I Love Money 2 Recap - Episode 4 - A Kiss Is Just A Kiss (On The Ass)

Whoo-hoo! This show just took a turn for the strangely erotic!

We enter whining…

…or at least, Milf does. She rants about the Green Team’s betrayal and her allegiance to Saaphyri after being spared by her. In other words: the lock box is my refuge to go cry in. Put me back in. Waaah!

Announcement!

As you can see, people have taken to signing Craig’s picture. As a bunch of them have, I’m sure this was some sort of fun group activity glistening with irony. Out of that context, it just seems like these reality stars are confused about celebrity. Uh, guys: you sign your own pictures, not ones of other people. Keep that in mind next time you’re faced with a shot that isn’t of you mounted to the wall with speaker holes punched out where the mouth is. Don’t make the same mistake again.

And speaking of mouths, Craig’s broadcast says today’s challenge is “about to be a mouthful.” This is great news for Buckwild for you see…

“I got a big mouth. And it has a gap in it! I could be very useful.” Spoken like a true hooker at the Point! But seriously, if the challenge promises a mouthful, the only thing that gap is going to be useful for is for losing. And since it’s Buckwild, game-thrower extraordinaire, we’re talking about, that’s probably exactly the point.

Captains are chosen: they are Bonez and the Entertainer. Becky talks about throwing the challenge, of course. She says this with the Entertainer nestled by her side.

So that’s how it is in that family. She says she wants to eat any paper with instructions given to her team. Is she playing the same game that I’m watching? When are they ever made to read anything? Wouldn’t the requirement of literacy knock automatically disqualify, like, half of these people? Frank says she should instead wipe her ass with this piece of paper that could never possibly exist, but Becky argues that people could still read part of it in that case. So she’s a less-than-thorough wiper, then?

They arrive at the scene of the challenge, where they are made to pick color-coded coins from a bag.

The end up determining the pairs for the next challenge: the Kiss Off 2. On the Green Team, Buddha is paired with Milf (who’ll undoubtedly be singing the original composition “He Kissed Me and It Felt Like a Hit” by the end of this challenge), Myammee and T-Weed, and Budwild and Ice. On Gold, it’s Prancer and Angelique, Heat and It, Saaphyri and Tailor Made and 20 Pack and the Entertainer. Bonez and Cali choose coins that exempt them from this challenge. On the prospect of a same-sex lip-lock, Heat says…

“I do not want to kiss no freaking guy.” He’s maybe not protesting too much, but he’s protesting a lot. Plus, whatever, get over it: It’s cute. Everyone wants to kiss an It! Contrast Heat’s words with the Entertainer’s eventual take on the subject: “I have seen 20 Pack give me a couple of eyes around the house so I think he might enjoy this just a little bit more than I’m going.” That is how you protest: by displacing any circumstantial gayness onto your partner. When you’re partner just happens to be 20 Pack, you’re in major, major luck.

But there’s a catch! And it’s delivered on a silver platter…

…which 20 Pack immediately sniffs. This is his way of saying, “I can’t be gay; I’m totally into silver.” In a way, I appreciate this. The world would be a lot less…colorful without the metalsexuals, you know? Shockingly, the catch isn’t the silver, but what’s under it:

…lipstick and a Speedo. Instead of a lip-lock, this will be a lip-to-ass lock, in a salute that all the ass-kissing that goes down, specifically on this show. That’s two references in one challenge. Actually, it’s three if you count the literal ass-kissing that happened during truth or dare on Flavor of Love 2. Quick, someone throw in a needle-to-lip herpes test and make it four!

Though he manipulated her with his widely regarded sexiness last episode, Buddha is ready to give things with Milf another try, now that is ass is literally uncovered and (almost literally) on the line…

Milf seriously makes the best faces. Her winces are what the souls of her peers look like.

Balancing on a series of beams, everyone assumes the position, which is to say bent over with the kisser’s lip’s on the kissee’s ass.

Buddha, however, realizes that something is amiss. “Why am I not feeling her breath near my ass?” he interviews. He sounds deflated and disappointed. Can’t say I blame him. Anyway, all of this is, of course, in line with Milf’s obvious plan to throw the game. Well, actually, she doesn’t throw it so much as pushes it. As soon as Craig gives them the go-ahead, she shoves Buddha, knocking  him off the beam and disqualifying them from the challenge. Buckwild doesn’t even get as far as Milf, leaping from her beam and skipping away saying, “I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s ass!” It’s true though: her ranting tendencies suggest that she’s more likely to bite one off than kiss it, gap be damned. This, of course, leaves just T-Weed and Myammee holding down for the Green Team.

As means of support for the one kisser that can still win it for his team, Buddha interviews, “Just kiss her ass. Just kiss Myammee’s ass.” Except, he doesn’t say, “Myammee,” he says, “Mee-yom-ee.” I seem to remember him also pronouncing “Saaphyri” like “Safari,” which first of all: who does he think he is, Mo’Nique? And second of all, you know damn well that he knows exactly how to pronounce “Myammee,” since as far as he’s concerned, it’s spelled “Miami” as a little card identifying her doesn’t pop up every time she talks in real life (hard to imagine but it’s true). So basically, Buddha’s just making up his own pronunciations to suit his own tongue and passing them off as proper. These people can’t even do arrogance without being weird about it!

Though it would seem that the Gold Team has this in the bag, they begin falling like flies. First the Entertainer slaps 20 Pack’s supposedly farting ass (it’s hard to tell if it’s just a sound effect or what). He’s disqualified since the only contact in this came can be lips to ass. Then Tailor Made’s lips slip off Saaphyri’s ass. If only she weren’t so curvy! Finally, Heat slips, his hand touches the ground and he, too, is out. That leaves the still-standing T-Weed and Myammee versus Angelique and Prancer.

There is much heckling from the sidelines.

Heat’s shamelessness is particularly endearing in this shot. Aw, cute little Heaty.

Finally, T-Weed’s legs start to buckle and it’s over. He falls and the game goes to the Gold Team.

Despite their color division, Milf and Saaphyri openly celebrate the Gold Team’s victory.

In other words: “OK, hi. My name is Boxxy. Most of you know me as, um, mm, uh, well, mm…most of you know me as Boxxy!”

At home, Buddha berates T-Weed for failing his team. In addition to having a taste, salty now has a sound. It goes something like this, “Wah wah wah, I’m Buddha.” Buddha says that he would have been able to have endured the challenge thanks to his martial-arts training. At last, Tae Kwon Kiss-Ass comes in handy and Milf has to go and blow it. Unforgivable. Anyway, Buddha’s really terrible to T-Weed and it makes me feel sympathy for him for the first time ever, and then T-Weed interviews that it was at this point that he realized the error of choosing Buddha for his team and my sympathy instantly fades. You did it to yourself, dude. You were warned. An old man ranted at you and shook his fists and wailed, “Camp Blood! Camp Blood!” and you ignored him. You deserve all the machetes that are coming your way.

Sensing that his once-kissed ass is now grass, T-Weed talks to the Entertainer, Buckwild, Saaphyri and the martial-arts blasphemer that is Milf.

T-Weed, Milf and Buckwild all agree to vote to put Buddha in the box. They need one more vote to ensure his placement, thus elimination. Saaphyri calls over to Bonez to attempt to get him to vote for Buddha.

Bonez kind of hems and haws and says that before he can decide he needs to “go through and figure out some things tonight on performance.” Go through what? The annals of his short-term memory? Get a backbone, Bonez! Get two backbonez even. Buckwild explains to Bonez that Buddha is tearing their team apart and as long as he’s there, she’s going to keep throwing the challenges. This seems to convince Bonez to vote for Buddha.

Except, looks of agreement can be deceiving, as we’re about to see.

In the vault, T-Weed expresses his frustrations with his team: some people don’t like other (ahem, Buddha) people and everyone’s a big baby. Buddha counters with, “Based off of looks and size, we assumed T-Weed was strong. We were incorrect.” He probably couldn’t have proven that big-baby thing better if he were setting out to do so. I shudder to think of the Ass Kiss Off as a test of strength — in fact, isn’t the whole point of this game to test greed, not strength? Whatever. Voting begins. Everyone wants Buckwild and Milf in the box, of course. When it comes time to vote for Buddha, everyone in the previous discussion raises their hand…

Except for Bonez. If you’re wondering how he’s standing upright, T-Weed has a theory: “It seems like Bonez has Buddha’s puppeteer arm up his butt.” Plausible! For you see, when it’s time to vote for T-Weed…

…everyone else does, including Bonez. So starts some scrapping between Buddha and T-Weed, who refers to his adversary as a “bitch-ass motherf***er.”

Buddha gets up in his face and moves his head around like a third grader’s vision of what French kissing is. He says, “See a bitch, hit a bitch!” Coming from Buddha, this philosophy is not surprising. Anyway, God-fearing and peace-loving Bonez intervenes by telling Craig that they’ve reached their consensus and he knows what checks to put in the box…

But Buckwild isn’t going down without a rant…

“My teammates are retarded, Craig!” is one of the lines in her missive. She should write greeting cards.

Anyway, the Gold Team is called in and the Entertainer is pissed off at the fact that T-Weed, not Buddha has been put in the box. Saaphyri says that if Bonez had a grain of intelligence, he’d listen to them and not the Green Team. Yeah, he’d listen to them yell, “Jump off a cliff, Bonez!” in a few episodes. Most importantly, 20 Pack seems to be dressed as an It-loving mime.

They’re spooning while standing, and It seems totally cool with it. The strange eroticism continues!

After the vault, T-Weed confronts Bonez and ends up questioning his faith. Bonez replies, “I walk away from foolishness.”

If that’s the case, how did he end up on VH1 aka Foolish Central?

Before we get to the Power Outing, I just want you to be aware of T-Weed’s glasses.

I bet they cost $100 million.

And now: Power Outing!

Buckwild flirts with the Entertainer bizarrely, of course: “You seem like you could open that somehow with your teeth or whatnot…if you could?” She’s referring to some sort of bottle, but she may as well be talking about her legs. Also, she’s really got a thing for teeth this episode, no?

But Buckwild obviously isn’t on the chopping block: Milf and T-Weed are.

He looks like Universal Soldier without the universality or soldier-ness. Entertainer asks why they should stay and the issue of loyalty surfaces. T-Weed says he’s been more loyal to the Entertainer and his tribe via a rant that includes the revelation that…

…”You know the history of Mexico and American Indians and when the Pilgrims came and the first thing the Pilgrims did was give the Indians sour and infected sheets. She was an infected sheet, dawg.” I thought the Pilgrims gave the Indians sweet sheets? I wonder what the thread count on those sheets was and what the hell the Pilgrims were doing in Mexico. Also, Milf with her silky white hair and pallid countenance reminds me more of maize. This analogy is full of holes. Did the Pilgrims give the Indians swiss cheese, too?

It’s reassuring that everyone at the table is aware of what a nutjob T-Weed’s being right now.

Sometimes this kind of nonsense is taken for granted by these types. Good job, team!

Additionally, T-Weed vaguely compares Milf to Smurfette. Is this some sort of tangential Donnie Darko reference, or is he referring to the color of her eyes? If it’s the latter, she’s waaaay more Fremen than Smurf. If it’s the former, then shut up, T-Weed. He also drops the bomb that Milf has reported all of her scheming with the Entertainer back to her team. He pulls out a paper with “all the plays” Milf was made to do or…something? Amazingly, this actually makes less sense than the rest of the crap that’s been oozing from T-Weed’s mouth all Power Outing. It is discursive chaos. In response to this, Milf throws a drink on him…

It is brown and creamy. I can’t blame her for wanting to get rid of it. They are, after all, in Mexico. Anyway, when it’s time for the one-on-one, the Entertainer elects to spend it with T-Weed. If for nothing else, there’s entertainment value to be had, so thanks, Frank. It’s, of course, alliance-forming time and the Entertainer asks T-Weed if he will throw challenges. He will. Something else he will do? “Deliver you Buddha’s head on a f***in’ silver platter in the worst way.” Every sign points to T-Weed being extremely concentrated on his goal.

And no longer stained with brown creaminess. WTF? (Or is that T-WF?) T-Weed follows this up with, “One thing you gon’ learn about me. Just like my team: I stay loyal.” Yeah, so loyal that he’s scheming to subvert his team on the Entertainer’s whim.

Total. Crock.

Elimilation!

Here’s the weekly lingerie check-in with Meeyomee:

Pert as ever!

Buckwild gets the first check. As usual! The Entertainer then calls up T-Weed. T-Weed said a lot of things at the Power Outing that were believable. (Really, though?) But the Entertainer isn’t going to be dazzled by T-Weed’s words: he betrayed the Entertainer by allowing Buddha on his team in the first place and Buddha is the reason for his undoing. Goodbye, T-Weed. It was…confusing. T-Weed says, “My team crumbled themselves based on a cancer that ate us from within.” That’s what they get for frolicking in sweet sheets, I guess.

But that isn’t the end of the episode! Craig addresses the lopsided teams, saying that this is the point on I Love Money when they like to shake things up.

Buckwild is not amused.

But she is all over Heat. She must have a lot of stuff that needs opening.

Anyway, what happens next is very procedural so I’m going to make describing it as quick as possible. Craig separates the guys and the girls and has each group write which member of their respective gender they feel is most loyal on a gold coin. Saaphyri and 20 Pack receive landslide votes. They are the new team captains for a new round of team selection! Just when you thought things couldn’t get less mature, we’re back in gym class. Anyway, Saaphyri, the new Green captain, ends up choosing the Entertainer, Cali, It, Milf Myammee and Angelique. 20 Pack, Captain Gold, chooses Heat, Buckwild, Prancer, Tailor Made and Bonez. It comes down to:

But 20 Pack isn’t going to let the same mistake happen twice. He chooses Ice of course, sending Buddha packing. In his exit interview, Buddha says, “What this game is now missing is an excuse. Now we get to see the true nature of people without having that scapegoat of Buddha.” Well, that’s a good way of looking at it: essentially offering himself up for the higher purpose of our entertainment. His attitude is self-sacrificial in a way. Buckwild was right: he really does think he’s Jesus.

Related content
Buddha Photos
I Love Money 2 show page
I Love Money video and extras

This entry was posted on Monday, February 23rd, 2009 at 9:54 pm