Rock Of Love Bus Recap - Episode 5 - The Crying Game

There’s more than one reason for the title of this post…

…

We begin with the girls reeling from the loss of Marica. They are so selfish. Won’t someone think of the tequila bottle that has lost its soul mate? Anyway, upon leaving the hotel and reaching the bus, the girls receive a note from Bret that tells them to meet him in St. Louis and sensitively wonders if the “gateway to the West will lead someone through the gateway to my heart.” I wonder if Bret sat on his bed, acoustic guitar in lap and looked off wistfully to think that one up. Anyway, Ashley wonders aloud where St. Louis is.

And then she laughs because having no grasp on geography is hilarious when you’re on a show about traveling. It’s the 52nd largest city by population in our great country, for crying out loud. For crying out loud, Ashley, have some respect for the 52nd largest city by population in our great country!

Once on the bus, there is more geography-ignorant discourse.

But then again, can Ashley really be faulted for not knowing where things are when she travels with twin peaks invading her line of vision? Seriously, did she get those things re-stuffed since this show started? The only thing about that that would surprise me was that we weren’t shown it in gory detail. You know how  reality TV is!

Oh, also, Ashley and Farrah now hate Natasha. You can tell because they openly scoff her.

Ashley has many reasons for this disdain. One of them is explained thusly: “I don’t know, I just don’t like her face.” She also doesn’t like Natasha’s “man-voice.” Indeed, it is the “deepest voice ever,” according to Farrah. I bet you didn’t know that Natasha voiced Darth Vader and sang bass in Boyz II Men. But now you do.

“Are you a man, or are you a wo-man?” hilariously wonders Farrah. Hmmm. Make that “…sang bass in Boyz II Wo-Men” aka your favorite group ever besides Poison and, most likely, Pretty Poison.

Meanwhile, on another bus, Bret is sad.

You can tell because he sits on his bed, acoustic guitar in lap, and looks off wistfully. OMG, just like I predicted! He’s gotta take some action to cope with these feelings. And this action does not come in the form of a pill or foam. How unusual!

Destination reached! It’s Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club! The girls on the Pink Bus ooh and ah. Someone (probably Farrah) says, “I bet the other bus is so scared!” Cut to…

…ha! Fear! Someone on this bus, in turn, muses that the other bus is probably celebrating. These girls know each other and the tendencies caused by their hair color so well!

Inside the club, Ashley gushes, “I see all these poles and I’m like, hell yeah, baby! I’m home!” See, there used to be a time in the Rock of Love saga, when I’d feel the need to make such lighthearted-but-true cracks about the girls. These days, the girls come preloaded. (Pun acknowledged!) Highly evolved this crop is. Highly evolved.

Bret tells the girls that today’s challenge will involve making over three sad sacks into Rock of Love-standard Hefty bags.

He doesn’t use those terms, but you know, that’s what all this amounts to. These girls are named, from left to right, Kami, Jenny and Jamie. Farrah reports that when she sees these three girls, she’s thinking, “What the French?” When Farrah sees three fries, she thinks, “What the French?” Even if they’re freedom fries. The point is: when doesn’t Farrah think, “What the French?” I really like, “Oh piss!” much better as a catchphrase for her, but hey, can’t win ‘em all.

Bret breaks the girls up into three makeover teams: Natasha (captain), Brittanya and Ashley will handle Jamie; Mindy (captain), Beverly and Kelsey will do Jenny; and Farrah (captain, so dubbed after a suspenseful game of Rock, Paper, Scissors) and Taya will trashify Kami.

The girls get to work.

Look at that censoring over her boobs. She fits right in! There’s some wiggling and some “shoes shoes shoes shoes”-ing and then the girls are done and ready to show off their newly spoiled goods. Ashley feels confident that her team is taking this thing as, “one of their girls looks like a hooker that you would just find behind a dumpster.” Appealing to the mostly untapped rats and roaches demographic?

Bret addresses his “teams of hotnesses” and is ready to see their work. First up is the “long, lean and hot” Jamie.

Bret’s critique is based on what must be decades-old philosophy, perhaps from the Book of Michaelsnessism: “Anytime there is bralessness, I believe there should never have been a bra ever invented…I love a natural, or unnatural breast, either way.” Put that under your bodhi tree and “om” it! Farrah isn’t as kind with her assessment: “She was looking like a recovering heroin addict that was dressed up by a couple of experimental monkeys.” Experimental monkeys as in a member of another species dabbling with monkeyism (there’s such a thing, shut up), or like the kind in Project X? Either way, I’m fascinated…I just hope Virgil is OK!

Then there’s Jenny…

She’s she’s pretty in a pre-Rehab Mary Carey way. But don’t tell the other girls on this show that I said that she’s pretty! They’ll hate me!

Finally, there is Kami.

Ashley’s response is, “Kami looks like Rosie O’Donnel, if Rosie O’Donnel decided to put on makeup.” Is that Ashley’s way of calling Kami an inappropriately lipstick lesbian? Whatever, Bret doesn’t care. He loves what he sees, or at least, that’s what he says.

He calls for a super mega-tie and, as a result, he’ll take the captains of all the teams out on a date. And then, to throw a monkey wrench into this whole chimps-in-radiation endeavor, to rock the girls’ world, “but not in a good way,” he announces that Jamie, Jenny and Kami will be joining them on tour, and thus are now in the running toward becoming his Rock of Love. At this, some of the girls applaud, others do not.

But enough do to piss Bret off. Bret wonders why any of the old girls, if you will, are clapping. Maybe they’re just being polite? And really, after five week’s worth of episodes, way to give a new crop of ladies a free pass, Bret, and then bitch about everyone else’s way of coping. It’s like getting angry with someone for not passing out after you’ve just slipped razor blades under their fingernails. “Whhhhhy?”

Bret stalks off, all pissy, while the other girls talk about the situation.

God, what is it with these people who are here to make friends? Forget what I said about the “highly evolved” thing.

Ashley does seem particularly hurt by this Virgil wrench, or at least she has the sense to act like she is, so she goes knocking on Bret’s bus to discuss it. This gives Bret the opportunity to feel something from these girls with whom he has questionable emotional connections, but more importantly, it gives him the chance to letch.

Ashley’s not here to make party connections; she’s here to get to know Bret. Also, she thinks Natasha is a dude. She thinks the low voice and possibly bulge-obscuring tutus are a dead giveaway.

She wonders if Natasha’s birthname was Nathaniel. Not Dil?

Bret says he’s genuinely attracted to Ashley, while the other girls are pretty or whatever. Ashley is frustrated that he’s going on a date with those pretty or whatever girls. “Well, why don’t we see how that unfolds?” replies Bret and by “that” he means “your legs after my date.” It all ends with a beautiful kiss worthy of a sculpture.

Put that one on your mantle and let it get smoke damage.

The new girls, meanwhile, are sticking to themselves on the Pink Bus.

The blonde-brunette integration within their segregation is kind of a beautiful thing, no?

Bret’s date with the three captains will be a river-boatin’ excursion.

Bret discusses the party connection he has with the group, but also the emotional disconnect. He says this when they’re far from land so that they can’t escape and find some asphalt to bash their heads against while they wail, “Why do you keep saying ‘party connection?’ Whyyyyyyyyyy?” Because seriously, why? And why is he going back on what he said during last episode’s elimination, when he told the entire group that what they had was beyond a party connection at this point? You thought the Superbowl week off would make us forget, Bret, but we never forget. Also WHAT THE SPANISH IS A FIESTA CONNECTION?!?

Bret goes off with Mindy.

He jokingly suggests playing Titanic. No more f***ing playing Titanic, VH1! Seriously, it’s banned from now on, I decree with the power of blog vested in me. He and Mindy talk about…nothing. I mean, really. What’s truly important is that for a second, it looks like he’s going to consume her face.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the new girls attempt to mingle with the old girls. Kami reaches out to Brittanya in particular, who is less than welcoming.

At first it looks like she’s sucking her fingers to be saucy, but actually…

…she is eating what appear to be Cheetos. Yeah, because being caked in cheese powder is exactly the look you want to go with your arbitrary self-righteousness. Brittanya tells Kami that she’s probably just there for TV. As opposed to being on this show for, what? An expanded carbon footprint? Oh right, the love thing. It’s so easy to forget about! Brittanya ends up flipping out telling Kami to get the f*** out of her face and threatening to f*** her ass up.

She also calls Kami an “ugly-ass whore.” As opposed to a pretty-ass one. I guess in some environments, it’s important to know your whores from your whores.

Meanwhile, Bret’s river-boatin’ excursion continues with some one-on-one time with Natasha.

She feels like she could fall for him, and he likes the brutal nature of their chemistry. Attempting to put everything into perspective, Bret instead just stammers nonsense: “You don’t have to lie. Meaning, I don’t know enough…we don’t know each other enough yet, go with me, to get to the lying stage. I always laugh about that, but I’m like, I don’t know you enough yet. I could tell you anything, I could say, ‘Hey, the other day I stopped at a truck stop, met this hot chick and did her.’ We’re not there yet. ” You’re not where, yet, Bret? Meeting-at-a-truck-stop close? That sounds glory-hole-involving, which is exactly the kind of behavior the other girls are accusing Natasha of, since she’s maybe a dude and all. (In actuality, she sooooo isn’t a dude, but whatever, it’s a cute plot point.) Bret attempts to ask Natasha about the state of her genitalia, but he chickens out. He does note her fear of bugs and how girly that is. It also, though, could just be gay.

Whatever!

Back at the room, Bret meets with the new girls.

“I really don’t know a whole lot about the three new girls, other than they turn me on.” What else do you need to know on this show? Besides, of course, the elusive definition of “party connection,” which we’ll never get anyway?

Bret sits with the girls and has the how-many-kids-do-you-have conversation, which Beverly interrupts by asking Bret the point of this new girl thing. Bret is still bruised from the clapping and cites it as the exact reason why he brought in the girls. He seriously wants these girls at each others’ throats, fighting over him like football players over the head cheerleader. He sternly telegraphs this and then pissily says, “Anybody else?”

Isn’t that your question to answer, Mr. New-Girl-Bringer-Inner?

Bret leaves the room in the same huff he’s left every room in this episode. Soon, though, Big John calls for Ashley to join Bret on his bus.

There he serenades her and lavishes her with sweet nothings like, “I like you in a really hot, sexy girlfriend way.” The heart of a poet, the mane of a lion. They, of course, make out again.

Then they head to Bret’s room in the back for untold naughtiness. Up in the room, girls like Beverly are freaking out at the one-on-one time Ashley’s getting. Everyone’s having a really hard time with every single situation this week, no? Farrah’s cool with it all, it turns out, upon Ashley’s morning return, she just wishes she got to join in or maybe hold the camera. Thinking ahead to future behind the camera instead of in front of it is yet one more sign that Farrah is one of the smartest people to ever appear on this show.

The next day, the new girls get a note inviting them on a date with Bret, as well as new jeans. The other girls are so jealous, they eat their silicone out.

On the way to the date, the new girls fill Bret in on the old girls’ reluctance to accept them. Everyone is just so brittle and wanting to be loved. They should all seek solace in no-strings-attached sex. Orgy of non-love!

Their date turns out to be one of bowling.

This is apparently more fun than most of the other dates Bret’s had during this show’s brief run. Imagine!

Whatever, it’s at least nice to see him not wincing at other people’s applause and merriment for once!

When they return to the hotel, Bret spends some time in the fitness room.

Brittanya comes in, to Bret’s faint delight. “I love workin’ out and talkin’,” he explains. As Brittanya sits down, she holds herself to make sure she’s decent…

Since when does this girl care about falling out of her dress. Is the black censor box on vacation this week? Whatever, Bret tells Brittanya to talk to him. Here’s her response:

Wow, a girl who can’t follow Bret’s emotional directions — just what he’s looking for! He tries a few more times to get her to say something, anything, and she finally talks about being upset over the new-girls experimental monkey wrench. He asks her why she was upset, even though the answer’s obvious: the better to stroke your ego with, Bret! Brittanya then fabulously interviews…

“I definitely know the physical connection is there, but I’m still really concerned that maybe the…other…what’s that called? Mental? The emotional? Yeah, yeah, OK. But I’m still really concerned that the emotional connection isn’t there.” A little bit not too smart strikes again! Brittanya, you in danger, girl. Watch out for uncovered manholes and open-ended questions.

Anyway, this whole thing is, I don’t know, resolved or whatever. What I can say for sure is that when Brittanya goes to hug Bret…

…our good, old, trusty black censor box is back! Aw, it was with us all along, like the real meaning of Christmas or crabs.

Elimination! It’s probably in your best interest to soak in Brittanya’s outfit again:

It’s quite magical and it matches her cheek piercings and everything.

Also?

Doesn’t Jamie look like Tina Yothers’ little sister who’ll never, ever have any use for Celebrity Fit Club?

Also:

Just soak all of it in. See if you can even go on after.

Anyway! The new girls are all safe. Ashley’s the first old girl to get a pass. It progresses without much incident, coming down to Farrah, Brittanya and Natasha. On all the lame-o’s getting their passes first, Farrah wonders, “What the French?” Oh piss, that again?

Farrah does get her pass, despite her healthy applause at the prospect of the new girls. That means it’s down to Natasha and Brittanya. Bret needs to figure out if Brittanya’s words are true, while he’s good friends with Natasha. But he isn’t here to make friends, he’s here to make connections and after he makes Brittanya vow that she’s here for the right reasons, it’s clear that Natasha is getting the boot.

She’s really emotional. He attempts to reassure her with, “In a different world, we woulda really hooked up and had a great time. You know what I mean?” Of course not, but then who does? Ever? And also: no closure on the is-she-or-isn’t-he issue? Way to leave us hanging, Bret, wondering if Natasha isn’t doing the same!

Related content
Rock of Love Bus show page
Rock of Love videos and extras

This entry was posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am