Gold Team, as headed by Heat, selects the Entertainer and in response, Green picks Buddha. It’s not long before Buddha has the Entertainer on the ground.

Buddha goes one more and repeatedly knees the Entertainer, literally kicking a guy when he’s down.

The Entertainer sums this up more succinctly and explicitly than I ever could: “Illegal moves because he’s a bitch!” Illegality and bitchassness notwithstanding, Buddha wins.

For the next round, Myammee selects Ice to rep for the Green Team. In response, Heat selects Tailor Made. But don’t go thinking that this was an easy decision. No! Heat explains his burden: “Matching people was very, very intense for me, just for the simple fact that I was using my brain.” It’s like a muscle. If you don’t use it for a while it shrinks and gets flabby. Poor guy, being made to think and all.

Tailor Made easily wins this round. Something tells me he thought nothing of hitting a girl.

Next up, It is summoned, most likely in hope that his brain responds to pain as slowly as it seems to respond to everything else. Bonez is selected as his opponent.

I love how it totally looks like Bonez is giving It the side-eye above, which is, as always, deserved. It could wear ocular tendons threadbare with all the side-eye he warrants.

Anyway, he loses.

Next up is T-Weed versus 20 Pack.

20 really lays into him to the point of literally knocking T-Weed out of the ring.

At last, the entire point of this challenge, nay the entire show, is realized! Just can’t get enough of people falling into water! And though 20 Pack won the round, his hand lost the match. He calls out that it is broken and then interviews to let us know how broken it is…

But whatever. At least he has Angelique to cheer him up.

Can you tell how soothing her presence is?

Up next, Cali versus Milf.

How nice that the captains coordinated by show! These people are nothing if not thoughtful. Anyway, Cali takes it.

And then, there’s a problem. The Green Team nominates Onix to enter the ring. Keep in mind that he’s supposed to throw this challenge for the sake of his alliance with Heat and the Entertainer. Heat, however, makes this impossible by throwing Prancer in the ring, instead of himself.

So there’s no way that Onix can win. If he doesn’t throw the game, he violates his alliance. If he does, it will be obvious because there’s no way that Prancer can knock him out. Even Prancer seems to telegraph, “Seriously?” to Heat.

Onix kind of pussyfoots around for a little while, making his conflict all the clearer…

…finally, he steps it up…

…like, extremely…

You feel for the guy, you know? He was caught between a rock and a bonehead.

At this point, the game is tied.

Myammee taps Buckwild to head the final round, but Buckwild is reluctant. This gives Myammee the opportunity to hilariously interview, “If I ask you to go out there and fight, bitch, you need to fight.” Myammee’s way with words is quickly eclipsing the 34DDDs as her trademark. Her tongue sticks out as far as her rack, if you will. Anyway, Myammee ends up going in herself and Heat decides to do the same. Myammee motions to her body, and says to him, “Don’t get it twisted ’cause I got all this.” And now the tongue and the DDDs intertwine! Impressive…and erotic!

It goes about as well as you’d think, which is to say that Heat wins.

And really, it’s not worth winning if you can’t win it dramatically. That’s what this show has taught me! Gold Team takes it!

Buckwild immediately calls out Onix for almost throwing the match, even though he didn’t and they lost despite his win. This is what you call deflection and knowing the game. Buckwild is about to show us that she is an expert at both.

At home, lock-box discourse takes place.

This kind of makes you wonder if Angelique doesn’t have everyone’s name slightly mixed up in her head. Let’s see, there’s 20 Pox, Heath, Milk, Printer, Trailer Maze, T-Weezy and, of course, S***. You know, the usuals.

Meanwhile, it seems that the Entertainer and Buckwild have already entered an alliance.

After getting Frank’s word that Buddha in the box would mean Buddha off the show, Becky tells Leilene that she has to vote to get Buddha in there. Leilene, however, has some sort of connection (a party connection,  perhaps?) with Buddha or maybe she just thinks she loves him, so she is torn between her friends and the man who will undoubtedly break her heart should she choose not to move on, which she will at the next opportunity that comes her way, trust, so WHATEVER.

Saaphyri tells Leilene to just wait to see who Buddha puts in the box, meaning: Leilene, you in lock-box, girl.

Leilene is too wistful, unwise and shortsighted to feel anything but internal conflict. She is, at least, a damn good drama queen.

Meanwhile, Heat tells Onix that as far as he’s concerned, Onix is not going home.

Which: LIES. As usual, so whatever.

The Green Team gets ready to enter the vault. Buckwild interviews that she knows she’s likely to go in the box and her only hope is her mouth. That’s a common condition for women on VH1. Almost immediately and hilariously, Buddha votes Leilene into the box.

Is Saaphyri a soothsayer or what? It must be her third eye, with eyelashes made from Indian hair. As predicted, Buckwild and Onix also get voted in. Buckwild, being aware of the rules of this game, however, attempts to run down the clock figuring that if they reach a stalemate, the other team will have to swoop in and decide who needs to go in the box. She puts up a fight about the clearly democratic vote that just took place.

Communist!

The Entertainer and 20 Pack sit outside the vault and are impressed by her showing.

Buckwild polls everyone on why they voted for whom they did. Survey says: because I felt like it! Buddha is particularly back-talky, which leads Buckwild to awesomely interview:

“He thinks he’s Jesus! Or Buddha!” Ha! Summations don’t get more perfect than that. It’s as though she did a reading independent study with a drag queen as her mentor. Buckwild continues her talking…

…but despite her effort and an attempt to get Leilene to step in and handle some running down of the clock (which Leilene declines), Craig steps in and says the three in the box got there via a clear consensus. Buckwild, Leilene and Onix are officially on the chopping block.

After, Saaphyri delivers a fantastic I-told-you-so:

Haha, definitely not this episode. No, this episode, this show is This Show Is Not…

In their room, Buckwild and Leilene share a cry.

Buckwild implores Leilene not to quit, but quickly retracts that when she remembers what happened when Brandi C., quit last season: the Paymaster was able to select someone else to go in the box and, obviously, then eliminate.

Saaphyri enters the room and Buckwild begins to fill her in on the situation. Before she can even get halfway through, Saaphyri exclaims, “Quit! Do it!” What a friend! Buckwild tells Leilene that this is her chance for redemption after such a poor showing in the vault, especially since Leilene is bound to go home anyway. Saaphyri implores Leilene to follow with this method of persuasion: “It’s time to step up and use your ninja skills.” Who could resist? Leilene tearily agrees to do it.

But then, human flip-flop that she is (she’s just as lacking in durability and everything), Leilene wonders if there isn’t another way. To which Saaphyri who is clearly on a roll this episode, retorts…

“You better be lucky she came up with that one, ’cause I didn’t have no solutions for you.” Indeed, Leilene is so lucky to have people on her side who are asking her to quit the competition. With friends like these, who needs, “I’m not here to make friends!”?

Leilene begrudgingly agrees to go along with this secret plan. It is sealed with a pinky swear, which is like caulking with Fruit Stripe (remember how stringy it would get after, like, three minutes?). For you see, immediately before the Power Outing, Leilene drops this bomb on Buckwild:

Exasperated, Becky says, “I’m so sick of arguing with you. This is Mexico. Let’s get Mexican!” I’m not sure what that means, but I do know that anything would be an upgrade from Leilene’s current state.

…which, by the way, is despondent to the point of suspicion. She and Becky go back and forth on the revelation of their pinky swear before she just blurts it out and lets Heat know that the plan is for her to eliminate herself. And really, while the plan was obviously to her peril, she shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place. You just don’t break pinky swears. It’s a crime punishible by death by snap bracelets.

They migrate to a lunch table and Heat polls them on why they should stay. Onix should because he’s trustworthy. Just don’t make him hit girls and he’s all good. Buckwild talks major crap about Heat needing female help and the fact that she has good communication with him. He seems to buy it, so maybe their communication is as good as her lie suggests? Leilene already feels defeated because Heat is stronger. Why not instead of talking, just bend over your chair, Little Miss Submissive? Also, Leilene says that she has heart. At last! The one with the heart! Every series needs one.

Heat elects to spend his one-on-time time with Leilene, which is to his benefit, if you consider tongue kissing a benefit. It all starts when Leilene says she wouldn’t mind getting to know Heat better and says she is willing to make up for lost time. Heat wonders how. “Well, what do you want?” asks Leilene. If it’s ease, Heat clearly has his woman. Then, they make out.

During this kiss, it becomes clear that Heat’s nipple is showing.

For some reason, this makes me extremely uneasy. Buckwild interviews, comparing this situation to one you’d find in the champagne room of a strip club. It’s a wonderful analogy — next time Leilene should wear pasties.

And there will be a next time. Despite a last-minute attempt from Saaphyri to salvage the pinky-sworn plan and Heat’s pledge to coerce Leilene into quitting…

…nothing works. When at first he comes to Leilene, she seems to think the ordeal has been resolved. She asks him, “You don’t believe that love conquers all?” She really calls this love? Or does she just define the word loosely so that toplessness, swinging from a pole and sticking your tongue down someone’s throat conquer all as well?

Whatever. It’s time for, in It’s words, elimilation.

Leilene sobs about her crumbling friendship with Buckwild, but Buckwild says they’re friends no matter what, which is surprisingly warm-hearted from someone who’s basically been poking Leilene with a pitchfork in front of an open fire all episode. Leilene says that friends don’t tell friends to quit. Friends generally don’t find themselves in a situation where their livelihood depends on the demise of others, you know? This show is kind of a special case.

Oh also?

Myammee looks amazing with her hair straightened.

And there’s her why-not lingerie, for posterity’s sake. Yeah, posterity, that’s it.

Leilene announces that she doesn’t want to quit. Oh, really? If Leilene announced that she’s part Birkenstock, it wouldn’t surprise me at this point. Heat calls Buckwild to get the first check. And then he calls Onix. It’s all about loyalty, he tells Onix. And even though he put Onix’s loyalty in an impossible situation, he’s still punishing him for it.

I can think of other words that begin with “L” that apply infinitely better than “loyalty”: lame, low, LOL (as in LOL, does he even have any idea that he’s responsible for Onix’s lapse in loyalty?). Onix is leaving.

Will Onix’s words prove as prophetic as Saaphyri’s? Time will tell!

This, of course, means that Leilene is staying, a fact sealed with another kiss from Heat.

I doubt that kiss is even as durable as a pinky swear. Love conquers none! Count on it!

Related content
I Love Money 2 show page
I Love Money video and extras