…Ray J is watching…
Obviously, the most outstanding thing to love about this week’s episode was:
- The performances.
Every last “Giving Him Something He Can Feel“-esque one! Not since the first season of Rock of Love have any of these shows tapped into the universal truth of this episode: forcing non-musicians to make music = comedy gold. Why don’t more shows do this? Do you know that I still sing Magdalena’s phone-sex challenge ditty to myself on the regular? (All together now: “Once I received a phone call from L.A…”) And what about Rodeo’s “Rainbow of Never-Ending Love?” That song is not a greatest hit; it is the greatest hit. Seriously, it’s the best song ever thought up. Ever.
(And yeah, I guess they rapped during the hip-hopera on Flavor of Love 3, but rapping doesn’t have nearly the comic effect of singing unless it’s done by, like, old white ladies. In other words: come back soon now, ya hear, Rodeo?)
Anyway! You want gold?
That expression on her face looks what she sounds like. Well, at least the visual matches the audio, you know?
And then, there was Unique, who’ll remind you that she’s a singer till she’s blue in the face, and then act like she’s run out of oxygen whenever it’s time for her to actually sing.
Since Unique certainly didn’t, Cocktail said it best:
In the end, Danger’s Team, the Exoticas, was disqualified for being so damn sucky (seriously, they’re dismissed before deliberation is over), which narrowed it down to the boob-shaking, booty poppin’ trio of Norwood’s Finest, and the choking over-confidence of the LaBelles. Despite being chastised by guest judge Willie Norwood, Sr. (aka Ray J’s daddy), Norwood’s Finest took it, proving that wiggling and jiggling crosses generation lines, consternation be damned. Willie knew it was wrong, but it felt so right.
For being MVP, as it were, Cocktail’s reward was a solo date with Ray J. Except I almost just typed “…solo date with Bret…” For you see…
…he serenaded her on it, in a scene much like the one between Bret and Jes in the restaurant during the first season of Rock of Love. The winner of a Rock of Love-esque challenge gets a Rock of Love-esque prize. Makes sense! Bret didn’t exactly croon to Jes about her blue heels as Ray J did to Cocktail, but whatever: close enough.
Other things we loved included:
- The crowd’s reaction to the girls’ performances.
The only place this fingers-in-ears response could be appropriate (besides a kindergarten assembly) is on reality TV. It’s always a beautiful thing when people find their medium, you know?
- The Kim K., reference.
Responding to Caviar’s lack of enthusiasm and charisma during the challenge, Ray J said, “My ex-girl did better on Dancing With the Stars, baby.” Not only was this a dig at Kim Kardashian’s disastrous showing on that series (third eliminated!), but it sufficed as a tangential sex-tape reference on an episode otherwise free of them. Score two for Ray J!
- Caviar’s charisma.
She may not be much of a stage performer, but that doesn’t mean she can’t move.
Down to the wire, with elimination looming, Caviar stepped up her game by servicing Ray with the attention he seems to crave. However, it wasn’t enough! For her frequent calls to her “photographer” “Chicago Larry,” as detailed on a phone bill Ray J was able to magically produce…
…Caviar got the boot, and it was a hard, pack-your-s***-and-get-the-f***-out boot, at that. (Need I once again point out the Bret homage?) See what happens when you use sex to save a relationship?
Anyway, as last words go, Caviar’s were stellar:
“Ray J was kinda too short for me, anyways,” said Caviar. Score one for Caviar! (And some shoe-lifts for Ray…)
- Chicago Larry.
How creepy is he?
So creepy, he’s creepy in the third person!
Larry speaks with what sounds like intent to molest. You know who he sounds like with that sing-songy, upward lilting mutter? Jargon Scott, the creeperton who called former MTV show hosts and sock puppets Sifl and Olly once, trying to sell them legless dogs (“They’re like cuddly throw pillows!” “They’re like hats with personality!”). If you have no idea what I’m taking about, forward to about 7:50 in this video (but shhh! Don’t tell my parent company that it’s on YouTube!).
Anyway, even though we have a good idea what Chicago Larry looks like, here’s how I choose to imagine him on the other end of Caviar’s calls:
It’s just more fun that way, you know? Plus, it really fits in with the whole sock-puppet revolution that VH1’s been undergoing lately. With socks filling the airwaves, this network may never have to pay talent again!
- Lil’ Hood’s desperation.
Guuurl. Early in the episode we heard the rapper-remixer say, “I’m gonna do what it takes to get what I want.” In that context, it meant getting in the hot tub with her dress on, for fear that Ray J would have left if she went to put on her swimsuit.
When someone says, “I don’t know how long I’m going to be around,” after you’ve just offered to shed 80 percent of what’s covering your body, the hint is yours for the taking.
But Lil’ Hood, it would seem, has emotional butterfingers.
I mean, has ever a picture that didn’t feature Jennifer Aniston screamed, “He’s just not that into you,” like the one above does? Lil’ Hood attempted to pry a kiss out of Ray J. In interview, she recalled him has being unable to resist her; he recalled it as a “sympathy peck.” Sympathy is the right idea: poor, clueless Lil’ Hood.
His response? “Yeah…OK.” He’s not laughing at her jokes or amused by the remix CD she gave him. In the car on the way back to the mansion after their date, he told Lil’ Hood that she was acting way too confident about the looming elimination. She cried in response and then, when recounting the story, claimed he did the same.
I have a feeling that things are not going to go well for Lil’ Hood. She may be about to get hit…and not where she sits.
Ray says this “harder and harder” for Ray every week, this gif kinda makes you wonder exactly what “this” is referring to. Never forget that watching this show is basically watching a grown-up kid in a candy store.