You know what else are pigs?
It’s morning. Ashley interviews that, “Waking up with Josh feels great…” which is funny, because…
…she could have fooled me. She goes on to say that the reason it’s great is that they were just in “a house full of goddamn vaginas for so long.” Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense.
It’s family day at Tool Academy, which ought to be nice and mortifying. Ashley and Josh are called into therapy by themselves only to be greeted by Josh’s mother and aunt and Ashley’s father upon entering the room.
Trina explains that since family dynamics play such a huge role in relationships, it’s important to have them involved in counseling. It is also important to change things up every week since this is a TV show. Just saying. Trina elaborates that this week will be an exploration of family values. “Family values?” A Herbert Walker says what? Will there be a dissection of Murphy Brown’s single motherhood and perhaps that lesbian kiss on Roseanne before this episode is over, then?
Anyway, the counseling session between Josh’s and Ashley’s families is fraught with emotion. Ashley’s father thinks Josh is selfish. Meanwhile, Ashley thinks Josh’s mother doesn’t like her. Josh’s mother thinks of Ashley as a daughter, so this news is hard to hear.
Though little is resolved, Trina notes that the open dialogue is good. Good for us voyeurs, most definitely!
Next called in are Shawn and Aida. When they are, we see a shot of two framed pictures…
These are not of precious memories. This looks like it could be the cover of a book that’s begging to be written: Coping With Flatulence. Anyway, waiting for Shawn and Aida in the therapy room are her sister, Emma, and friend and his mother and sister.
The disdain Aida’s sister has for Shawn is immediately apparent. She refuses to hug him and spends most of her time doing this:
I’m also not entirely convinced that this “sister” isn’t just Aida in a wig and colored contacts.
Again, the family lines are clearly drawn. Aida’s sister doesn’t get along with Shawn’s mom. Aida’s peeps are aghast to find out that Shawn started this show with another girl. Yeah, that was pretty gross, come to think of it for the millionth time. Emma thinks that Aida doesn’t take care of herself as a result of Shawn’s mistreatment. On the other side, Shawn’s mother thinks that Aida has created a lot of this turmoil. “You have issues,” she says. Yeah, lady, and on the top of that list of issues, it says, “YOUR SON.” Shawn remains unsurprisingly silent during this exchange. Eventually, it comes out that his father was absent from his life from eighth grade on and that in the wake of his parents’ divorce, he and his mom spent a period of time living in a car. Sympathetic yet?
Finally, it’s Jenna and Matsuflex’s turn. As Jenna enters the room, it becomes clear that…
…there is a glory hole on the wall. But, like, for giraffes. You know these Hollywood mansions. They’re always getting rented out for different things. Reform-reality one day, giraffe porn the next. That’s what Rodeo from Rock of Love would refer to as “L.A. style.”
Awaiting Jenna and Matsu are his mom and sister and her parents.
These families have never met, btw. If you enjoy squirming, you’ll be happy to hear that Jenna’s dad is a deacon and that almost immediately, she discusses the lack of sex in her relationship with Matsu and that he banged someone else while they were together. Um, awkward. Jenna’s dad talks about his, uh, family-values philosophy: “We do believe a sexual union is precious and that god intended it to be between one man and one woman. If you wait, I think there’s a blessing that comes from that.” Now there’s a point of view you don’t often come across on VH1! How novel. Old people are hilarious!
On this encounter, Trina concludes that hey, at least the ice was broken. And no one caught hypothermia or anything!
Jordan reminds them that this week’s lesson is about family values. Oooh, does that mean they’ll be playing everyone’s favorite party game The Simpsons or the Waltons? Sadly, no. They’ll be catching stupid pigs that they have to raise as their own children for the next 24 hours.
The catching part is supposed to be challenging, but the guys get a hold of the little oinkers in about 10 seconds. They are then made to wash and diaper their pigs. During this process, Matsu’s gets a boner and it seriously looks like a tapeworm with a pig’s tail attached to it. It’s spiraled at the end. It is maybe the most nauseating boner I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of boners. I’m not going to throw up a picture in this space out of courtesy for more sensitive eyes, but if you really want a good look at pig wood, click here. This way you only have yourself to blame for the robbing of your innocence.
They then have to put the pigs in those book-bag-esque baby carriers…
…which is really cute, especially since the pigs’ genitals are obscured.
The tools, their girls and their families are all then invited to a barbecue.
Aida asks Shawn, “Are you eating pig?” Shawn replies, “No, it’s pork.” It’s hard to tell if he’s being ironic. Err on the side of no, though. Josh and Shawn are both sweet during this further family bonding time. Josh, in particular, is worried about feeding the pig and whether his little pig teeth can handle corn on the cob. He requests that Ashley cut the corn from the cob before feeding it to their porcine child. Awww, niblets for the piglet. Speaking of Ashley…
…she reconciles with Josh’s mom. Awww all over again! Matsu, on the other hand, is drilled by Jenna’s family. He somehow winds up on a diatribe about himself and the Matsuflex…thing and his energy bubble, to which Jenna’s mother says:
Hey, the kid’s all right!
Matsu continues: “If I can harness that Matsuflex energy, it’s going to help change America in a positive way.” Some would argue that it already has! Also: “Matsuflex is a revolution. It’s going to change America.” So now this show’s an infomercial? To this, Jenna’s mother says…
This woman is LOVE.
Anyway, soon enough, it’s time for the families to say their goodbyes. During this, Aida and Shawn’s mom share a parting embrace…
…so much closure, I got my fingers caught in the door when I went to wipe the tears out of my eyes! They all pose for a picture that you should print out and put on your wall.
Or, I don’t know, send it out as your next Christmas card. Matsuflex’s ball of energy would want it that way.
Back in the room, cribs for the pigs await.
This sets Shawn off, but then Shawn exists to be set off. He’s living in a powder keg and giving off spark. He interviews that the cribs struck him as a “very wrong thing to do.” He rants about pigs being animals and not having souls, which: how the hell does he know? All dogs go to heaven, brah. He tells Aida that he cannot and will not think of this pig as his child.
She tells him it’s a “representation.” Apparently, Shawn’s grasp on the concept of symbolism is shaky at best. He’s still waiting for them to be called down to wood shop class. What kind of tool academy is this? Shawn’s freaking out because the whole pig-kid thig is reminding him of his childhood. “I stuck my arm up a sow’s p**** to pull a bunch of pigs out so that they would survive,” he says. Look, his sex life is none of my business, especially when it involves fisting. Aida pulls him out of the room to cool down.
It sounds like you’re showing up to I Love Money a week late is how it sounds.
The next morning:
That is so wrong. That’s more wrong than when I saw a run-over pigeon being picked and eaten by other pigeons. At least they have small brains to use as excuses. What’s Josh’s excuse?
Perhaps a pigeon brain as well.
Later, Shawn rants to Aida about how they are the only “real couple with real problems.” Perhaps if they’re “lucky,” Aida will one day be a real housewife! He thinks that Jenna and Matsu are fraudulent and just trying to hustle their way to $100,000.
Clearly on a rage-high, Shawn brings this point up at dinner.
He thinks it’s weird that after going out for seven months, Matsu is just now meeting Jenna’s family. Ashley calls out Shawn for calling this out. As if that’s going to stop it! He continues his rant after dinner in the bunk.
Jenna says she doesn’t respect Shawn. Shawn never respected her at all because she’s full of s***. “What are you full of?” she wonders. Energy and truth, according to Shawn. Nah. Like a baby’s smile, he’s confusing it with gas.
It leads to a face-to-face confrontation with Matsu, who deems Shawn lonely.
Matsu implores Shawn to hit him.
When Shawn doesn’t, Matsu asks, “Who’s the bitch now?” I thought it was Rocky from I Know My Kid’s a Star? Whatever. Shawn ends up screaming some more. “What’s up now?” he bellows? In a word: nonsense. He also shoves Matsu.
I love how the hair on the back of his head sticks out like plumage. The fact that he’s squawking while this is apparent makes me wonder if he doesn’t have some parrot in his lineage. Aida escorts him off again, most likely by offering him a cracker.
The girls go in for their final consultation with Trina.
Ashley mentions Shawn’s outrageous behavior. Aida stands by it, saying, “If he wants to take a stance and fight for us, I’m going to let him.” She also isn’t fully convinced that Ashley’s relationship is real. Shawn and Aida take a really agnostic approach to others’ relationships as a couple, don’t they?
Josh was open and honest during meeting with families but he mustn’t get complacent and think he’s done working on his relationship. Shawn made amends with both families, but he wasn’t a good pig parent because of his past. Maybe he has a phobia of tapewormy boners? Matsu was open during first meeting with parents, but didn’t make a good impression because he talked about himself too much. What can he do? He has all those balls of energy and nowhere to unload them.
Shawn is called up…
His outbursts lead Trina to believe that his progress is temporary. Shawn is going home! Ha! Outside, Aida asks why he was voted off…
…he explains that it’s because he’s “the most alpha male” there and a threat to the remaining guys. And, apparently, Trina. Don’t even think about emasculating Trina. She’ll turn your balls into bubble and squeak and eat them for breakfast faster than you can say, “When’s wood shop?” Before leaving, Aida says she’s rooting for Ashley and disses Jenna. Shawn tells the retreating girls to go f*** themselves. From the balcony, Matsu and Josh tell him to go f*** himself. Original!
Josh mocks him for leaving the Tool Academy unreformed “and with a hooker!”
“You wanna call my girl a hooker? Wait till I hunt you down, you little motherf***er!” responds Shawn, who runs back into the house in attempt to do just that.
Aida follows. From the same stairs Shawn is intercepted on, she says, “Hey, just ’cause you dream about me when you f*** your girl, it doesn’t mean that I’m a hooker, bitch!” Shawn tells Josh to “go back to bowling.” Good one! Upon leaving the house again, Shawn notes, “I’m Mr. Awesome.” As if he even had to say it!
He kicks the limo before getting in with Aida. During their ride home, she notes, “I’m not a hooker. I just have style and I’m hot.” In that case, maybe it was just an honest mistake on Josh’s part?