Too bad the curtains don’t match the censor boxes. That woulda been sweet.
This week, the girls are headed to Panama City, Fla., aka the Redneck Riviera. But more importantly, look at Farrah’s top!
Much like the blue tiger from which its fabric is modeled, that top is wild, dangerous and wholly impossible.
Also: bad news, guys. The girls are consolidating into one bus (the Pink one), which means Ashley’s life is about to get an injection of lame (arguably for the second time this season) and Mindy’s despondent to have to give up her sanctuary.
Mindy bids her place of brunette sanctity goodbye and it says goodbye right back.
The girls travel to Panama City and check into their hotel. Mindy explains that she and Taya stole a small room with bunk beds because they’re like little kids. “That’s just kind of us. We’re silly,” she explains. Not just silly, but hilarious. I mean, bunk beds? Can you imagine! I’m clutching my sides here. Bunk beds!
Meanwhile, Farrah pretends like she’s going to jump off the balcony.
In retrospect, this is oddly prophetic.
Once the girls are settled, Big John enters the room with a platter of bikinis. Ashley and Farrah intentionally choose the smallest ones.
Ashley explains their choice thusly:
“Farrah and I took the smallest bikinis they had, because, excuse me, would you put something large to cover these? I wouldn’t.” So she picked the smallest because she wouldn’t pick something larger. That’s great rationale. Ashley should consider taking up debate as a hobby. Anyway, their bikini choice amounts to attempting to cover a mountain with a yarmulke — willfully unwise.
The girls walk to meet Bret out by the pool. As they do so, it becomes clear that Ashley and Brittanya are holding hands.
This is more foreshadowing and also weird. Isn’t Brittanya a little too brunette for Ashley’s taste? At least Kelsey had highlights.
The girls find Bret by a kiddie pool. They line up to receive their task.
Since Bret really cares about our armed forces, the girls today will be babysitting the children of army wives. Good thing they wore their skimpy bikinis! Wait, what? This will allow the wives to have the day off and the girls of the show to have maximum drama amongst a new context of people. Win-win. Immediately apparent is the unease that falls over the girls when presented their task. Brittanya says she doesn’t like kids, except for her own and cute ones.
“I never had any babysitting jobs and if I would’ve then I probably wouldn’t have ever got pregnant,” she laughs. It’s too bad that birth control is an inherently preventative measure, eh Brittanya?
Anyway, from the looks of these kids…
…the girls have finally met their match. Unlike what we’re used to seeing on reality TV, in this case, karma’s not a bitch; it’s a son of one.
Ashley immediately sticks out as a forerunner in this competition, and it’s not because of all the barely covered silicone. A little girl paints a bikini on what seems to be a cartoon rendering of her topless self on her arm.
“Thank you, now she doesn’t feel so trashy,” says Ashley. The little girl laughs knowingly. She is clearly wise beyond her years.
Meanwhile, Taya leads a bunch of kids in a round of jumping jacks.
Now the dress code of the day makes a lot more sense. Without it, the dirty old man lurking in this 8-year-old would never have been unleashed.
Thank god for bikinis!
And for buckets. From what we can tell, these kids didn’t have access to vodka or anything. After watching this show for eight weeks, I kinda forgot that it was possible to be irritating and aggressive and pour crap on people’s heads without having the excuse of alcohol to hide behind. Ah, to be young again.
A kid goes wayward, and it seems that he very well could stay that way until Ashley intervenes…
Her capacity for being maternal is shocking, frankly.
She explains that her kid is her life, and that she may strip on weekends, but during the week, she’s a stay-at-home mom. What else is Ashley hiding from us? Does she run a seal rescue or knit sweaters for Cambodian refugees or perform complimentary plastic surgery on the unfortunate and harelipped?
So while we’re seeing this rare warmth emanating from Ashley, Beverly is campaigning with water balloons, since in the end, all the kids will vote from whom they feel is the best mother.
Even the kids are too smart for this take-this-and-shut-up style of parenting. She’d be better off slipping some Oxycontin in their Hawaiian Punch. And seriously, since she’s campaigning, I can’t help but wonder what her platforms are. Where does she stand on important issues like water-gun control and pool pissing? The people demand to know!
And meanwhile, Farrah enlists a child for pedicure duty.
It’s probably not a very good one, but hey, it’s free and Farrah doesn’t seem all that particular, anyway.
In the end, Bret sends the girls away and polls the kids on the best caretaker.
It comes down to Taya and Ashley, and Ashley eventually takes it because duh, and also because this is the most efficient way that Bret can rock our world and show us that all we believe to be true may not actually be. It’s easier than bending the space-time continuum, at least.
Later, the girls get ready for a big night out. For some of them, this means tops-and-tails bathing and applying more makeup to their makeup. For Beverly, though, this means getting hammered.
In this case, Taya’s perpetual disdain actually seems warranted.
I guess if you wince enough, you’re bound to happen upon a situation that actually calls for it. This counts as a minor victory for Taya.
They all hit Coyote Ugly, where this novelty license plate can be seen:
You know, the Confederate Union really is the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to merchandise that simultaneously offends multiple sensibilities. All that’s missing from this scene is a T-shirt worn by Bret featuring the outline of a stripper filled in with the rebel flag design that says, “Git ‘er Done.”
Anyway, it becomes clear that all the drinking has done a number on Beverly, when a compliment from Bret causes a spiral into belligerence:
OK, this is hilarious, because Bret defends his scruff with a reference to his past…
Beverly is embarrassing herself. When in Rome, you know? Taya, however, interviews that, “If that stuff came out of my mouth, I would staple my lips shut!” Why not try it, regardless? You know what they say: Pets of the Year are meant to be seen, not heard. Well, I don’t know for sure if they say that, but they must at least think it, right?
Anyway, Beverly continues her drunken tomfoolery. The girls get up on the bar (when in Coyote Ugly, you know?)…
Beverly takes the opportunity to squat on Bret’s head.
It looks like she just gave birth to a gin-swilling 45-year-old in a cowboy hat. Likely! She also sort of teeters on the edge of the bar/her life…
It’s really awesome how she throws her head back at the end, as if to slur, “I that to do meant.” Bret comments that she may want to leave the dancing to the professionals, but as I said last week: appearing on this show makes you a professional. Like it or not!
This effectively ends the party at the bar. The girls board the bus, where Beverly watches Bret making out with Brittanya…
We see this in blurry Beverly wino-vision, as Brittanya dines on Bret’s lip.
Beverly shoots daggers.
The heat coming from her eye sockets is enough to make her content to skip a bonfire that’s waiting for them on the beach by their hotel.
Once settled on the blanket, Ashley says she has “an idea.”
Said idea is a three-way kiss with Bret and Brittanya. What a genius. You’d think she invented the concept of wearing neon to maximize the effect of the black lights that line the ceiling of the strip club. When they part, Brittanya says, “I’ve never done that before,” and Bret answers as if dazed, “Me neither. It’s weird.” Such a kidder! This sends Taya storming off…
Taya interviews that, “Obviously these girls are no stranger to using sex to manipulate people.” And as someone who’s used sex as a career path, thus manipulating people into giving her money, Taya is no stranger to the ways of these non-strangers. Not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but Taya should at least know that this hierarchy she seems to hold onto probably makes more sense in her head than it does pieced together from her mouth.
And you know, the classy pill is kind of hard to swallow from someone who dispenses it shoeless from a bathroom stall.
Beverly, who’s been seething on the bus up till this point, joins the bonfire just as Brittanya is climbing up on Bret’s lap…
This sets Beverly off, and she rants to Jamie from the sidelines. Farrah overhears and tells Beverly that she’s not paying attention to Bret. But Bret’s not paying attention to her! Farrah suggests that they try harder. What should she do, hike her skirt up? In this environment, it surely couldn’t hurt.
Meanwhile, Taya and Mindy are rerouted to a hot tub for some alone time.
They are classy as the day they were born.
And speaking of classy, Farrah and Ashley announce that they have to pee. Brittanya wanders off with them, leaving Jamie alone with Bret.
It’s not that Jamie doesn’t seem delightfully down-to-earth given the collective nature of her peers, but at least now, there’s a concrete reason for her continued presence in this competition.
Back in the room, Taya and Mindy shower together. Taya rants in a vague, condescending manner.
Farrah is convinced that “the girl” in question is herself, for no real reason other than probable egocentricity. She pulls back the shower curtain to confront her adversaries. “You just said ‘Farrah!’” she charges. “We did not!” screams Taya.
As if two girls showering together and screaming at another isn’t enough of a scene out of a troubled childhood, what follows is even more problematically juvenile. In the interest of having her friend’s back, Ashley grabs “the closest thing next to me,” which is a jar of salsa. She pours this into Mindy’s luggage.
It’s really, really bad.
Mindy stays cool in the face of condiment adversity, saying, “It’s gonna take a lot more than a can of salsa to break me down.” It’ll take at least a batch of guac and possible some fajita peppers before her exterior starts to crack.
The carnage isn’t over, as a post-shower, face-to-face confrontation goes down. It features Brittanya pouring something creamy on Taya.
The result to this is that Taya and Mindy get to check into their own room. In a stroke of maturity, it does not feature bunk beds.
Meanwhile, Ashley reflects, saying that she employed her salsa strategy in an attempt to “spice up” Mindy’s wardrobe. Ashley’s a regular wordsmith, she is.
The next day, it’s time for Ashley’s date with Bret. They go for an ATV ride on the beach and then share lunch.
During lunch, Bret tells Ashely that she’s a superstar and she’s all, “Whoooo meeee?”
She has the celebrity tendency of false modesty down pat! Additionally, Bret thinks that some people drag Ashley to a place she might not want to go. He’s clearly referring to Farrah. Does Bret really think that Farrah’s the top in their BFFship? Seriously? He does, apparently, as he interviews that when he’s able to see Ashley away from Farrah, she is the real Ashley. When she is with Farrah, however, she is Ashley Shanté.
Ashley, of course, hates this and is rightfully offended at the suggestion.
When their date is over, Taya goes to Bret’s bus to inform him about what went down the night before. He greets her as “Taya McSuperhotness.” So wait, she’s Irish?
She explains that Farrah and Ashley will not allow others to be happy. She thinks this stems from jealousy. We then see a slightly out of place but anyway awesome bit of interview footage in which a defensive Taya rants about the accusations of last episode regarding her constant flossing of Penthouse-related gear. She says that if Farrah and Ashley are running around in stripper dresses are they promoting being strippers? Of course they are, but no one ever talks about that. I beg to differ, Taya. Some of us never stop talking about it. Not even in our sleep.
Bret hits the gym…
…and requests the company of some females for some last-minute, pre-elimination one-on-ones. First up is Farrah.
Bret says that she’s insanely awesome and everything, but he’s gotta watch that he doesn’t step into the friendship zone with her. Because on this show, the friendship zone is the danger zone and Bret Michaels is Kenny Loggins. Upon hearing what is obviously her death sentence, Farrah exclaims, “Aw, French toast!” It’s too late to start spinning catchphrases into new material, but nice try, Farrah.
Next to visit Bret is Beverly, who, when summoned by Big John says, “Oh s***, seriously?” Haha, Beverly knows what’s up. She enters the gym to find Bret doing yet another exercise.
Impressive, his body…of work. Wouldn’t you say? Bret tells her straight-up that he doesn’t like the side of Beverly that comes out when she drinks. She has anger issues, for one thing. Beverly explains that she has to watch someone she likes make out with girls she doesn’t, hence the anger.
She also calls Ashley “trash.” Thank god the episode is almost over because I’ve really had my fill of relative speaking for the day.
Elimination comes. Ashely gets the first pass and everything proceeds without incident until Farrah and Taya are the ones left standing.
Farrah looks like a Sheena Queen of the Jungle action figure with boobs made out of Jujubes. Jujuboobs, even. She is a rock star, says Bret. Taya on the other hand has dubious motivation. But Farrah is going home because although she is hot and cool, her spell has worn off of Bret and he now realizes that there’s no connection there.
Farrah interviews that Bret needs someone lamer than her. Basically, in her eyes, that’s the rest of the world. She’s not entirely wrong, I gotta say. She says that if he wants the “motherly type that cuts the corn off his cob” (which sounds painful), he can go with Taya. We see a parting shot of Bret and Taya in a romantic embrace.
That’s one hell of a mother!