Rock Of Love Bus Recap – Episode 7 – Drunk And Laid On A Speed Bump

In this episode, girls are scolded for doing this:

Um, what? Since when is drunken girl-on-girl sexuality frowned upon? What show are we watching again? Rock of Love or The Twilight Zone?

Pretty much the first thing we see is Ashley bitching about some something or other, and calling the new girls “lame.”

Some time during last episode, it struck me that I really should have started a “lame” count because the word “lame” is to some of these girls’ mouths as silicone is to their breasts. That is to say: it fills them with purpose.

The buses are headed to Alabama this week and on the way, Taya reveals to the Blue Bus that she has “kick-ass news.”

Nobody bites, but she doesn’t care. “I’m Pet of the Year,” she says after multiple beats. The enthusiastic response can be summed up thusly:

“That’s like a big deal. That’s a huge deal,” Taya assures the chorus of crickets. If you have to explain to people/crickets that something is a big deal, it probably isn’t, you know? That’s just a general rule of thumb. Or rule of nipple, as it were. But anyway, yay for Taya (or should I say, “Yay-a for Taya”?) because it obviously matters to her and it’s not nothing. She explains that the owner of Penthouse himself called her to tell her the good news. We flashback…

…to an obviously fake but no less amazing voice-over: “Congratulations, Sugart**s!” Great to see that production is on the same side as the crickets! Beverly interviews that Taya is insecure, irritating and annoying. But if you really want to know how she feels…

…look no further than her expression as Taya revels in self-satisfaction.

The girls end up pulling up to a field, where they’re greeted by this sign:

No, wait, it’s more effective when slightly warped by the heat lines of a barbecue:

No, it’s even better when superimposed with Bret’s exposed midriff:

The point is: this show’s unabashed embrace of all things trashy can verge on beauty at times. It can also verge on unsanitary, but there’s something equally beautiful in sorting out what falls into what category. Truck Stop Games is pure beauty, if you couldn’t tell. If only it included some sort of glory-hole challenge, it’d be the best of both worlds.

And speaking of combining worlds, Bret explains that this challenge will combine his main areas of interest: women, sports, traveling the country in his bus and breasts jiggling in wet attire.

Bret assigns teams, which turns out to be completely unfair, but more on that in a minute.

Here’s the Blue Team:

Here’s the Green Team:

Here’s Yellow:

And here’s who will decide the teams’ fates, the “finest panel of trucker judges there is” (according to Bret).

I have to say that Bret has terrible taste in men. They ain’t fine. They aren’t even beer-goggles-as-in-there-is-beer-trapped-between-my-glasses-and-eyes-literally-clouding-my-vision fine.

Farrah thinks that she will do well in this challenge because, “I have hot boobs…and I’m a blonde.” Are hot boobs like Hot Wheels and if so, how thick of a plastic track do you need to hold those puppies?

Wait. Something doesn’t feel right.

There, that’s better.

Anyway, since this is more or less the Trailer Park Olympics (I imagine that instead of rings, its logo should be a series of multicolored dots a la Wonderbread), the first event will be the Beer Belly Flop.

One girl from each team will flop in the pool and then be judged on the size of her ass. Oops, I mean “breasts.” Oops, I mean “splash.” No, really, I mean “breasts.”

Green Team selects Jamie, which: why? She’s a whisp of a woman! She’s not going to displace anything. She’s so slight that upon plunging, the water molecules are going to simply move out of the way, like, “It’s no bother.”

And that’s basically what they do. Each event is judged on a scale of 1-10 from each of the judges and Jamie’s splash gives her a…

Not bad. But Beverly’s better:

Ashley notes that Beverly looked like a man during her jump. That she doesn’t describe Bev as a lame man makes me wonder if Ashley isn’t losing her touch.

Finally, Kelsey goes for the Yellow Team. She announces that she’s going to remove her bra for this event and then she does it from under her shirt, which is kind of like getting breast implants put in through your bellybutton, no?

Anyway, it’s successful to the point that her chest needs to be censored after she surfaces from her flop…

…and it pulls the Yellow Team into the lead:

If Taya is Sugart**s and Farrah is Hotboobs, that must make Kelsey Kegcans, right? Team Booberella for the win!

The next event is a pole challenge. It’s like the floor challenge but breastier. Brittanya reps for the Green Team…

…horribly! She explains that while she is a go-go dancer, she’s never actually performed on a pole before. Not in public, at least. And really, Jamie obviously isn’t a stripper and Mindy doesn’t seem to have those tendencies either, so the go-go dancer was their only hope. I don’t think that’s fair. The pole experts could have been more evenly distributed if Farrah and Taya, and Ashley and Kami were on separate teams. And if whomever put these teams together didn’t know that, they should have asked. It’s not like anyone’s going to be coy about their past or even knows what “coy” means.

Anyway, Brittanya scores 5′s across the board.

Anyway, Kami reps for Blue and, she’s freaking amazing. Ashley interviews that she had her doubts: “Kami’s like I’ve been a stripper for 10 years. You look like you’ve been a stripper for 30 years!” Kami, however, works a pole like she was born on one…

Totally amazing. For some reason, my heart fills with pride when I see her perform her art. You watch this show long and closely enough, distortion sets in, I guess. Anyway, Kami ends it all with a split.

As if we needed to be even further impressed! From the judges, Kami recieves two 10′s and a 10.5. It’s wonderful seeing someone rewarded for their amazing effort. Makes the world feel a little less unfair.

And then there is Taya, who’s maybe so far portrayed herself as a non-stripper (according to some of the girls).

Well, that’s over. She approaches the pole with the grace of a swam, the filth of a pigeon and the spread of an eagle.

If she isn’t a stripper, at least she knows she could be one if that whole Pet of the Year thing doesn’t work out. Nice to have a back-up plan, especially in the topsy turvy world of entertainment. You know?

Anyway, Taya’s display leads Farrah to proclaim, “This bitch is a stripper!” Y’all are, darlin’. Even if you aren’t, you become one by being on this show. It’s like metamorphosis except minus the whole body-changing thing. Farrah explains that she’s “like Scooby and Shaggy, solvin’ a mystery.” Naked Scooby and Shaggy, Farrah. You’re like naked Scooby and Shaggy.

Taya scores two 9.5′s and a 9, which means that the Blue Team is in the lead!

I don’t know why I just put an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence. I guess these games just really speak to me.

Anyway, the final challenge is the Dog and Dash Relay, in which the girls must use a hot dog as the baton. One girl hits the grill and then a fixin’s station.

The next goes through one of those tire…track…things that makes you move like you have testicular elephantiasis (or perhaps saline injections). The final girl goes on a Slip ‘n Slide, which first of all: whee! Second and third of all, too, for that matter. Gosh, summer can’t come fast enough. Poor-man’s wading pool, here I come! The slider must then deliver the hot dog to a judge who will taste it.

The Green Team goes and Mindy ends up getting the dog wet.

And you know, I’m not trying to go PETA on your ass, but hot dogs are so disgusting that fetid sub-pool water isn’t going to do much harm, you know? Like, god forbid anything disrupt the flavor of hog anus. Anyway, the Green Team ends up with two 7.5′s and a 7. These judges really hate deviating from each other. I guess it’s true that good-looking people tend to stick together.

Blue Team’s run features a gorgeous slide from Ashley…

…they recieve an 8.5, an 8 and a 7.5.

Finally, during Yellow’s run, Farrah drops the bun…

…but she ends up selling this as a low-carb alternative. Atkins is just 10-years-ago enough to seem completely appropriate in this kind of environment. What a thinker, that one is! But to enhance her case for a high score Farrah busts out her…bust…

Hotboobs strikes again! She interviews that she’s “very creative” when it comes to winning the judges over. Oh yeah, bouncing your silicone to get ahead on Rock of Love. The ingenuity is enough to make Thomas Edison spin in his grave out of regret for not thinking of it first. In case her point still isn’t across, she kisses one:

Yellow ends up with ‘cross-the-board 9′s, which means they win:

Beverly storms off in a huff over the unfairness of it all. You’d really think that what Farrah did was innovative at this point. SHE USED CLEAVAGE AND GENERAL SEXUALITY TO GET AHEAD ON ROCK OF LOVE. There would be something wrong if someone didn’t do that!

The girls retire to their hotel rooms, where they’re surprised by a visit from Bret.

That’s a hell of a receiving line. And Kelsey’s athletic socks make it so porno-chic! Anyway, Bret explains that the judges were persuaded by sexy boobs. Uh, actually, Bret, they were persuaded by Sugart**s, Hotboobs and Kegcans, and that was fair game in a game created by you! But whatever. Bret feels bad or something so he offers to spend some time with the Blue Team on the bus. See, where the judges based their decision on sexy boobs, Bret bases his on the potential for sexy boobs. Big difference.

On the bus, Bret informs Ashley, Tami, Beverly and, most importantly, all of us that, “I can’t have music on when I’m f***ing.”

Good to know for future reference! Tami likes keeping the lights on as long as they aren’t too bright. Beverly likes it dark. This type of stuff is what’s missing from census forms. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but thank god for Rock of Love. The topic then swings around to monogamy, which is sort of the elephant in the traveling harem. Bret asks Ashely how her “fer-real jealousy thing works.” She doesn’t need to consult her egomaniac-to-English dictionary to come up with what seems like the correct response: “I’m down with chicks if you’re down with chicks.” Beverly and Tami, on the other hand, enjoy monogamy. You wonder how they ended up here in the first place.

At one point, Bret licks Ashley’s hand with the voraciousness of someone who’s just been informed, “The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.”

This, along with a serenade that isn’t “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” (which: :( ), turns out to be a prelude to a foursome.

Or something. Once they’re done and back in their hotel room, Kami reports to the subset of girls Ashley would deem “lame” that Ash slipped off her shorts in front of all of them in Bret’s room. And this is surprising…how? Kami says that she doesn’t want to go after a guy who’s going after a girl like that. After two and a half seasons, there’s someone left who’s actually surprised about the caliber of girls Bret goes for? Kami’s either a unicorn or Helen Keller reincarnated. Either way: inspired casting.

The next morning, Kami arranges for a one-on-one with Bret in his bus. She tells him that she “kinda” wants to leave.

Kami is either a very sheltered 10-year-strip-club vet or she saw stuff the night before that hasn’t even been hinted at. Give me a week and I’ll get to the bottom of it. Anyway, Bret is nice to her and he even-handedly explains that she can’t expect him to change his lifestyle just as he can’t expect her to change hers. What is her lifestyle, anyway? Gravity-defying chastity? Anyway, she’s leaving and it’s poignant and every rose has its hug.

When Kami returns to the hotel, the Blontourage (+ Kelse) catch wind of her decision to leave. Spontaneous celebration breaks out.

And they keep it up, like, right in front of Kami’s face and everything.

Kelsey explains the rationale for the good cheer: “I’m not gonna pretend to be sad that she’s leaving because I’m not here to make friends with anybody. I’m here for Bret.” Yeah, but she’s mostly here to say, “I’m not here to make friends,” since it wouldn’t be a reality show without that. I’m sorry, it’s never not amusing to me and, in fact, only more amusing that people continue to say it despite its VIP cliche status. The drive to alienation and hostility overcomes any sort of fear of unoriginality. It’s beautiful in its gnarled, hateful way.

Date time! Bret takes the Booberellas to an empty amusement park, which really is the best thing you could possibly do especially because it is extremely Mariah Carey-esque.

We’ve gone a few sentences without a “lame,” so…

…there you go.

During his one-on-one with Farrah, she talks about Taya, questioning her realness.

Meanwhile, Kelsey explains that she invests a lot in her potential lovers’ looks. “I mean, who doesn’t?” she wonders.

Nobody in this universe, at least.

On the way back from the park, a fight breaks out and, boy, is it a good one. It all starts when Farrah asks Taya…

Subtitler, have you ever used a question mark? Whatever. Taya’s answer is, “Once upon a time.” Way to spin stripping into something princessy, Taya! Farrah confronts Taya for referring to her and Ashley as “stripper-whores.” This isn’t necessarily hypocritical — strippers come in all kinds of persuasions. I could fill volumes with all the crap that this show has taught me. In fact, I feel like I already have. Farrah interviews that, “Taya’s the type of person that’s acting holier than thou and I’m sorry, but if you’re in Penthouse spreading yourself, you’re not holier than thou. I don’t even show my ass, OK?” I would arge that if you’re spreading in Penthouse, you’re actually mighty hole-y. More hole-y than most. Farrah accuses Taya of coming on the show to promote Penthouse. She calls out Taya for constantly wearing shout-outs to her employer in the form of shirts and scarves. Farrah’s better because, as she says, “I don’t bring a pole with me!” But don’t you think she would if she could? Nothing wrong with it, but this issue seems more one of portability than anything. Kelsey points out that Taya is using her “Penthouse name,” instead of her real name (Laurie) as seen on her suitcase tags. I guess the lesson is that a rose by any other name is still a stripper if it’s appearing on Rock of Love.

At some point during this conversation, with no warning or explanation, Farrah exposes herself.

I think a consequence of owning hot boobs is that you have to air them out at times otherwise they overheat.

The fight rages on. Her words are underrepresented here, but Taya does a fine job defending herself. She says that Bret knows everything about her and Farrah counters with, “Bret thinks you’re lame.” So that’s three, right? Ultimately, defending herself proves to be easy for Taya as what she’s defending herself against boils down to something almost tribal, as Kelsey and Farrah bounce up and down chanting “Lame! Lame! Lame!” They do it enough to make me decide that counting the “lame”s is too tedious a task. People like Farrah and Kelsey are why we can’t have anything nice! Taya tells them to do another shot

They start in with “Shots! Shots! Shots!” Were they raised by bartending wolves?

They arrive at the destination, Bret’s concert. If Farrah’s and Kelsey’s inebriation isn’t clear at this point…

…now it is.

Perhaps sensing this, Big John tells them in the VIP room that they are Bret’s “direct representatives” tonight and that they should be on their best behavior. What follows is a matter of interpretation, for you see, from where I’m sitting this is the best possible behavior you could ever want out of anyone:

At one point, Farrah mounts Kelsey like a dog…

In the past, Farrah has interviewed that she thinks she becomes a lesbian when she is drunk. In this instance of drunkenness, she seems to be under the impression that she’s sprouted a penis.

Hotboobs overheat a lot, it turns out.

What exactly are they passing between their mouths? Celery? If so: sexy.

And then there’s this bit of brilliance:

I absolutely hate that the camera pulls away. I wanted to see where else this was going! I wanted to have this hump forever. I guess what they say is true: if you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself:

Big John interrupts this highly entertaining scene by saying, “I just asked you guys not to be up there acting slutty and whorey!”

Clearly, that’s a tall order. Really, when on Rock of Love, act like a Rock of Love girl. I don’t see the problem here! Big Buzzkill sends Farrah and Kelsey to sit on the bus for the rest of the show.

Kelsey rants about this being bulls***. She somehow ends up outside like this:

I’m gonna take a wild guess that this particular moment counts as a low point in her short life thus far. Thank god it was caught on tape! She cries about wanting to go home and not giving a f*** about Bret. Big John soon intercepts and Kelsey is initially inconsolable.

Big John is finally able to talk some sense into her…

Encouraging her to stay in the game, he says, “I’ve seen what you’ve done. I’ve seen the progress you’ve made and I’ve seen the commitment you put into this!” So, by “sense,” I mean “nonsense.” Duh!

Kelsey calms down and retires to the bus, where there’s another matter at hand:

Ashley is now as drunk as a skunk served by wolf bartenders.

Were it pointed out that Ashley has effectively insulted the entire country of Thailand, I have a feeling that her opinion would stand.

Also, see, that makes me want to start counting “lame”s all over again. The experience of writing this recap has been quite the journey for me, let me tell ya.

On the bus, we see Farrah doing this:

As motifs go, mounting from behind is among the very best. There’s the flute in Death of a Salesman, the sled in Citizen Kane, the lamb in A Nightmare on Elm Street and Farrah’s doggy style.

Anyway, Ashley’s in a tizzy over a frozen meal of stuffed caaaaabaaaage.

Ashley is very belligerent and ends up flinging the caaabaaaage out of its plastic dish and all over the table. You know, considering Ashley’s rage, taking out her aggression on a Lean Cuisine feels like progress. Good on her for finding an outlet!

Elimination!

Farrah, Kelsey and Ashley are, of course, still trashed, which means that this will be extremely fun.

See? Already it’s wheeeee!-worthy.

Before Bret enters, we see wonderful footage of Ashley describing her state.

“Listen, I can’t even spell ‘elimination.’ I don’t even know where I am. (Loogie hock.)” I feel like the alcohol has little-to-nothing to do with her inability to spell “elimination.” Honestly, that’s just how I feel.

A raspy-voiced Bret walks in and almost immediately calls Kelsey forward. She thinks this is hilarious.

And just in case you think that maybe this footage of her cracking up while Bret is solemnly letting her go is cut in from her response to something intentionally comedic, we get a wider shot of her laughing in his face.

Why the hell did this girl wait so long to become this awesome? Anyway, Bret tells her that he doesn’t think that this is the place for them to find love. I think he means “find love together,” although if he’s speaking generally, it explains a lot about the air of apathy that hovers around him like lines and dots to Pigpen. Anyway, bye Kelsey. Your friends are obviously very sad to see you go:

I think the lesson to derive from this is that these girls are poison. Never trust a big breast and a sneer.

Kelsey interviews that “apparently Bret can’t handle a girl that likes to get drunk and lay on speed bumps.”

Only now is the magnitude of what he’s losing clear. Kelsey assures us that the next guy she finds won’t be 44 or a rock star. Well, at least she learned. She’s young and that’s what life is all about.

That’s it for elimination. Despite the headaches they’ve caused, Bret’s keeping Farrah and Ashley. Oh yeah, Bret, don’t put yourself out making a great show or anything.

And honestly, can I just say that this episode was hyper-super-classic? Best one since the season premiere, in my estimation (pop in peace, Lady Tribe!). The length of this recap (nine, count ‘em, nine animated gifs!) should attest to that. Far be it from me to blindly wave the flag for my employer (seriously!) but god, when this show is on like it was this week, it feels like the best thing to happen to pop culture this decade. In fact, sometimes it feels like Rock of Love is culture.

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