I Love Money 2 Recap – Episode 3 – Leilene On Me

We have one thing to say about the foolishness that goes down in this episode:

We begin exactly where we left off — it is just after elimination and Leilene wants to speak with Buckwild, since she not only messed up their plan, but she also reneged on the pinky swear. Buckwild is not having it.

Good for her. You gotta take a hard line when it comes to pinky swears. The havoc wreaked on sticker books alone would be at massacre levels if we started letting pinky swears slip as a society.

Of course, Leilene employed the method of modern love to stay in the competition: namely, by telling Heat that she the reason she wants to stay around is to get to know him and then placing her tongue in his mouth. Really: that’s how love works these days. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Buckwild is exasperated at having to deal with Leilene in love. You know this because she says:

Hold that thought, Becky, because there’s more ohmahgaw where that came from.

Meanwhile, Milf and Buddha begin a flirtation.

Who does Milf think she is, Leilene? Lemme guess: Milf is a damn good motheraaaar! Seriously, after seeing how Buddha did Leilene dirty in the vault last episode, now Milf is going to latch onto him? Buddha: now serving pain and heartbreak. Step up to the window, Milf. A Happy Meal is waiting for you!

Milf interviews that her attraction for Buddha is “because he looked so similar to somebody who really physically pleased me at one point.” Ugh, “physically pleased” is just about the grossest way to put that. All I can think is Tantra or a five-course meal eaten off someone’s body. Anyway, when she says this, the show implies that she’s speaking about Real…

But that couldn’t be, right? Buddha looks absolutely nothing like Real. Liking Buddha because he reminds you of Real is like being a fan of the Stallionaires because they remind you of Michael Jackson. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe the parallels are closer than I’m giving Milf credit for.

Milf, by the way, is sprawled out like a cat.

Just in case you weren’t absolute certain that this woman is a cougar.

Meanwhile, there’s this:

Heat and Leilene cuddle, but they don’t really make out. What stops them could very well be Heat’s terrible aim.

They discuss the state of their relationship. She is physically and sexually attracted to (but not yet pleased by!) Heat, yet she feels more “mentally…” with Buddha. Seriously, that’s how she puts it. She doesn’t even finish the thought — pretty telling that said thought is regarding her mental workings, no? Heat becomes offended by this. He interviews, “Don’t sit here, put your lips on mine, tell me this goo-gee-ga-ga, goo-gee-ga-ga that…” Considering Leilene’s communication skills, I would not be surprised if this is a dirct quote an exchange that didn’t make it to camera. Heat says something about Leilene throwing him off his game, and she says that for the sake of his game, maybe he should stay away from her. In other words: elimination was great. Good morning and goodbye!

Leilene soon finds herself criticized by anyone who cares enough to criticize her. Everyone in her room gives her crap for what Buddha would refer to as her “ho-ish tendencies.”

Heat blasts her with, “I kept you in the f***in’ game!” Uh, yeah. That was her whole plan, doofus. Leilene decides that she’s leaving. Spoiler: she’s full of crap. In the meantime, we see Cali wearing the most appropriate T-shirt for a dating show veteran EVER:

Well, it’s neck-and-neck with one that says, “I’m not a bitch, I’m the bitch and I’m Miss Bitch to you!”

Leilene stands outside with her bags, waiting for the opportunity to make her dramatic reentrance.

It probably takes all of two minutes before she does so, electing to camp out on a lounge chair by the pool.

What, was someone else using the burning pillar?

The Entertainer eventually decides that as a vulnerable member of the Green Team, Leilene is too valuable to his team to quit. She is a shapeshifting pawn, if ever there were. Whenever anyone needs anything, they use Leilene. Want to kick Buddha out? Get Leilene. Want to keep the other team disproportionally weak? Get Leilene. Run out of toilet paper? Get Leilene.

Anyway, Saaphyri and Buckwild decide that she’s suffered enough, so they go outside to persuade her to come back in.

They reassure her that they love her. “Even though we can’t stand you, we love you,” says Saaph. Aw, words of comfort, words of care.

The next day, the grubbers hear vague announcement from the talking Craig picture. It is decided that Saaphyri and Milf will be captains. They arrive at a field to this:

Today’s challenge is called the Breath Mint Shootout, essentially a soccer game based on the Shy’s stank-breath situation in Flavor of Love 3. Because, clearly, no amount of abuse is ever enough. Poor Shy. It’ll be a three-on-two game (offensive to defensive, respectively). Each offensive team will get 10 shots. The defenders will be chosen by the opposite team. The Green Team chooses Saaphyri and Angelique to defend their team, while the Yellow Team puts Leilene and T-Weed in there. The defending team is given a giant toothbrush to help with their endeavor.

Green puts in Ice, Myammee and Bonez. Immediately, someone scores, which pisses Saaphyri off.

And then, another goes in:

Saaphyri feels that Angelique is doing a poor job of getting out there and ensuring that the other team doesn’t score (as toothbrush-holder, Saaph is basically the goalie). Angelique, in all likelihood, thinks that soccer means to outfit ladies with knit footwear and can’t for the life of her understand what a ball has to do with anything.

Thanks to Saaph and Angelique spending more time bickering than paying attention to the game, Green puts another ball in the goal and Saaphyri flips out, shrieking, “I quit! I quit!”

I left the heart in there because, obviously, Saaphyri’s is broken.

Anyway, Saaphyri seems very intent on quitting, so Buckwild attempts to calm her down and convince her not to go. Buckwild has a lot of ideas on which people should and shouldn’t quit. As Saaphyri is Gold and Buckwild is Green, Buckwild’s team gets pissed at her for comforting Saaph. What do they expect? And considering the malleable rules of this game, does anyone really expect enduring team loyalty? Whatever. The pep talk combined with Saaphyri’s slightly altered role on the field yields success…

Green only ends up getting one more past them…

And then the Gold Team swoops in, effectively mopping the floor with their competitors and knocking out five goals in a row.

Gold wins! Let’s all move along with Angelique in celebration!

Amazing that this woman’s primary source of income is a result of dancing (“dancing”), innit?

However, despite victory, stankness is nowhere near cured.

Understanding that he’s essentially at the mercy of Leilene’s whims, should she decide to quit, Buddha hatches a plan to get Leilene to move out of Saaphyri and Buckwild’s room since their troublemaking runs averse to his.

He enlists Milf to help him do this since she’s the most sprung on him this week. With this request comes a promise:

And by “promise,” I mean “lie.”

Milf attempts to persuade Leilene to move and Leilene’s all…

“I will not. Come on, dude…”

“I will not in the nude.”

Milf is really persistent! Either that, or she’s in need of toilet paper. Anyway, in a stroke of uncharacteristic wisdom, Leilene doesn’t budge. Quick, Leilene, find another way to mess this up!

Vault time!

Buckwild, Leilene and Milf are almost unanimously voted in the box. Buddha, of course, has reneged on his “promise,” as moral superiority allows. Milf immediately announces that she’s quitting.

She literally peaces out.

Knowing what this means, Saaphyri and Buddha are on her like cats on milf, I mean milk.

Saaphyri comforts (“comforts”) her by shrieking at him, “You put her in the box! She ain’t on your team!” Buddha, on the other hand, tells Milf, “If you quit, someone’s goin’ with you.” As this is going back and forth like a ping-pong ball filled with silicone, we see 20 Pack in the background:

Shockingly, this attention-grabbing tactic is not enough to steal away the focus.

Saaphyri continues providing her primal-scream version of support to Milf…

Buddha finally gets fed up about not being able to make a human Oreo concotion with Milf as the cream. He says, “Woman, stop!” and maybe grabs Saaphyri? The camera’s too close to be able to know for sure, but she does scream about him putting her hands on her. She and Milf freak out at Buddha he recoils with very obvious guilt.

Gotta say: Milf does the wounded thing extremely well. Her faces in this scene are priceless. Hopefully she stuck around Mexico when filming was done — the world of telenovelas is just waiting for her.

Anyway, since there’s no such thing as a matter between Saaphyri and one other person, the kick to her ball change, Buckwild, soon is all up in Buddha’s face.

He tells her to stay out of it. Why hasn’t anyone figured out yet that that would be physically impossible? Buckwild rants at Buddha, calling him “infested” and an “ugly-ass small d*** motherf***er.” Heh. She punctuates this tour de force with, “Ugly-ass, lookin’ like a Goober. A chocolate-covered peanut!” Well, that makes this entire women-in-trouble ordeal worth it, now doesn’t it?

Power outing! The girls are introduced to this woman…

…who tells them that she is a fortune teller. “Oh,” says Saaphyri with such disappointment and apprehension, you’d swear that this woman just admitted that she has ringworm.

She reads their fortunes.

Buckwild, whose hair is wild to the point of hippie-ish and hippie-ish to the point of suggesting an autoharp enthusiast who grows her own weed, is told that she is pretending to be a bad girl and making her life harder than it should be. This makes her weep. Not so bad-girl after all, then? Milf needs to be more careful about trust. Leilene only uses her body and never her brain and she would kill for money or love. Leilene interviews that she doesn’t believe the hards while handling an ice pick. Just kidding. We can’t actually see her hands. Also there’s this:

I feel like I’ve been quoting Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost a lot lately, but I can’t help it: you in danger, girls. Saaph’s reading mostly focuses on the other girls — Sister Ringworm tells her that Milf is more loyal. Leilene just can’t catch a break!

They lunch.

Saaph calls out Leilene for breaking their pinky swear. Leilene ends up fleeing the table. Another situation, another retreat. She had to go cry, I bet. Leilene’s method of existence could most easily be summed up as Heathers meets Groundhog Day.

When it’s time for the one-on-one, Saaphyri has no choice but to choose Milf as Buckwild obviously isn’t going anywhere. Saaph asks Milf if they can count on her to throw challenges. She’ll have to think about it. She’ll have to think about it?

It seems that she doesn’t have to think about thinking about it for too long. The conversation ends with pact, as much as anything can be called a pact on this show, in which Milf professes loyalty to Saaph for loyalty in return. We’ll see how that works out.

Elimilation!

First of all, here’s this week’s lingerie check:

I can’t help but wonder if that buckle or whatever it is on her left shoulder is made out of titanium.

Oh, and then there’s this:

I feel like 20 Pack’s streaks are a reference I’m not getting. Is it The Warriors? I’ve never seen that. Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna go with with a slight suspicion that it might also be Harajuku-inspired.

Anyway, Becky gets the first check because DUH. Saaphyri asks the final two, “What do you think of loyalty?” Despite this being oddly worded and otherwise too obvious to answer straightforwardly (ideal answer: “It cool.”), Leilene and Milf attempt to tear into it. Leilene thinks of her friendship with Saaphyri. I get the feeling that regardless of the question in this situation, Leilene would be thinking of her friendship with Saaphyri. Leilene, what do you think of Joaquin Phoenix’s recent rash of strange behavior? Wait, don’t answer that. I know: you think of your friendship with Saaphyri. Milf, meanwhile, thinks that loyalty is all that she has. Then she stumbles. Then she comes up with the fact that she was loyal to a team that wasn’t loyal to her in return. That is as true as Joaquin Phoenix’s beard.

Saaph calls up Leilene. They embrace.

Saaphyri tells her, “I’mma void your check, baby girl.” Leilene seems OK with this:

So that’s sweet. Craig asks Saaphyri why she just eliminated her friend and Saaph says that this environment is too stressful for Leilene. She’s looking for love and this isn’t the show for that…unless you love money. Saaphyri ultimately thinks that it’s best that Leilene’s not on this kind of show. Heather Chadwell would call this “thinking like a producer.” Once again, these people are considering a lot more than the moment when they’re making their choices. I said it before, and I’m gonna keep saying it: highly evolved crop we’ve got right here. Highly evolved.

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I Love Money 2 show page
I Love Money video and extras